Hi, Meredith!! This is my first post in ages. I know you're honored (LOL!!!). Here's my take: although everyone has their own unique idiosyncracies (ie: spontaneous vs. need to plan ahead) and every friendship has unique circumstances (best friend lives next door vs. across town), my personal rule of thumb is that friendships work best with less "requirements" instead of more. So, respecting the differences between you means tolerating different styles, otherwise it's just too much work. The key to a great friendship is immediate and automatic forgiveness and acceptance of the little stuff. She made a special dish for you as you asked (how nice!) but forgot about your special needs and didn't give you warning a day in advance to save your energy/back for dinner (oops!!). You are both miffed....NO PROBLEM!! Why? because there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You shouldn't even be debating whether yours or hers are any less or more valid. There's no right or wrong here. It's really all about how much you tolerate and ultimately forgive your friend. And vice versa. The way I'd handle it is: you call and tell her how sorry you are that you missed your favorite meal, especially since she went to so much trouble for you (any leftovers?). You love and appreciate everything she did. Your back sometimes interferes with your ability to be spontaneous (isn't it a bummer?) But if you get a day's notice, you can often rest your back enough to do what you want. Thank her profusely for going to all that trouble just for you (which she did, unquestionably). End of story. Don't tell her what to do in the future (save that for some other time when there's nothing in the air between you), or expect her to say anything like "I'm sorry". That would be imposing a requirement on her in order to soothe your feelings. If she does it, great!! But if you love this friend, and you are willing to tolerate the differences in your respective styles, it shouldn't matter that she occasionally forgets about your style. Yes, my suggestion sounds like a one way apology...and in some ways, it is. However, you are really acknowledging the special effort she made for you, her friend. That acknowledgement is important, because people need to feel appreciated. She did something for you, but blew it in the execution. Like any other gift, it's the thought that counts. My guess is that with acknowledgement, the whole thing will quickly defuse. And if I know you, you've already had that conversation anyway. So don't do anything more. Keep your feelings to yourself. Someone really wise once told me that in every relationship, including marriage, the parties decide every day, subconsciously, whether they still want to be there. This is part of it. Anyway, that's my take on friendship. It comes from knowing, in my heart of hearts, that I am very imperfect, yet my friends still love me and want to be my friend. I try to...

Custodial or not, DH has been your SD's father for 18 years. When I said "you're new to the scene", I just meant relative to the parent-child relationship they've had for 18 years. But yes, you are right, the three of you living together is new for everyone. And yes, as such, it means that everyone, including you, has a right to have their input on deciding mutually satisfactory boundaries so everyone can be comfortable with the living arrangements. Examples of such boundaries might include chore lists, agreed-upon length of time SD lives there, working out bathroom schedules, providing a polite amount of notice to all parties when making plans, lowering volume on tv's/stereo after a certain hour (or wearing headphones), meal planning that takes everyone's tastes into account, etc. Things pertinent to sharing a living space, obviously, need to be worked out where everyone has a say and agrees to the terms, which need to be fair and respectful all around. When I said "ground rules/financial arrangements", I wasn't so much talking about things that everyone agrees on per this new living-together situation in particular but longer-standing decisions that pre-date you and that may be viewed as separate from the specific circumstance of living together. The kinds of things a parent (not a new step-parent) makes decisions on. The main example you gave of an area such as this where you seemed to want to make rules (the credit card) has little to do with the living-together scenario. Of course, it may be argued that if the girl was driving the charges up to the stratosphere it could affect the ability of you & DH to pay household expenses. But what are we talking about, a $20 bookbag here, a $30 pair of boots there? Yes it adds up, but unless she's up there in the triple digits every month it's not going to throw you all out on the street. In any event, that problem is very simply solved by SD getting her own card as described by Kathline's suggestions. YOU personally don't have to give her a penny or any assistance of any kind if you don't wish to. But whether DH does or not is up to him, as her father. I question the relevance of what you seem to think is such a deciding factor here: "they've only ever had vacations together". Especially now that the living situation is full-time. Also not sure how their past visitation schedule gives you *more* of a say in agreements between the two of them that don't really affect you. Or how you being new SP gives you more "latitude" than if you had been an SP (custodial or non-custodial) going back many years. I'm not totally sure how you've reasoned all this out, but I can assure you that DH and SD don't share your perception of their relationship as limited to "sharing vacations". Persist in minimizing it in this way and laying down laws if you wish, but don't be surprised when stress & resentment start multiplying exponentially, all around. I mean this, truly, as a *friendly* bit of advice. Some of the things I'm saying sound harsh, but seriously, this is how things can degenerate amongst otherwise well-meaning but inexperienced stepfamily members. I'm just saying pick your battles, that's all. In the long-run, you really will be glad you did. I say this not only having been an SD but also with empathy for SP's who can't fathom how things turned out so bad and have to deal with a mess of resentment that can't really be un-done after the fact... all based on, as you aptly said, "differing expectations" and being unaware of the perspective of the other parties...

I went through paralysis by analysis when we built last year. It is such "bourgeous suffering" you can't even complain to your RL friends! For the most part things came out fine and it sort of fun to see your true taste evolve through picking things you like. Re the modern stuff, modern country is a very cool style. I read somewhere not to be afraid, and I tried to be willing to take a few little risks-- checkerboard tile, wildly colored Willard Moses chandelier, some funky 20's style Pottery Barn pendants. I'm glad I did! I made some mistakes, but that's okay. I'd rather have something a little different than have it all be safe and perfect. I don't see why you can't have an Asian influence (which is usually modern, natural, simple) in a woodsy house. I think it could be quite wonderful. When we built I had some basics I knew I wanted and was willing to sacrifice other stuff for-- hardwood floors, pretty divided lite windows, painted cabinets, WB fireplace, front porch, mudroom. We picked schoolhouse lights from Rejuvenation and simple sconces from PB. Some of the bathroom and closet lights are from Lowe's. I knew I generally wanted a farmhousey effect and went with that (even though it will look a bit silly when the lots around us get built and we no longer look like we're on our own farm!) It helps to have a look that you like-- pore over those magazine clippings-- see what common elements make you happy about them. Hang in, one thing at a time, it does come together in the end.

You don't need to use all the same finishes throughout your house. The main thing to keep in mind is keeping the styles consistent, especially for rooms that can be seen together at the same time. If you are painting the cabinets light, I think it's nicer to have the knob also in a lighter finish (silver or gold) rather than high contrast. Browse photos of French country kitchens to get some ideas.