All I have to add after the last couple postings here is: be extremely detailed on what you (whether it be you or husband)exactly want. Be ridiculously specific leaving no room for a need of clarification...even if you/he now may believe there is no need to go to such extreme aka outlining even the simplest things which may have no monetary valve in the thick of things (personal items). --"The greed will cause many of the children to worry about what they will inherit from their parents"--(Shakti) It broke my heart for some of my mother's SO's heirs as I watched what the one daughter did and what she put them all through. SO only had two children, one had become deceased a number of yrs before SO passed. This daughter automatically assumed then everything should be hers. SO wanted his deceased child's three children to have the deceased son's share. He also left a portion of his estate to his two stepsons from his 2nd marriage. This part was due to the fact their mother (wife #2 married 15 yrs, and she was now deceased 20 plus yrs) had invested in building the house...it was a return of their mother's investment. Something SO had promised wife #2 when she died that he would honor. And he did. What shut daughter down at her every attempt was that iron clad overly detailed will and his immaculate record/bookkeeping. Oh, but it was not just the items of valve that this daughter made noise over. She screamed, yelled and totally made a stink over every last little item. She then proceded to drag up countless items that gentleman himself had given away over the yrs while he was still very much alive. Seriously, for example SO gave so and so (a grandchild) a china set 15 yrs ago so according to daughter so and so should now have this count towards a portion of the division. Then daughter tried the old 'this or that is missing, where is it'. What she was squealing about on this one was SO had (without informing and/or consulting with this daughter because it was none of her business) sold his mother's wedding rings (something that had been left to him by his mother). Daughter claimed they were in the safe and somebody has them hidden and Daddy said she could have them when he died. In reality the gentleman sold them all on his own. What was actually in the safe fortunately was the reciept from the sale of the item ...so that shut her up for a few minutes, well, until she came up with the next item to acuse and scream over. As I mentioned earlier, SO loved his daughter with his whole heart, but he never ever even yrs before his death underestimated the lady. Clever old man kept quite detailed records of what had been done and/or given away or sold over the years and is will was detailed and solid. The daughter got exactly what the SO had desired her to have as far as possessions and division as did each and every other heir...but in the end they all got less actual money than they would have because two lawyers (the daughter's and the estate's) got a larger chunk than should have happened if she'd have just abided by her father's wishes. Now there is anger amongest the heirs at the daughter over this sad ending. Final checks were cut last week, but I have no idea what will happen as far as any kind of personal relationship between that family now. So much anger and fighting. I can't imagine the family has much of a chance of ever reuniting and being a 'family' again. I'm just glad my mother is finally clear of them all now that the job of closing the estate is over and can walk away from them.

she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best.

The first thing I notice in your post is that there might be some unrealistic expectations. The behavior of your older stepkids is somewhat typical for their ages.. I have three kids that are 22, 20 & 19 and if I don't remind my son constantly, he won't clean up after himself. My 19yo is a girl and I don't have that problem with her. My 22yo is also married & out of the home.. but he also left at 18 because I was with my DH and planning to get married. Since he has gotten married and had a child, he doesn't focus too much on my marriage. I told him when he said he didn't want me to get married that someday he will meet someone and whether I like her or not, I will respect his choice because I love him.. and I expect him to at least respect my choice. He doesn't have to like my husband but he needs to be respectful and that is something I laid down to him when he was 18. He's now almost 23 and has matured & has been respectful the last couple of years. My 20 year old has also given DH lots of crap and doesn't like that we have rules because DH had input in the rules. We have rules like keep your room clean.. clean up after yourself.. be in by a certain time.. and if you want to eat whatever you want, go buy your own stuff.. If he's in school, he lives there for free. If he isn't in school, he is charged $50 a week 'rent'. But, I am the one that brings the rules to him, not DH. I am the one that says something when he isn't following the rules, not DH. I am the one that has to do it because I am his parent and if DH says anything to him.. it turns into a battle with my son becoming rebellious just because DH is saying it. He doesn't have the relationship necessary, I do. My daughter is a totally different story. She calls DH dad and when he tells her she's doing things wrong... she doesn't like it but she is respectful and if she doesn't agree with him, she will talk to him respectfully and plead her case. My son won't do that. He will start name calling. It has more to do with different personalities, but my point is that your DH needs to be the one to set limit, boundaries, and enforce them with his own kids. I won't tolerate my kids treating DH with disrespect... just as I wouldn't tolerate them being mean to the other kids in school or if they didn't like a teacher, they were not allowed to be disrespectful. "treat others the way you would like to be treated" If they have nothing nice to say, they don't need to say anything, but they have to be respectful and that includes rolling eyes, making faces, or ignoring. I have had that problem with my SD because my DH has not had that expectation from his DD and I have a hard time when she treats me that way... because I won't allow my kids to do that to anyone. In regard to your small kids... teenagers don't typically get excited to have new siblings. They don't want to think of their parents as having sex.. and a baby is in their face proof that dad had sex. Yes, they probably know it happens... they just don't want to be reminded or think about it. Again, dad should be the one to expect them to treat their siblings with respect, which includes gift giving. I wouldn't expect a grown kid to come to a kids party but they should acknowledge their sibling. You can't make people do what you like and all you can tell your children when they get older and ask (and it may be a non issue if the older kids get better about it as they get older) is that you don't know why... because unless your stepkids tell you why they don't buy gifts, you really do not know why. My SD's mom does crappy things like she sends her mom to pick up SD instead of getting her herself or she cuts visits short and while I have my own opinion on why she does it, I don't know for sure and if SD asks.. the only true answer is "I don't know". Then, it was pretty insensitive to say "are you not happy that your dad is finally happy. Because we were very happy and so much in love." because that implies that dad was not happy with their mother or as a single parent with them before you came along... that YOU are responsible for any happiness he has. I would not like being told that. Personally, I was very happy when I was a single parent, just me and my kids. I love my husband and we are very happy together now... as far as relationships go, I never knew I could be so happy with someone. But, I would not want that tossed into my kids' face and him taking credit for all my happiness. I would find a way to be happy whether he is in my life or not. I'm sure he was very happy with his ex wife or when his children were born and he was raising them. If he wasn't.. his kids are the last people you want to tell. Besides, they lived it and they will already know whether they have seen him happy or not. It might help your situation to find a way to apologize to his kids for saying that. (I also thought it wasn't necessary to explain you are not responsible for their parent's divorce, if they were divorced 2 years before you came along, the kids know you didn't cause the divorce. They likely just want their parents together or to not have to go through seeing dad with someone new. It isn't personal, they would probably feel that way about anyone he's with) The best advice I can give you is to back off. It wasn't until my husband backed off and I stepped up to being the ONLY one to enforce things... and I have to be consistent, which has been a problem for me in the past (and yes, DH does remind me in private when I'm not being consistent) but it wasn't until I handled my grown kids 100% that it got better. I also stand up for the kids when I think he's being unreasonable.

End, I wonder if you did both go make wills together, if your attorney could tip you off if he changed it again behind your back, wonder if it would be legal for atty to do so? To inform you, I mean? Geez, giving HIS parents your kids? I m assuming they are your kids together? Without sharing that decision???? I would also wonder if thats legal? My brother had me on his will as guardians of his kids if anything happened to him (he was a widower) and I had to go in and sign I would do this, did his parents do that???? I think I d approach him again with what you need to be satisfied with will terms, or evaluate the whole marriage..Sad situation for you, for sure...