I Messed Up With Adult Step-Son & Family

8 years ago

My husband and I just married last summer after being together for three years. Our relationship has been wonderful and STILL IS wonderful, imo, except for mistakes that I've made with his adult son and DIL. I would be very interested in getting feedback from both adult step children and other step parents (If you could try to be gentle/kind to me .. this is really all new to me .. trying to navigate and adjusting to be a step parent/grandparent role.)
My new husband divorced his wife 25 years ago. They had the one child, whom is a successful doctor, is married, has a couple of kids and lives a couple of hours away from us. I am a widow. I had been married 34 years to my late husband. My late husband and I had two children who are now both adults. My children both live locally.
The issue? When we were planning our wedding last summer, we had to go back to the drawing board a couple of different times, because what we wanted/needed to schedule did not fit into his son & family schedule. Finally, husband said .. we are deciding and it is going to be THIS day. He, I think nervously, went back to his son and DIL and told him the new date and that this was going to be it. They accepted it, they had to. But .. husband's son went on to tell him that there was a time that we couldn't watch the kids when they needed us to and he had told them that he would do it another time. Step-son indicated that they had planned on us staying with grand-kids the weekend after our wedding. (We weren't even sure we would be home by that time from our honeymoon.) Husband didn't fight anything just kind of went along with what his son was telling him.
Fast forward to a day that step-son and his family came to visit for the day last summer, I finally got the gumption up to tell step DIL that we couldn't keep the kids that weekend. She was livid. I told her that no-one had informed Al sooner and that we had to plan our wedding and get away for sometime. Her response? It was your fault .. you didn't consult us first about all of this. Ugh! Anyway .. while I was in, as deep as I was already, I also told her that they (the whole family) could not plan on staying with us the weekend of our wedding. We live in a smaller home and it would be just too much with 5 extra people (three being children). We were already stressed with the planning etc .. of it all. I told step DIL all of this indicating that we would pay for them to stay in a local hotel. She wouldn't have any of it .. says the kids do terrible in hotels. They did end up staying in step-son's mom's home that weekend .. so it worked out, but needless to say, they were very unhappy. And .. I believe, still are.
Now .. before I am told that I should have never talked to steps about this stuff .. it should have been my husband. I know ... and am kicking myself now. I'll be working hard, moving forward, so I don't do that again.
In the meantime .. to all of you out there .. any thoughts on what I can do to get the fences I built pulled down?
Thank you all very much in advance for any support/feedback you might have.
Jeannie

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Comments (3)

Sylvia Gordon
8 years ago
Now really, you know the answer. You are not the Builder of those fences. Husband needs to talk very plainly to his son and daughter-in-law. Neither you nor your husband are built-in babysitters, and expecting you to look after their children because "they do badly in hotels", and additionally, to look after the kids on the weekend following your wedding, is so outrageous that I'm wondering, belatedly, if this is a real post. Your husband needs to speak very plainly to his son and daughter-in-law.
colleenoz
8 years ago
Agree your husband needs to have the talk. I cannot believe the chutzpah of someone getting their nose out of joint because they weren’t allowed to invite themselves to stay in another person’s home, especially since they were getting free hotel accommodation.

And as for demanding that you babysit, where do these people get off? “They PLANNED on you babysitting on a particular date”??? Without consulting you or asking well in advance if it would be convenient? When we’re they planning on letting you know? Do they realise that if they had given you plenty of notice, you might have factored that date into your plans when you were choosing a wedding date? In any case you shouldn’t have to fit your wedding around someone else’s schedule, though you can take it into account.

Personally I can’t help but feel it wouldn’t be a totally bad thing if your entitled stepson and his wife don’t have much to do with you. How does your husband feel? Sounds like his relationship with them isn’t entirely a bed of roses if he is intimidated by them (“He, I think nervously, went back to his son and DIL and told him the new date”).
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First of all, I want to *thank you* all for answering. You wouldn't believe the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders just by being HEARD by someone looking in from the outside. I realize that I'm new here, and probably shouldn't have jumped into the waters right away with a problem... but, I'm glad that I did. You're a wonderful bunch. :) jenny_alabama:: Definitely take those boys to counseling, but also talk, talk, talk to them on the side. >>I have always let the boys know that they can talk to me about anything, be it good or bad.. that they can call me as easily as they do their dad. I received a phone call from the oldest about the incident we had yesterday with their Mom, he wanted to know what really happened. Of course, I left off some things but basically told him that his mother was being disrespectful to both their Dad and I. LOL.. his words almost verbatim were... yeah, she can be that way sometimes. My husband and I have a rule, there is no badmouthing anyone in our home no matter who it is, we want ALL of the kids to feel comfortable here and we want a home that doesn't feel like a battleground. mmommy::Don't underestimate your children's ability to see the light. >>You're definitely right about that one.. the truth ALWAYS comes out sooner or later, but sometimes when we're in the middle of the battle, we lose site of that fact. Thanks for the reminder. :) sylviatexas::Those behaviors often occur when children are in homes where they witness abuse or when they are being abused, be it mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. >>That is our worst fears :(. The man has been a friend of my husbands for some time now... more of an acquaintance, really. He has always been nice to my husband and I, but we know what's on the surface isn't necessarily what's inside. We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with the oldest one's teacher (yes, their Mom knows, she is more than welcome to attend), to discuss issues that he may be having at school. Unfortunately we couldn't get one in to see the youngest's teacher before our appointment with our lawyer on the 22nd. >>You would think that she would want them to get counselling.. she seems to think that they don't need it, that it's OUR home causing all the problems, she says they don't act that way there. Well, if it is.. wouldn't she want to find out for sure?? I'm thinking that you guys are SO right.. if they go.. she looses control. Which is just sad.....
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WOW!!! Your story is terrible. The first thing that comes to my mind is the two commedy movies out there, one I think is Mama's Boy, and I think the name of the other is Stepbrothers. In my situation we have a problem with my husands 2 adult daughters stating that they have been neglected and left out, etc (we invite them to everything, they often don't come because my kids and me are there, they want Daddy to themselves). My SDs do not live with us, they are in college and graduate school fulltime, so our problem with them is not like yours. Your SS is a physical drain as well as financial drain. My SDs are mostly an emotional drain on us. The movies might bring laughter to you. I doubt that your wife would watch them with you. She'd probably storm out of the room after a few minutes. They are pretty funny though. My DH and I rented them, and laughed until we almost wet our pants. It sounds almost exactly like the situation that you describe. I agree with other posters who say that the main problem is with you wife. She does not respect you when she is making these decisions without consulting you. The foundation of your marriage is wrong. The most important person in her life should be you, and pleasing you. The most important person in your life should be her and pleasing her. Major decisions like these should be agreed upon together. It sounds like she has taken leadership of the home, and tells you how things are going to be. You are expected to go along with her demands. She missed the whole concept of marriage. I give you much credit for all of your hard work on this matter. I do not understand why a woman would choose her adult son's desires over the desires of her husband. I cannot relate to this. I hope you saved the torn contract. The three of you need to go to counselling together. Take the contract with you. I have a son who is 17, turns 18 in 2 weeks. I could totally see my son following in the footsteps of your stepson. I have tried and tried to get him to stand up and be a man. Funny thing, he is joining the Marine Corps, and ships out in October. I know that will take care of the next 4 years. But I can totally see him trying to move back home and mooch after then. My husband wouldn't allow it, neither would I. The best thing I can do for my son is push him out of the nest and make him stand up for himself. Some mothers have a hard time letting go. They think that if they do more, give more, that this will help the child. But it only makes the child more dependent and stunts their development as you put it. My hat goes off to you for all your hard work. Stand your ground.
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Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.
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Sara Tilmont
8 years ago
I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't have said anything. As a woman who has been married for over 25 years to a man who has done more than his fair share of never communicating the word "no" to his now very entitled, grown children, I can tell you from experience that letting the husband do 100% of the communicating is just as equally destructive as doing it yourself.

The bottom line is, which do you value more? His children's approval or your own boundaries? If you sacrifice your boundaries in hopes of gaining their approval, there's a high probability that they will interpret your silence as permission to mow you down to get what they want. In addition to not gaining their approval, you may also lose your self-esteem in the process.

Successful relationships require mutual respect, and a shared goal of peace. Very often, adult stepchildren don't share this goal with their stepmother. You may always be the unwanted, unwelcome visitor in their pre-existing family, whose every move will be scrutinized.

As for your very successful doctor SIL and his wife... assuming that you wouldn't mind babysitting the weekend after your wedding seems like a rather ignorant and selfish assumption. Assuming his mother is also available to babysit, in addition to her own family members, it would seem that they should be able to tap into other resources. Not to mention, that his salary should be sufficient to hire someone to babysit if they can't use relatives. If he and his wife plan to leave their kids behind fairly often to travel as a couple, then they should also be planning what to do with their own children so their travel doesn't come at the expense of others. And for certain that it doesn't come at the expense of a new, unwanted, underappreciated, second wife who has already raised kids and would like to spend time on her own honeymoon.

Hence, my biggest piece of advice to you is to 100% stop worrying about what your stepchildren think of you. My plan of action stays the same now and has for a number of years. If mine are kind to me, I'll be happy to return the gesture. If they choose to merely show me the minimal cordial interactions, I'll return the same. If they decide to attack me, shun me, be rude to me, etc. I will leave and not lay eyes on them for a long time. I will not succumb to returning their uncivilized behavior, but I will not be present for theirs either.

I Messed Up With Adult Step-Son & Family

Comments (3)

Sylvia Gordon

colleenoz

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