Hi Jerseystepmom, I can relate to how you feel. I went through the exact same type of thing a couple years ago with my adult 22 year old sd and 18 year old ss. It was upsetting and I hated having my things stolen and the disrepsect. At least it sounds like your DH believes you about the stealing. My DH would often say whats the big deal? Just let them take you things or the stepkids did not take your things. It was frustrating. I did get to the point either I was moving out or moving away by myself. DH did move with me, it was his choice. Things have been better since the adult kids are not living with us. The adult stepkids still attempt to make our marriage stressful, but it is more difficult for them because they are not right there.
I do not believe it would be a good idea to NOT to invite your 19 year old sd to Christmas. Remember this is your DH daughter (flesh and blood). It will probably make her more resentful. I always felt I would take the high road and treat my stepkids like I wanted to be treated even when they did not do the same. However, I did stop going out of my way for them. I just treat them nice when their around. I know last Christmas sd came to our small family celebration and made a fool of herself. She became upset when she tried to put down marriage and her dad and I did not agree. She blew up and ran down stairs crying. She acted like one spoiled 2 year old. I was embarrassed for her. The ss also continues to cause pain and stress. It has been a struggle and I just take it day by day. I hope that as they mature they will ease up on me, our marriage and be nice. best of luck

Sorry... While I can certainly empathize, I also can't see that it would be the high road, and it would lead to a further strain in the relationship. (Does your husband feel the same way?)

Whats wrong with her spending Christmas with her mom for one year? Not a thing. Maybe its time she did.I would not invite her. Have a great Christmas.

Thanks for the feedback. My husband hasn't said anything regarding my proposal yet (we will discuss it tonight when we have some time to really talk it through). I guess I feel like I'm tired of taking the high road and tired of getting sucked in to her dysfunction and manipulation and games. I told my husband, instead of telling her, yet again, "the ball is in your court" in terms of reaching out for a meaningful relationship, maybe it's time to say "I now need some time and distance from this and I think you need to take time and space and careful think about your behavior over the last couple of years." As for the stealing and lying.....my husband had a discussion with her when I first told him she took my necklace.....he then came to me and said "she did not take it, I could see it in her eyes, she was crying and upset that you would think this -- she is not lying to me." Then I went to talk with her about it and why I think she took it....my wonderful husband decided to go out to her car to look around just to make sure it wasn't there and low and behold....there was my necklace! Her response "oh THAT necklace!" He told her to stop lying and how he could not believe how convincing she was when she was lying. Ever since then he understands that she just lies and lies more to cover the lies. I do have his full support....though I'm not sure he is yet ready to tell her to stay away. I'll update you all over the weekend....if he doesn't not want to do this, I may do it on my own -- go to my sister's house alone (though I don't want to punish him and not get to spend Christmas with him -- plus he loves Christmas with my family!). By the way, 2 years ago when the kids went to Christmas with us at my sister's house, the SD went back to her mom telling her it "was the worst Christmas ever!" (despite the pictures and video of her singing Christmas carols, etc.!!)I guess I'm also still stinging from that -- my entire family trying to include her and make her feel at home, only for her to turn around and bad mouth us! Did I mention our family BBQ where she stole my niece's sunglasses?!!! She makes a mockery of my loving family.....

Update: my husband is in agreement that we tell her to take some time and think about things.....and that she should stay with her mother for Christmas.

I can only imagine what is going to come from biomom on this one! We are the most selfish, cruel people and she won't be able to believe how mean we are to her daugther (of course, while secretly jumping for joy that she has her daughter all to herself for the holidays!!).

Even with all that has happened, i would not exclude her but since she has done all those things, its not really about christmas and parties. She has to think about what she has done. The lying, the stealing and i dont believe that any holiday shall excuse her behaviour.
i would not tell her outright. Let her father this year tell her to spend christmas with her mom, since last year she was with you guys and reflect on all the things she has done in the past few months. That's all. You dont have to inform her you guys are having christmas at your sisters.
But i'm glad your husband and you are in agreement. And to be honest i think both parents should share holidays with their kids. My husband has his kids for half the christmas holidays. The kids should see both parents along with their families.