If the POA is unable to make decisions, and there was no alternate named, then the medical personnel will usually default to next-of-kin according to the laws of the state. That is usually the adult children (who will have to be in agreement.) Sometimes we see a POA who for some reason chooses not to be the decision maker (maybe due to their own health crisis, or being overseas for example) and gives written permission for someone else to take on the role (again, it would have to be someone who would be next in line just as if there were no POA) and the medical personnel will accept that. However,strictly legally, a POA cannot name someone else to be an alternate POA for someone; only the original grantor (your father in this case) can do that. If there are severe conflicts among the family over who will be the spokesperson, or decision maker, or the family can't agree, then it becomes necessary to go to court to have a guardian named. I am speaking from my experience as a critical care nurse, not as an legal expert.

For more than five years, I co-facilitated a support group for bereaved parents. From my experience there, the loss of a child was excrutiatingly painful for the parents, regardless of how old the child was at death. For Misty & hecallsmemom, the sentiments you have expressed here, echo what the parents in our group expressed. For them, the pain of the loss never lessened; they simply learned how to live with it. I heard someone say once in referencing the experience of a tragic event that sometimes things happen in our lives that are so traumatic we forever define ourselves in terms of "before" & "after." All the parents I worked with, who permitted me to share in their pain, expressed similar thoughts. Serenity, My father was 68 years old when he died suddenly of an MI. He was one of 8 children, his parents' oldest son. My father's youngest sister preceded him in death by about 10 years. She died of cancer. Their mother, my grandmother, was a very spry woman in her mid-90s when my dad passed so unexpectedly. Within 6 months she, too, was dead. My dad's brother, who was caring for my grandmother when she died, said in the days before she died, she began to mistakenly call him by my father's name. He was convinced she died of a broken heart, having suffered through burying her second child. I don't believe there is any difference.

wow, it's been forever since i popped back into this forum and i was reading through the threads and found this one that i posted 2 years ago. what a blast from the past! update on situation... in november of 2004 my ex contacted me (no surprise, he needed money). i sent him the money with the demand that i be allowed to contact my son and see him. it was difficult, but i made the decision that what has happened, happened, and i did not pursue any type of legal action on his disappearing with my son. nothing can bring back the time i lost with my boy, i figured all i could do was move forward from that point in time where we reestablished contact. i am happy to say that my son spent last summer with us, and again this past christmas. it hasn't all been easy, my older son wants nothing to do with his brother and refuses to be in the house when his brother is here (older son went out west to visit his father last summer while younger son was here, same at xmas time) i remember long ago during mediation the counselor used the term "polarized" regarding my boys, i didn't really understand what it meant at the time, but now i think i do. i'm hoping over time the boys will come together as brothers and that they can overcome the damage that their father has done to their relationship. it's almost summertime again, and i am looking so forward to having my now 15 year old son back in my home for a couple of months. his little sister adores him and she misses him terribly when he leaves to go back to his father. my son is not happy with his father, he has expressed a longing to come live with us (and since he is over the age of 14, in the state he lives in, he would be able to go into court and tell the judge which parent he wants to live with) , but the feud with his brother is getting in the way. i would love to find a way for these boys to get along and try to find some sort of neutral ground, and then i could put my family back together again completely. in the meantime though, i treasure every visit and phone call with my son and i thank god every day that my boy is back in my life. :) jiggreen

My BF tried the "you don't understand what it means to be a parent" line *once* ----- and never again. Just because someone has a child in NO way means that they automatically know how to parent and just because someone doesn't have kids doesn't mean that their insights into child raising are irrelevant. I find that to be a *huge* misconception among parents and non-parents. My BF had horrible parents himself whereas I came from a very stable "normal" (for lack of a better word) family. I was a nanny in college and have been the official and unofficial "auntie" to tens of kids. I *know* my input is valuable and rational and every bit as valid as his. That said - I do try to back up a lot of my suggestions with doing some extra reading/research on successful parenting. Yeah, I watch "supernanny" and read parenting magazines and forums like this. My mom has been a teacher her entire life so I often talk to her too. I try to approach my conversations with him from the perspective of "If I had my own kid" or "when we have kids I would like to do X". I try not to specifically attack the way he handles his own son, but put it in other terms. I got lucky and he has agreed to let me have basically full parental authority with his son and backs up in front of his son. Like everyone else said, the 10 year old is really just doing her job. She needs to explore boundaries and exert some independence as part of her own growth, but left unchecked, it makes family living harder and will teach her nothing about setting boundaries and self discipline. It's actually doing her a diservice to give in to her manipulations. I asked my BF to keep in mind the 'end result' he wants to see with his son - who does he want his son to be when he grows up? I told him to imgaine his son giving an acceptance speech for some mighty award - and what does he want his son to say about his dad in the speech ("I want to thank my dad for teaching me discipline, perserverence, hard work, value of a dollar, value of community service, etc, etc.). YES - it's totally cheesy, but common sense really says that no scholar ever stood up and said "I want to thank my dad for letting me get away with murder and giving me everything I've ever wanted without having to work for it" - those kids don't win awards, they end up in the unemployment lines... :)