So.... Guess who lives with us now?

14 years ago

SS's mom called yesterday to say that if we don't take him, she's giving him to social services (ie - foster care)... We said yes, but that he has to stay here for at least until the end of grade eight (so at least 19 months).

He moved in with a duffel bag last night and we'll do the rest of the move over the next few weeks.

Things have been quite smooth for us with SS in the past year or two, but I expect a few monkey wrenches now. I might need you ladies a lot more than I have lately!!

For those who don't know our story:

SS12 is not DH's biological son. DH met BM when SS was a few weeks old and they dated for 2+ years. BD is not in the picture at all (he's mostly in jail), so DH is the only dad SS has ever had.

SS had severe ADHD and has bipolar disorder, so he has a lot more struggles than many other kids his age. He's a nice kid though - smart, funny, generous, but he can be very difficult too.

BM ditched him whenever she possibly could to party and such when he was younger. Their attachment to one another is probably described as shaky at its best and abusive at its worst.

He was here for 6 weeks in the spring so that he and BM could work on their relationship. From what we can see, he tried but she didn't, so obviously things didn't improve.

Anyhow... here I am :)

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Comments (16)

mattie_gt
14 years ago
Oh Ceph, good luck to you all! You guys are so caring; such great people! Not everyone would do what you are.

Are you all in counseling? Not just SS, but you and DH too? Maybe you want to look into it because if (when) things get a bit tough at times, if you've already been going it might give you a head-start, so to speak?

I'm sure you'll get a lot of great advice about the ADHD/bipolar/IEP issues. I'm not sure how much advice I'll be able to offer but I can provide support. ((HUGS))
ashley1979
14 years ago
Wow! What a turn of events!! When BM was pregnant, she was all about having him...now she's wanting to give him to social services? What kind of craziness is this?

What are you going to do as far as legalities? I forget...is your DH 'legally' his father? Was there ever a custody agreement?

How does SS get along with your DD? Is that relationship good?
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justnotmartha
14 years ago
Wow, Ceph. It's going to be rough, but I think we all agree it is the best thing for him. If anyone can make this work you can.

On a side note - who the hell says take my kid or I hand him to social services?? Nice work, mom of the year.

Hugs to you. . . hope your DD is doing well.
silversword
14 years ago
Amen JNM!! MOTY award for sure goes to the bio mother of "A".
myfampg
14 years ago
Hi Ceph I agree you two are very caring and taking this on is a huge deal! What a lucky kid!

My nephew is also ADHD and bipolar, 15 now and has finally turned things around. I can understand BM's frustration with him but no excuse for just giving up. My sister went through the giving up phase at 12/13. My nephew was at his very worst. He was in the mental hospital 4 times in one year. He finally started in therapy and a psychiatrist got his medication regulated. He is no longer on any medication and is doing excellent. He did behavior therapy and manages his behavior himself ... A huge step. So there is hope!! It really just takes support and determination to turn things around for him. He is probably going to deal with some anger. My nephew was dealing with anger issues stemming from his father not heing active in his life and anger at his mother bc of his dad's absence and her giving up on him.

Keep us updated on his progress and how things are going. I'll help where I can but I'm not sure how much great advice I can give... However I will be a support for you and I offer you the best of luck and lots of hugs!!!
sweeby
14 years ago
Oh man! What a piece of work she is!
I get that the boy can be difficult, but as a parent, you just don't get to give up.

He's very lucky to have you two in his life, and I'm confident that you'all will make the best of a very difficult situation.

Think you can get her to sign a piece of paper?
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
Yay! Ceph & Mr Ceph!

sending warm yellow cheerfulness to the 3 of you!
incognitomom
14 years ago
"I get that the boy can be difficult, but as a parent, you just don't get to give up."

Exactly my thoughts!! No matter how rough my son or stepkids can be I would NEVER give them away!

Kudos to you and your hubby for taking "C" in.
mkroopy
14 years ago
I would do back-flips if my ex would just drop off the kids and vanish. Hey a guy can wish, right?
colleenoz
14 years ago
Wow Ceph, I've always thought A would be much better of with you and your DH despite there being no blood relationship. You put so much time and effort into A, helping him learn self-control and to be a happier person.
I cannot believe a mother would do such a thing to her child but sadly there is too much evidence to the contrary :-( I hope A doesn't become downcast.
You and your DH are good people.
sylviatexas1
14 years ago
should have said the 4 of you.
momof3_stepof1
14 years ago
Mkroopy..... I agree 100%!!! If my ss bm just went away forever and never contacted him again.... I'd be a ok! SS would be a little upset at first but he'd move on..... and then he wouldn't have to cry everytime his mom neglected him.
imamommy
14 years ago
I'm so glad A has you guys... good luck!!!
ceph
Original Author
14 years ago
Thanks, everyone, for the well-wishes and support!

So, we are 6 days in... and all is well.
He's had a few minor episodes of crankiness, but nothing too out of the realm of ordinary for an average 12yo. Otherwise, he's been wonderful.

He's hurting, and he's angry with his mom. But he seems more relaxed and at-ease than I've seen him in a looooooong time.
He's looking forward to switching schools and is hoping for a fresh start in many aspects of his life. He seems to be willing to put the effort in to get it, so I'm feeling optimistic about it.

He's been funny, respectful, helpful, friendly. He's played well with the baby (12mo DD) and been gentle with the cats. He's done his homework with minimal complaint. He's even (mostly) remembering to take his pills without being prompted.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow about his meds and such. BM is taking him because it was scheduled months ago.
I have an appointment with our Child and Family Mental Health social worker next week.
I've told SS and DH that we need regular counseling if we are all going to thrive in this situation and they are both on board.

Anyhow, that's what's up with us.
Amber3902
14 years ago
Glad to hear things are on track. Counseling sounds like a good idea, it's good that both SS and DH agree to go.
eandhl
14 years ago
Imagine "if we are all going to thrive in this situation" and your DH and SS are all on board.
Your SS is fortunate to have you in his life and your DH and baby daughter are also lucky. My very best wishes to all of you.

So.... Guess who lives with us now?

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