GBB, I don't know if it's even that he resents you trying to parent him, because it would be more logical that it happen all the time - not just mostly when Dad is away. Poor kid is probably terrified that his BM left, now Dad is gone... is he really going to come back? What if you leave too? The pressure of waiting is too much, and maybe he figures he's just going to force the issue and behave badly so you leave too and it's all over with (like people who settle a lawsuit that they have a good chance of winning because the strain of the whole thing dragging out becomes too much for them). Plus, if he acts badly he gets Dad's attention when he does come back (going out for ice cream). Wish I had a magic answer for you. DH went on a week-long business trip last summer and SS veered wildly between overly-clingy and loving to me and just horrible out of character bad behavior. I don't have three other kids to take care of on top of it like you do, and I was a wreck by the time DH got back. It was completely mentally and emotionally draining. (Since it was summer, I spent one entire week with a child who literally would not leave my side from 8 AM to 9 PM - either clinging and saying "I love you, I love you" almost non-stop, or screaming and having actual temper tantrums.) Does DH have internet access on his trips? Can you Skype or maybe have SS and/or DH create videos (with a webcam) to email to each other? Phone calls are good but video seemed to be even better. Maybe DH could write a note for each day before he goes to give to SS each morning that he's gone? Ask SS what would make him feel more secure; at nine he might be able to answer. But DH also has to let him know that no matter how worried he is it is not acceptable to say these things to you. Good luck!

This is a stereotype: “it's our jobs as SM's to suffer in silence for the sake of the children that are brought into our lives by no choice of their own.” Wow! Absolutely not. Neither SM nor the SKs asked for mom and dad to divorce. Mom and dad made that choice on their own. Marriages and relationships take place all the time between people that we have no control over. A 17-year-old may start dating a Marilyn Manson look-alike, and everyone is expected to take it all in stride and stay out of it. A few years later, that 17-year-old may even decide to marry MM. Uncle Harry marries aunt Sue. Everyone thinks she’s a be.atch, but favorite uncle Harry marries her anyway because he sees a different side to her and knows she’s the love of his life. In all of these cases and more, people were brought into our lives by no choice of our own. But, for the most part, people make it work. No one expects anyone to suffer in silence. It is just the way it is. But, throw the term SM in the mix, and suddenly SM is to suffer in silence and put up with being at the bottom of the list. SM is supposed to cook, clean, and wipe bloody noses all without expecting anything in return, including not even expecting respect. She is to have no say in her own marriage to DH or her own household. She is to suffer in silence for the sake of someone else’s children. She is the family’s servant. Any issues arise from a divorce that she had no part in, and she is supposed to be just fine being the family scapegoat. Mom and dad’s hands are always supposed to be clean, for the sake of the children. Then these SKs grow up, and continue to treat SM as the family servant and dad’s piece on the side, even as adults. After all, they re just following everyone else’s lead. However, doesn’t this sound to be me more like something from The Handmaid’s Tale, then a life any woman should ever be expected to contend with under any circumstances? Unless she is in the lowly approx. 6% of SMs who had an affair with dad, who then divorced mom, and dad and SM went on to marry, SM had no part in mom and dad’s divorce ether. SM married dad xpecting to be his wife and treated as such. No SM that I know of married a man expecting to suffer in silence for anyone. No one in any marriage or relationship should. Abused women, for example, were told they had to suffer in silence for years. Ridiculous! Yes, a woman knows marrying a man with children from a previous relationship will have its unique challenges. But, the anticipation is that for the most part, people will make it work. No one should have the expectation that SM is to let anyone in the family walk all over her. This idea that everyone has value in a family, except for step-parents has got to end, and it reeks more of a stereotype from the early 1900s than the 2000s.

Before you file for divorce, do your due diligence and tell her you want to go to marriage counseling. While there, say very clearly and firmly that you will file for divorce if she continues to enable her son to be a jobless mooch that is going no where in life. Then, state your goals: he has a job by such and such month, he's out of the house by "x" date, he financially supports himself completely by this date, and so on. Give her six months to make significant progress on these goals. If it doesn't happen to your satisfaction, you'll have done everything you could before giving up on your marriage.

I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have said anything. As a woman who has been married for over 25 years to a man who has done more than his fair share of never communicating the word "no" to his now very entitled, grown children, I can tell you from experience that letting the husband do 100% of the communicating is just as equally destructive as doing it yourself. The bottom line is, which do you value more? His children's approval or your own boundaries? If you sacrifice your boundaries in hopes of gaining their approval, there's a high probability that they will interpret your silence as permission to mow you down to get what they want. In addition to not gaining their approval, you may also lose your self-esteem in the process. Successful relationships require mutual respect, and a shared goal of peace. Very often, adult stepchildren don't share this goal with their stepmother. You may always be the unwanted, unwelcome visitor in their pre-existing family, whose every move will be scrutinized. As for your very successful doctor SIL and his wife... assuming that you wouldn't mind babysitting the weekend after your wedding seems like a rather ignorant and selfish assumption. Assuming his mother is also available to babysit, in addition to her own family members, it would seem that they should be able to tap into other resources. Not to mention, that his salary should be sufficient to hire someone to babysit if they can't use relatives. If he and his wife plan to leave their kids behind fairly often to travel as a couple, then they should also be planning what to do with their own children so their travel doesn't come at the expense of others. And for certain that it doesn't come at the expense of a new, unwanted, underappreciated, second wife who has already raised kids and would like to spend time on her own honeymoon. Hence, my biggest piece of advice to you is to 100% stop worrying about what your stepchildren think of you. My plan of action stays the same now and has for a number of years. If mine are kind to me, I'll be happy to return the gesture. If they choose to merely show me the minimal cordial interactions, I'll return the same. If they decide to attack me, shun me, be rude to me, etc. I will leave and not lay eyes on them for a long time. I will not succumb to returning their uncivilized behavior, but I will not be present for theirs either.