THe problem is your husband. He's never faced his daughters problems and from the looks of it never will. His idea is 'she'll go away in a few weeks' SUre she's go away.
So waht happends next year if she gets pregnant....will you take care of this child?
This father has enabled this child by not being in her life. By paying for her so he doesn't have to lift a finger in raising her in any shape way or form. He's let schools raise his daughter.
I think, you can do better:) dont invest too much time in this one unless you honestly love him. And even then you'll have to tell him straight on that next time his daughter is not welcomed. Tell him to put her in her own apartment and she can visit. He seems to want to always blow the cash on her. 32,000$ per year on school? I think he can afford to pay her rent for 3 months out of the summer for her own place to destroy.

She very much daddy's little girl. For her 16th birthday she got a new red ford mustang convertable that she totaled in her last DUI. He calls her several times a day to either remind her to wake up or for some other thing. He know's exactly what I think right down to she's 22 going on 12. There is something seriously wrong with her and I can't figure it out. She is on medication for depression. Her mother walked out when she was 17, and had been manic depressive for years. Dad wants to make everything better and seems to think cash is the answer. Pregnancy is not something I would worry about. She really has no friends, and does not date. She is to caught up in being number one to and I mean ever want to have a baby around. If a baby were ever around both his kids (son) 25 know DO NOY LOOK AT EITHER OF US. Dad works 7 days a week from March to November. My son and his wife are not having children do to medical reasons and that's fine by me. Marriage for either of us is not an option dure to financial arrangements on both sides (trusts, ranches etc.,) I give it 6 weeks before she folds in this program (it is extremily tough) Auntie and Grandpa live right down the hill, and treat her the same. It is a losing battle all the way around. Far from not being in her life this father has managed her life like a checkbook. She has never had to think about when the next visit to Macy's might be. A bra has to be from Victori's Secret and cost $75.00. A trip to the Thrift store would be unheard of. Her mother was the same.

Guess this is a case of money doesn't buy happiness!

At 22 years old I doubt she is going to change. Change should have started years ago. At this point I think the question is how much can you deal with? And are you willing to put up with her behavior a few weeks here and there?

When she is there your dh does need to set some ground ruler with her (that you have helped establish prior to her visit). I think that telling her if she makes the mess then clean it up right away would be #1 on the list.

As for sleeping all day and staying up all night, well that is pretty typical of college kids on summer vacation.

The problem is not who is going to clean up the mess, but who is trashing your house in the first place. So he tells her to clean up the mess. I'm sure she'll do a lousy job of it. Then you'll end up cleaning anyway.

Your step daughter is severly disrespecting you, and your husband is complicit by allowing this behavior. It's not a matter of, "she will be gone in a few weeks." Even one day of her behavior is too much. You should not have to vacate your home for her - she's 22. That's wrong.

If your husband thinks his daughter is "fine" the way she is, then there is something wrong with him as well.

She needs to be sent packing right away. If your husband won't agree to this, then you should seriously rethink your marriage. Go see a counselor and hopefully your husband will join you.

We are not married and have no plans to. This was a highly disfunctional family where the mother worked shift work (not around) dad worked 7 days a week, home late. Grandparents spoiled rotten. This child and her mother threw screaming fits so often that behind every door in the house there were holes in the wall where the door knobs slammed into the wall. When I met him, if I came around a corner he would flinch, and told me he had things thrown so much at him it was second nature. Dad is and has been over the almost 4 years I have known him a very peace loving quiet introspective guy who loves gardening. Often gardening far into the night. His way of dealing with this whole family has been work 10 to 15 hours a day. Since I have been around (we work together)and the kids have been gone, he works alot less. This girl in my opinion is highly unstable and it wouldn't take much to spin her right out of control.

HAHAHAHAHA. CASE IN POINT FOR MY ADULT CHILDREN THREAD! Bonjo, read my "What is the FREAKING deal with grown children?!" thread and you will see how I feel about over priveledged grown children running their parents lives.

Your SD (even though ya'll arn't married your dealing with this "child"...22yrs old. Bleech) is a prime example of what I was b****hing about. I put the blame squarly on the father for enabling the girl her entire life. Your husband is a GUILTY PARENT and as a result has raised a child who feels intitled and is completely unable to get a life of her own. His daughter will continue to be a "loser" if he doesn't start making her accountable for her own actions. Shape up or ship out's are way in order!!!!

I wouldn't be surprised if her objective was to drive you away every time she comes home.

A few weeks easily turns into a few months. Then, when she flunks out of college, she'll want to come home again.
So, where does it end?

You have to draw the line somewhere, and the time is now.
Either she goes, or you will need to move back to your house for your own peace of mind.

Thank you all for some advice. Triple digits here all week, my house is in the Farrrrrrrrrrrrrrr North in the trees where it snows, next to a lake! No matter what happens here I will always have my house!! And doodleboo I did read your thread and it truly is sad. At 22 I had PUT myself through college, was working full time and was married. It simply would not have entered my mind to ask my parents for money. I knew if I messed up, I would have to get myself out of the mess. On the other hand, I really had to not scream bloody murder when my son got a full scholarship to Notre Dame, and then dropped out years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your husband wont change and your sd will not change. It needs serious intervention....like on tv! and she has obvious learned from mommy.
EIther way, you are both financially secure and since its his adult daughter let him handle it. He's raised her like this and will continue, you will just have to tell your husband ' your daughter is old enough to have a space of her own. For next year i think renting a place for 3 months close to home should be the option. I'm not the maid. or better yet get a maid to clean up everytime she destroys the house."
You sound like a very strong person with a solid thinking cap. You want no marriage or anything. You just want partnership. I think your husband, out of respect for you can accomodate this and still love his daughter. Regardless how F'd up she is.

Well after working 12 hours, came home to clean, well almost clean kitchen, cleaned up front room, did not go upstairs. Partner had called her and said I have set standards for the common living areas and that should be respected. She was also gone. Went to visit grandparents, and spent the night with her mother. I'm sure they all got an earful about what a blank I am. Thank you all we will see what happens. Fed partner a nice dinner and soaked in the hot tub.

Well I have come to the conclusion that SD has serious problems. I have been to every website I can think of to look up adult children that were emotionally and physically abused as kids. The longer I am around her (She has only come home for a few days here and there) for the past 4 years. The more I noticed behavior that was just plain strange. She is either over the top emotional, cry's at the drop of a hat, or acts depressed one minute, manic busy the next,or slips into what I'd call baby behavior. Playing games on computor, watching almost what I'd call children's shows on TV. She still sucks her thumb when sleeping. Constantly twirling the same strand of hair. Calls dad Daddy, and flirty giggles like a 2 year old. She is a beautiful girl (mom very plain) I am sure their was a jealousy issue there, but shows absolutely no interest in the opposite or even same sex. A really cute kid her age was checking us out at the local grocery checkout and he was clealy trying to flirt a little with her, and she just acted blank. When we walked out I said he was cute huh!, there was absolutely no response. In group situations she won't make eye contact, almost act's like she's been beaten. Actually a cousin of mine asked me if she has been. She flinches sometimes. Says she wants to eat healthy, but sabotoges herself, pizza, chips, desserts. She is gaining weekly. She has been home 6 weeks and has not done one load of her laundry. A little history here. Their BM is a very distant relative. I did not met dad until BM had been gone a year. She left for another guy when daughter was senior in high school. She now lives alone because that guy couldn't take it. I did hear occasionally what hell went on in that house. From what I have gathered BM got physical, slapping hair pulling, slamming things throwing things. She suffered from depression and would not take meds. Sometimes she just left. BM many times would through such hysterical fits she had to be physically restrained. I am really wondering about sexual abuse. Older brother by 2 years, lots of time left alone with lots of brothers really rowdy friends. Drinking party's etc., She wears very revealing clothes, no bra's etc., I just think at this point this kid is a walking time bomb, and to be sent across the country to a high pressured school where she is going to be under tremendous pressure is like lighting the fuse. Thanks for letting me rant. I am now going to go swimming.