If you look at the statistics on teen sexuality and teenage behavior, sadly, it appears that she is a normal teenager. Many, many teenagers ( even the "good" ones) , are dishonest with their parents during this season of their lives, as they experiment with adult behaviors and fitting in with their peers, and doing things that they know that their parents would flip out over. ( sexuality, and/or drinking and/or drugs). At 17, she is close to being an adult. Since you are aware that she is sexually active, I think that you should sit down with her and talk ( without anger) to her about why you wished that she had waited, and express to her the values that are important to you and your husband ( and why they matter)... that you want to pass on to her. Perhaps you can take her to a doctor and have her put on birth control so that you and your husband do not have to raise a child she may have. Explain that this does not mean that you approve of her choices, but that you are realistic enough to understand the reality of what her choices may bring, for her, as well as you and your husband. Can you understand that (sadly)sexuality is so much a part of our culture, that the message she gets everywhere ( accept at home) is that this behavior is encouraged. Remember, that you are in the "very tough" years, and many changes will take place for her as she grows up and becomes an adult, and that many, many families are struggling with these same issues who have not been "lax" but have run a very tight ship. One point that i think is "very important" for her to understand are the photographs...and here is why. Years from now, these same photographs could come back to haunt her, or limit her future in some way. Perhaps she will grow up to become someone well known, or married to someone well known. Does she want to find those photos "re-surfacing" years from now, and is she aware of the harm they could do to her? an old boyfriend could post them on the web in some way. with how savvy technology has become, she should be soooo wary of letting "anyone" photgraph her in this way. Open the way for communication with her, not as her enemy, but as a parent trying to guide her through to adulthood, and helping her to become a person that even she will be proud of. May she one day become a blessing to you.

I'm not sure about the blessing part, but the advice about the photos is right on target. Maybe if I focus on the potential damage to her instead of my own wretched feelings about the herpes and the slutty posing, she and I will be able to talk.

Thank you again, bnicebkind. I don't think I was meant to be a stepmother, but I might just survive it.

I'm sorry, I don't want to make what is already a very dificult situation worse.. BUT - Those pictures would be considered child porn in most states. I would not have them in my house AND whomever took them could be prosecuted for production, possession and perhaps even distribution of child porn. It does not matter how old she is now, whe was 16 when they were taken.
It is quite possible that those images are already on the internet. Probably not associated with her name, but still, it is her image. I agree with the above poster: these things could come back to haunt her. While she cannot make these go away, she can make a better decision in the future.
I feel for you. Her Daddy is not doing her any favors and I'd find the situation maddening. Have you considered sitting down with your husband with an objective third party? I ask because, relating to this girl seems less likely than forming a united front with your husband.

Absolutely. In fact, I spoke to one of the commissioners in the county in which the pictures were presumably taken (I've never been in the ex-boyfriend's bedroom, so I can't say for sure). Inducing/permitting a minor to pose for such pictures is a felony, punishable by up to $25K in fines and 10 years in the slammer. This is serious stuff.

At the same time, I don't feel that persuing a prosecution of the boyfriend is a decision that I can make unilaterally. This really isn't a Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf scenario. The kid is far too savvy to have been lulled into the photo shoot. I'd wager that she was quite enthusiastic about it, maybe even came up with the idea. Considering this, I have trouble superimposing the victim/criminal model onto this situation, even though the 4-5 year difference in their ages might warrant it with respect to the law.

I was ready to take the photos and the boyfriend's tag# (I don't even know his last name) to the state police, but I felt that I needed to let my husband make The Big Decision. The potential consequences to the boyfriend's life are, after all, enormous. Plus, there are potential repercussions to the kid as well (feedback at school and such).

The husband is opting to involve our minister as an objective third party. He believes that a professional counselor would be obligated to report the photo shoot to the authorities as they do all allegations or hints of child abuse. I recognize that I am too tied in emotionally to be objective myself. I've been painted into the wicked stepmother role and find myself pulled between the impulse to protect the kid from the consequences of stupid moves and a temptation to shove her nose into the muck of it and scream "See what a stinking mess you can get yourself into by being so dang stubborn?".

In any case, the three or four of us need to face this down SOON. I have preserved copies of the photos as recommended by the county commissioner (possible evidence). Possession of the photos seems not to be a crime because the kid was 16. Pre-16 seems to fall into some altogether different category. The crime in this case seems to relate only to inducing/permitting a minor to pose for sexually provocative photos.

Disclaimer: I'm no lawyer, so I'm struggling with the fuzzy edges of legal interpretation.

Perhaps since you know that she was a very willing participant and far from innocent, ( and therefor imagine that this young guy were your son, and his whole future is ahead of him ) that perhaps you may NOT want to take legal action on this, and ruin any future he may have. Perhaps though, you want to make a point to both of them. Maybe you get together with the boy and his parents, you and your husband and your daughter, a minister, AND a lawyer to explain what COULD happen due to their poor judgement and her age, and make a strong point ( with humiliation ) on the legal direction this COULD have gone. In this way, a strong point is made which they will both hopefully learn from, they are mortified ( but far, far less than if this went public) and this boys life is not ruined.

The appropriateness of legal action, in my mind, depends on factors that I cannot determine -- like whether the boyfriend takes provocative pictures of every high school girl he dates and whether he posts them on the web, shares or sells them. While I doubt that I can involve the guy's parents (he's 20+ and living on his own), it may be possible to confront him to make a point. And, yes, I imagine that exposing these activities might make them both stop and think, regardless of how "cool" each of them thinks themselves -- if only for the next 11 months (in her case). Sigh!

I agree bugfarm, if he takes pictures of every high school girl he dates, or whether he posts them on the web, shares them or sells them are HUGH factors, and this would prob. be the deciding factor for me too, as a mom.

Thanks for the commiseration, bnicebkind and gardenspice. It's really nice to be able to share my concerns with such level-headed, thoughtful people as yourselves.

"He believes that a professional counselor would be obligated to report the photo shoot to the authorities as they do all allegations or hints of child abuse"

As would a minister, in some states!

The guy is a sleaze, and whether she was willing or not, he's sleeping with JAILBAIT. He's stupid for doing so.

Yes, you may well be correct about the minister. But the jailbait issue seems to depend on the relative ages of the participants -- at least in some states. If the difference in the ages of the sexual partners is less than four years, it's not a crime. If it's four years or more, it's statutory rape. Seems a bit arbitrary, but maybe that's better than turning an 18 year old into a felon for copulating with a 17.5 year old.

In my kid's case, I suspect the boyfriend is actually 4+ years older, but I really don't know. My stepdaughter has never been particularly truthful and knows the "rule" about the age differences (thanks to some tutoring from a woman at church), so she'd have been inclined to tell her parents that a 22 year old guy is only 20. It's hard to guess since he's been out of high school for X number of years.

As it turns out, the stepkid claims that modelling the provocative underwear was the boyfriend's birthday present! Her idea. Gee, how thoughtful. I'm still rather depressed about the whole thing, but parents really don't have that much control -- and stepparents even less. At some point, there's nothing to do but wish them well and hope that they won't make too many stupid mistakes before a sense of personal responsiblity sets in.

I've never been one to equate doing well in school with being well equipped to handle personal freedom. There's really not much of a connection there. This kid is almost a straight A student, albeit at a very lax high school. I don't think she's handled her freedom very well at all. By the time she graduates HS, she'll have had more partners than I've had in my entire life.

Sigh!

"This really isn't a Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf scenario. The kid is far too savvy to have been lulled into the photo shoot. I'd wager that she was quite enthusiastic about it, maybe even came up with the idea."

**************************

The speculation above may or may not be true. However, the very reason there are age-of-consent laws is that the law recognizes that those under a certain age do not have the life experience, maturity, and long-term perspective to appreciate the consequences of their actions. That's why it's the adult involved who bears the legal penalty. I'd definitely prosecute on this.

But more than that, a 16-17 year old who acts out this way is in need of counseling. This isn't just teen sex--she's already acquired a sexually transmitted disease and posed for what sound like pornographic photos. This is beyond the usual and needs attention.

I hear you. At the same time, the "life experience, maturity, and long-term perspective" that you speak of doesn't suddenly kick in when a person reaches the still-tender age of 18.

As it turns out, my speculation was true. The outfit and the posing WERE my kid's ideas and she doesn't see why any of this is even my business. Sigh! Under these circumstances, I can't see slapping the boyfriend with a possible felony conviction just because he happens to be 4 years older.

Besides, sixteen is the age of consent in Maryland and the STD came about because boyfriend #1 (NOT the boyfriend with the camera) didn't admit that he was infected. Like it or not, she HAS learned a powerful lesson from this. She now has a disease that can be subdued, but not cured. She now has to broach the subject with each new boyfriend. The implications of this are NOT lost on her.

But, in the kid's eyes, she's not acting out. She's doing what she's entitled to do with HER body and HER boyfriends. It's hard to argue with that.

It's very hard to argue with that when her father doesn't seem to be bothered by it. You cannot do the parenting alone. If he loves his daughter, he needs to look at her problems without the rose colored glasses.

sounds like it's about 6 years too late-if you haven't set bounds by the time a kids old enough to watch MTV nowadays, you don't have much of a chance.

and, from the sound of it, she's got no reason TO respect authority, because she's got no authority TO respect.

in one way you're lucky- you're not sending a virgin to college. they're the ones I found myself carrying home from beer bashes after having dragged them and their clothing away from the (insert group of thugs here) she was too drunk to see as a threat.

I was a lot like your daughter in my teens- only I took it all far more seriously. I knew the risks, and the rewards-if she's taking those pictures for her own fun, that's a whole lot safer than her selling them to a web smut company, and no, I wouldn't blame the dude- you know as well as I that a 17 year old girl can think and talk circles around a guy in his early 20's-

how does he treat her otherwise? honestly?

Ha! In this kid's case, maybe 10 years too late (she was precocious). I came onto the scene when she was 9. At that time, she already knew how to say what people wanted to hear and then do whatever the hell she wanted.

The "dude" has been out of the picture quite some time now. She got interested in some more attractive guys and dumped him. The potentials, however, didn't respond -- thinking she wasn't good "girlfriend material" and she's been "single" ever since -- not the happiest state for an HS senior, but at least she's not acquiring or spreading STDs (as far as I can tell).

Her dad is happy to buy the "good kid" act and, as long as she's doing well in school and not coming home drunk or high, I guess I can see the logic in this.

I've given up, though. I might have been a great stepmom to a less headstrong kid. In 4-5 months, she'll launch herself into her college/adult life and maybe over the long term we'll settle into some shallow truce, exchanging Christmas cards and such. This is a huge disappointment, considering what I wanted and expected when I took on a "second family", but neither she nor I was ever willing to give in -- she to accept my authority and/or be honest with me and me to buy the act and go with the floe.

But this kid WILL make it in life. She's smart and self-centered enough to handle just about any situation and maybe, just maybe, she'll figure out that she has to be a lot more honest in her love relationships than she ever was with her parents. And maybe, just maybe, some of my insistence on truthfulness and responsibility will sprout in some garden far beyond my view. I love this kid, but I hate our relationship; I really do.

I haven't read each post really carefully, so forgive me if I'm repeating what was said above. It sounds like this poor girls destructive promiscuity is a cry for help to the one man in her life she loves and needs the most: her father. And it sounds like this is a cry her father has chosen to ignore. Why is he running away from his precious daughter? Why is he ignoring these fundamental signs of despair and feelings of worthlessness? This girl is on a train headed for a wreck. She needs her father. It sounds like he needs as much help as she does so that something worse doesn't happen to this girl, since she is making such dangerous choices now, she might be destined for even worse things to happen: abusive relationships, substance abuse, more STDs etc. I know this sounds harsh, my prayers are with you and your family. Don't give up. You sound like the only one in her life that cares.

kindness- I made this girl look like a nice kid in my day- and that I never got pregnant, or forced, or picked up so much as a yeast infection was partly angels watching out for me- and partly my rather kinky taste in people (I'm addicted to bookworms and brainiacs-both groups notorious for producing more than their fair share of college-aged virgins).

and I grew up to make my parents AND my inlaws proud, and marry a genuinely nice guy who can joke about the bald fact that I've bedded more women than he did along the way...

a rampaging sex drive is NOT the same as a desperate cry for help... sometimes it's just an itch that's more fun to have someone else scratch.

the girl's a brat, no doubt- but she sounds rather less traumatized by all of this than you are.

Sigh! Here I am again. In two months, maybe a little less, the wicked stepdaughter will be leaving and none too soon. Last night she kicked me in the face because I told her she couldn't make her own lunch when her Dad and I had already prepared a lunch. Well, it got heated after that. She yelled and screamed that I can't control her and yadda yadda yadda.

The left side of my face swelled about and inch last night and I am majorly bummed. It's never been very good between us, but I had such nice hopes in the beginning about this "second family" and now feel hated, misunderstood and abused. How did I get myself into this? Why do I feel like a failure to boot? It's not just that I don't like her (even though I alternately love and hate her); I don't like *me*!

A 50-some-year-old doesn't have a chance against a 17-year-old. Her Dad sent to spend the night at a friend's house last night, but I'm not sure that I even want to go home tonight. I just don't want to be there.

How is your husband treating you through all of this? Do you feel "cared for and loved" by your husband, or do you simply feel like an outsider/stranger in your own home? what did he do when his daughter kicked you in the face? what has he said since?

I think he's been appropriately supportive -- reassuring, consoling and even apologetic at times for foisting the kid on me. But I've been feeling as if I were living with someone else's family for years -- a feeling that was undoubtedly fueled by my stepdaughter's rejection and stubborn refusal to grant me any respect or consideration.

He was out in the field when the attack occurred, then talked to the kid and told her to call a friend and arrange to sleep somewhere else that night, which she did. I don't know if he chewed her out. I do know that she told him a very different story -- she told them she threw a mug at me. Duh! That was before my face swelled out an inch.

Since then, I'm the one who's stayed away. I've spent several nights in a camper we have parked way back behind our field, one night on my boat etc. I don't feel safe at home anymore. I'm too upset and she's tasted blood. It's just too tense a situation for me to deal with. She's refused steadfastly to apologize to me, so I just don't want to be in the same room.

The hubby also went to school with the kid the following day and talked to her principal. The powers that be agreed that she was a potential danger to the other students (that surprised me, but they have a policy that says that any student that attacks a parent could also attack other students). So, she ended up taking an exam in one class (English) so that she could graduate without completing the semester. She's done and she's waiting for tickets to Washington state where she'll live with a half-sister.

The hubby also ripped up the check I'd written to pay for the kid's driver's ed classes next month and decided on his own that she wouldn't be given the car we had planned to give her or the several months of auto insurance we'd planned to provide to cover her til she was established in a job. This all surprised me very much. I'd more expected him to whitewash the whole thing, provide her with a pampered exit and then try to appease me as an afterthought.

I'm now hoping that she'll be gone within the next week or two. In the meantime, I've been amazed at how supportive friends and family have been. I've had at least four offers of places to stay, numerous survival stories from other people with rebellious teens and stepkids and even a couple offers to beat her up (no, not a good idea).

Once she's on the other side of the country, I hope to regroup emotionally and forge a better relationship with the hubby. All in all, I think he's handled this very well for a man who is likely to lose contact with his only kid. At the same time, I can't lose sight of the fact that he played the middle so much of the time that he likely worsened the relationship between the kid and I (hiding important things from me -- like when the kid came home with herpes). We're going to both need time to chill out and rebuild some trust and I need to shed the bad stepmother costume for something that's considerably more flattering.

I've read and reread this thread so many times I can practically recite it from memory. Everytime I read it I get the same vibe from bugfarm. It's not a good one so I've put off saying anything. I can't stand it any longer.

I should say right up front that bugfarm's stepdaughter needs some SERIOUS help. She needed a professional counselor from the word go. That never heppened, it's no wonder she's messed up.

Bugfarm, I got the impression from your very first post that you have a great disliking for your step-daughter. Your posts were not about how to help her, there doesn't seem to be any desire to help her. I don't senst there ever was any desire to HELP her at all. You're ticked off because "the kid" never respected you. (That part your fault and part your husbands - not your stepdaughter's at all, she wasn't taught to respect you.)

These are the things that bother me:

"Since we started letting the kid date"

"letting the kid do whatever"

"she'll probably run off to college and be less of a challenge to me"

"Any advice on how I can relate to this arrogant, lying teenager?"

"I don't think I was meant to be a stepmother"

"In two months, maybe a little less, the wicked stepdaughter will be leaving and none too soon."

"doesn't count me as a member of her family."

You don't count her as a member of YOUR family - you just keep calling her "the kid" (except for when you call her the wicked stepdaughter or the arrogant, lying teenager) not exactly endearing.

I think the "other side of the story" would be very revealing in this thread.

~P

Ahh, but she has had quite a bit of serious counseling -- many years of it, in fact. And I call her "the kid" in a similar vein to calling her dad "the hubby". Names are not important in this context. Plus, her dad and I have tried to help her in numerous ways, but these postings here were meant only to help me come to grips with this painfully disappointing relationship. I am not, in this context anyway, seeking help for the kid but help for me in relating to the kid and soothing my own bruised feelings.

And do I dislike her? Well, yes and no. This site has provided me with a place to blow off some steam but, in doing so, has been exposed to only one side of my mixed feelings.

I took on this "second family" with the best of intentions and have worked very hard to make a home for us. But some kids at 9+ years old already have their way of relating to adults well firmed up and, where her natural parents were extremely laissez faire about discipline, I had rules -- like bedtimes and a few chores and NOT doing homework in front of the TV set. I'm not sure that "teaching" the kid to respect any of her parents or stepparents was still an option by the time I walked into her life. She's still extremely pissed at her parents for breaking up and for not being more pro$perou$ and $upportive. The chip she has on her shoulders is far too heavy for me to lift!

But, right now, I'm suffering. I do, in fact, love "the kid" and have tried repeatedly to establish a relationship with her that wasn't based on shopping (the only time she's been civil to me).

We're in the final countdown now. She'll be flying off to live with a half-sister in 4 weeks. If she and I ever re-establish a relationship, it probably won't be for 5, 10 or more years. Meanwhile, I'll get to move back into my home and pick up the pieces.

Yes, we all could have handled things much better, but the deck stacked against me had a pile of jokers. I'm not saying that I don't share in the blame. I'm saying that I took on a kid with a huge pile of resentment and wasn't willing to buy her affection -- so I didn't get it.

uhm- more prosperous and supportive, huh?

god bless kids whose parents raise them with reasonable expectations...

and god help the kids whose parents raise them to be emotional accountants.

I've babysat your kid's clones over the years- actually, I paid for my first year of college's room and board with the money I made keeping one of my classmates out of trouble- her dad would pay me $50 to keep her entertained for an evening- and I can provide a lot of entertainment for $5 ;)

believe it or not- most of these brats do just fine when they get out into the real world, and get knocked down fifteen or twenty times in a row by people who don't care as much as their parents did...

it may take 10 years, but trust me, your daughter will eat crow in the long run. and it may hurt to watch- but she won't be even close to being an adult until it happens.

I officially declare you exhonerated, and free to have a life of your own for a change.

Thank you so much, Chinacat_Sunflower, for the exhoneration and for sharing your perspective. My middle daughter has suggested to me that what I need to do (to recover from the pain and disappointment of my relationship with my stepdaughter) is spend more time with people who love me. That sounds very good to me!

Besides, I truly believe that my stepdaughter will do well in life. She'll need a little humbling at some point -- and I hope this doesn't come at too high a price -- but she has tremendous self-confidence, strength, tenacity and fearlessness.

And, in the interim, I do get to reclaim my life. It's no longer about what I'm doing right or wrong with respect to the stepdaughter, but about whether I'm living well and honestly and being kind to myself as well as others.

:) 'loathing' is about accurate to describe my feelings for the Veruca Salts of the world...

no matter how bad things got with my folks (and they got bad) it never occurred to me to duck out on chores- up to hand-waxing the car I wasn't allowed to drive. why? because it was EXPECTED of me.

and so I went to college as best prepared as my folks could make me. which meant that I was TOTALLY overqualified to be a freshman...got my loft erected the first day, made extra storage out of milk crates, found cool fabric to make curtains with, made lots of friends because I owned a power drill and knew how to use it...

and had a WONDERFUL time watching kids who didn't know how to hold a hammer, make a pot of coffee, do laundry that included sweaters, tie-dyed shirts, and unmentionables...honestly, I called my dad that first week, astounded at how completely helpless most of my classmates were.

I just wish you got to watch ;)

bugfarm, I am wondering where these kids get this supreme self confidence. I know kids like this, and they have it at a very early age. And yet I also know kids that are straight A honor roll kids, who do well at sports, and are really nice kids, yet they lack that confidence in themselves and who they are.

I agree with your sentiments completely, Chinacat_Sunflower. Kids who are "spoiled" (indulged and not expected to help out in any way) often go out into the world with few skills and expecting the coddling to continue. When it doesn't, they have to go through a difficult process of reassessing themselves and their relationship to the rest of the world.

And, if my husband had been able to have his way, my stepdaughter would have learned all kinds of handy skills including using power tools and working on cars. But she wouldn't have it. Even as a very young child, she resisted his attempts to teach her anything. Too bad! I wish my father had tried to teach me!

Building into a kid the expectation that he/she is going to have to carry his/her own weight through life is really a Good Thing. When doing your share is drummed into a person at an early age, it isn't a struggle or a burden -- it's just part of who you are. I'm afraid my stepdaughter is going to have that chip on her shoulder -- the one that says her collective parents didn't do enough for her -- for the rest of her life. How much nicer it would be for all of us if she were, instead, telling herself how we helped her to be tough, hard-working and independent.

bnicebkind --

That must be one of those great life questions. How does a person develop self-confidence and self-esteem? Somehow my stepdaughter simply "wrote off her parents" at an early age and decided she was in charge. And, given the precarious nature of her parents' relationship, she met with little resistance. By the time I walked onto the scene, she was simply NOT willing to be parented, unless parenting meant that I took her shopping. If she'd been born into a more normal family and not been a virtual only kid (biomom had 6 other kids that she left behind when she walked out on her husband a couple years before), she'd have probably developed an entirely different way of dealing with adults -- and maybe a less self-confident, but more pliable nature.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a troubled family and retreated into myself. Even today, I have to work very hard at feeling worthy, valuing my efforts.

This issue may be no more than a side street in the old nature ve nurture debate. Some elements of personality are inborn. And biomom is a classic case of arrogance and self-confidence. She hasn't contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing in the 9 years I've been in the picture, yet she sees herself as a superior being ("high tone" in her vernacular). Even when she was living in her car, she saw herself as an intellectual powerhouse. It all sounds great on paper, but she's barely able to tie her own damned shoe laces.

I'd hoped to show the kid that one can be highly intelligent and successful at the same time. And that looking down at other people is anything BUT a sign of the superior being. Sigh!

((((Bugfarm))))

You tried with her and it was set up against you from the start. All through your postings one question kept going through my mind: where is the mother?

You answered in the final post: absent. The biomom, as you say hasn't "contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing" nor does it sound like she contributed much else.

Your stepdaughter is enormously angry and has little self esteem or she wouldn't be taking those pictures. Self-confidence and self-esteem come from a parent paying very close attention to a child and personalities are formed in the first few years. Inattention can have serious repercussions, as you've seen, and even result in psychiatric disorders. Some children with strong personalities simply take over the house when the parents abdicate. She doesn't trust anyone and she's learned that she can feel in control through manipulation and bad behavior, as flawed as her logic may be. She doesn't trust you because she can't trust her own mother.

If you feel you've done the best you can with her, and it sounds like you have, then put your mind at rest and work on restoring harmony in your marriage.

Your husband stepped in but it sounds as if he's let you do most of the work for a long time. I hope he's apologized for the physical abuse you endured. That is unacceptable that you would have to live in fear in that way under any circumstances. That should be made clear in the future.

Bless you, because you obviously had the strength and determination to try to do what you felt was right.

Ultimately though, his daughter is his responsibility, not yours even though she's been living in your house. You love him and you stood in. But the stepmother simply isn't part of "the family of origin." Even with much more well adjusted children I've found this to be true. Few of them will accept what you have to say and perhaps its time for you to stop trying at all. Wash your hands of her and let him step in and deal with her in the future.

Of course you love her or you wouldn't have tried so hard. I think the poster who suggested there's another side to the story doesn't get this at all.

fatlester --

Thank you so much for your soothing remarks. Yes, I do love my stepdaughter, though I have to admit that also hated her from time to time. Our relationship always seemed to be casting me in a role that I really didn't want to play. I felt as if my choices were to allow myself to be "used" or to be seen as the hated enforcer of discipline.

Yes, biomom left when the stepdaughter was only 8 years old and spent only a week or two with her on several occasions in the intervening years. She doesn't work, lived in her car for 3-4 years and somehow never felt obligated to help in the raising of her daughter.

I love my husband, but there were times that I had to ask myself if it was worth all the trouble. If I'd had it do over again, I would NOT have taken on responsibility for this man and his daughter. I could have had a stepkid who appreciated me and a lot less stress!

I'm taking better care of myself now. I'm visiting my other (natural) daughters and their families (I have five wonderful grandkids!) and spending more time with close friends. Eventually, I'll make a stab at making peace with the stepdaughter. She is still my husband's only kid and it would be easier on all of us if we could have a civil relationship. I'm just not in any rush to re-establish the connection.

bugfarm...I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself and beginning to heal from the disappointment and pain of this relationship. she must be off to college by now, and so you should have a better opportunity to now grow, and work on making your marriage happier. i do not know how often she calls home, but if it is often, and the calls upset you, than perhaps you could consider a 2nd phone line for awhile, giving everyone you love the new number, and letting your husband answer the old line to talk with her, so while you begin to heal, she doen't keep picking the scab off of the wounds, by treating you in a way that is painful. Explain to your husband that it isn't forever, but that you just need some time, so every phone call from her does not send you spiraling down to where you were. until you reach that point where she grows up a bit, and you are able to get above all of this, and where things she says or does don't hurt like they once did. Anyway, it was just a thought that popped into my head, and may or may not help. i wish you the best in this next stage of your life. Take care

After 10 years of such hell, my 20 year old has decided to try to revert back to juvenile methods. She is or sounds like yours, only probably worse. My, recommendation, for your own sanity......put it out of your mind. It's out of your control the ride has left the gate a long time ago. My sd's bio mom is in prison for embezzlement of millions. Apples don't fall far from the tree and leopards don't change their spots. After 10 years of trying to be the savior, my best advice is to protect yourself and any other children you have from infestation.