Welcome ... I am also a SM to 4 kids (g19 b13 b10 g9) ... mom to 2 (g23 and b16).

If not for my 3 youngest SC's BM's influence we would all get along fantastically ... :) Oldest SD has a different mom ... she disappeared 15+ years ago.

I am sure you will get a few responses to your post.

"Just because kids are in a blended familly does not give them a huge exempt card for being responsible for their own choices and behavior. They don't get to behave badly just because their parents divorced, that is a cop out. Some step parents really do care and try hard, and sometimes love isn't enough for some kids. Believe that."

Well said.

I think there are some kids (and adults, too!) that will just F up over and over again...and who knows why??? They can blame it on their parents' divorce, they can blame it on being bullied in school, blame it on drugs or alcohol, whatever...they will use whatever excuse they can think of to condone their behavior.

My mom was an alcoholic when I was growing up and my parents separated, got back together, separated again and finally got divorced...she started drinking when I was 9 and didn't stop until I was 21.

But that isn't my carte blanche to act however I want...

At some point EVERY SINGLE PERSON needs to take responsibility for their own actions and behavior--stepparents, bio parents, stepkids, biokids, EVERYONE.

I can totally see how you feel you're at the end of your rope. Honestly, I think if this girl were your own DD you would probably be feeling just as frustrated and angry, and rightly so. It sounds like her behavior is WAY out of control.

What sort of things, may I ask, is she doing?

Is she in counseling? Is DH willing to address the problems? Is it affecting your other children?

I'm sorry things are in such turmoil...

Welcome,wildthing...I hope you find the support you need here. Rest assured, there are other SMs here who have been (or are) where you are.

Here's some food for thought, though someone will come along with something(s) much more profound. There are some really smart folks here,...

15 is a rough age, even when life is perfect. And you are right...divorce, etc does not give her the right to behave poorly. But....15 is a rough age, even without anything drastic being added to the mix...as you well know given your work with kids (which I missed the first time I read your post and just now noticed!).

I will bet that she has learned to "be the victim" somewhere. It didn't happen overnight. And she has likely been "rewarded" (ie, gotten what she wanted) by acting the part (victim). It's probably time to start ignoring her "victimization" and rewarding the good stuff (if/when you can find it)...just like when they are little kids. Now, doesn't that just sound easy-peasy?! Ugh.

You probably have to have a little "come to Jesus" talk with your hubby, though, if you want to make any headway. The two of you have to be on the same page and present a united front to your SD. She probably doesn't want to go live w/Mom, but you should make it clear to her that if things don't change, that is exactly what will happen. Then make the rules and stick to them. That part is the easier part...not always pleasant, but fairly easy.

Also, I'd insist on (family) counseling. She doesn't have to like it, but she'll likely get SOMETHING out of it. And if she doesn't, at least YOU will have the chance to.

Stepkids DO need love...just like EVERYONE else. It's a basic need in us all. I don't think they need more love than anyone else. Maybe more therapy, but probably not more love.

I honestly can't say that I'm speaking from my own experience. I am a SM to 2 great kids (also 18 & 15, like yours), and knock wood, no problems yet from them. Now their mom, that's another story, but we're managing....

Again, I'm glad you found this forum. I think you'll get some sage advice. And if not, it's a great place to vent!

15 is a tough age. step or bio, divorce or not, kids can be difficult at this age, especially girls. they can drive adults nuts. of course divorce is not an excuse for behaving poorly...What exactly does she do that makes her manipulative? Any specific examples?

Although i acknowledge that 15-year-old could be a problem (been there done that), I find rather disheartening phrases such as "I cannot stand her". I cannot imagine saying it about my own daughter, no matter what she did, or about any child for that matter. I can guarantee she knows how you feel about her and it does not help the situation.

I do not know what argument you had wiht your SD and why DH took her side, but he knows you dislike her and cannot stand her (it is hard to hide), he probably feels bad about it so he tries to compensate by taking her side in arguments. He probably feels bad when you say you want SD to leave but he wants her to stay.

Maybe it is better for her to go live with mom under the circumstances?

Thanks for the follow up. To answer a few of the questions. What is she doing, behavior wise.. it is a lot of lying and trying to triangulate her dad and I. This has been ongoing and it has also included my family, ie my mom and dad and my little sister. She was allowed to go over and spend the night there etc to hang out with my sis, and she began talking about her dad and I (mostly me) saying that we were so mean, we won't let her do anything, even some made up stuff. So then my p's and my sis would get pissed at me and I wouldn't know why, and then they would want to have her spend more time over at their house thinking that we were just so unfair to her. None of it true. Just lies.
She also did the same thing with my ex best friend of 22 years. She started baby sitting for her and pretty soon she was over at her house "baby sitting" every weekend, and come to find out she was over there just bs'ing with my friend and telling more lies...found out when I called my friend to vent to her about sd's behavior one night and low and behold I got the shock of my life when she told me that I needed to go to counseling because I was a sh*tty step mom. I mean, Hello, this was supposed to be my best friend. But in a matter of one month, sd had told enough lies that she believed them without even talking to me about it. I still can hardly believe it to this day. That was about 6 months ago. My friend tried to act like things were fine with us and would never apologize, so I just ended the friendship, because I felt so betrayed. Plus I decided to forgive sd at the time because she poured it on thick when told she had to go live with her mom. I chose her over my friend. But likewise, my friend chose her over me. So, if that is any indication of how good at manipulating she is, then there it is.
She does the same thing with teachers etc at school. She just loves to have people feel sorry for her and get that type of attention, and always be the victim.
Yes, she has been playing the victim her whole life. When I look back, I see it all so clearly now. It has been the kind of attention she seeks and finds in other people very easily. Her mom's entire family behaves that way, so it was something she learned from them early on. I kid you not, her mom and her aunts are victims all over the place. Nothing is ever their fault they are victims of everything. It is very disturbing.
We don't feed into it like others, which is why she makes her dad and mostly me the bad guy so others will feel sorry for her.
Yes, she has been in counseling. We took both her and her brother. Didn't seem to do either of them a darn bit of good. Because they don't want to change the behavior that has served them well all this time. It is what they know, and they don't know how to function unless they are blaming others for anything that happens. But I did tell dh that if he doesn't do something in the way of getting her to see someone pronto, then she has got to go!
Is dh willing to address the issues at hand or problems? Yes, and no. He knows she is always plotting and scheming and that I am the main target, but there is little he can do about it. We have tried just about everything. The counseling is our last ditch effort. But I have serious doubts it will do anything at all. She will probably just use it as something else that she is a victim to.
Does it affect the other children? Yes. She has been known to be really mean to my daughter, her little sister. Plus she is setting a terrible example with her behavior, which we try to nip in the bud if we see anything of the kind out of the 6 year old. But of course the turmoil between her and I effects the other kids because it stresses me out. I don't like living under such stress and feeling like I am a target for this girls hatred. The scary thing is, that she can mask it so well.
It took my mom forever to finally see what she was really like too. That was just recently too, as she started to be a real snot to my sister (she is mentally handicapped, age 19 but more like a 15 year old), and my sister would tell my mom. Then she could start to see the difference in how she acts around them and then when I and her dad are around.
I absolutely realize that 15 is a difficult age, I remember and have delt with many kids this age. But her behavior is definately out of the ordinary.
Oh, I should mention that she also has no friends. She says she does, but she doesn't. No one calls her, she doesn't call anyone, and she never does anything with anyone, ever.
She lies about everything. Even really stupid things.
She likes to take my things.
She has been involved with two different stealing incidents at school, but got out of both of them.
She is a top notch victim I tell ya. It was the other girls fault. She had no idea, etc etc.

The funny thing is, her dad and I have always been a united front, up until that blow up, and for some reason things went in every direction, and she is loving the conflict between us. What happened? I couldn't say for sure. He says that he was just stressed and blew up and it happened to be directed at me, even though he was angry with her. Well, he sees now what a HUGE mistake that was, because yes, she is using it to the hilt now. there is no way to stop her short of just telling her to pack her bags.
Which I wouldn't mind in the least.
If we give consequences, of any kind she uses it against us because she is the victim. She will spend every waking moment in her room just to have someone feel sorry for her. We would like for her to be out with the family even if it is just a short time, but that is something we want so it is something we don't get and if we make her, then again, she is the victim. We aren't letting her do anything she wants etc.
It is very sick sick game. One that I just quit playing into by not talking to her. i just ignore her completely. I do nothing for her anymore. I am spent. I can't exert any more energy into her, she is like a black hole. You get nothing back.

Even though this kid is at a "sensitive age" you have been involved with her since she was two so it's not like you got fed up with the behavior overnight. I'm sure this has been years and years of built up stress that has finally boiled to a head.

I disagree that bio parents arn't capable of getting sick of their own children. My mom has told me there were times during my teen years where she "couldn't stand to be around me"....hahahaha. She has also wished that I have three girls just like me, so on and so forth.

My husbands little girls (twin 5 year olds) live with us and he loves them dearly but there have been times when he was GLAD GLAD GLAD to see bed time roll around. Bio parents arn't saints with limitless amounts of patience....they get fed up too. If you ask any honest bio parent, which I have, they will tell you there are times when they would like to throttle their children. LOL! That's real life. There is no wrong in admitting it, in fact it is good to get the feelings out to someone and it probably makes you less likely to really throttle them:)

It's a shame that step parents sometimes are held to unrealistic standards as far as parenting goes. I have it easy in my case but I know there are tons of steps out there who feel like the load they are expected to carry with a smile on their face can be over whelming at times and if they complain at all they "knew what they were getting into". I find that unfair considering most biological parents have to vent about their own children sometimes to keep from stringing them up or going bald!

Wildthing, I think it's important to provide a few more specifics. Not only to us, but to yourself, your husband, your SD, and friends & family. What I'm hearing from your end is that SD doesn't like every single one of your parenting decisions (which makes her exactly like 99% of people, child and adult, regarding their parents), and that she complains about it to others (which makes her exactly like 99% of kids ---and many adults), and that she does so in a somewhat Drama Queen way (which makes her exactly like 99% of teenage girls ----and many adults). This complaining, in and of itself, is just something that has to be expected when you're in any kind of authority position over a teenager. Where I'm most interested in hearing specifics is about the LYING you mention. Because depending on what she actually says, it may or may not be an out-and-out LIE, it may just be an exaggeration, a distortion and/or a misunderstanding based on her limited teenage capacity to comprehend the larger adult perspective of why rules/consequences exist. For example, if she says "SM *NEVER* lets me go out anywhere", in teenage-speak that's not a malicious lie ---even though it is an exaggeration and not technically the truth--- it's a Drama Queen way of expressing a feeling of being trapped. Even adults have a tendency to speak in these sorts of generalites and to hone in on negatives so that a situation appears worse than it is. But on the other hand, if SD says: "SM made me eat dog poop", well obviously ---hopefully--- that is an out-and-out lie. The former example is normal, the latter example needs to be addressed in family counseling.

btw, Nicksmom--- what's a "come to Jesus talk"?

Serenity, I agree. Teenagers are like that. MY DD would tell you I am the worlds cheapest mom. Trust me, I have compared notes with other moms, and I am more than fair. We all laught it off.

When I read your post, wild thing, I thought maybe you lived at my house. You are fortunate that there has only been once that your husband disagreed with you in front of her. Since my stepson has turned 12,now 16, there may have been once that my husband agreed with and backed me up when it has come to his son.(no porn on our computer, no long distance calls w/out permission,no inappropriate tv if my daughter, 10, is present, if you want something, ask don't demand, things like that).
It's not enough that he doesn't agree (he has every right), but he has to let me know just how wrong I am in front of his son. ( By the way, the rules don't change just because he has a fit, they're the exact same next time he's here.)
My husband has told me that "any interaction I have with his son is sh***y." I don't feel that is the case, if that was the intention, they would both know. So I make a point not to make small talk, etc. For that I'm cold, what can you do in that situation?
I will not ever expect my husband to choose between his son and myself, I also hope that he never resents his son for expecting him to do that.
If the two of you are on the same team, sooner or later, when she can't get the reaction, she'll either stop, or have someone else to get it from.

I hope the OP is just venting and doesnt really mean the things she says.

Reading this, I get the feeling that the drama in that home is definitely two way. SD may try to get between Dad and SM, and may try to get sympathy and attention from outsiders, thats true. Thats also pretty normal behaviour for a girl who feels unloved and unwanted. Many, many preteen and teen kids, particulary daughters, play the sympathy card, and they do it very well. DOes that make them horrible people? Heck no. It means that they are unhappy and this is their way of dealing with that unhappiness. I can think of several other posters on the board who either have, or have had, a stepdaughter who looks for sympathy from others. The difference between them, and OP, is that they dont say they cant stand the kid. They dont threaten to send the kid away. They dont ( I think) call to complain about the SD to family and friends.

OP your entire post reads as a hate list, the way I read it. You have your own issues with drama, ie calling your friend, whom your SD babysits for, to b*tch about your SD. Then cutting your friend out of your life because she wont apologize to you for listening to your Sd. You seem to have drama issues of your own.

It is not terribly surprising to me that you and SD are having problems, since you seem to dislike her as much as she dislikes you.

YOu said "Just because kids are in a blended familly does not give them a huge exempt card for being responsible for their own choices and behavior. "

I agree. BUt its also important to remember that kids are KIDS, and you are a grown up. Dont expect kids, especially kids who know they arent wanted and are disliked, to act like grownups. Thats your job. ANd the fact that you cut off people for not doing what you want, says to me you arent acting quite as grown up as you think you are.

I think I am getting way too jaded for this board. It makes me sad, reading the original post. I have a lot more respect for some of the other posters, who, faced with this same situation, handle it in a much more compassionate and caring way, imo.

serenity,

A "come to Jesus talk" is a term I use (frequently!)... usually to indicate being called in on the carpet or a serious discussion. (ie., If he doesn't change his ways, we're gonna have a little come to Jesus talk.)

No religious meaning...well, not for me anyways. More of a "ya better watch out for Mom" meaning!

it could also be a different interpretation of the same event that is pretty common. such as saying Sm is yelling atme, when SM might be interpret as just talking loudly. maybe SD says things the way she ses them while SM might not see it the same way.

Thanks for the extra input. Doodleboo thank you.

I thank those that recognize that I have been these kids step mom for most of their life. Sd was 2 when I met her. Yes, I have loved her. I probably still do on some level, but it is lost in all the turmoil, and I can not find it at this time.
I know very well that 15 is a difficult age, the teen years are. I know that. Spent time working with many families and their teenage children. I am no stranger.

I am not a heartless person. I am so tired of being grouped into "one of those step moms" because I don't like the way my sd treats me.

I can not explain the behavior to others, I just know that when those who have been through it like I have read it, they know exactly what I am talking about. You can't explain it to anyone, it is just something that you have to live with on a daily basis, that most other people never see. It is manipulation beyond normal. It is lying beyond normal. All just for their own satisfaction.

I have loved her, I have cried many tears over my step kids, and I have put so much faith, devotion, and love in to them to try and help them. but I could never be thier mom. That was what they always needed. I have no problem just being whatever it is that I can be for them, but for them it was always the fact that I could never be their mom. I know that doesn't make sense to most of you. But I know that some know exactly what I am talking about.

I absolutely have times when I can not stand my own children. I mean come on, I have a one year old, a six year old, and a nearly 15 year old son. It doesn't get any 'crazier' than that.

When you meet adults who have major problems and issues, who can not function properly around others or do so innapropriatly, do you think that they just got that way as adults? No, they were that way as kids and teens too. My step kids are turning out to be that way. My step son already is that way. He is 18 and he is so dysfunctional as a young adult it isn't funny. He can not maintain any kind of a relationship. Sd is heading down that same path. She started on it later than he did.

"I mean come on, I have a one year old, a six year old, and a nearly 15 year old son. It doesn't get any 'crazier' than that."

OOOOOHHHHHH,but it does! Mine are 5 and 21!!!! Now, THAT is crazy!!! Thank God for stepkids who add to the mix...mine are 15 & 18, and "break up" the vastness of years between my biokids!

Hey nicksmom, that age gap is crazy!! lol
But I wasn't really referring to the differences so much as the stage that each one is at. It gets insanely chaotic around here at times lol.

Oh, yeah...with those different ages, so come the stages. My stepkids are 15 & 18, so we get to throw a little teenage angst into the mix every once in a while, too! I'm gettin' too old for all this craziness! And only 13 more years until the baby is off to college....OMG!