yah, i lost my mom at 11 Years old and i also had stepmom. Rough years because at that age you are startign to understand life. REAL life. Responsibilities, relationships...et....plus your hormones are out of wack!
So my advice to you is just to be there for her, be understanding. Sheis going through alot of thinking turmoil now. She's pist off at hermom, the situation and she's getting info from both sides and she doesn't know how to process it. Give her time and space. She throws her fits because she was essentially abondonned by 'mom' at your front steps and then when she came back after 6 months, she took it personally when you gusy said no. So yes, she 's angry. Nothign wrong in that. Let her vent it out. She needs to vent it out. Important that she doesnt' keep this in. Keep telling her you love her and you are taking care of her.
As for BM, maybe you can go to court and speak to a judge abotu having her tongue curved a bit. Sound to me the things she is telling her daughter is mentally affecting her. I think you must have some sort of grounds.
Even better, if your SDis coming home with explosive attitude after her mothers, then arrange supervised visits for while and for BM to go for counseling.
I just find it odd that after taking care of her child (12 years) that she would abondon her on your steps.
Is BM addicted to alcohol or drugs? To tell your DH it was never his child and then after so long just drop her off....doesn't sound right.

My daughter always acted very differently when coming back from her dad and even after visiting her grandparents. It was always more diffciult for me to make her to listen to me. It only changed when she turned maybe 17-18 or so. It can be tough on kids to alternate between different set of rules.

Thank you Maria. I've often wondered the same thing about BM. SD suggested at one time that there might be a problem there, and we looked into it, but didn't get far. The only thing we found that was BM hasn't been arrested for drugs or alcohol in our state. Not much help.

We also thought it was odd that she showed up in the middle of the night to drop a child we didn't know off. So, we had a DNA test done and SD is DH's. He was very upset at all the time he'd lost with SD, and it still tears at me how she looked when her mom dropped her off. How scared. Of her own father!

And then to come back and expect that custody be granted back to her? We were furious! She said she won't fight us in court because she doesn't have the money, but every time SD comes home from a visit she's got new clothing on from Hollister, Abercrombie, and Victoria's Secret that I haven't bought and SD sure didn't buy since her allowance will barely pay for a shirt from one of those places and she doesn't save anything.

I'm just worried that SD is in for being hurt again when BM decides it's not worth it to play by the CO to see her daughter.

On a side note.... We're trying to teach SD to not be selfish or greedy and to have some respect for money, but since BM tells her that she should only wear such and such things or she'll be an outsider, SD has become a snob to be honest. Where she would wear Rue 21 or Goody's or JC Penney's and was very popular in school, she'll now only wear American Eagle, Victoria's, Hollister, or Abercrombie and while we can afford it, I just can't rationalize it. SD in fact told me the other day she only wanted ugly friends so she'd stick out.

I'm not sure what to do here. One minute I've got a perfect angel who gives us hugs before bed and thanks me for dinner and the next I have one of Cinderella's evil step-sisters. I think some of this can be hormones, but part of this is mom's doing too and I really feel bad for SD that she's so confused.

I think that's tough too. DH is trying to figure out his new parenting role, and our biggest issue so far is making no mean no. BM doesn't make no mean no, and neither does DH and this poor child only gets no from GM, GP, and myself. As a BM myself, I think that having restrictions and guidelines are healthy for a child and help them to know what is expected. Am I wrong?

Also, SD has decided that she hates me. Since BM came back into the picture, SD barely speaks to me and is then rude and mean. I don't know whether I should say something about that either.

Any ideas?

Has DH been legally or through DNA, established as this child's father? The child doesn't sound too abnormal for a teenager, and considering that she didn't have dad in the picture for many years, she may be using that to be a little manipulative (especially if she knows he feels guilty). and with a mom that would abandon her at that age, who knows what issues she had before she came to you and what kind of life she's had. I'd suggest family counseling, not just for her but you and your husband. I would even invite the mom but she probably won't go. This is tough because my SD's mom abandoned her a few months ago and our counselor said that if mom moved back to the area, we should let her go back to 50/50 arrangement, otherwise SD would resent us for it. I believe that is true, however when my kids were going into high school, I didn't like what was happening. I worked for social services and saw a trend with teen pregnancy and drug problems. I decided to resign and move to a more rural area (where I had grown up) and my kids hated it. They were angry and rebellious but I told them that it was what I felt was best. It's been 4 years and they have kept in touch via myspace with some friends back home. Several have dropped out of school, many have had babies, and a few have died from drugs and gang violence. They now see what I was doing to protect them. Not all kids will appreciate that it's in their best interests when you make a decision that they hate. You could point out to her that you want her to see her mom and have a good relationship with her mom, but that you care about her and want her to have stability in her life. If you focus on the things you are doing for her and not in a way that she will perceive as an attack on her mom (ie, pointing out any of her mom's shortcomings), then she may be more responsive. It's tough when you have a teenager because the opportunity for dad to bond with her as a little girl is gone and no matter what kind of mom she has, she HAS that bond.

He established through DNA that he was SD's father first and then through the legal system. To be honest, it wasn't as difficult as we thought it would be. The test itself wasn't as pricey as it was years ago, and once he had the papers saying that she was his child, our lawyer had a lot more room to maneuver. SD was with us for almost 2 months before we had emergency custody papers on the grounds of abandonment and a month after that, we had full physical custody. We really can't go to a 50/50 arrangement and our counselor has advised against it. He feels that SD needs the steadiness of a schedule and a home. Also, BM lives almost 3 hours away, so going to a 50/50 arrangement is out of the question considering the distance from her mother, and the distance DH and I drive for work. BM would have to also want to split time and she doesn't want that. She insists that it is her right to leave her child with us and to expect to get her back when she comes back.

SD is in counseling as well as my DH and myself. Sometimes it's difficult to get us all there on time, but it's helping. We invited her mom to join when she came back into the picture, but she replied that she didn't have time for some f-ing meetings.

At this time we live in a rural area, but DH and I are looking into moving to another slightly less rural area that is closer to our jobs. We both work an hour away from home and SD has already attempted to run away once recently. We're concerned that she's going to do so again. Not to mention that gas prices are insane even driving small cars. Also the schools in the area we live in aren't the best in the world. They have to bus them into the city and the schools aren't very good or very safe. The area we're looking at moving into has it's own smaller school system and is a lot safer. It's also only 10 minutes from my work, and 15 from DH's so we can be home earlier that 7pm.

You're right, she has that bond with her mom, and when she was much younger she had that bond with her dad. I knew she existed, he had told me about her, and he also told me that her mother had told him she wasn't his. We had pictures of her and my DH displayed in our home even before her mother left her to live with us, and even more now. They're working on that bond, and he's trying, but she's very resistant. She'll tell him that she wants some alone time with him, he'll make time for that, and then she doesn't want anything to do with him. She'll make plans last minute and goes with barely a word to anyone or she'll lie about what she's doing so she can do something DH has told her that she can't do. He's at wits end and scared for her because we see her traveling down a road that will eventually lead to either a teen pregnancy or a drug problem or a permanent emotional scar and we want to protect her from that. We just have to figure out how.

Any ideas on protecting her from herself?

something you might try that may make a difference... make volunteering mandatory in your house... I know for graduation from high school as certain standards you have to volunteer a specific number of hours and I have seen parents doing the same for unruly teens.. find something that forces her to see and help others that are in worse situations than she... yes she got a raw deal and its tough being a teen and dealing with these kind of issues ... but forcing her to see that there are others that have it much worse and helping others not only will give her a sense of pride for something that only she is doing that has nothing to do with the circumstances at home but will also get her out of her own head thinking about how bad she has it... plus it will occupy free time that could be spent doing other more unsavory things.

Its something... figured I would throw it out there for you ... good luck

Oh wow! I hadn't even thought of that! That might help! Maybe, just maybe this might help her! Thank you!

Next problem... SD seems very stuck on herself. Not only because of the clothes, which are nice yes, but why would anyone pay $60 for a faded shirt with holes in it? Maybe I'm just getting old, but goodness! $60 for a shirt? Anyways, I know that for most teenagers, their self esteem isn't very high and they put on fronts, but I'm not so sure about SD. There are the clothes, the 10 lbs of makeup, the Chi straightener, the processing of the hair, the shoes, the perfume, the lotion, and all of the accessories and purses. If it's not expensive, she doesn't want it. She doesn't leave the house with less than a full face of makeup on at 13. I don't even wear that at 34! And on her Christmas list she put a pair of high heeled thigh boots on there expecting DH or I to actually buy them. Is she crazy? Or am I crazy for saying no to what DH refers to as "Hooker boots"? Or the $250 sneakers she just HAS to have. Or even the $500 iPod she wants because it's screen is bigger and it has more memory. She just got a new iPod for her birthday and she can't even fill it up with music and videos.

Yes DH and I make good money, but we also have bills we have to pay, Christmas for our extended family to buy, and friends to buy for. We're not spending $1,000 per child. That's $2,000 right out of the box.

She told me last night that she doesn't want clothes because she doesn't want to have to pretend to like them. I was so mad! I've already bought clothes that she picked out inadvertently and then she tells me this! How rude! I'm half tempted to take them back and give her a gift card for a store.

Ideas? Thoughts? Suggestions? I'm new to being a SM and really new to 13 year old girl problems. I feel way out of my league.

mmm mmm mmm... my preteen little sons thought that they could complain about what they had so I made a point... I told them over and over if they were not grateful for what they have then I would give it to someone who was... they didnt think I was serious until the day I packed up their entire room.

I didnt give the objects away but I stashed them for a while... it got the point across... I made it clear next time I would give the items away...

If my children, any of them, decided to tell me what they did and did not want as rude as that conversation was I would be telling them in that case you can have nothing ... instead I will spend all of the money I would have spent on you on some underpriveledged child that will actually appreciate it...

And, I am sorry but no kid HAS to have anything... a little dissappointment goes a long way to appreciating what you have... especially for a girl who is choosing to do poorly in school... Make getting all of these things that she HAS to have coincide with getting her grades up... IE a's and bs = new shoes or whatever... And, even if you want to make it a short term goal new shirt= bring me a progress report from your teachers... Dont just hand these things over to the kids... It gives them a sense of entitlement and a lack of responsibility and discipline.

it sounds like she's trying to punish him for not being there, whether it was by his choice or the mom keeping him away, she's got resentment against him for it. That's going to take a lot of time and patience on his part to work through those feelings.

I agree with mom of 4, getting her involved in helping others in worse situations may help. I used to volunteer when CASA in our town held a "kids day". and talking to her in a sensitive way could help too. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy, safe and healthy and that is why there are rules. The rules are the rules and if they are violated, there are consequences. Consistency is the key and the rules or consequences can't change to fit your schedules or current mood, otherwise she won't take it seriously. It's easy to let them go when you feel guilty but kids need to know what to expect. Your DH may also tell her that trust and respect are a two way street. He could apologize for the past (and mean it) and tell her that what's happened in the past can't be changed. Tell her that they can only go forward and start now. He's here now and wants a relationship with her. He could tell her that he knows she's had disappointment and would like for him to feel how she felt, but doing that is only going to prevent them from moving forward. He has to be very careful of what he tells her he's going to do because she will remember even the slightest white lie and use it against him if she can. If she says she's going to do something, she needs to be told that she's expected to follow through but that only works if he follows through on what he says he's going to do. and it's okay for him to admit his past mistakes to her and let her know he wants to change. but if he says that and doesn't do it, it's meaningless.

I wasn't suggesting that you go to a 50/50 arrangement. I guess what I meant was my SD was doing 50/50 until her mom moved away. She was devastated. Her mom gets her on weekends only now and since mom's relationship is new, we had a concern that if it didn't work out, mom would move back to the area and upset the stability that we are working hard to give SD. The counselor said that if she did move back and we refuse to go back to 50/50, then SD would resent us for it. I know she's right and SD will be angry but DH feels it's best for her to stay stable. I agree with your counselor on that and especially at your SD's age. My SD is 8 and I'm already worried about the boys issue. Her mom changes BF's like socks and SD gets infatuated by any boy that looks at her (and some that don't). We've been contacted by the bus driver that she acts inappropriately by trying to sit on a 7th grade boys lap and he complained to the school. The counselor believes she is modeling her mom's behavior and that is something we may never be able to change. Her mom is all about being "Hott, sexy and cool" and that is what SD thinks life is about. When she first came here, she wrote down her goals in life and her jobs were: Model or strip. She comes back from her mom covered in temporary tattoos because she wants to be like her mom (and her mom knows her dad doesn't like it, could be part of the reason). I have a daughter that is now 17 and not nearly as interested in boys the way the 8 year old is, so I do believe a lot of it is modeling from the mom. (I've even thought she may have been molested but the counselor has explored that and hasn't found anything to indicate she was, besides an incident when mom's ex BF stayed over and likely had sex with mom in front of SD when SD was under 5, which is a form of molest but something the court dismissed because it wasn't discovered until she was 8. Mom shared a room with her daughters and SD says she was awake and mom denies it ever happened.)

Mom of 4 that's brilliant! I had thought about something similar, but as SM, I'm kind of worried about overstepping bounds. I shouldn't, but I do. We've been through so much with BM and SD already that I try to keep the peace as much as possible at home. That might work though. We've tried taking her ipod, her tv, her stereo, and her game systems because of her grades or her lies. She just watches tv when we're not there and puts her cd's in the stereo in the living room. So that isn't working. We've even taken her cell phone.

So maybe, just maybe this will work. When she said that about Christmas she followed that up with "you should just give me the money for everything on her list", which is in excess of $1,000 so she can do with it what she wants. How ridiculous is that? She's thirteen years old!

Ima, sorry, my brain was off in another land. I'm at the office and interuption is constant here.

How similar our situation! Main two differences, my SD's BM is a stripper and she doesn't change BF's daily, but she has been known to turn a few tricks. And the age of our SD's.

My SD came home from BM's, after spending all of last week with her, wearing a pair of shorty shorts, a shirt showing off her belly ring that she's had since she was 10, and a pair of platform wedge canvas shoes like are popular now. It's November and it was raining out, not to mention it was 31 degrees. She had a ton of makeup on, and enough perfume on to choke someone. I was shocked. Her mom didn't see anything wrong with this. She thought she looked "cute".

What is wrong with these women? Do they want their daughters to attract the wrong kind of attention and be raped? Or to follow in their footsteps so they can brag to the other inmates that their daughter is now taking her clothes off for men? Or to look 30 when they're only 15?

It's very frustrating and heart breaking to see such self destructive behavior and to know as you do that there may not be anything that we can do to stop it. I'm not ready to be a grandmother yet, nor am I ready to raise a baby because SD won't or can't.

My gosh! That poor baby! To see that at so tender an age. She's damaged for life and the courts threw it out? How would they feel if that were their daughter?

On the 50/50 issue, to a point I have to agree with your DH. She may resent you for a while, but I pray that eventually this baby will see that you're not trying to ruin her life, but save it. God give us strength and wisdom! We sure need it! And then I have to agree with the counselor to a point too. We agree that her mom is a bad influence, and yes, she's going to mimic that, but eventually (we can hope!) she's going to see the light and know that BM is not how she wants to be. She has you in her life as a positive influence and role model, eventually she'll see that being like BM is only going to get her in trouble and hurt.

I wish you luck and I'll keep you and yours in my prayers. Thank you for the words of advice!

our hope is that living here, she has a chance to see that life can be different and there are many choices (and consequences) in life, not just following her mom's. I have the same concerns about her ending up with kids too soon. How funny that you say mom thinks it's cute, SD's mom says the same thing...

That's our hope with SD too. Isn't it irritating that these BM's think that it's cute? I kept thinking "I bet the hospital bill from pneumonia won't be cute. *Mimics BM's laugh*" I didn't say it, but I thought it.

b-e-l-l-y r-i-n-g? Did I really just read that? God - and I thought when my SD came home from a BM visit in the same outfit but with a temporary tramp stamp it was bad!!

My SD12's BM is all about being cute as well, and the message it sends to my SD just kills me. Fashion over common sense, clothes over food. Don't respect your body - use it as a means to attract and keep a man. It feels like I spend my days trying to contradict those messages.

When my SD started getting greedy with excessive wants and pitting one home against the other in an effort to get at least one of everything on her Christmas list I took her to a woman's shelter/group home. We met with a few mothers and kids, found out some things they wanted and then went shopping for the practical and non fun items on their wish list. Afterward I gave SD's list back to her and asked her to think it over. I received a revised list pretty quickly. I won't say she doesn't still have excessive tastes, but she toned them down quite a bit . . . and asked to do the same thing again the following year.

Oh yeah... you heard that one right justnot. A bellyring. That's tame though.

SD's BM is the same way. She may not be able to keep the lights on, feed her kids, or pay for the dentist, but by gosh she's got $100 jeans on her rear!

Our latest battle: digital camera. She "borrowed" my digital camera out of my purse and took bikini pictures so she could post them on myspace and facebook. I discovered them when I went to print pictures of my family's Thanksgiving out. I'm still shocked and at this point neither DH or I know what to do. She's already grounded for her lousy grades and there isn't anything else that we can think of that would actually be a punnishment. Any advice on this one would be fantastic!

Thank you for the suggestion! We tried something like that not long ago (right after the Christmas list remark) and when we went shopping, SD ran all over the store saying "OMG! That's sooo cute! Can I have that? I need that! I want that!" I've sworn to DH that I won't take her shopping again. I honestly don't know what to do about the selfish anymore without doing as mom of 4 suggested and taking the money I was going to spend on her and spending it on someone who would appreciate it.

Thoughts? Comments?

no computer if she still has use.. more specifically, no internet. I'd delete her myspace just because they have a minimum age of 14 and it's not really a good place for kids. A 12 year old girl (not too far away) was posing as a 16 or 17 year old and a guy in his 30's was saying he was 17 and he ended up picking her up from her school (with her consent, even though legally she can't consent to anything) and he took her to a motel in the next town over, kept her there for a couple of days having sex with her. The police tracked him through myspace and his credit cards and found them at the motel. The girl answered the door and I think she even tried to lie about her age to them but she wasn't being held against her will. Children don't have the sense to know that they are being exploited and harmed sometimes and it's the parent's job to protect them, even from themselves. I'm sure the girl was angry at her parent's for having the guy arrested.

btw, SD's half sister is 12 and poses as a 17 year old on myspace. I reported to myspace and they deleted her profile but BM let her put another one up. BM says it's none of my business, but I would feel terrible if anything happens to that girl and nobody did anything to try and prevent it.

She's not allowed on the computer at our house, but her GM doesn't follow grounding so she's allowed to get on there. GM has however said that Facebook and myspace are no longer allowed there because she posted our home address and phone number. Thank goodness BM doesn't have internet or a computer.

DH emailed myspace yesterday after we read your post. Thank you! Now if we can only get rid of facebook. It's by far worse than her myspace. You're right, it's not a good place for kids. It's not even a good place for adults, but it's entertaining and a good way to keep up with old friends. I myself have one.

Something similar happened two towns away a few years ago. Only it was the POLICE CHIEF'S daughter and she was 14 posing as 20 and the guy was 58 posing as 22. He raped and murdered her and left her on the side of the interstate naked and half burned. He did this after keeping her alive for a couple of months. If the chief of police can't keep his daughter safe from a predator online, who can? It scares me to think that this could have been my SD. She's so reckless and boy crazy that she doesn't think things through.

I have a myspace but I use it to share family pictures and keep in touch with distant relatives and school alumni. It kills me when I see these girls putting up their half naked pictures, don't they realize the perverts out there looking at it too? (or if they realize later on they made a mistake, those pictures can be out there forever, saved on someone's hard drive.)