Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

17 years ago

I have been with the "Dad" for a year now. I am disabled and live off a very limited income. A long time ago we decided to move in together and combine our income. Since he pays an extremely excessive amount of child support, my disablity check is the main source of income. I am fine with that for now because in the near future this 'problem' will change and he will be the 'bread winner'.

He has two children and in the past he has had drug and alcohol problems that have created some rifts between him and his older daughter (especially). He feels very guilty about what has happened between them and has been working hard to repair the situation.

For 7 months, his 17 yr. old daughter had been living with her boyfriend (even though we offered her to move in with us) and living off her boyfriend's income. Since we've been together, every other weekend we would travel to where they lived (an hour away) and bought dinner for all of us (dinner/gas would cost around $60 total) out of my disability. We did have some heated discussions over this because I was feeling somewhat used because if we could not provide dinner one weekend due to finances - we would not visit her which left me feeling guilty.

His daughter now has a car and two jobs and still lives about an hour away with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend makes pretty good money and they both live with his father and doesn't pay any rent. She has been employed for only 3 months, but when she visits you can see she 'blows' her money on special items for herself. We also give her $10 for gas so she doesn't have to spend any of her own money to visit us. Now that she comes to our home, we are able to save some money because we can cook something for dinner instead of going out to eat. She also plans other activities around her visit which leaves us with very little time with her. The last time she came, she didn't even wait for us to finish dinner and her dad gave her all the leftovers forcing me to hurry up and to figure out if I wanted any more.

We currently live off $40 a week over the next 5 weeks due to a mess up in my social security check (I have to borrow over $400 from the government to pay for rent until I can pay them back mid-month). My husband just got mad because I really don't want to give the customary '$10' we pay her when she comes to visit her father. I feel that I should stick to my guns and not give into the pressures of my husband, but guilty as well because I have spent some money recently on his other daughter (6 yrs. old) on things she has needed. I spent 'that' money before I knew about the 'mess up'. He thinks I have begrudgently spent money on the 6 yrs. old compared to my reaction to the situation with the 17 yrs. old. I got some free tickets to a mueseum for children and he is refusing to go because he feels that the $5 I was going to spend on one of the tickets should go to the 17 yrs. old for gas. I don't really know what to do....any advice????

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Comments (7)

nivea
17 years ago
Why is he controlling your money?

Honestly, your post raised a lot of red flags. He can work two jobs to support himself and kids.

WHATEVER you provide financially for his kids should be appreciated by him. Not controlled.
sweeby
17 years ago
Agreed - red flags...

Why is it that he's not earning enough to pay his child support and still support himself? It's rare that a court will order that to happen.

And SD is old enough to understand that Daddy can't afford to give her extra money right now because he doesn't have it to give.
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I am so sorry to hear about your situation! I have to say that my situation has been stressful at times and there have been double standards. Luckily my dh and I could both discuss them and work things out. I think that all kids are smart and know how to play their parents at times. I still have issues with my 5 yr old ss playing daddy and grandma sometimes. I tell him no and then he cries to someone else and tries to get his way. They would give into him and I would complain and they would be like "whats the big deal"? I had to be the bad guy and put my foot down. We argued so I said forget it...want a brat then have one! A while passed and my dh saw how the tantrums got worse when he would tell my ss no and he was embarassed in public. Then he saw my point and we were able to be united on the issues and stop giving in. Things have improved. I have had my 11 yr old sd treating my 9 yr old biochild and her 5 yr old biobrother poorly sometimes and we had to work through that. I actually got criticized by some on here for it because I excluded her from something and then later almost excluded her from another thing for a few minutes because she was always excluding others. Some posters said it was "cruel". But my method worked. We actually made a huge break-through with that the other day. She went to a carnival with her friend and won some prizes. She brought a prize back for each sibling! (The last time she went somewhere she brought back things for her biosister and biobrother and not her stepbrother and his feelings were really hurt. We had to tell her that while it was nice for her to get the others something, that you can not exclude one person because then it hurts their feelings!) Anyways, blended families are the most difficult family situations! They always have more issues to work through than an "intact" family. I had no idea before marriage how hard it would be. We have had our ups and downs, but always more ups. I really hope your able to work through this! Best of luck to you!!
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After reading the new answers to my question, I can see how it can come off that I am obsessed with the BM. Actually, I posted that post on a day when I was very fed up with a whole bunch of things. Things said and done that seemed to keep pointing back to the point-of-origin being the BM. Basically, I agree with some of the things you all have posted and some are rather off base. It is a matter of me 'picking the meat and leaving the bones' in your posts. I do thank you all for your input. It has given me food for thought. As I see it right now, I am at a place (due to NEW things that have happened) where I have to decide if I am going to be a part of my Step-childrens lives. We know for a FACT that their BM is behind the scenes manipulating things, and we can only hope and pray that the children will come to realize this. Our decision is how to deal with it - we can't control them or the BM, so we have to decide what WE will do. What boundaries to set, and how far to go. Thanks for your input. Seeker
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Wow! The problem, from my perspective, is that maybe you've been TOO kind and giving. They are using a form of emotional blackmail to get what they want, maybe because they find it works for them? By that, I mean they are not sincere in being kind to you... they are looking to get what they can & since dad has nothing, they EXPECT it from you because you have been so generous. For whatever reason, they are using that tactic instead of sincerity. Their actions show no respect or even liking you or your DH. When your DH tells them how to behave properly, it sounds like they may know but don't care since they don't change their behavior. My uneducated guess would be that they harbor anger & resentment for their mother leaving... and they may also resent your DH for whatever reason (since I have no info on why that may be) and they have learned to use the guilt people feel for their situation to benefit from it. It almost reminds me of generational welfare families... they expect the government to take care of them but they don't necessarily like the government & want the government to stay out of their business but keep on giving them the money & if they don't get an annual increase or the amount decreases, they get angry or blame the government for their kids not being taken care of when the truth is they should not have had kids that THEY couldn't take care of. I used to see that train of thought all the time and it was partly to blame for my interest in sociology & behavior. My advice would be to cut them off. They are well into adulthood... and have husband's & children. If they can be so snide as to say "we have kids and jobs, and husbands you wouldn't understand.", which is a not so subtle or backhanded insult/jab, then I would simply use that as my answer next time they ask for something... "I have a child to raise & YOU have a husband that can/should help you with YOUR family". And your DH needs to back you up or better yet, HE should tell them this & keep YOU out of it. You are not their mother and YOU have NO responsibility or obligation to them. It is tough love on your DH's part because these "kids" haven't learned how to stand on their own two feet but they have learned to lay on their backs to make kids that they will probably use to garner sympathy to get you or DH to give them some cash... nobody wants a grandbaby to go hungry or possibly become homeless. They won't learn to ride a two wheeler (LIFE) on their own until the training wheels (YOUR MONEY) are removed. I know that when I was in my 20's and my dad told me "sorry, can't help", I had to figure it out. I was a single mom with 3 kids and no husband... not even a lazy one to help while I worked 2 jobs. (and no child support) He would offer to take in my kids and give me cash for birthdays & holidays but I also never had that entitled attitude. It was made very clear by my parents that I made decisions. I made my kids. I was a grown up. Period.
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believer
17 years ago
He shouldn't still be paying child support for the daughter that is living with her boy friend. What would he do it you weren't around? Why doesn't Dad get a part time job if he needs to? Too many questions left unanswered I'm afraid.
kathline
17 years ago
ITs hard not to jump to some conclusions, reading the original post.

My immediate reaction is that the poster , who is disabled, and on assistance, has allowed herself to be taken advantage of , for the sake of having a man around.

She isnt married to him. She is living with him, and supporting him, because he claims to have extremely high child support. If its that high, its probably because of arrears that have built up, but its still capped at fifty percent of his income. If its more than that, he needs to go back for a modification. That is assuming that he actually has a job, and income for support purposes has not been imputed to h im because he refuses to work.

So, he doesnt contribute, the original poster supports him, and pays for his kids needs. Then he gets mad at her because she isnt paying enough toward his children, in his opinion.

THe original poster is saying that eventually her boyfriend will be the wage earner ( when the child support is finished?) , but I wouldnt hold my breath.

What exactly are you getting out of this , OP? A man who is dependant on you, who gets angry at you over your own money, and who has made no committment to you ( living in is not a committment), is NOT better than no man at all.

Ask yourself what you really want from this relationship.
dogdogcrazy
17 years ago
Tell your bf if he wants to give his daughter $, then he needs to go earn it! Stop giving him or his kids any money - you are not their parent. Start taking care of yourself - you are the only one responsible for that!
triximky
Original Author
17 years ago
I do have a few more issues that I didn't cover (not defending his behavior), but since I am disabled I live in special housing and the total household income cannot be above a certain amount of money. If it goes over that, 'we' have to pay full rent which is twice what we pay right now.....hmmmmm

We ('I') am hoping that his 'professional' license will be processed and that the situation will change soon. It won't involve waiting for the 'child support' to be finished. He is waiting for a letter from the medical board and it has been 3-4 months without a response. (I have seen the 'paperwork' and I do know he has followed through and is trying to 'better' the situation).

I am on 'watch' to see what happens when the 'tables turn'. I have questions such as: "Is he going to give his 'money' to his children and leave us in the lurch. I did have the 'discussion' about this and he assured me that 'extra money' will be split evenly. I don't trust many, but I am waiting to see what happens and I am getting antsy about this because of this new little problem I am having right now.

I do recognize this situation is not fully benefitial for my well-being. I am now definitely holding my ground with his eldest daughter and the whole money issue. If he thinks that I am just going to 'go with the flow', from now on, he will be mistaken. I truly think she is at an age that she can pay for a bit a gas to visit her father. I guess when things 'change' finanically, I will really stick to the plan or else this won't work out for me.
catlettuce
17 years ago
Hmm, still think there are a lot of red flags here and you seem to be choosing a very painful relationship.

"We ('I') am hoping that his 'professional' license will be processed and that the situation will change soon. It won't involve waiting for the 'child support' to be finished. He is waiting for a letter from the medical board and it has been 3-4 months without a response. (I have seen the 'paperwork' and I do know he has followed through and is trying to 'better' the situation). "

Why? was his license revoked? From what you have posted, I'm concerned for your safety and welfare-you should be too.

Be careful, I'd suggest Al-Anon or CODA meetings. They have done me a world of good.

~Cat

Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

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Dad's past Finances and stepchildren

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