Well, first, this is something new, & the new is always fascinating.

Second, children often fantasize about alternate parents.

Whenever I had parent trouble, I used to imagine that I was adopted (no chance, I looked just like my mother facially & just like my father's mother & sisters as far as build).

If I were adopted, my *real* mother could rescue me & whisk me off to a more glamorous life.

(I always visualized her as a gypsy, with flashing dark eyes, swirling skirts, & a really good head of lustrous black hair...& she always had a horse!)

Third, she's 10.

At that age, girls often idolize or imitate an older girl or woman, a teacher or scout leader or aunt.

They grow out of it & into the next stage.

I think I'd try to take the fascination & imitation with a grain of salt, & be sure she's exposed to lots of other role models.

& maybe her mother actually has had a late awakening of maternal instincts.

That could work out really well for everyone;
she can buy clothes, entertain, take her to the ballet...

& if motherhood's sparkle pales for this mother & she disappears again, thank goodness this girl/emerging woman has people who always have been devoted to her & who always will be there for her.

Definately stay the way you are... there is no telling how long mom will want to be involved before she decides to skip out again... and above beyond anything else sd will need the consistancy of you and dad behind her. Also, the way that we always word ourselves for behaviors that are allowed at moms house that are not allowed at ours is to say "I would hope that we raised you to behave in the manner that you know is right even if we are not present to tell you it is wrong. You know the difference and you should always make the right decisions even if no one is telling you you have to" And, I am sure that she is apprehensive about mom since she barely knows mom.. she is basking in the limelight of having "mom" back but at the same time knows that it could be very brief and she is basically a stanger. Just stay the course and "have her back" this will be an incredibly difficult time for her and ofcourse you and dad as well... just remember you love this little girl and dont change a single thing that you do... Mom may be mom biologically... but you are the real mom and she will need you.

And, on a side note... if dad has full cutody of her... Dont just let mom do whatever however... make rules and guidelines and force her to stick to those guidelines... She is little more than a stranger.. And, you wouldnt let a stranger randomly take your daughter and do whatever.. I wouldnt let her do it either.

thanks for your thoughts. You know looking back on my childhood I did the same with my father I didn't live with.....he was going to pick me up and take me away in a new car to a new house and life would be perfect..I guess it is normal for the situation...all I want out of this is for her to turn out to be a happy productive person the same as I wish for my bio children....The issue with the imitation is irritating..many of the imitations do not show good manners...I am hesitant to correct them because I know where they are coming from but on the other hand bad manners are just that bad manners and if they hadn't come from there I would correct them without a second thought with both bio and SD.... i hope for her sake that BM doesn't pull away again but I fear that that will be the case. thanks for listening to me rant..think it helped me just to write...

I know how you're feeling Five. I know that I HATE that BM walked away for so long and let DH and I deal with SD's hurt and anger towards everyone and then decided to walk back in when SD was JUST starting to settle in and be comfortable enough to talk to us. I'm lost though. The whole idea makes me want to cry for all the effort, love, and money wasted helping our child only to have her BM ruin it with a few words. When she came back from wherever she'd been her first words to SD were literally "Mommy's back baby! Pack your bags!" I don't think so lady!! I wouldn't let her take SD out of our home until DH got home. That may or may not have been wrong, but not only was it a Monday night, she'd not seen, called, or written her child in over 6 months.

I'm sorry I can't offer any sage advice for you Five. I'm still trying to figure this one out too and misserable with the hurt of it. I can however offer this tidbit from experience, I wouldn't pull back. This baby needs you now more than ever. You've been her "other mom" for longer than she can remember, continue to be there for her and be strong enough to know that she'll eventually realize who's always been there.

Thanks hecalls... It feels so good to know there are others out there especially full time SM's! it is also good to know that you felt angry as well..I am feeling like that a lot lately..I have kissed the booboo's, been there for all the shots,teacher conferences,tears because BM isn't there etc.. it does make me angry... I think I feel guilty about being angry..that I shouldn't be I also realized though when I was writing this that all of the things i have listed I have done and do for SD are things that have been out of love and BM still is not going to do those things even with visiting now.
good luck with your situation. I know it is a hard one.

Thank you Five. It's a tough situation, but patience, persistance, and love pay off eventually.

I also feel guilty about being angry, but short of going to the gym and beating on a punching bag I really can't do anything about the anger. It's there and I can either let my anger rule my decisions and my normally rational self, or I can deal with my anger and be done with it. Give it up to a higher being. It's very tough, and I'm not very good at it.

We shouldn't feel guilty for being angry. It's a natural human reaction, and as my therapist says "Anger is healthy." Just not too much anger. But just because we shouldn't feel guilty doesn't mean we won't.

No, I wouldn't say that BM, in either case, are going to do any of the things we do out of love. That's why I suggest that we keep doing these things for our children. Our SD's are internally wondering "Why doesn't my mom do these things? Where was my mom?" and eventually they're going to realize that even though we're not technically their mom's, we're still mom and we'll still be there for them no matter what.. It just probably won't be tomorrow.

Much luck, and many blessings.
Nina

I agree with Sylvia that kids imitating is very normal.
DD imitates everyone from her sisters,to me to Hilary Duff.(DD is also the same age as your SD)
I would also just take it with a grain of salt and know that the "fantasy" of Biomom will fade after a while.
So at this point I would not say anything about it,unless you notice her imitating behaviors that are of a concern.

About her school saying something...perhaps she does have some "anxiety" towards going to her mom's.If you think about it,it's probably because she hardly knows her mom.
While she may love and want to be like her mom,they dont really have much of a relationship yet,and it can be a little uncomfortable getting to know anyone you dont know.

I remember feeling shy around my dad when I was little because I didnt see him that much.

Just hang in there.I'm entering the tween years myself with DD and even with your biological child it can be "trying" to say the least.