Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

15 years ago

I have been with the "Dad" for a year now. I am disabled and live off a very limited income. A long time ago we decided to move in together and combine our income. Since he pays an extremely excessive amount of child support, my disablity check is the main source of income. I am fine with that for now because in the near future this 'problem' will change and he will be the 'bread winner'.

He has two children and in the past he has had drug and alcohol problems that have created some rifts between him and his older daughter (especially). He feels very guilty about what has happened between them and has been working hard to repair the situation.

For 7 months, his 17 yr. old daughter had been living with her boyfriend (even though we offered her to move in with us) and living off her boyfriend's income. Since we've been together, every other weekend we would travel to where they lived (an hour away) and bought dinner for all of us (dinner/gas would cost around $60 total) out of my disability. We did have some heated discussions over this because I was feeling somewhat used because if we could not provide dinner one weekend due to finances - we would not visit her which left me feeling guilty.

His daughter now has a car and two jobs and still lives about an hour away with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend makes pretty good money and they both live with his father and doesn't pay any rent. She has been employed for only 3 months, but when she visits you can see she 'blows' her money on special items for herself. We also give her $10 for gas so she doesn't have to spend any of her own money to visit us. Now that she comes to our home, we are able to save some money because we can cook something for dinner instead of going out to eat. She also plans other activities around her visit which leaves us with very little time with her. The last time she came, she didn't even wait for us to finish dinner and her dad gave her all the leftovers forcing me to hurry up and to figure out if I wanted any more.

We currently live off $40 a week over the next 5 weeks due to a mess up in my social security check (I have to borrow over $400 from the government to pay for rent until I can pay them back mid-month). My husband just got mad because I really don't want to give the customary '$10' we pay her when she comes to visit her father. I feel that I should stick to my guns and not give into the pressures of my husband, but guilty as well because I have spent some money recently on his other daughter (6 yrs. old) on things she has needed. I spent 'that' money before I knew about the 'mess up'. He thinks I have begrudgently spent money on the 6 yrs. old compared to my reaction to the situation with the 17 yrs. old. I got some free tickets to a mueseum for children and he is refusing to go because he feels that the $5 I was going to spend on one of the tickets should go to the 17 yrs. old for gas. I don't really know what to do....any advice????

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Comments (7)

nivea
15 years ago
Why is he controlling your money?

Honestly, your post raised a lot of red flags. He can work two jobs to support himself and kids.

WHATEVER you provide financially for his kids should be appreciated by him. Not controlled.
sweeby
15 years ago
Agreed - red flags...

Why is it that he's not earning enough to pay his child support and still support himself? It's rare that a court will order that to happen.

And SD is old enough to understand that Daddy can't afford to give her extra money right now because he doesn't have it to give.
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation! I have to say that my situation has been stressful at times and there have been double standards. Luckily my dh and I could both discuss them and work things out. I think that all kids are smart and know how to play their parents at times. I still have issues with my 5 yr old ss playing daddy and grandma sometimes. I tell him no and then he cries to someone else and tries to get his way. They would give into him and I would complain and they would be like "whats the big deal"? I had to be the bad guy and put my foot down. We argued so I said forget it...want a brat then have one! A while passed and my dh saw how the tantrums got worse when he would tell my ss no and he was embarassed in public. Then he saw my point and we were able to be united on the issues and stop giving in. Things have improved. I have had my 11 yr old sd treating my 9 yr old biochild and her 5 yr old biobrother poorly sometimes and we had to work through that. I actually got criticized by some on here for it because I excluded her from something and then later almost excluded her from another thing for a few minutes because she was always excluding others. Some posters said it was "cruel". But my method worked. We actually made a huge break-through with that the other day. She went to a carnival with her friend and won some prizes. She brought a prize back for each sibling! (The last time she went somewhere she brought back things for her biosister and biobrother and not her stepbrother and his feelings were really hurt. We had to tell her that while it was nice for her to get the others something, that you can not exclude one person because then it hurts their feelings!) Anyways, blended families are the most difficult family situations! They always have more issues to work through than an "intact" family. I had no idea before marriage how hard it would be. We have had our ups and downs, but always more ups. I really hope your able to work through this! Best of luck to you!!
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theotherside Just to let you know a person does get a good credit rating with a cell phone account, as long as it is properly paid. He would not be responsible for the account we would be paying it, however, if he wanted to change or purchase anything with the account he would have free rein to do so. SS has a history of foolishly over spending and then coming to us to pay for his over spending. I could see him order a fancy phone and extras off the account and then telling us, leaving us to pay for his new francy phone and any extras he decided he wanted. Yea and he knows we would and with no worry for him. He might get a little talking to from dad but he would get his phone and what ever else he ordered. That is how past history has gone with SS. There is no way to set limits if the account is in his name. SS will be considered the main account holder and have all control of the account. Sweeby, maybe I am sensitive, but past history have caused me alot of stress in regards to extravagant spending on SS part and then expecting us to pay. What do you 2 think about him having his own account? The two of you did not respond to that. Why is it that we are expected to pay his cell phone bill? Although we have paid for his phone for the last 6 years. What is this about now days. I guess at 22 year old my parents were paying for nothing for me.
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I am probably going to get a boo or hiss but I am not sure why a sane ex-wife couldn't attend her ex-husbands funeral. Remember at one time there was enough love to marry and create a family. I think there may be much more to the Kasem story then we are privy to. I am sure I am not the only one who is on both sides of the wife thing. Now that my children are adults and my ex's SK's are adults finances are really getting diverted. At least with child support my kids were getting some thing. My ex is the main bread winner in his home. She stopped working as soon as she could. My children raised by me are very independent and financially secure. Her children are not. They are now "helping" hers out. I know if my ex dies before her my children will not see a Penny. Do not get me wrong, I expect her to live off their accumulated funds but I suspect my kids will be out of the will and all the money go to her children. I fortunately, do not have any of those issues with my SK. It was not so years ago though. The issue was not with SK but mom not having enough money and backing out of things all the time. I for one love that my SK is an adult and I love the time we spend together. Once a parent though always a parent and there will always be reasons for interaction.
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At 23 he is an adult and is responsible for his own life. I agree I would not let him move back into my home. You have 2 young children and are exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. A counselor will tell you and DH the same thing. I had a situation where I met with a counselor specializing with drugs and I learned a lot. They are very manipulative people and are only concerned with getting their next high. They are also 'me' people, they only think of themselves. If he doesn't have money to get drugs he will start stealing and you are the easiest target and the least likely to report him to the police. You can NOT force him into rehab and if you find a way (I did!!) he will not cooperate so it's a huge waste of time and money. I was also blamed as the reason he took drugs. It hurts, but don't fall to their level by playing the game. Sounds like DH feels much guilt and is to close to the problem, so you need to find a person you can trust that is objective and will give you good advice. Most successful rehabs take years, and many relapses in between. My friend's 16 yo nephew died this past weekend. He was a good student and just starting his senior year. He came over to her house Saturday night and did not wake up the next day. Very sad and such a waste of a young life that showed so much promise. Our newspaper had front page statistics of drug overdoses Sunday. The drug of choice now is prescription pain killers and they are very addictive and take too many and you just go to sleep and don't wake up. It is a very stressful situation and I wish you and yours the best. Remember he will only change when he wants too, you can't make him.
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believer
15 years ago
He shouldn't still be paying child support for the daughter that is living with her boy friend. What would he do it you weren't around? Why doesn't Dad get a part time job if he needs to? Too many questions left unanswered I'm afraid.
kathline
15 years ago
ITs hard not to jump to some conclusions, reading the original post.

My immediate reaction is that the poster , who is disabled, and on assistance, has allowed herself to be taken advantage of , for the sake of having a man around.

She isnt married to him. She is living with him, and supporting him, because he claims to have extremely high child support. If its that high, its probably because of arrears that have built up, but its still capped at fifty percent of his income. If its more than that, he needs to go back for a modification. That is assuming that he actually has a job, and income for support purposes has not been imputed to h im because he refuses to work.

So, he doesnt contribute, the original poster supports him, and pays for his kids needs. Then he gets mad at her because she isnt paying enough toward his children, in his opinion.

THe original poster is saying that eventually her boyfriend will be the wage earner ( when the child support is finished?) , but I wouldnt hold my breath.

What exactly are you getting out of this , OP? A man who is dependant on you, who gets angry at you over your own money, and who has made no committment to you ( living in is not a committment), is NOT better than no man at all.

Ask yourself what you really want from this relationship.
dogdogcrazy
15 years ago
Tell your bf if he wants to give his daughter $, then he needs to go earn it! Stop giving him or his kids any money - you are not their parent. Start taking care of yourself - you are the only one responsible for that!
triximky
Original Author
15 years ago
I do have a few more issues that I didn't cover (not defending his behavior), but since I am disabled I live in special housing and the total household income cannot be above a certain amount of money. If it goes over that, 'we' have to pay full rent which is twice what we pay right now.....hmmmmm

We ('I') am hoping that his 'professional' license will be processed and that the situation will change soon. It won't involve waiting for the 'child support' to be finished. He is waiting for a letter from the medical board and it has been 3-4 months without a response. (I have seen the 'paperwork' and I do know he has followed through and is trying to 'better' the situation).

I am on 'watch' to see what happens when the 'tables turn'. I have questions such as: "Is he going to give his 'money' to his children and leave us in the lurch. I did have the 'discussion' about this and he assured me that 'extra money' will be split evenly. I don't trust many, but I am waiting to see what happens and I am getting antsy about this because of this new little problem I am having right now.

I do recognize this situation is not fully benefitial for my well-being. I am now definitely holding my ground with his eldest daughter and the whole money issue. If he thinks that I am just going to 'go with the flow', from now on, he will be mistaken. I truly think she is at an age that she can pay for a bit a gas to visit her father. I guess when things 'change' finanically, I will really stick to the plan or else this won't work out for me.
catlettuce
15 years ago
Hmm, still think there are a lot of red flags here and you seem to be choosing a very painful relationship.

"We ('I') am hoping that his 'professional' license will be processed and that the situation will change soon. It won't involve waiting for the 'child support' to be finished. He is waiting for a letter from the medical board and it has been 3-4 months without a response. (I have seen the 'paperwork' and I do know he has followed through and is trying to 'better' the situation). "

Why? was his license revoked? From what you have posted, I'm concerned for your safety and welfare-you should be too.

Be careful, I'd suggest Al-Anon or CODA meetings. They have done me a world of good.

~Cat

Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

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Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

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