Why would you plan social events after working two 15hr shifts? Why not leave the get-togethers for times when you are up to socializing? By over extending yourself, you may have sent the 'message' (without meaning to) that you're not interested and/or flat out dislike family events. While you're dead tired and in dire need of personal relaxing, they're seeing a lady who is half a sleep in the chair and one that seemed bothered and antisocial towards what should be a fun event. These ladies are adults. They have homes of their own. They can invite Dad and you over occassionally and host events (they do the work) and you have the option of accepting invite or declining due to heavy work schedule. When you do the inviting and hosting, plan it on weekends that actually will be relaxing and enjoyable to you. I actually think a different home is a reasonable suggestion by your partner. The ladies childhood home? The oldest is 30. These ladies naturally view you as the outsider in this long held house. If partner is finacially able to sell his home and desires to set up a new environment, let him. New house, new start. Partner and you are planning on beginning a future as man and wife...do you really want to start it in a house where you're the outsider. Go house hunting. Let husband gather up the items in his present home that he no longer needs and/or the two of you plan on using. Give the items of personal maaning to the ladies and sell the rest. New home, new beginnings. Leave the sentimental strings behind you. 'The Meeting' was a bad idea. Too confrontational. And remember, respect goes two ways. These are not children, they're adults. They desire as much respect as adult children of your partner and you do the respect due you as partner's new mate. Don't blame them their father took so many phone calls his business suffered. He's an adult. He can pick up the phone once and announce 'not a good time'. Instead he chose to take all the calls...don't excuse his role in the issue. At 40 I'm going to assume you have held your own home until recently when you moved in with your partner. Do you still own it? You might consider spending time in your past home while your partner makes some serious decisions. Not a choice of 'you or them', but a workable solution as to how to blend all his ladies into his life. He needs to sit his daughters down and they (Dad/daughters) are the ones who should have been having that 'meeting'. He needs to come to an understanding with his daughters. He does not need their permission to select a partner. He does not need to be available to them 24/7 (he and they are all adults now). He loves them and he loves you...nothing you do is going to change his love for them and nothing they do (hissy fits and turning in keys) is going to change his love for you. And yes, my mother had a SO for 22yrs. She never married him, kept all assests and financials apart, and she kept her own home. She never gave up her house and basically spent time in both houses. My mother's SO's daughter went out of her way to be controling and a grown up spoiled hateful brat. My mother chose not to be controled by this daughter, nor to let this daughter control mom's relationship with SO.

You have more than one 'issue' going on...best you deal with them as what they are. 1) The children's mother died. She did not divorce your husband, she died. Right up to the day this lady passed on she and your husband were a couple and the parents of these children...an intact family , if you will. Naturally these children loved their mother. They mourn their mother. They hold very fond and loving memories of their mother. It's not a slam nor a sign of disrespect to you. Fact, it's not about YOU at all. So what if they post pics of Mom? So what if they bring up Mom when occassionally speaking. She was their mother. Why would you expect them to pretend the lady did not exist now that she's died and their father has chosen to remarry? Again, it's not about YOU. 2) Of course your children would never dream of helping themselves to the home you live in. It's not their 'home'. It's a house owned by a gentleman their mother just married recently and moved into. Making a comparsion between the situation of the children's feeling of ease in this house is silly. 3) There is bound to be a lot of emotions tied to this current home your husband shared with his deceased wife and his children. Ever discuss with your husband that perhaps it is time to purchase a house together? One the two of you can claim and share as a new beginning for husband/yours relationship. One where none of the children overly feel attached to nor is filled of old memories. Are you next going to post this current house is still left exactly the way it was the day the deceased wife died? And then you sit and and wonder why you feel like the outsider being haunted by days gone by and overstepping children. Now, look at the other issue. The adult children enabling. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess these children are just doing what Mom and Dad always allowed them to do. Your correct in that these adult children should be earning their own way through life...but I'm going to bank their parents (yes Mom AND Dad) raised and enabled these 'kids' to be the self entitled dependents that they have turned out to be. Did your new husband and you discuss this issue before you said 'I do'? I guess I never quite understand how some ladies go into some of these relationships seeing how tings exactly are (or assuming things) and then get all outraged and shocked when they actually begin to wake up 'from the honeymoon' and find these issues are still very much present. The issues you find objectional didn't just poof because now you wear a ring. Sit your husband down (something you should have done before marriage) and discuss finances, household expectaions, go house hunting (who wants to live with a ghost so to say)and see where and what the two of you come up with. If you find yourself yards apart in your wants and expectations, you'll likely correct that there is not much of a future for your relationship. If you find you're both willing to work as a team to build a solid communicating, compromising future that works for both of you together then it's time to put the plan in motion and begin to work towards that future. This post was edited by justmetoo on Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 13:32

HU-188136718 -- You really need to be getting yourself a lawyer, if you don't have one already. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, it is up to each state, within reason, to determine the division of marital property, and if you were technically (on paper) still married to your DH, you may have some recourse/ claim to get some of your joint items or property back or some sort of proceeds. Many times, your first meeting with a lawyer can be for free/ consulting and no fee will be charged. And the couple of times I did this, they were very upfront and clear with my options. Didn't try to blow me off or anything. They could be more resourceful than you think and without a charge for the first meeting! Worth checking it out. My heart also goes out to you because I know what is like to think you have a positive relationship with your stepkids, only to find out after some horrific episode or two that you do not. In your case, you're not only grieving the loss of your husband (or what you thought your relationship with him would be) and the loss of your home, estate and puppy, but also the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your stepkids. Please do not hesitate to seek out outside support from family, friends, ministers, therapists, etc. You need all the support you can get right now. HU-227652862 -- If I were you, I'd probably sit down and make a list of all of the reasons for your husband not to go, including time, distance, health issues, the fact that she needs to learn how to handle her adult problems herself, etc., and sit down and have a discussion with your DH. Since it is a hot topic for your DH, you will have to be the more responsible one to make sure that it does not degrade to a fight. You just remain calm, no matter what, and keep telling him that you love him and are concerned. Now, your DH will probably have only one main reason, although it is a good one, to keep doing these things for his daughter. He may not admit to it, but he may want to take advantage of any opportunity to see his daughter because he loves her, of course. And it may not matter that it is a bad reason or a reason that could greatly affect his health either. And him going there to "fix" things, further makes your DH feel needed by his daughter. It's tough to fight that parenteral instinct. Even though the parent may be being used and it may be detrimental to their health, it's their child and parents make self-sacrifices for their children all the time! So, the purpose of this discussion (not argument) you are going to have with your DH will be for both of you to logically (in theory) look at each other's side or angle. HOWEVER, if your DH wants to continue doing as he has been for this daughter, then that is pretty much his call, as hard as it may be for you to accept. I'd just make sure he knows the risks (including being taken advange of) coming from your angle, and if he does and chooses to do for her anyway, then you have to let it go. They have a father-daughter bond, and sometimes parents and their kids, incl. adult kids, have some sort of odd or near unhealthy codependency going on that on that works for them, regardless of how it may look on the outside. You can't make your DH separate from his daughter. I know people like to think SMs do this all the time, but in reality, no one can separate a man from his child or a woman from her child unless they, they themselves, want to separate.

Cruella49, you pretty much have the same situation as me. I've been with my 2nd husband for almost 11 years now, stepchildren were in their early 20's when we first got together and obviously should have matured by now. My husband's ex-wife walked out on him, left him with the kids, all the bills, etc. and now years later when he's financially sound, they take their frustration out on him! It's so ridiculous and has caused so many problems, arguments, etc. that about 2 weeks ago I told my husband that I thought the best way to move forward was for us not to discuss his adult children anymore. I have no problems with him seeing them, etc., but that he and I would avoid the topic as best as possible. I have stuck to my promise no matter how hard it's been and it's been wonderful. For the past two weeks, it's like a huge weight has been lifted. Bottom line, you can't change people who are almost 30, especially when they have a mom who is encouraging the bad behavior. Nothing you can do about it. My husband realizes that I've done everything possible to have a good relationship with them. They have done NOTHING in return, in fact they don't even know how to say thank you. I can't fix that. You can't fix your SD either. Another poster said you could have just called prior to the dinner date and then the whole uproar would have been avoided. Maybe so, but to me that's just putting a bandaid on a much bigger wound. She obviously had an issue with you and was just waiting for something like this so she could blow up. So why keep that festering? Let her have her say, and you have yours, now it's out in the open. She's probably angry that her mom had an affair and disappointed her and you're just the logical person to take it out on.