I don't know if there's a book on earth that can help when someone like that enters your life. Because of the child, she will be a part of your life and living nightmares forever if you remain in this relationship. The only thing you can do is grow some thick skin ... I mean THICK. You can also resist the inclination to giving her what she is trying to achieve - getting you mad, destroying your relationship and lives. Maybe if she sees it isn't working, she'll settle down, but that's doubtful. If you respond to her insanity, she's achieved her goal and once she smells weakness - watch out. If you want out now and cannot take this behavior, what will you do when it escalates? When she uses the child to hurt you? Is she that type of person? This is just the tip of the iceberg. My brother has an ex wife like that. She will stop at nothing to make him miserable and doesn't care who else gets hurt in the process, (the children, the families, etc). We kept thinking she would settle down. Not her ... she is just gathering steam for the next assault. She has broken into his home , busted up his car, , witholds visitation and tries to make his life miserable on a weekly basis. Every week is somethng else. They are in court every few months for more $$ if he gets so much as a cost of living raise. He has a wonderful gf that is a saint, but she maintains her own home and will not marry until the last child is out of the nest. This has been going on for about 6 years now. Another 6 to go!!! Why they closed down the mental insitutions when there are so many candidates around is beyond me. Only you know how much you can handle emotionally. It will not get better than this when you are dealing with a psycho. Some women (even in modern America) have children thinking it will save relationship or get a guy to marry them. When it doesn't work out according to plans - they go haywire, using their poor innocent children as weapons. In our case, the crazy one was having an affair and she was found out - she filed for divorce. From the way she acts, you would think she was the innocent one that was betrayed. It is an ongoing nightmare. Some women handle this situation so beautifully that it is beyond my comprehension. Others cannot. Doesn't mean that you are bad or good - just that you do't want to live that way. I couldn't. Marriage in and of itself has its own stresses and daily pressures. I don't know how any relationship can survive with all that added grief. I really admire divorced couples that are still able to come together on a neutral level for the sake of the kids. There are such relationships. However, it takes 3 (sometimes 4 if the ex is married) very mature, strong people. If there's just one loose link - the chain is broken and everyone is tossed into hell (kids included).

I think you need to get over the fact that he had a significant other before you. People come with baggage whether you like it or not. If you leave him looking for a man that has never been in a relationship before, good luck, because you are in for a long search. Real life is not like "Leave It To Beaver". It sounds to me like you have an unrealistic ideal built up in your head about how a relationship with a man should be. If you want the good in life you must take the bad also.

Unless you really want to get into this sort of thing for love of the guy, or whatever reason, I'd say stay away. You're buying yourself trouble that most likely won't get better, ever.

Number one piece of advice if you decide to stay though: keep records of everything, every contact, etc. Keep a diary. Investigate legalities where you are about recording phone conversations. I *think* it's legal to record conversations if one party (ie yourself) knows about it, but I'm not sure. You may want to set up security cameras, depending on how wacky you think she might get.

This may all sound really paranoid, but my partner has a couple of guys in her past that are...silly at best, abusive stalkers at worst. If you're going to be in and out of court for the next 10, 15 years, prepare yourself.

If she's as you describe, be prepared to have to deal with second hand hatred coming from the child. What may happen is she'll start feeding the kid a line about how his dad abandoned them (I'm giving your SO the benefit of the doubt here), how all their woes are his fault, and how you are the sl*t of the world. Now, although I think a lot of the PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) theory is a bunch of hooey, or at least used as a defense by guys whose families really do have reason not to like them, it's fairly easy to get kids to parrot what adults say -- heck, it's hard to *keep* them from doing it. So, prepare yourself for two things -- abuse from the kid when he comes to visit, and the BM suing to curtail visitation because the child says 'daddy scares me' or some such.

It might not happen that way. But prepare yourself for it.

My partner's ex is vindictive as well, but we had two things on our side -- geographical distance (about 8,000 miles) and he's a bit dim, so we could afford to be nice (which looks good in court) and be reasonably assured that he'd shoot himself in the foot with unwarrantedly nasty or silly behavior (like refusing to provide the child's medical records when we requested them). If you think it'll work, provide the ex with lots or rope with which to hang herself in court. This has it's own risks, though -- a friend of the family had his kid stolen from him because of his too-lax attitude toward the mother's visitation.

> I am not dealing very well with just the thought that he had another significant person before me and i constantly compare myself to her.

Well, this is something you *can* control, have to control even -- otherwise, you're going to go down the same silly-behavior path that his ex choose, or else you'll add to your current probs with her -- "stir the brew". You can't erase unpalatable parts of somebody's past like life was a big chalkboard. Ask yourself this -- who are you going to find that *doesn't* have a history? We're the all of us damaged goods, outside of fairy tales.

Like Rosie said, the best of all worlds, particularly for the child, is when all the adults involved see raising the child as the goal -- but if somebody decides to play silly bugger, it louses everything up.

I see you having a couple of things to concentrate on: 1) stay/not stay; 2) legal protection/evidence gathering for future court dates; 3) develop a long-term social engineering strategem for turning the ex less silly without her knowing it. The second you can talk to lawyers about; the third point you'd prob NOT want to talk to a lawyer about. The first point is all you...and your statement I quoted implies to me that you might not be ready to take this much heat. Dunno -- I tend to read things into...er....other things. :)

I don't really have any suggestions b'cause I write on here for the exact same reasons as you. My BF ex is so hateful and conniving. However, in my research I have found many websites. One that I like is called the secondwivesclub.com
My mother preaches to me to be the 'bigger person', which is really hard for me sometimes, but you know what I have found by reading articles like these? No matter how bad you think your situation is, there's always someone who can top yours. I really understand how you feel. I am so jealous of my BF ex and I CONSTANTLY compare myself to her. It's driving me and my BF crazy. You (and me) either have to accept that there is a past or move on. I know it sounds easier than it actually is. They would not be with us if they didn't love US!!! I know his ex is beautiful and she had his heart first, but sometimes God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be greatfull...

Here are questions I asked myself when I met my DH.
Do they both have the kids best insterset at heart?
When money gets tight can I handle, without resentment, money going to the ex for CS?
Can I handle being put last sometimes?
Can I handle the ex being part of my life?
I love my DH and his kids. His ex does have the kids best interest at heart, and there are rarely disagreements. But they do happen. She is not a witch, they are two that should have never gotten married. Even though the three of us have a civil relationship, sometimes there are difficulties. I wish you luck.

I think you need to decide if you really truly love him. If this guy is the one you truly love and want to be with...you'll get through all the rest of it and be fine. You'll find a way to live through all the complications and bad times and enjoy the good. If you can't handle things and the problems make you hate this man, then leave. It isn't going to get better and most likely will stay this way or get worse. Just watch your back and protect yourself. Honestly you just need to decide if you love the man enough to be there and help him through all the rough times no matter what.

Why bring chaos into your life? This woman will be in your life forever if you marry this man. Remember, you can't change her so this is what you have to look forward to. Get out of this relationship or you will be posting on this forum in a few years about the problems you are having with the situation.

I agree with Blueheron. Why bring the madness into your life. Although, I must say you need to deal with issues of your own. I don't believe you will find a good man that hasn't had a past. If you do,you may need to ask why?
I love my husband very much. I met him when I was 17years old and he was the first love of my life. Our lives took different paths and we married other people. Througout the years we occasionally kept in contact, whether is was a letter or a phone call. It was just friendly in nature nothing more. I always carried the love we shared in my heart and knew no matter what I experienced in my life there was goodness in the world. Many years later, he contacted me and told me that he was going through a divorce. I had been divorced for 11 years and had a very civil relationship with my ex-husband. We always did, and still do act, in the best interest of our children. Well, that was not the case for him. He and his exwife have always been at odds and that is putting it nicely. His 3 children live with us on a fulltime basis. Some days are pure torture, and other days are just bearable. There is not a time when we have to deal with her, that she doesn't create an issue. We have spent THOUSAND AND THOUSANDS of dollars on isolating ourselves from her evilness.There is only so much that can be done. Do I ever hate my life? YES. Do I ever regret getting involved in this situation? Yes. Do I ever feel resentment? You bet! I never had any of these experiences with my own ex and I live them EVERYDAY with my husband's ex. Believe me, I did not go into this situation blindly. There was even a time when I took a break from the relationship because there were so many issues with the ex and with the kids. They all are in counseling and are in desperate need of psychological help. At times, I do not like my step-children and that comes from the situation. I do not like myself for having these feelings.
I do love my husband very much. Sometimes love is not enough. My husband won't have a child with me because his 3 are so screwed up,and the ex is nothing but trouble. Our marriage and life does not get the attention it deserves or needs,and that makes me very sad. I have stories and could go on forever, and so will the chaos in my life. The rewards are few. I counted on my love and my faith to allow this life to survive. I am barely hanging on. Most days, I ask myself, this is what I waited 22years to have. My love for this man lasted that long and after 2years of being married to him and living in his world, I can't remember what it feels like.
I was a single mom for 11 years. I did not have an easy life, but it was paradise compared to what I have now.
My advice to you and other women in your situation. Don't do it. Now, there are always exceptions of the rule, but they are few and far between. Somewhere, I read that exwife was short for extra wife. It's true, she is in our life everyday on some level. You will end up not liking yourself for the feelings you will have. It is normal to have them, you are a human being. You then feel guilt for them, resentment for all involved and you are expected to survive on a good day every now and then.
Save yourself alot of endless grief and get out of the relationship. You deserve to be happy in life, not miserable in other's bad choices.
I am sorry if I have insulted anyone with my words, but this is my life and I deserve more than I am getting. I do alot for my husband and his 3 children, I also have 2 children of my own, that sometimes get overlooked because we are so busy dealing with issues.
Good luck and God bless you.