Sandieanne, I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and sad. I would too, in your situation. The truth is, unless you have left a bunch of stuff out, I don't see where your husband has made any adjustments at all. I wish I had more time to write, but let me just say that you have every right to feel the way you do. You should not give up your entire past to conform to your husband's, and he is out of line to expect you to do so. I so regret the many things I 'agreed to' in my marriage. I lost a lot of precious time with my family, some of whom are now gone. I can't ever get that time back :(

I am sorry you feel this way, it looks like you are the one doing most of the work.

I suggest you talk to your H about compromise. One holiday you all go to your family, the other holiday you all stay with his family. One weekend you do what he wants, the next one what you want. Otherwise you give up your entire life and it is wrong.

I am also close to my extended family and I would be devastated to not spend time with them. Maybe you can inform your H that next major holiday you want all of you to go to your family, so he will have time to prepare. i find out that if I inform my SO about something I want well ahead of time (like months sometimes), then he has time to think and he complies. If it is a short notice he feels pressured.
I hope you sort it all out. Men often do not understand how we fell, so your H might just not "get it" yet.

I ranted so much that I didn't say that my husband has encouraged some changes and supported many decisions. A lot of the changes stem around household behaviors, like eating dinner at the dinner table and wearing a shirts to meals. He has also been accepting of my input when it comes to discipline, but he is the primary disciplinarian (as I believe it should work). I know he has made many changes and has told me that he is trying to learn from his first marriage and make positive changes. He does encourage me to go see my family and has never stopped me from going. But I don't want to go and spend a holiday away from my husband. His ex and him have a custody arrangement that was put together by the court. Although we have tried to compromise with his ex and work out different times for exchanges, she does not and will not compromise. Because of the custody situation, we can't always go away for the holiday and, at this time, our place is not a good place to bring in company. I knew this going in, but I'm having some trouble right now and will need to make changes in the future. I think he gets it some of the time, but then life gets in the way and the day to day stuff takes over and the next thing I know, I'm feeling overwhelmed.

On the surface it appears that you have a husband problem, not an ex problem. By what you have said he seems to have lots of control issues. It seems that his family is more important, his rules are more important, his friends are more important, his time is more important, his traditions are more important, his career is more important and in short his life is more important.

If you want to find out how sincere your husband is in terms of compromising so that some of your needs are met in the marriage, play a little hardball and see what happens. It doesn't matter who makes the most money either.

For starters, he should either take the boy to school or pick him up after school or make arrangements for that to happen. He should be cooking half the meals, doing half of the cleaning and errands, etc. If he isn't prepared to kick in and share the work and family times you don't have a marriage, he just has a live in nanny with benefits for free.

Its rare I agree with Colleen, and I dont think I would have said it quite as blunt, but yes I think he does have control issues and yes, you are being taken advantage of.

He says "you are probably not ready to have a child" -- is that because you cant work full time with no help from him and take care of his child. This guy seems extremely selfish.

If you are young enough to have a child, I would give him a little more chances, but I would be planning on moving out. Dont worry, he'll find another woman to belittle, etc.

"Dont worry, he'll find another woman to belittle, etc."

my thoughts, too.

If you want your own family, you'll do better to get away from this guy & find one who wants to have a family with you.

I wish you the very best.

Ugh... Sandie, please don't listen to the smut coming out of some of these bitter women's mouths. It only causes you more confusion and eventually causes you to doubt your entire situation and your love for your husband. If you didn't love him and his son you wouldn't be there in the first place.

I know your feeling on some of these things. My job also allows me more flexibility and as DH is the major breadwinner in our family, we accept that and we make arrangements accordingly. No you didn't sign on take complete responsibility, but at the same time you did sign on to be his partner in life and his support system. That includes helping him with his child when you can. It was a package deal. (That's just how I see things...)

My situation is very similar to yours in the fact that I also moved (only 4 hours from home) to be with my DH and I also feel overwhelmed sometimes. I don't know anyone here either, and it's very tough to meet people with a husband and a SK attached to your hip. Don't feel so responsible that you feel you're stuck there 24/7. That's a MAJOR mistake. Go shopping, call your friends, go home for the weekends and leave hubby and SK at home. It helps soothe the ouch of the newness.

As for holidays, I understand that also, but think about this for a second. If you'd married a man without a child already would you not still make sacrifices and split holidays? What makes this situation different? Ok his family is doing T-day on Thursday, so Thursday evening or Friday spend that time with your family. The drive is worth it if you don't feel trapped and depressed.

I also understand the uncompromising EW. Been there doing that. My DH realized T-day that she's never going to wise up and straighten the BS out so he's going to stick to the dates on the court order and make plans accordingly. If she doesn't like it, tough. She signed the papers over willingly knowing what they said.

Hang in there! All of this takes some getting used to and some adjustment on his part too. It sounds like he's trying but doesn't know how you to make those changes. I suggest a long talk on oposite ends of the sofa. Don't make accusations, but let him know how you really feel and tell him that you're telling him this because you want your marriage to work and for you to be a strong couple for his child and for your future children together. He'll listen even if it seems it's going in one ear and out the other.

Hope this helps!

I don't hear any "bitterness" or "smut" in the responses.

I hear heartfelt sympathy & support for a young woman who's uprooted her entire life & who is being taken for granted & treated badly by the man who promised to love *her* (it *is* a 2-way street).

No one has to prove her love by allowing herself to be mistreated, taken for granted, trivialized, & used.

& a person who would do that to her is *not* someone who loves her or who deserves her love.

Slowdown, I fail to see how you can define any of the remarks as "smut". They're also not bitter.
As for your remarks:
"would you not still make sacrifices and split holidays"- where does Sandie say they split holidays? This year both Thanksgiving and Christmas are with his family, as was at least last Christmas. Perhaps Sandie is not in a position to go to her family Friday. So there's no splitting, it's all his family.
"call your friends"- Sandie has said that she doen't know anone outside of work. She has also said that she would like to spend some time with her HUSBAND, which doesn't seem to be happening because of his outside activities and socialising with HIS friends. I don't think it is unreasonable for a wife to want to spend some time with her husband.
Of course Sandie loves her husband, or she wouldn't be there. But the question is, how much does her husband love her? Dismissing someone's opinions and making light of their family traditions, leaving them to shoulder the bulk of child and house care etc doesn't sound very loving to me.

I definitely dont see any bitterness or smut either..in fact,if you think THAT was smut then maybe you should be on a different forum? WTF?
I think the advice was right on the mark. So much that I really dont have anything to add.

Sandi, we all wish you the best. Your husband to be seems to be demanding and narcissic. He does not seem to care for you. Even if his first wife was looney, I have to wonder, did he put her there.

Maybe I should be on a different forum if all you ladies are going to do is sit around and bash each other. Personally, if I needed that, I'd call my mother. I'm glad you all have such fun doing this.

I came here for advice on a sticky situation at home and was told to run not walk to the nearest exit. WTH? ADVICE on how to deal with things ladies not advice on how to leave my DH. Once again if I needed that I'd call my mother. (Please refer to "Slowly going insane". and "I know this is a mistake..")

I never said a thing about all of you being bitter, nor about your responses on this particular post, just a select certain few and they know who I'm talking about since I've left my thoughts on a few of my own posts. So you can remove your teeth from my a$$ or I'll start expecting dinner and a movie. ;)

I'm glad you all feel that you can sit here and justify this automatic response about a man you've not even met. Happy for you. I'm glad you can generalize him as KKNY and TOS generalize the SM's. You all are great entertainment! I love how you twist people's words and jump down their back at every opportunity. Just like high school only without the prom king and queen.

"I never said a thing about all of you being bitter,"

I'm not picking on you, but isn't this what you said?

" * Posted by slowdowntherecrazy (My Page) on
Sat, Nov 24, 07 at 15:53

Ugh... Sandie, please don't listen to the smut coming out of some of these bitter women's mouths"

I also didn't think any of the responses were smut, but I do think that some of the suggestions (to leave him) were not in the interest of "helping". Unless he is beating her or in some other way "abusing" her, they are married and she came here for advice and support and didn't really get much. (although I liked Colleen's message) It does seem as if she may not be communicating her needs to her husband and he is taking her for granted. That doesn't mean he doesn't love or appreciate her. It could mean that he doesn't know how she feels and she should tell him. They haven't been married very long and it's sometimes hard, when you are in the "Honeymoon" phase, to bring up subjects that might not be so pleasant. If it wasn't discussed before they got married, it probably should have, but criticizing that now isn't going to HELP.

We all come from different places and I agree with the fact that someone comes here to post a problem, and when someone gives advice or an opinion (on the problem), they get inundated with an attack sometimes, from opposing points of view. Aren't we here to offer support and insight on the poster's "problem" and not bicker that we are right? I've been pulled into defending myself several times and feeling like I have to explain why I feel the way I do. Aren't we all entitled to have different opinions?

"please don't listen to the smut coming out of SOME of these bitter women's mouths"

Some. Not all.

First of all,I know exactly who you were talking to and I STILL dont see how they said anything wrong to be classified by you as smut or bitter.
So they told the woman to leave her husband? MAYBE THAT IS WHAT THEY WOULD DO,so that is the advice they gave.

"I'm glad you all feel that you can sit here and justify this automatic response about a man you've not even met"

Of course we can! Because if we couldnt there wouldnt be ANY forums! We get ONE SIDE OF A STORY,and that is what we have to go on.

"So you can remove your teeth from my a$$ or I'll start expecting dinner and a movie. ;) "
I think you need to grow some thicker skin if you think my teeth were anywhere near your a$$.I was just agreeing that I dont see what was so wrong about what they said.
And once again,if you think the ladies here are so horrible,I challenge you to go to any other forum where the cussing is not bleeped out and see if you last an hour.
People are way more cruel,especially to newbies.

Here the ladies are brutally honest.They have their opinions,but I highly doubt any are here trying to make things worse on purposes.
I do not take sides on this forum.If I really thought what was said was wrong,I'd say so.I think if you have problems with people here,then maybe you should address them,but to me,yuo came to this post and started something out of nothing.Not cool.

There should be compromises, and it does sound like OP is doing more than her fair share of both the compromising and the parenting.

It's very easy for some men to feel like they are being a "Good Father" because they have provided a "Good Mother." Like by volunteering your time to chauffer around his son, that he is being a good dad. SORRY. Time to re-evaluate. The "Your job is more flexible" line is a bunch of BS. IMO, it's the kind of BS that keeps women earning $0.75 for every dollar a man earns because she may have to go running off every Thursday at 2:00 to pick Junior up from school...

I'd try making a written list of all of the pick-ups, drop-offs and household chores, then sitting down with DH and getting them 'assigned' to either you or him. If you're working full-time, they shouldn't be terriby skewed when you're done, and if they are, you *need* to point that out and have some adjustments made. If you don't write them down, the 'skew' won't be visible, so don't shortcut that step. Same with the perks, compromises and holidays -- Either it's skewed and needs adjustment, or it's not as unbalanced as you think.

Either way, there's a win in it for you ---

It seems to me if X has children EOW, there should be plenty of "couple" time. Many parents, in intact or blended families, dont have nearly that much. It sounds like OP is aching for time with hubby, and I cant imagine newlyweds (livng togethor one year, married one month) dont fspend more time without hubbys friends. I still question this guy's desire to have a meaningfull marriage. IMHO.

sweeby,

"IMO, it's the kind of BS that keeps women earning $0.75 for every dollar a man earns because she may have to go running off every Thursday at 2:00 to pick Junior up from school..."

You hit the nail on the head..