Hi, I'm sorry you are so troubled. I'm not a step parent, but I was a step kid and my Mom died when I was 10 years old. Dad remarried two years later. Don't expect her to "get over it", she will never get over the loss of her Mom. I'm 44 and I still have times I really miss my Mom. She will have many times in the future she will too, especially when she gets married, and has a baby. That being said,loosing her Mom gives her no excuse to be rude to you, or your husband. Set some rules down and tell her she is welcome at your home as long as she shows you both respect. Tell her you both know how much she misses her Mom and you just want to support her in any way you can, but that rudeness won't be tollerated in your home. She is an adult and can find another place to live if she doesn't want to play by your rules. Sounds like you all need a heart to heart, and Dad needs to do most of the talking. I agree she needs counseling, but she may have to come to a breaking point in her own life before she will seek it, and maybe she won't even then. However, you and your husband need counseling too. You two are a team, and if he's willing to get counseling he can learn to stand up to her. He should be doing that, and supporting you so your SD doesn't resent you for being the bad guy. Hang in there, things ought to get better. I just encourage you to try and find something good in her, and focus on that. It is incredibly hard for a girl to loose a Mom. I imagine it is even worse if she didn't have a good relationship with her. She probably has a lot of guilt. I love my step mom very much, but I've never felt like I measured up to her own kids. She isn't my "mommy" and never will be. We have a very nice relationship as a step mom and daughter, and she will always support me the best she knows how. I have learned to be thankful for that. I hope your SD is thankful for you some day too. I believe if you keep loving her in spite of herself it will work out. You are both loving her by giving her boundaries too, and not allowing her rude, selfish behavior.

I once heard (I think it was in a song), that "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will". Being "in love" is an immature physical/emotional response that happens when you meet someone, and they give you the 'warm fuzzies'. LOVE, the stuff that keeps you going when your world is falling apart. It's what keeps a couple together when one has suffered a tragic dibilitating accident, or is facing rounds of chemo and radiation. It's what makes a person willing to make tremendous self sacrifices, in order to see that the person they love has what they need...the parent who skips meals to allow their hungry child to have extra when there isn't enough food (third world countries)...the person who risks their own life to protect someone who is persecuted (think of during the hollocost...the ones who risked their lives to save the jewish people who were being persecuted)...the man who works eighty hours a week, in order to pay his child support and still allow his new wife to keep her dream of staying home with the baby (THANK HUBBY!!). It's the mother who spends the night holding her sick child even though she has puke on her slippers and her legs are cramping from not being able to move (Thanks mom!). It's the man that spent twenty years twisting wrenches, to keep his family housed and fed, it's what kept that same man doing it, even when the arthritis set in or his knuckles bled from scraping them while fixing cars, or that time he grounded an electrical short in a motor through his wrist watch, welding it to his flesh. Gruesome but true. (Thanks dad...) LOVE is not a feeling. It's what's left after the honeymoon is over, the warm fuzzies have faded. After you've come to realize that that little thing he does really ISN'T cute. After he's come to realize that you (leave the dishes in the sink for three days at a time, stay on the computer until midnight, sometimes annoy the heck out of him...) It's being WILLING to look past the other persons faults and realizing that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling, as meaningful, if that person wasn't in it. It's making a choice, a decision, to do what makes THEM happy, even if it doesn't make you happy, because it will make THEIR life richer. Falling 'in love' is what brings people together, but it's making the choice to develope that into real LOVE, and then acting on that choice, that keeps them there. Maybe that's why so many people divorce. That fuzzy feeling fades and they decide they want out. Maybe I'm lucky. I grew up with both my parents, and they have both demonstrated real love, both for each other and for us, throughout our lives. The personal selfsacrifice for the betterment of others. It's funny, in a sad sort of way, but it seems to me that there would be a lot less people on here if there was more REAL love in our homes. When there is love, there isn't room for selfishness. These dads...who want to be a father to all of their children, not just the ones from their current relationship...that's love. They understand that fighting for access or custody could cause them financial ruin, and that it can make their adult relationships more difficult, especially if they don't have an understanding partner, but they are willing anyway, because they know that their childs life will not be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they grow up without one of their parents. Any partner of a parent needs to understand that their partners life won't be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they are denied the ability to parent their child. It shouldn't matter if it makes it harder for you, LOVE isn't about you. It's about him, or her, or them. You SHOULD love your children, and you can, because it IS a choice, an 'act of the will'. As a parent or step-parent you aren't called to LIKE your children all the time, heck, you aren't even called to like your SPOUSE all the time, but you are called to LOVE them. And you can...because it's a decision. Read "Words of Hope" by Bananarama...I'm pretty sure she didn't always like the kids, but she decided to LOVE them...and look, twenty years later that love is being returned in multiple, through both 'her' children and now grandchildren. Love is working through the hard times to get to the better...no matter how far off it seems. And the funny thing is...the more you give that type of love away, not worrying about your own wants, the more of it you give...the more it's returned. Trinkets and toys, money, a bigger house, a newer car, a life with someone who never challenges you to step outside your comfort zone, never asks you to become a better person, that maybe tidy, easy, comfortable, but it will never bring lasting happyness. Loving someone may not give you a 'tidy life', but it will give you a life worth living. My life with(out) step-children is hard, messy, ugly, stressful, draining...I can admit that...but at the same time, pouring my life, my very soul into those I love, my husband, my son, my stepkids, that is what makes my life ultimately fulfilling. When I am (hopefully) old, I would rather die, knowing that, with love, I have enriched the lives of those around me, than die, knowing that I lived only for myself, and left noone who will celebrate my life or mourn my death. They say the best way to love your children is to love their other parent. If you have a child of your own, with your current partner, but you are unwilling to love your partner in the way he needs and deserves (such as encouraging and supporting him in his desire to parent his other children) then in reality, by not showing love to your spouse, you are not loving your own child. It's something worth thinking about. Verena

I completely share your pain with having to be treated as if you and SD are the same person to your husband/her dad. In my own situation, the cynic in me started to feel like I was my BF's daughter as well...because when he would show affection to me he would turn around and show affection to her. It's as if he didn't want her to feel left out. But what he didn't realize was that he was leaving me out (or at least that is how I interpreted it). I have an 8 year old son and we are very close. But he knows that my relationship with my BF is drastically different from my relationship with him. I don't kiss my boyfriend and then turn around and kiss my son so that he doesn't feel left out. Most men cannot distinguish between the fine lines of these types of relationships. Just yesterday, she made a comment to her dad "Well, your girlfriend is going to get all glammed up for you. I want to get my nails done too." So he gave her $40 and we both went to the same salon and got our nails done. Before leaving, her dad pulled me aside and asked if I would get the french manicure because he really thinks it looks chic and classy. I told him absolutely. His daughter (like most teens do) always got designs, bright colors, etc. but when we got to the salon, she asked if she could get the french mani done. And nothing is wrong with that. It's just that it's annoying to us. We are letting her behaviour and his get the best of us. Is this because we feel like an outsider...like she will be around for the duration but he can drop us like a hot potato. Does this mean that you and I are insecure? Maybe. But what it shouldn't mean is anything at all having to do with their behaviour as questionable or incestuous. He has lived this part of his life with her as the only other FEMALE. So naturally, the lines are incredibly blurred for the both of them (my BF and his daughter) (your husband and his daughter) for whatever reasons there are (and most times dad only explains it as being over protective of his little girl). But what starts to happen innocently enough is that the two have a relationship that mimics the ones that grown ups have without the physical part but certainly flutters on the psychologically romantic overtures but moreso just a pretty normal relationship between one person and another. Like fixing breakfast for the other, going out to dinner, going out to the movies, talking about cars, talking about sports, sharing the bathroom, washing the laundry, going on vacations, etc. The reason that I believe the trend is not to call us "Step" anylonger, is that it means that we are stepping in, replacing, barging, changing things, pushing away. It will take time (the same goes for me) to see that their relationship isn't salacious and questionable but that it's the only way these kinds of dads know how to treat their daughters. It only becomes wrong when we start making it wrong, when we step in and try to change things and not let their relationship exist and grow and mature. Yes, it is a juggling act to turn our feelings on and off and to not let things like, getting the same presents or surface affection (like hugs and kisses on the cheek or forehead)annoy us. But that is all that it is...an annoyance to us. It doesn't mean that dad prefers his daughter over you and we certainly shouldn't be thinking of it that way or in any way at all. What it means is that the daughter hasn't grown out of this attention seeking and re-assurance stage with dad and also that no one (namely dad) has taught her or steered her in a direction that shows that she is still a priority for him but that he has other priorities as well which are just as important to him. He doesn't want to feel guilty and inasmuch as she wants to be the apple of his eye, he too wants to be her hero and someone that she looks up to. It's up to you to find your middle ground, pick your battles and make yourself understand that your relationship is as beautiful as you believe it to be...but don't live in a fantasy land. If you let them flourish they (especially the daughter) will come to appreciate you. At least this is what I'm trying to do in my own situation.

Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.