When I first started dating my husband, he took me to a friend's (child's) birthday party. His ex wasn't there but I felt like her ghost was. It was intimidating that she had been friends with all of his friends and that I would be compared to her. I'm not as outgoing or social as her, so I felt a little insecure about it. I didn't know what to say, it was awful.

It sounds like J's ex may have a problem with you. It could be that she's having a hard time seeing him with someone else, maybe she has concerns that she will lose friends (as sometimes friends take sides and stop talking to one), or that she feels those are "her" friends and would like you to feel like an outsider. It's hard to say unless you ask her.

There are going to be times when you will likely see each other at the child's activities, so it would be best to find out what the problem is now. Instead of saying "why don't you like me?" I would ask, "have I done something that upset you?" Let her know that you'd like to be on good terms and see if she accepts that. If she rejects the idea, then I would say "can't we at least be civil for the sake of your child?"

what's the need to hang out with your husband's Ex unless it is a child's party? if divorce took place recently, she might not be completely comfortable seeing her exhusband with another woman, especially keeping conversations with her. you weren't happy to be there either so why torture yourselves?

Maybe I should clarify my situation a little. J__ and BM were never married and they split up about six years ago. They get along fairly well and have some mutual friends. Birthday Boy is one of their mutual friends; he is also a friend of mine and has been for almost six years. I've known J__ for almost as long, but only been romantically involved with him for a bit less than a year. Birthday Boy is J__'s closest friend.
When I met BM at a New Year's party a few years ago, she and J__ were no longer together and she came along with him and his then-GF. I'm in no way TOW, nor is their breakup recent... but as J__ put it "it's not that she wants me back, she just doesn't always like to see me happy"

I was happy to be there! It was my friend's birthday and, apart from BM's rudeness, I had quite a nice time (even though I was nervous about meeting a few new people). I enjoyed seeing Birthday Boy and really hit it off with his GF. It was also nice to see my guy's brother in a social setting, and spend time with the couple people that I knew from other occasions. I said I was a little disappointed, not that it was torturous. Thanks though, for pointing out that she may not feel comfortable chatting with me - I hadn't really considered that, because I saw that she got along with the then-GF he brought to the New Year's party awhile back and everyone always says how talkative she is.

Ima, I agree that it should be dealt with before too much time passes, but IYO, should I wait until the next time I see her, to gauge her behavior before deciding if and how to talk to her about it - or deal with it right away before there's a chance for her to be rude again? Would you suggest speaking to her on my own or asking J__ to be there to mediate if need be? I'm not sure I'm comfortable calling her up for a "Have I done something to upset you?" coffee :)

I commend you for not being rude back to BM. It probably was a bit awkward for her to see you out in the social scene with her friends. I would give it another chance before approaching her about her behavior. It may be something she did not mean to do, or it may have been her own insecurities that made her behave that way.

A few years ago my ex's gf invited me to his suprise b-day, saying that since he and I were such good friends still that she knew he would want me there. I went and I think that it was a little uncomfortable for us both. We both had mutual friends there, and in no way did I want my ex back-but it is just hard to be too friendly to the person that is sleeping with your ex. I did try to go out of my way to be nice to her though. Overall I had a good time that night and was around them again in some social settings with mutual friends. Being friends with the same poeple your ex is friends with can be uncomfortable for all involved at times.

God luck and try not to get your feelings hurt!

I have never known exes who could socialize with each other - - let alone new SOs. IÂm sure it has happened  but it is not the norm. Think back to previous loves you may have had. Even if you broke up with him  it would be hard to socialize with his new love. Now add a child. It would be even harder. And, if you didnÂt do the breaking up  harder even stillÂ

I understand and respect your desire to get along, but my advice would be to drop the idea. I see no good coming from trying to talk to this woman  even less if J was mediating. My SDÂs mom causes lots of problems then complains to DH that we all need to "get along". She suggested that the 3 of us get together to air our differences. I said fine  as long as there is a licensed family therapist mediating. She has yet to agree to thisÂ

Just resign yourself to being cordial at social events where you both may be in attendance. That is all that is necessary.

Wow, mom2emall! This couldn't possibly have been better timed!
I'm beginning to plan a semi-surprise party for my guy (the kind where he knows we're going for a birthday drink with a few friends, but doesn't know the whole guest list)... I'm unsure if I should invite BM or not. I don't want to exclude her, but I'm not 100% sure he'd want her there, and don't know if it would be appropriate for me to invite her. I'm waiting for Birthday Boy's input on the matter.

I think I will wait a bit to see if the rudeness continues before I try to approach the situation... Maybe she was surprised or not feeling herself that night - everyone has rude days!

Thanks for the encouragement ladies!

personally, I would rather deal with it before she has another chance to be rude in a social setting.

My husbands ex (also never married to him) is the same way. They broke up almost seven years ago. She had an (out of town) boyfriend for about five years, but broke up with him about a month after we got married. Before he met me, they got together on certain holidays (4th of July or Halloween) to take their daughter. She always brought her "boyfriend" and if he had a girlfriend, he'd bring her. (personally, I thought it was strange, but if it works, then okay) After talking to my husband (then boyfriend), I figured out that his ex was being "chummy" to his girlfriends and pretty much sabotaging his relationships. He didn't even realize it was happening. He thought she had no problem with their break up and because she had a boyfriend, they could be friends still. From the beginning, I noticed little things like her asking him for favors but when he needed something, she always had an excuse why she couldn't. She was usually asking him to keep their daughter more and more and in a way, I think it was to scare me off. However I like kids so it didn't bother me at all. I got along well with their daughter. Everything began to come to a head after we got engaged. She began to call him EVERY week that their daughter went back to her house. She complained about the way my kids treated their daughter (who was then 6 or 7) and my kids are teenagers (16-17 at the time) and she complained about me a lot. She threw a fit because we didn't invite her to the wedding and once we were married, she dumped her long distance guy. Since we've been married (a little more than a year), she's had more boyfriends than I can count and moved away with the most recent one. She met him at the end of August and moved in with him the first week of September, giving us full custody of their daughter so she could be with him. She also left her other daughter behind with her grandma, where she was living before she moved. She called my husband a few weeks ago to tell him she's marrying this guy in December. She told him that he's going to be invited to the wedding. IMO, she hasn't gotten over him and she's still trying to get his attention or make him jealous. It's hard to say if she really wants him back or if it's about how she feels about her life. I know 25 years after my parents divorced, my mom still wonders if dad would take her back. She's made it clear she would go back if he lets her.

If J's ex has a problem with him being with someone else, I would steer clear of her and when you see her, just be cordial but not too friendly. I wish I had a better answer for you.

It sounds like you each showed what you were made of, and you're the one who came off looking classy. You were gracious not to stoop to her level, and if someone else even commented on her rudeness, you can bet she made herself look pretty bad. If any of your mutual friends bring it up, I'd just say something like "I imagine she was pretty uncomfortable having me there" -- which will make you look like a saint, and, if it gets back to her, give her an easy way to apologize without losing too much face.

I'd leave it alone for now too since I don't imagine any good would come of bringing it up. Unless there's something real you MAY have done to her, I'd chalk it up to her own insecurities. If you were to ask her about it, she'd probably lie -- either about some imaginary slight or lie that she's "totally OK with you" and you must have imagined it.

If your relationship with J grows, you'll have lots more chances to interract with her. Don't let it get too far before calling her on obvious slights, but I wouldn't try to be her friend either.

This seems too strange for me. I always had a very good friendly relationship with exhusband, had maybe on argument in our enire lives, always got along, regularly talk to each other. Neither one of us is jealous, but I don't see under what circumstances would we invite each other to our birthdays. Our child's yes, but no one else's. And why would I invite my SO's exW to his party I have no clue. This is beyond me. I have male friends but what you described here is different. Maybe because BM wasn't married to your guy and maybe weren't that serious at all... Otherwise they would probably be married.

And surprise party...i can just imagine my SO's face if his exW with her new boyfriend would walk in to his birthday party.

No, she was not feeling unwell, she just did not want to be at the party with a GF of her ex. And she certainly did not want to keep a friendly conversation. Her rudeness is somewhat understandable, she just did not want you there. Unless you are looking for trouble and drama stay away from this situation. Keep his ex out of your life, you never know where it could lead.

That happend to me before with One of my husband's ex girlfriends.She invited us to a party at her house,only to act like we didnt exsist and be completely rude to us while we were there.It was like she putting on a show or something in front of her family and friends.Needless to say,I have never,and will never let myself be put in that situation again.

I think you were the bigger person by not being rude back to her.However,if there is a next time,do not go out of your way to make conversation with her or say goodbye to her,or try to be nice to her.Just avoid her altogether at functions until she gets over herself and decides to treat you like a decent human being.
I was literally cringing when I read your post because that kind of behavior by BM is completely childish and immature that it's sickening.

Huge ditto to what Sweeby said. (as usual!)