New Stepmom to Toddler

17 years ago

Hi everyone!

Well, I'm not to sure what I want to ask specifically, so I apologize in advance for any rambling that may occur. My questions will run the gamut of "how to deal with his ex" and "what might I expect from my stepson over time?"

Alright, so I am a new stepmom to a toddler...his father and I have been married for almost a month now. I adore the little one, he's a good boy (for a 2 year old!!) and we have fun together. My problem is that his mother is extremely wicked and uncooperative/uncompromising in the amount of time DH gets to spend with their son. Against his better judgement, DH signed a custody agreement that wasn't particularly "fair" (I know, life's not fair) trusting his ex would keep her word that the visitation plan was based on "the bare minimum" and that he'd "get to see [him] plenty more than the order states!"

One of the biggest problems is she likes to imply that I'm a "homewrecker" (she hasn't so much as stated so, but I already know too well how this woman thinks)...ignoring the fact that SHE cheated on DH repeatedly which was the ultimate reason divorce proceedings went under way. So, she spends most of her time trying to blame her failed marriage on me. She repeatedly emails me saying we "need to be friends and get along" for the child's sake (we will not be friends, but I am adult enough to want to get along)...and then turns around and tells DH that "no, you can't pick him up for a couple of hours to play at your house because KCJ is there!"...obviously I'm going to be there, it's my house, too! I will point out that I do give DH and his son time to themselves, I know it's important for their relationship to bond without me around.

My biggest concern (and I know there isn't anything I can do) is that she is the type of person that probably does and will talk poorly about us in front of her child. We refrain from discussing her in front of him even if he is "too young to understand now," because we know bad habits are hard to break.

I've read a lot of posts here and else where discussing pre-teen/teenage stepchildren, but not much related to toddlers. Does anyone have any insight on the best ways to deal with the ex (or ex's out there that have advice for me on how to interact with his ex based on their previous experience?). I have a long road ahead of me and would really just like to hear about people's experiences pertaining to becoming a stepparent to a very young child.

On one hand I think him being so young might make it "easier" for us because my stepson never really knew his parents as officially living together (he was too young), and he won't remember a time without me around. But the bitterness between the two of them is still pretty fresh and I fear that will impact him as he gets a little older and is more able to pick up on little things. You can see some anxiety and confusion if for instance DH stops by there to drop off something and his son thinks that it's time to leave and go to Daddy's...when he's not allowed to leave with Daddy he gets upset. I really just would like to hear from/about instances in which a much younger child was involved and things that did/didn't work best in building your relationships. Thanks!!

Sort by:Oldest

Comment (1)

jerseystepmom
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You do indeed have a long road ahead :-)

First thing is that maybe you need to revisit the custody issue and have the order modified to be more fair. Then, all you can do it take care of the little boy and do what you know is right -- do not talk about her in front of him and try to balance what he lives/hears from her. You may even want to talk to a therapist about how to handle it. I have a 15 y/o stepson who lives with me full time. His mother is like your bio mom -- she talks bad about us, lies, doesn't keep her word to him, is unstable....and my husband picked up her slack for many years to shield the kids from who their mother really was. He has stopped doing that and it has been tremendously good for his health and well-being, but the kids are getting to know her for who she really is (and isn't). Our son's therapist said that the way you handle this is age appropriate -- so when he was younger, it was right to try to shield him, but now he (SS) has to learn how to deal with her, so we need to be more direct with him about things (non-judgmental, but reaffirm things for him such as "actions speak louder than words" and that he is right to feel hurt by what she did/said). Not sure what the right thing for a 2 y/o is, but I would be pretty sure it would be protect and love the child as best you can while always taking the higher ground. Now I say this knowing that it can be extraordinarily difficult at times! In fact, I'm usually able to . . . so when I have my little breakdowns it takes my husband by surprise!! So be gentle with yourself....you will go through all sorts of emotions. If you love your husband and you care about the child...focus on that. I tell myself that "God" brought me into their lives to help balance their lives and to show them that there is a better way to live....with stability, integrity and love. When I'm freaking out I remind myself that I'm on a mission....and in return for my work I get a wonderful husband and a chance to provide a child and alternative role model from an instable woman.

Good luck!
Related Discussions
New and needing advice from other stepmoms
Q
Comments (4)
I'm so sorry for all of your recent losses. Truly, the timing for your SC's arrival was horrible, and I wish their father would have put his foot down and simply said "No - This is not the right time." But that's old news... Sadly, it's not unusual for Bio parents to undermine their 'replacement' steps... And that's unlikely to change unless somehow, the BioMom can be made to realize that having two good mothers is SOOOOO much better for her children than having one "good" one (her, of course!) and one that they dislike and disrespect. But that can be a difficult understanding to reach, and it would be virtually impossible for you to help her reach it. Any chance your husband could help? Or your MIL? The book 'Divorce Poison' is a wonderful resource you should definitely look into. It's all about handling Ex's who undermine you in destructive and damaging ways. About how to 'take the high road' without 'lying down' and silently taking the abuse. For example, you know BioMom's mad about failed marriage #2, so in a way, her blaming you for failed marriage #1 makes sense. It's not fair or accurate, but I'm sure you can understand her feelings. Well guess what -- so can the SC. All you have to do is explain it to them kindly, truthfully and respectfully. Everyone says hurtful things they don't mean sometimes -- it's not unforgivable. Let them know that their mother is hurting, and that's why some of the things she's saying aren't true. That everyone makes mistakes and that our goal is to forgive them. (Bring God into it if that's relevent for you and for them.) I can understand your pain at how SD trashed all of the lovely things you bought her. But try not to let that hurt you. Instead, simply let her live with the trashed stuff, and know that she is the one sleeping under that stiff comforter and having to wear those bleached-out clothes to school. If she asks for more stuff, the most natural answer in the world is that you won't be buying any more nice stuff until she has demonstrated she is responsible enough to take care of it. You're probably right that they will be back. And your sense that its not right for the kids to ping-pong back and forth according to whoever offers the best deal of the moment is right on target. But when they do indicate that they want to come back, I'd insist on some ground rules. Chores for everyone, respectful treatment, allowances, responsabilities -- you know what to do. Let them see the expectations and buy into them before they move back. FWIW, you sound like a wonderful person and a really good parent, and I'm betting this is something you can and will work through. 15 years from now, those SCs will be so glad you're in their lives. May it happen much sooner --
...See More
New step-mom looking for feedback from women and men
Q
Comments (2)
Your responses to me in the posting "Baggage" has been helpful. I am the wife of the man who posted "Baggage". My biggest struggle right now is my husband forcing me (that is how it feels) to spend individual time with his son, while our marriage is in such turmoil. It seems like our marriage is conditional on me doing this. My husband and I have a daughter together and I have done things with them both, but he is only focused on my doing things with his son alone.
...See More
New to forum, stepmom forever
Q
Comments (2)
I understand that you felt that telling the GP's and SGP's about the Japan thing was o.k. because she had posted it on her myspace, I suppose I would have asked her first to make sure it was allright to spread the news. Sounds like SD is totally punishing with the grandbabies, and that's just selfish and unfair on her part. You have the right to be angry about it, but you also need to just let her get it out of her system, being a new mom again and dealing with the hormones. I wouldn't want to go to Vegas pregnant, either. Sounds like she was just EXPECTING to be brought along, not wanting to be left out. A bit spoiled? You're allowed to be angry, but don't continue to carry it because it's just not healthy for anyone. I can't give you much advice about SS. 24 is still very young, he's got a lot of growing up to do.
...See More
New Stepmom Losing It! Help!
Q
Comments (11)
gina, I agree with the general advice given here, being a new mom with an infant can be overwhelming. I also had miscarriages so the effort and attention that goes to the actual baby is major. This is a tough one because as others have said, your fiance probably does want to maximize the time he spends with his other kids during the week they stay with you. There really is nothing wrong with that, if fact it's good but you two need to make a way so you feel supported and included. Since you are an adult, and your baby is really a baby, he probably really does think that doing that is OK. He thinks "the baby doesn't miss me and she's an adult." Well, adults and infants need attention too! Talking to a counselor as suggested is always a good idea. Maybe the weeks his other kids stay with you. splurge or better still, have him splurge on a sitter so you can hang out with him and his other kids. Or do something for yourself including your nails, lunch with friends, the gym, the movies whatever. And sometimes plan something together with them all at home. Board and card games sound corny but they are fun and they help build closeness. The kids should be helped in accepting the baby boy as their little brother, that will stop so many problems down the road for all of you. Your fiance doesn't have to play Disneyland Dad when the older kids are around. Even though you have an infant, there is no reason why you, the baby, the older kids and DH can't do some things together. The baby won't know where he's being taken but strollers are accepted everywhere these days. Good for all involved to push it from time to time in public places. 9 and 10 are definitely old enough to get involved. Or not go places so you are all together. I'm not sure where your relationship is since you have had a baby by a man who is your "fiance" but it should be at a level where compromises can be made to fit everyone involved especially you, the baby and your hormones!
...See More

New Stepmom to Toddler

Comment (1)

jerseystepmom

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US