What about a parent welcoming a child into his house? Above rules assume parent wants to be parent and SM isnt getting in the way.

Collen says the new mom must come first? When SM feels that way what rule is mom supposed to look to?

I didn't write the rules...

The new mom doesn't come first, the marriage does. Whether it's the marriage of mom & dad or any subsequent marriage. When there is a marriage and kids are put first, it can destroy the marriage. A strong family's foundation is the marriage. Kids may try to divide and conquer their parents (or parent & step parent) but when the parents present a united front, they stand strong.

These rules are intended for bio parents of children. You can't control if the other parent will or won't do these things but I guess it's assumed that both parents love their children and want the best for them. This isn't about the step parent or new BF/GF. I take rule #2 to include the other parent's BF/GF or step parent. It's about putting your child first, not YOUR agenda.

If you don't like SM or the new GF, then you send your child off to have a good time at dads. Don't worry if the woman in his life wants the kids there or not. They are going to be there to see dad. If she isn't good or nice to the kids, it's Dad's responsibility to handle it. You may or may not know what you would do if you met a man, fell in love and he made you the happiest that you've ever been, but he "preferred" that your daughter go live with dad so he could spend all his time with you. Some parents would send the child to the other parent, some parents would kick him to the curb and not look back. It's up to him if he wants to have a girlfriend that feels that way about his daughter and perhaps if his daughter spent time around her, they might like each other... Could that be something YOU are afraid of?

LOL, that isn't at all what I said Kenny. Read again, I said that spouses should come first to each other if the marriage is going to provide the warmth and security that children need to thrive and grow. Mother is still mother and will always be mother.

Imamommy,

No I am not afraid of my DD liking this woman. Neither does TOS.

I think relationship to spouse and to children are diffferent.

But, so if SM doesnt want kids around, she comes first, and thats it? Is that what your rules say?

No, the marriage doesn't come first. In intact families, the FAMILY comes first. Normally, both parents put their children's needs before their own, and always focus on what is best for the children in the long run (which is not necessarily what is best in the short run, and is not necessarily what the children want at the moment).

In remarriages, what constitutes the family is often not clear.

I have several issues with the "rules" above - but I will focus on the money one right now. It is irresponsible not to talk to your children about money. The reason so many young adults can't handle money and end up with huge credit card bills while still in college is often because their parents did not involve them in discussions of what it takes to run a household.

Nowhere does is say SM comes first...

and if normally, parents put their children's needs before their own, perhaps that is why there are so many divorces. HMMM.... The marriage usually happens before the children arrive and last long after the children leave the nest in families that STAY intact.

They aren't MY rules... They were printed in a book:

Cooperative Parenting and Divorce
"Shielding your child from conflict"

A parent's Guide to Effective Co-Parenting

by: Susan Blyth Boyan, M.Ed., L.M.F.T.
and Ann Marie Termini, M.S., L.P.C.

I guess you can interpret them how you'd like. The one about money, well my interpretation is that telling your child they can't go to camp because daddy didn't send the support or we live like paupers while daddy lives like a king because he doesn't pay enough, that's putting your child in the middle. It makes them feel sorry for you and maybe feel angry at daddy.

If you want to teach your child the value of a dollar by giving an allowance and having them save up for purchases they want, fine. That's not what I think the authors are saying. It's about making the child feel negatively about everything.

My DD is old to know these things on her own. She sees Dad lives like a king. She sees Dads GF doesnt work. TOS, it is good you explain college financing to them. That they dont qualify because Dad/SM have money, even if they wont spend on them. Not intuitively obvious.

My son doesn't qualify for college aid because of MY income. He got a JOB and working his own way through college. Or should I find someone else to blame..... Are you kidding... Is everything the fault of someone else?

After my parent's divorced, Dad worked hard, mom sat around feeling sorry for herself and blaming dad. so maybe your whining strikes a nerve with me. Today, twenty five years later, my dad lives a comfortable life (he's been remarried for 20+ years) and mom lives in a single wide alone. Keep letting the bitterness eat you up and I feel sorry for you. Your daughter is going to move on and you are still going to be angry unless you deal with it.

Imamommy, I realize you are a saint, along with most of the SMs here. Thanks for reminding us. I do work hard and make a good living. But that is no reason not to make certain that DD gets what she should for Dad (and please oh no one is entitled to anything -- except for wife who must come first).

LMFAO kenny. You are just purposely misinterpreting what was really said to make the (step)mother look like a greedy, money grubbing, evil person. Truth is most (step)mothers care a great deal for their stepchildren if the biomom isn't so busy seething with anger and jealousy that she won't permit it.

I think there have been a number of posts by SMs or FSMs who dont like children because they are a reminder of the first wife.

I dont know why you do the (step)mother instead of stepmother. I dont know why anyone should resent the word stepmother. It is just a description of a relationship.

Yes, and you purposely took them 100% at what they said because it supports your view of life.

There you go making assumptions again. Are you a stepmother kkny?

No I am not a stepmother. And yes, if a stepmother says she doesnt like children becuase they a reminder of a first wife, I assume she is being honest. I think it is more likely that others feel that way but dont want to admit it, but I see no reason not to believe the people that say that.

yes, I must be a saint because my SD's mom doesn't pay a penny in support and I pay for everything she needs, including gifts for her mom throughout the year. If doing the right thing for a child and refusing to lower myself to the level of including a child in the conflict and problems of the adults is being a saint, then I'll wear that title PROUDLY.

I have never gotten support for my kids and never once told them life is harder because he doesn't pay. I hopefully taught them to be hard workers and not expect anything to just be given to them. My dad instilled his work ethic in me and hopefully, I passed it on to them. It would have been nice to get a check, but I didn't and I don't feel sorry for myself and whine about it. Life's too short.

Why is it YOUR job to make certain that DD get what she should from dad. It's the courts job to determine how much support she needs and if he isn't paying, then there are avenues to take. But just because his GF isn't working and you don't like his lifestyle, that's really not your business. If he pays, then he's doing what he should. Whining about it only makes you look like a bitter ex wife.

I make more than my husband now and when his daughter needs things, I buy it. I don't keep track. I don't tell him he owes me anything. Her mom is constantly telling me that I am not her mom, she is. She doesn't want her to like me or have a relationship with me. She's even admitted once that she was jealous of me.

Why can't the mom's out there be happy if a step mom is kind and loving to their child. I am not trying to "win". I have my kids and I love them but am I supposed to treat my husband's child like less because she isn't "mine"? That's ridiculous.

If a step mom doesn't want her step kids around, it's usually because of the way they treat her and that usually comes from what the mom is saying at her house. I'm not saying that there is never a woman that gets together with a guy and wants nothing to do with his kids and the mom is not behind it. That's up to a guy to decide if he wants to be with someone that isn't interested in being around his kids. Then he's choosing a woman over his kids. But if you (KKNY) try to convince me that is the case with your husbands GF, then I probably wouldn't believe it because your attitude in a lot of your posts are seething with anger and jealousy... and I'm sure your DD has picked up on that.

it's understandable if the ex wife is bitter or angry and the child reminds them of the ex. Is that your DD's problem with hers?

Ima,

I am sincerely glad you are good to the kids, but there are postings here from SMs who dont like kids becuase they are reminders of a first marriage. I didnt make up those posts. They had nothing to say about how the kids treated her.

Every situation is different.

THAT WANT TO HAVE A TOOL THAT CAN BE USED TO RESOLVE SOME OF THE CONFLICTS.

I hope it helps someone out there the way it helped me and my husband. It takes two to keep the conflict going.

If you did a search on previous posts from several months ago, you would find a long discussion of the college and school financing issue. It is NOT right for a child to not qualify for financial aid because of a NCP's income, yet the NCP does not contribute to college. Even worse is when the NCP refuses to complete the paperwork necessary for the school to compute how much financial aid the child qualifies for, even when the school makes it clear that filling out the paperwork does not obligate him to pay. Without the paperwork, the child is automatically disqualified from aid - any kind of aid, including merit based.

You don't put your child's needs above those of the parents??? If there were not enough food to eat, you would let him go hungry so you and the father could eat? If you were all sick with the flu, you would stay in bed and not bring him orange juice? All good parents put their child's needs above their own, and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who did not put the child's needs first.

Was it ever said anywhere that if there were not enough food to eat, you would let the children go hungry? I have never seen such a convoluted twist of what was actually said in my life. What was said is that as long as there was a breath of life left in the parents, the children would not go hungry.

IF the noncustodial parent won't or can't come up with the money for college another way to do it will be found. You leave no rock unturned until you find a solution. You just seem to stop at the ex and move no further.

THAT WANT TO HAVE A TOOL THAT CAN BE USED TO RESOLVE SOME OF THE CONFLICTS.

I hope it helps someone out there the way it helped me and my husband. It takes two to keep the conflict going. Good luck to those that don't want to end the conflict and I feel sorry for those kids.

I've given up and it's probably best to ignore their ignorance. They want to argue that they are right and they should look for a bitter ex wives forum.

They don't understand that putting the marriage first means that the parents stand united and do not allow the children to manipulate them into fighting over things, like letting them go to a friends house when their homework isn't done. In a nuclear family this happens. When parents divorce it happens and when parent's remarry, it happens and when the other parent butts in, it's an even more effective way to damage the new marriage, which may be the ex's goal anyways.

Colleen, if the NCP wont pay, many states will require. That is the logical answer. One thing if he legitimately has no funds (which is why him supporting suntanning GF is relevant) -- there is a difference between cant and wont. Of course some SMs and GFs would prefer mom just move along. Can be a source of conflict.

How is a child supposed to get through college without parental support (other than all the perfect SMs hear, and their own biokids, who apparently all get no-need scholarships)? In my state, it is 20K per year for public universities (in-state). Work cant do it all. Loans would be excessive.

Even if you assume that presenting a united front is a good thing, that is not the same thing as putting the marriage first. They are unrelated.

It is not possible for input relative to the children from one of the parents to be considered "butting in."

In CA, child support ends at 18. Parent's have no legal obligation to pay for college. The courts will enforce an agreement if one agrees to pay for college at the time the marital settlement agreement is made. Otherwise, they're on their own.

Ima, I think the rules above are for the main part very well written, and I believe I will share them with my SD and DH. I am able to see where some of them may differ from home to home and do not attempt to make this fit like a blanket over every situation. The main idea is such a simple one - be the adult, not the child. Act your age, not theirs. Do unto others. Threat your step children as you would want your children treated.

This does not mean every one abides by these rules. There are some step moms who treat their skids better that the bio mom does. There are some step moms who are horrendous, and some bio moms who are selfless.

There are a lot of step moms who are not even given a chance because others can't look past their own situation to the situations of others. They lump all 2nd wives/girl friends into the mold of their situation. This is as ridiculous as saying I don't like 'Sally' and 'Sally' has red hair, so I dislike all redheads.

So what I am saying, Colleen and Ima, is save your breath. We've all joined this board and tried to open the minds of TOS and KKNY and we have all failed. We've tried to make them see the damage they are doing and we've all failed. I've learned that occasionally they can make a worthwhile point, but I can't change them any more than I can change the bio mom in my life, and the defeat I feel from that is more than enough for this girl. The benefit to them is that all those things you want to say to *your* bio mom and can't when she twists your words to fit her ugliness you can say here. So appreciate them for the outlet they give and ignore the rest.

Martha out!

In my state, child support does not end until 23 or college graduation, if the child is a full-time student, and typically NCP's are expected to share in college expenses. This is true in a number of other states as well.

My mom used to tell me that there was a horses a$$ in every crowd and I see that she is right. The two of you completely ruin every good thread about dealing with conflicts in every day step parenting. It really makes me sick to see you stepping all over people and making them feel like dirt because you think that BM is always right and BM should always take priority in every situation. Uh no. Sorry. Feel free to wallow in your foul bile of resentment ladies. I don't even know why you're here other than to cause mayhem. You're not thinking about the children. You're thinking about your own clouded judgement and haze of hate. Congratulations on making yourselves feel better by causing people who are trying to think of the children confusion and doubt and more pain that is necessary in this already painful process. Thank you. Without women like you there probably wouldn't be divorce and we wouldn't have the problems we do. It's really no wonder you're the ex if you're like this. Everyone needs a little peace sometimes. I'd have divorced you too.

I guess I should never forget that only stepparents are allowed to resent - many posters have admitted they resent their stepchildren, resent the real mothers, even resent their own husbands for having dared to have had a life, a wife, and children before they met him.

Thanks for sharing these, Ima!
I'm pretty new to SPing (and brand new to this board) and am seeking constructive wisdom and to learn from other people's mistakes...
Even though my guy gets along well with his son's BM and they don't play many of those manipulative games, I think it's good for me to see that list!! Words of wisdom like that are exactly the sort of guidance I need at this point.