Oh Susan, Sorry to hear about your dear husband! I'm only here sometimes; not as much as in the past. My current job really keeps me hopping, as well as my DD being in the second grade, homework and other activities keep me too busy. :-)

I have NO idea how to advise handling feelings after losing a loved one (whether or not they were already ill, it is still a blow). I know that during all of my husband's ongoing illnesses, I just prioritize things that have to be done, and I don't stress over the clutter in the house, etc. I focus on things that have to be done, like cooking, dishes, laundry. And occasionally I will turn on some good music and tackle a project, such as getting photos organized or filing papers or something like that.

I also tended to neglect myself. So from time to time, I have to consciously do something just for me. A trip to see family, an afternoon of antiquing, getting my hair or nails done, or something. And that's hard to do - focus on myself feels selfish. But now that you have lost your husband, and you just came out the other side of the hectic holidays, you should take some personal timeout to do something just for you.

((HUGS))

I'm also sorry to hear of your loss-even if a death is not unexpected, losing a loved one is still that, a great loss.

"For instance, there's a wooden bed in the living room that will go in the guest room when the old mattress and bed frame have been removed, but that won't happen until the new mattress has been delivered, and I don't want that to happen until I've restored some semblance of order to the guest rooma major task sine it's been serving as my catch-all room for a couple of years. Oy!"

This is exactly where I am-part of the reason I was asking about yard sale v. Goodwill. It feels like I can't ever do A until I do B which depends on C which...arrgh, so frustrating!

Right now I'm wrestling with STILL finding places for some of the things I decluttered from the home office (aside from the turtle fetuses :). And now I"ve got miscellaneous holiday things in a pile in the florida room that have to be put somewhere. I am trying to swap out my daughter's bed for a new, smaller one that should help some with the jammed-up feeling in her room, but that means I've first got to take out the old bed and mattress/box springs and then arrange to take them to my sister before I can even declutter the rest of the room including finding a place for all the things I have hidden under that great big bed. Although, once the current bed is gone I'll need to get a new one in there ASAP but I don't want to do that till the old bed is out of the house. In her room, too, I want to clear out the closet but I have no idea where all the stuff in there is going to move. And my son's room-it has a lot of things cluttering up the space but I can't put everything away till I go through his closet as well to clear THAT out so I have room to put things from the room away. And so it goes.

This is my hidden gotcha of the classic 'just do it for X minutes' advice. 15 or 30 or whatever minutes of organizing still doesn't help find the mythical spot for the items I've now pulled out of one spot...I need to find another spot for them and here goes YA organizing headache!

Quite often once I start these mental wheels spinning, I just go lie down with a good book till the impulse passes.

So if it helps, at least please know you are not alone, either in the domino effect of decluttering or in the frustration.

Ann

Susan - Of course you are overwhelmed. I'm including a website for life change scores. We used these when I worked in a foster family agency to measure stress in families. You have at least 5 major events (past, present and near future are included) going on. You are on total overload. If you can see your way clear, when you are finished working,why don't you take a few days off and try to relax and regroup. Now, you won't have to squeeze everything into weekends.

http://www.wholistic1.com/test5.htm

Take care of yourself.

Carol

So very very sorry to hear about your dear husband -- of course you would be overwelmed -- and feeling downhearted -- completely understandable!!!

O.K. you need some rest -- AND if possible -- call in any friends or family that have any spare time -- in other words -- enlist some help. Even for ONE hour of work (have the job planned and ready to go .....)

Can you literally list out EACH room - and then list what needs to be done to get that space into a livable (not perfect!!! :)) condition. And try to be very honest about what kind of conditions you can live with ---- even for a short time. Sometimes a friend can help out with a list like this ----- a bit of "stepping back and looking with fresh eyes" to make the list workable ......

Just breathe -- and do what you can .....

My heart goes out to you - years of organizing/remodeling and the dealth of your husband.

Can you possibly get someone else to help you get one or two rooms livable to give yourself a place to have some peace and relaxation?

I like the "make a list for each room" idea, and second the "define 'livable' carefully" advice--not perfect and "done," just "much more livable than now."

It will also help you find that "bottom domino." I had to sit down and do that a year or so ago. The one thing everything else was waiting for turned out to be the discarding/donation of the "she'll never wear them" hand-me-downs. That freed space for my winter clothes, which freed space for the boxes in the LR to move to the BR, which free space for.....I think the chain was about 8 things long.

And I think you should ask those kids to come NOW, not just for dinner, to help you to two or three of the bigger things that are close tot he bottom domino.

And hire someone to deal w/ the mold issue, and even some of the other things you *think* are yours. If you can at all swing it.

AND....I want to challenge you and Ann on this point::
Although, once the current bed is gone I'll need to get a new one in there ASAP but I don't want to do that till the old bed is out of the house.
and
there's a wooden bed in the living room that will go in the guest room when the old mattress and bed frame have been removed, but that won't happen until the new mattress has been delivered, and I don't want that to happen until I've restored some semblance of order to the guest room

What would happen if you had that new furniture delivered FIRST, before all these other ideas?

Or, you dig out all the stuff under the bed NOW, not later?

Sometimes those orders are based on ideals, and not on what would actually work best for you, give you the most effective result sooner. Just something to think about.

(for instance, getting the new bed might make it easier to focus on getting the guest room back in order--you'll be inspired by the bed itself, and then bingo! at least one room is done)

Susan, I, too, am so sorry for your loss. It seems no matter the circumstances we're always shaken and need to heal, each in our own way and time. Given your bio, you've always been so energetic and creative that surely this is a temporary and well deserved slump. I do hope, as others have said, you'll permit yourself to just do whatever YOU WANT to do for a while. The house will be so much easier to deal with when you're feeling better. And we all understand that's a catch 22, because when the house is livable we feel better! It would be wonderful if someone could lend a hand too. Chores shared with a friend are often surprisingly good times. Take care, Sandy

Thanks so very much. You are all just great! Ann, it really did help to know you're going through similar experiences. Reading all the responses as they were posted gave me a shot in the arm, and I actually accomplished quite a bit this afternoon. I uncovered the piano and cleared under and around it. This was a biggie, believe me! This is the first time I've seen the beautiful Persian rug under the piano bench in more than two years.

I do have a spot for peace and relaxation: my bedroom. I wish I had the first post I wrote in this forum. I was about the room that is now my bedroom. It had belonged to my son when he was a teenager, and he left a lot of junk there when he moved out. Other things landed there as well, and the space was dirty and total squalor, complete with holes in the walls. I came here looking for support, and I got it in spades.

I'd love to read what I wrote about that room, because it's completely different today. That was the first remodeling project the contractor tackled. It now has two new walls, three new windows, a new door, panels between the ceiling beams, mini-blinds I hung myself, tab curtains, and a mix of antique furniture and reproductions. I love it!

You're rightI need to recruit my kids. My DS is good about helping out. He's on a break from college and plans to spend an afternoon moving furniture for me. I'm developing a rather long list of things for him to do. My DD lives about 45 minutes away. She's a single mom with a long commute in the opposite direction, so I tend not to call on her for help very often.

Carol, that's an interesting list, thanks. I was amused to find Christmas slightly more stressful than breaking the law. :-) I'm surprised the death of a child wasn't on the list. I would have put it at the top.

Talley Sue, there would be no place for the furniture to go at this point. I have to get stuff out of the living room first.

Oh, and Sandy, I realized that I have a good friend who is wonderfully organized. I'll bet she wouldn't mind coming over to do a little consulting. She could easily help me pull apart the threads of my convoluted tasks, I'm sure.

Thanks again,
Susan

My condolences on your husband's passing....

My total-house update has been a long time in happening because there's just too much to do in life even aside from the remodel. I even know what the "bottom domino" is and I still haven't managed to tackle it (because it's a big job and I don't think I can do it in little pieces, though I probably can). I'm hoping that getting past that one hurdle gives me the momentum (and the room) to move on to the other projects. I, too, am tired of living in that kind of disorder and of using it as a valid excuse to not have visitors.

Good luck to you.

Susan, I remember when you wrote that your husband died, but to read all of this, I can imagine why you're overwhelmed. I don't have any words of wisdom, except that I agree with Tally Sue that you shouldn't wait to get everything cleaned up before inviting your kids to dinner. Even if they don't end up helping a lot, it will be good to do something ordinary like that rather than putting it on hold.

And I'll add my voice to encourage you to call your friend. I'll bet she'd like to help you after all you've been through, anyway, and it's usually fun for an organized person to help organize someone else. (My sister is like this, and *loves* to help me organize.)

Best of luck. And I do hope you get back to a boring, ordinary life soon.:)

Susan, you have my Sincere Sympathy on the loss of your husband. I have read your other posts and know you were a care giver for a long time. You have more than a full plate right now. Have your children cleaned out what belongs to them? Give yourself time, I know sounds easy for me to say. Can you try just a corner of a rm. day and then treat yourself to a walk or writting time? Good luck.

Susan, I also remember reading what you first wrote about your home and the bedroom...and I remember when you posted some pictures of areas that were done, and how happy it made you! Maybe if you can keep that in mind it will help you know that 'this too shall pass.'

As for me, this forum is such a lifesaver! I don't want to hijack your topic but last night with the help of my MIL who is a born organizer, we cleaned up my son's room :). That was such a boost, because it is and has been a disgusting pit for so long. The immediate impetus is that he is doing SAT tutoring and for the first few sessions they had to use the office, which was really inconvenient for the rest of the family (it is in the middle of the house so we couldn't fix dinner, make noise etc). He is starting 2-hour sessions tonight so the room HAD to be ready. Anyway, it really was in large part the resurgence of helpful tips and support here that got me motivated to tackle that awful job. Well that and putting some other talent to work...I first had him put things he didn't want but that could still be used into a box plus put trash into a bag. Then my MIL and I sorted, tossed and arranged. And now the room looks usable again. Success!

And as always Talley Sue has a brilliant idea:

"What would happen if you had that new furniture delivered FIRST, before all these other ideas?"

I'm going to do exactly that. Will be going to the store this afternoon to order the new mattress/box springs, and they advertise delivery within a day or so. I called my sister and Sunday she and her boyfriend are all set to help unload and assemble the bedding we are getting rid of. So what if the new stuff sits in the florida room for a day or so? At least it will make me keep the momentum going.

Thanks and Susan, good luck getting yourself motivated again. It just ain't easy at the best of times and these aren't the best of times for you. Don't forget to take care of *yourself* too, that is very important.

Ann

getting a little "thinking" help from that organized friend sounds like a phenomenal idea. Someone who can be fun to be with, and who knows your home, will really help.

Sometimes we can't help as specifically here, bcs we don't know what your house looks like. (well, I've seen your *kitchen*...) Or our mental picture of it from your descriptions isn't accurate.

Even my best friend, who has visited my house countless times, can't always make suggestions that will work.

I even know what the "bottom domino" is and I still haven't managed to tackle it (because it's a big job and I don't think I can do it in little pieces,

Steve, is it time to HIRE SOMEONE ELSE to do that bottom domino? So you'll be able to do the other ones, once the chain-reaction is in motion?

And boy do I know what you mean, about not being able to do bigger projects bcs the work fo the day is enough to fill up the time!

I even know what the "bottom domino" is and I still haven't managed to tackle it (because it's a big job and I don't think I can do it in little pieces,

Steve, is it time to HIRE SOMEONE ELSE to do that bottom domino? So you'll be able to do the other ones, once the chain-reaction is in motion?

And boy do I know what you mean, about not being able to do bigger projects bcs the work fo the day is enough to fill up the time!

I had decided late last year that I should do that. I just haven't yet gotten around to figuring out who I want to hire. It's also a pain to have to arrange to be home to let people in to estimate the job and then there's the whole "I want to be around when they're in the house but I would have to arrange that too" thing.

Probably the hardest part, though, is getting past the notion that it ain't brain surgery (the "bottom domino" is removing wallpaper) and that I ought to be able to do it and I certainly have the skills (if not the temperament) but I certainly don't seem to find the time. Seems silly to hire someone for that.

Hey, steve_o! One of my bottom dominos is removing wallpaper, too. Wanna plan a party? We could all do it together and post before and after pics. My offending paper has geese with bonnets. What's yours?

Alisande,

I would be overwhelmed in your shoes, too. Could you hire someone to remove the mold from those beams? That much time on a ladder could be hazardous to your health. My neck and back hurt just thinking of it.

I must have missed your post about your husband's passing. My condolences to you. It takes time for your heart and mind to work through these things. It hasn't been very long yet.

Go ahead and have your children over for dinner (or to help). It's really OK to serve them on a card table with folding chairs. And it's OK if the meal is simple. I know you like foods in as close to their natural state as possible, but sometimes "as possible" means in a can. ;)

(yet another) Susan

I certainly don't seem to find the time. Seems silly to hire someone for that.

I finally said to my DH, "sure, we *can* do these things (paint, etc.), but the fact is, we AREN'T. Which means we don't want to. And that's legitimate. Let's stop fighting it, and just pay someone else to do it."

I think I would rather work a second job somewhere in order to pay someone to remove wallpaper. I *know* that would be a more effective strategy!

Also, I agree w/ (yet another) Susan:
**Invite people over for dinner in a messy house! One of my favorite meals was when I called up a friend we hadn't seen in a while and said, "would you like to come eat spaghetti in a messy apartment?" They brought wine, we bought garlic bread, and sauce from the jar. And we didn't clean. It was a great night!

I self-painted most of our rooms over time. But I paid to have the rooms with the high walls done. And I paid to have the bath wallpaper stripped. It was $25 an hour, and I figured even if it took 8 hours, it would be $200, which for THAT particular job, is money well spent!!!

Alisande

I sooo understand your situation being in a similar one myself. The dominos analogy is absolutely perfect! I never thought Id long for simple tasks like vaccuming, ironing and dusting either. LOL!!

In my case its a new to us house we moved into in April. As we needed more cupboard space and new appliances there, the kitchen was (and still is) first on the agenda. Seemed no biggy just call a cabinet maker & get these cabs organized, add an island & move on to the next issue. The trades are soooo busy here that 8 months later our new appliances sit in the garage with their warranties diminishing, the kitchen is painted, and thats it! If wed wanted to rip the kitchen entirely, it probably would have been done by now but finding someone to do custom work is a huge chore and when you do find someone, its hurry up and wait once again.

As wed begun with the primary focus of kitchen, it took quite some time to switch gears. However eventually we moved on to the living/dining and the majority of those rooms are done. However now both the TV & the DH snoozing on the new sofa are in the Living Room, which does not make my heart beat madly, because (Domino) the Family Room is full of boxes, yet unpacked, destined for other rooms, one of which is the kitchen. And on it goes . . . the carpet which will go from Master Bdrm to Guest Bdrm but first we have to . . . and like that. I know you know.

Being totally overwhelmed, particularly with the Xmas season upon me - Where is the turkey roaster? Where is the Turkey Platter? Which box is the . . . I coped as best I could over Xmas but it sure wasnt the Xmas Id planned using this ancient stove the door doesnt close properly on rather than my new oven and like that! Now also looming is Spring and with that event, a garden badly in need of tending. Once gardening starts it will be even more difficult to balance "house" with "garden" time.

So, being very desperate to get some balance back, what Ive done is use the Flylady Zone thing but in a different way. This week the Zone has been the front entrance/front hall/dining room. Our Xmas tree was in the Dining area so I took that down, and moved furniture back into place, dusted, polished, did some small "to do" items such as putting little protector pads on the table lamps so they dont scratch the table tops, and cleaning up the entrance/front hall. I have blinds coming for the Living/Dining at the end of Jan so Im filling and staining the Dining window frame (the Living frames will be done when its Living Zone time). Past that I cant do much as the dog kennel presently residing in the front hall but destined for either the garage or the family room cannot go either place for now as both are too full of stuff that belongs in other areas.

Basically Ive looked at a Zone, listed what needs to be done in it over and above cleaning and will work on those items for the duration of the Zone time. Next Zone is Kitchen / Laundry and there are (non-cleaning) things I CAN do there so Ill make a little more progress though it certainly wont be complete.

I dont know that it would work for you, or at this point, even for me. LOL! It does however, get me started somewhere, which for me was a problem. I was so overwhelmed with how much there was to do and how much is not getting anywhere near where I had expected it to be by now, I was in "throw up my hands" mode. So far, its also helped with the ADD Syndrome that seems to set in when you are surrounded by *masses of stuff*.

I also want to convey comfort on your loss and, having a 90 year old father with Alzheimers, understand your feelings of it being, to some extent, a blessing. Regardless, no matter how expected, its a big life change so treat yourself gently.

Warm regards + Hugs

PS - I'd definitely get those beams done for you. That is a huge job that just the idea of doing it would have me putting it off forever!

We're supposed to be packing up and sprucing up to sell our house, and we are WAY behind, w/ much to do.

We've *been* bopping from room to room; i want us to focus first on ONE room, until it's all the way done.

Though, that "as much as possible in one room this week; switch rooms next week" sounds good too. I don't think it would work for this project because DH would just not do anything unless he's seeing bigger progress on one room.

But I do think that "this week is the LR's turn; do as much as you can and 'oh well' for the rest" might make Susan feel more in control.

Susan,

I wish you lived closer and I would come help! You have, in spite of grieving, accomplished quite a bit... remember that! Every step forward, even a small one, gets you closer to your goal.

Find one of your kids or a close friend (choose one who will pitch in and help) and invite them over to give you a new perspective. My first thought, for example, was WHY do you still have a bed in the guest room?? Get that bed out of there now and you'll have more room to sort through what's left and find a better place for it so the new bed can come out of the living room. The guest room doesn't have to be perfect... it just has to have enough space to assemble the new bed. Look at the dominoes differently now: When one piece falls in place, they ALL will fall in place.

As for what order to do things in? Your two choices are to (1) choose the room that's easiest to improve the fastest so you'll see results and have another civilized area, or (2) choose the room that bothers you the most so it won't weigh heavily on your mind.

P.S. I tend to choose two rooms and go back and forth every few days for a change in scenery. After a while I lose momentum if I stay in the same room too long. :)