SD is living a grand life. Unless she has reason to, she is not going to make changes. Do not delude yourself in thinking you could provide a compelling reason for her to seize upon. That could happen if you are lucky. Nonetheless I would not recommend wasting energy on this situation.

The real problem you will have to acknowledge, and I am sorry to point this out, is your wife. She is not setting boundaries with her daughter, and she does not see a need to put your marriage first. That doesnÂt mean she is heartless, mind you. Just thoughtless and inconsiderate as a result. She will have to be the one to make changes.

I hope you were joking about the baby bottle. People remember mean tricks better than they do kind acts.

yes, I was not serious about the baby bottle (but I have thought about it and thought it was hilarious, and appropriate).

So, there's basically nothing I can do? I cannot change the situation, I cannot change my wife without causing more disharmony.

Truthfully, I feel so neglected lately b/c my wife spends so much energy on her daughter and her work, that there's nothing left for me. Maybe I should just end it if there's no hope.

I know this is a step-family forum, but let me ask what you think about this... Our anniversary was Nov 6th. Lately I've been killing myself working 6 days/week for the overtime (making tons of money). My wife works but has two days off (Wednesday she spends the entire day running around town with her daughter). Even though I worked so much, I was able to, ahead of time, order flowers to be delivered to my wife, order two sets of gifts over the internet and have them shipped to my home, and make reservations at a nice restaraunt. She got me a nice card....

I agree with Quiet One -- this is about your wife, not her daughter. I would suggest counseling for you both because she may only be able to hear the truth about her daughter (and what SHE has done to her) from someone else.

Nothing you can do will change your SD -- her bio parents have created a monster and now they have to reel her in (which will not be easy or fun......)

Your wife needs to understand that if she doesn't make you a priority, she could lose you (because it won't be long before your resentment is really up and you ask yourself "why am I here?"!

Good luck......

Sadly I agree, your wife has issues letting her 'baby' grow up. Unless she is willing to cut the purse strings it puts you in a bind. Nevertheless, I would still initiate the 'its time she got her own place' discussion, if she's in college, she can stay at the dorms at the very least.

Your wife needs to realize her daughter is 23! Which means she's been an 'adult' for going on 6 years! I don't know about you but at 23 I was graduated,married+kids,working full time and paying a mortgage...I can't imagine living off my parents halfway through my twenties...

OP, you have received good advice without needless prying for irrelevant details. Counseling is difficult, but it could help regain your marriage if the wife changes her parenting skills. I don't think you are being selfish at all in wanting to preserve your relationship.

I wanted to comment on your second post -

A card pales in comparison to your gifts, doesnÂt it? Sometimes in relationships it is not wise to keep score, which is easier said than done. My first thought was maybe the wife didnÂt think the anniversary is a big deal. Perhaps the card is indicative of how she feels about the relationship in its current stage. Or she is lousy at giving gifts. You should ask her how she feels about anniversaries in general. And/or gift exchanges on days like those.

You will have to decide how you want to ride out this problem. Some of us stay in the relationship for years, others decide to cut their losses early on. This problem can go in so many different ways at different levels depending on the parties involved.

I hope our responses help you decide what actions to take to benefit your relationship.

I would not make a big deal over the fact that she only got you a card, some people do not fuss over anniversarries or over gift giving too much. It is just how they are.

My parents or brother or gandparents never celebrated anniverssaries and yet stay in happy marriages, so this is not a big deal...

But! daughter's situation is awful, she must start working right now. Your wife has to make her go and get a job. What's the deal with her!

I dont think you're being selfish at all. Sieryn was right,at that age Step daughter should have some kind of life away from her mother...friends,a boyfriend,a career,SOMETHING!

I also agree that your wife is the one who needs to change here.
Tell her this Sunday you want to be alone with her.If she is afraid of telling her daughter No,then just go out.If she has a problem with it,this is where you have the perfect opening to discuss with her your feelings.That you feel neglected and that if something doesnt change you WANT OUT!
If your wife fails to take you seriously or doesnt listen,then she must not care very much about you.Otherwise she will be willing to find a better way of handling things so you all can be happy.

I think this is only part of the problem. My wife seems to yearn for her daughter. I think the separation anxiety goes both ways. I've heard my wife on the phone with her daughter bribing her with food (like, she needs any more) in order to entice her to come over. It is insane! I don't think the daughter wants to give up being nursed, and I don't think my wife wants to give up the "nursing". What is so sad is that she is nursing a 23-year old.

I think you should ask your wife to attend counseling with you. Hopefully you can gently raise issues and get counselor to tell your wife she is doing no favors to her DD in the long run. I think the most important thing is to try to get DD in some type of counseling and get her to get her college degree.

It sounds like a co-dependent relationship. My SD's mom does the same thing -- SHE needs the daughter to need her as much as she needs her daughter (though in our case, BM was told that she created a "reverse parenting" situation where SD was forced to take care of her mother). It is horribly unhealthy for the child (not to mention your marriage).

Well,it's her only child? Did the child ever have a medical problem? Was her father abusive or something? Did he leave them?

Just saying,in some situations it could happen that that the mother and child are closely bonded to each other for different reasons.
Maybe if your wife's first husband left or something they felt they had only each other? Maybe wife sees her as a friend and not just a child?
Perhaps she is afraid of being abandoned if she was already before.
Just grasping at straws here trying to think of why your wife would be like this.It definitely sounds co-dependant.

For me...the dog would have been the straw that broke the camel's. I will not live in a dog's toilet. I have been in homes where the smell almost knocks you down when they open the door. You need to think about how many years of your life you want to put into the marriage.

"It sounds like a co-dependent relationship. My SD's mom does the same thing -- SHE needs the daughter to need her as much as she needs her daughter (though in our case, BM was told that she created a "reverse parenting" situation where SD was forced to take care of her mother)."

Wow - there is actually a name for this. Scary to hear it is so common there has to be, but *nice* to know my SD's mom isn't the only one.

I agree that you should try to seek counseling with your wife; if she doesn't agree, try it on your own. It sounds like you want this marriage to work and your wife is afraid of losing one or both of you. As far as some people suggesting that some people "don't do anniversaries", what has she done in the past for your anniversary? You say that you've been married at least 3 yrs...were the other years like this past one? If so, then I would agree that she doesn't do anniversaries, if not, then I would have to think that something is going on with her. I shouldn't be one to preach, but you need to talk to her. The only day that you are alone together is Sunday, so go to a motel Saturday night together and do breakfast on Sunday morning--make a day of it without going home for her to get the phone call from the daughter or seeing the daughter.
Oh, and the comment about the "baby bottle" was priceless. At times, I wished I had thought about that!!
Good luck.....

Hi, I was just wondering have you spoken (demanded :) ) to your wife about at, the very minimum, having sundays for just you and her? I am in a new relationship and my daughter is only 7 and I make time to spend with my partner. It's really natural to want some quality time with your wife. It is also healthy for a child to be away from their parents occasionally, it help their development into their own. She should really require her daughter to grow-up. Said by a 25 year old who has been on her own since 18. She (your step-daughter) is blessed to have a supportive family, but she sounds as though she is taking advantage of this. I'm sure you have said this to your wife many times. Hopefully one day she will get that she is doing more harm than good to her relationship with you and also to her daughter.

Good Luck to you: I wish your family the best.

Thanks for all of the advice (support). You know, when I originally posted this, I thought I was going to be reamed as "selfish" and trying to isolate my wife from her own daughter. (mostly, because that is what I get from my own wife if I try to bring up the subject). Unless I tread very lightly, I get a backlash. My wife seems to have to talk with her daughter at least by cell phone every SINGLE day. For example, when we got back from a dinner, she immediately got on the phone. I asked if she was calling her daughter. She looked at me and said, "Yes, do you have a problem with that?" (in a not very pleasant tone). I know that if I push, I know who the winners will be. If I make my wife choose between me or her family - I know I will be left out in the cold. I don't want it to come to that point, b/c it is a lose-lose situation. But I am getting tired of my wife putting first her own adult child, then her family, then her job, and then, finally, me. By the time she gets to me - there's not much left. I can't change her priorities, I know that. But I continue to try, try to treat her like I would like to be treated, hoping, that things would turn around. Trying to be the good, supportive husband. Give her freedom. But things with her daughter seem to be getting more and more co-dependent. The 3 times a week visits are becoming a routine. She even puts off things that need to be done around the home until she is not with her daughter - so she's usually busy when we finally have alone time. And don't get me wrong, I'm not into my wife has to be a maid... but I can only do so much by myself with my work schedule... For example, instead of doing laundry every Wednesday like she used to do when her SD was away at school, now she runs around town with her daughter all day Wednesday. Now, she does the laundry Sunday morning before her daughter comes over - which is basically our only possible quality time together.

This is why I need so desperately for her daughter to "get a life" of her own without needed to breast feed so often.