Help! 17 yo SD Moving Away To Live With Crazy Absentee Father

17 years ago

I need some advice from you all. I have helped raise our now 17 year old stepdaughter since the age of 4. She has lived with her mother and me in VA the entire time with only 2 short visits each year to see her very absent father in Florida. We never limited contact and encouraged the visits. BioDad has a very childish "kid buddy" relationship with SD and has over the last 3 years been relentlessly offering her all of the big ticket items we have not so easily provided, such as; a horse, a BMW car at age 16, cell phone with infinite minutes/no restrictions, no rules at his home, juke box, and on and on! BioDad has now purchased a "Country Club" home in FL and has been telling SD that her life is miserable living with us, her High School here is too hard, and her life would be easier and she will get all of the big ticket toys, sports car, etc. only if she moves in with him.

Since a late summer visit this summer with BioDad, SD has been demanding to move down to FL with him and we finally, after many talks with her, gave her a chance to make her own decision. She has decided to move in with him and SD is only thinking about the puppy she is now getting, fancy furniture she can pick out, fancy house, and the car, etc. We are worried, however we are tired of the fighting she has been doing off and on with us for this move to FL over the last few years, and her terrible lack of effort in her school work now. BioDad is single, no girlfriend, no other kids, and he is very immature. How he afforded the "Country Club" house, we do not know. BioDad does not support us, and always runs us down to SD. BioDad clearly just wants to "win" her love and my wife says that SD must move down and "get this out of her system." BioDad has not kept a single promise to SD yet, so we think that all will not be so rosey when she moves down there with him. After all, she will be living with a single man she does not really know, no friends, new school (coming in right in the middle of 11th grade), leaving her first real boyfriend behind, etc. This is crazy and I am depressed that I have no way to alter this move. SD pays very little attention to me these days. SD just accepts anything her BioDad says and this is just weird to me. Why is SD doing this??

What do you think is going on here? Am I out of her life now forever, given that I am not offering the big ticket toys like BioDad? I feel so foolish to have loved SD as my own daughter, only to have her run to FL for the sake of toys and "bling." What should we be on the lookout for? I basically agree with my wife that our daughter needs to get her head straight, however this is a very big risk she is taking. Any and all comments would be really helpful. I am confused and very hurt that this move will take palce in a few weeks. And it will happen. Help!

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

brass_tacks
17 years ago
What ever happened to the bonding that you and your wife have with the daughter. You sound as though this is a done deal and you are just left with dealing with your hurt feelings.
You wonder how this man could afford all that he is affording. Nothing wrong with finding out. You suspect something shady. Ask the questions. Your daughter is not of age yet. Would your wife be countering a custody court order?

You don't have to argue with the daughter. Yes, she is old enough to be making many of her own decisions--but then so is a five year old. Has the research been done with the school she would attend, and is it known if she has her majors and minors, etc. in order and her schooling won't get all screwed up. If your daughter is being serious about herself, you would know it. Your intuition is a great tool--listen to yourself. First things first. Do you agree that her school work is too hard for her?
If there is any validity to what you are imagining--are you and your wife going to kick yourselves because you let this girl walk into WHAT, you don't know. Pull up your boot straps and say NO WAY and we won't talk about this until I have some answers that make sense. Too soon. Too many loose ends. You don't feel good about this for a reason. Listen to yourself. May the Spirit guide you.
jerseystepmom
17 years ago
We had a similar situation, though the move wasn't as far (but it WAS 2 hours away). My husband's ex decided to move to a fancy house and to take his daughter to begin her senior year at a new school. They lied to the school in order to do this (actually -- you could inquire at the school -- there are rules against moving a child at that stage, so maybe the school would not accept her anyway). It was a similar situation -- mom had no rules, gave her whatever she wanted, moved to a huge house in a gated community,etc. Very difficult to compete -- especially when you try to teach the children values and refuse to compete with that (as we did).

Bottom line, as brass tacks said -- do some investigative work on this guy. If he has all this money and you don't believe it is legit, perhaps you will find out something that will ensure that a court would never allow her to move. Also, sharing info with her may help her realize it would be a bad move (and at 17 it is time for her to have some hefty doses of reality....not sugar coating her father to her).
Related Discussions
17 yo SD Estrangement - What Else is Left To Do?
Q
Comments (13)
Thanks for all the insight and please keep it coming. We really appreciate it. I would like to clarify our thinking concerning the 17 yo girlfriend moving in with biofather and our daughter. We had a very clear understanding with biofather and our daughter that this was an opportunity for our daughter to get to know and live with her father. We were told many times in emails from biofather and daughter that it was just the two of them going to live in the new home. Turns out for 1 year the plan was quite different and the 17 yo girlfriend was in on the living together plan from the start. How can one feel good about not getting the truth when our daughter's safety is important? Lied to? Anyway we know the girlfriend well (5 years) and she has a very unfortunate reputation in the community, and this we have seen ourselves. Drug use, skipping school, alchohol use, very sexually active, low grades, and basically a young woman whose parents just don't monitor or have any rules for her that we could see. Being open minded and tolerant parents we did not try to stop the friendship after all of the problems we had with this girlfriend, however any responsible parent would be concerned with this person, as we were. Biofather has never had a child in his home (divorced when SD was 6 months old) and he has no experience with raising childern that anyone can find. He lives alone with no female relationship (or male) for many years. Biofather was texting and calling the girlfriend constantly on her cell phone and it eventually appeared to girlfriends parents that a relationship was posssibly ongoing with their daughter and biofather, we just don't know. It all eventually looked strange to gf's parents. We felt that the risk was just to great to have an inexperienced father trying to live and guide two 17 yo girls, especially with no adult women in sight. And how much parental control would the biofather have over the girlfriend at 17 yo?? And what about the real opportunity for our daughter to really get to know her father with the girlfriend there to constantly entertain and distract her? Anyway, we felt that given the individuals involved the risk of drug use and sexual activity was going to be out of site with girlfriend involved without parental supervision. And we only objected to the situation, that is all. The girlfriends parents decided that since we were lied to and that we were concerned, and given the intense text/phone call contact between their daughter (girlfriend) and biofather, it was best to pull her out. They could have gone ahead with the total move plan and there was nothing we could do about it. I must object to the word/concept "tattle" as it makes sylviatexas seem immature in her view on this. The situation was correct to discuss our concerns with the parents of the girlfriend, and given our information and concern, they changed their minds. It is nice when mature people can discuss things, and ultimately make independent decisons for thier own children putting safety first. I hardly see where any "tattling" could have been involved. We are proud of our mature stance and decision on this one. Some day I predict our daughter will thank us for it. Peace!
...See More
Respect of my 18yo SD
Q
Comments (20)
Thank you so much everybody for your imput. Yes, I guess I could have diffused the situation by walking away (which I wound up doing after the fight began to go into a yelling match) and of course I got, "yeah, just walk away like you always do." I am quick tempered (something I am not proud of) but I'm also very loving, caring and very involved in all of my sk & bk's lives. I'm still at a hault with how to talk with my husband about what he said in re of my sd and my relationship, I've just let it go (obviously haven't let it go in my heart). I hear what people are saying about her being an adult and discipline is not going to happen now if it hasn't happened before, yet I can't help feel that can't be possible. Apparently I still need discipline in my life at age 34, why doesn't she at age 18? I have given up discussing this any further with my husband.(Still getting the abbreviated lingo down...what is an OP, DH, exactly?) So now I am at a stand off. I will not budge on making contact with my SD as much as I truly want to, and if I did, she has already laid the ground rules down for having a discussion. Last family "talk" I was informed by her that I was no longer allowed to write her a note or letter to address feelings, that it had to be face to face. She knows that I better diffuse and explain myself in writing than oral. When I explained that to her she told me too bad and my husband just sat there nodding his head so to say. So, my alpha SD shall get the silent treatment from me until she approaches me on the subject. How immature I feel. I'm pondering the thought of calling her BM. Any thoughts on this? Thank you everybody again for your imput, critically or sympathically. -O
...See More
How to help SD w/transition, etc....
Q
Comments (109)
Doesn't the OP get to decide what they mean? I mean, KKNY writes "why is it a common thread that SM's...." and when I read it, not sure if she means to use the word 'theme'. That's the word I might have chosen. See, we are all from different walks of life and use different words in our day to day life. Choosing the exact words on a forum is not always so easy, especially when some people type fast as they are thinking and don't spend a lot of time deciphering the words they use and how each person that reads it will interpret it. I think the person writing the post has the best idea of what they are trying to convey, even if they choose the wrong word to say it. I see plenty of misspelled words, transposed letters (from fast typing I'm sure) and the use of the wrong words or words with more than one meaning. and KKNY, "perhaps it is part of I was good enought to get the guy -- you are worthless?" Comments like this drip with insecurity... perhaps you can remember that you were good enough to get him first. Then, you were lucky to be rid of him when he turned out to be a toad. Now, he's HER problem, not yours. Was he a prince? Is a guy some sort of prize that you think is needed to be the 'winner'? A second wife gets to bask in the joy of her marriage, just as a first wife does. It doesn't mean that she's any better or worse because she is happy & loves her husband. It doesn't mean she's better because things didn't work out with the first marriage. If you really think looks are important to the survival of a relationship and that getting the guy is some sort of reward or prize that implies they are the winner, if you really believe that, I'd suggest you get some counseling. I really hope you don't honestly think that way.
...See More
Gift To Estranged SD - Advice Requested
Q
Comments (27)
Just to answer some of the questions in previous posts; SD unfortunately did not do well in school in the second half of her Junior year in the new FL HS, mainly C's and D's. When the girlfriend did come down to visit during the VA schools spring break (not the break period for FL schools) SD skipped school for 3 days to hang with her girlfriend. Biofather was not happy and told my mother-in-law during a phone call that the girlfriend was a bad influence and was no longer allowed to visit. This was the same girlfrined that was planned to live in the home in FL. SD was allowed to lay around all summer, no job, no vacation, no activites. SD has not been "allowed" to get her learners permit or drivers license, thus no BMW car and no driving (as of 10/1). In the fall (senior year) SD has enrolled in just a few classes for 1/2 day opting for a work-study program where she is to work 1/2 day for real world work experience. Her job is working directly for her biofather as his personal secretary at the pizza shop he manages. Biofather is not a college graduate and he does not "see the need for his daughter to go to college." From phone call with mother-in-law. To clarify the SD room issue, when I returned from a 2 week business trip I found that my wife had cleaned up SD's room and taken apart the bed to thoroughly clean the room (room was a mess,smelled, and SD had responsibility and freedom with her room). Next day SD shows up completely unexpected for a 3 day visit with instructions to "pack" from biofather. Boyfriend picked her up at the airport and we had no idea she was coming. I immediately told my wife that the room was a negative signal and she did not agree with me at the time. Nothing premeditated or planned/intended here, just very unfortunate timing and my wife did intend to keep this as SD's room. I could see that SD was unhappy even though she was rarely home those days, opting to spend all 3 days of her visit time with her boyfriend. SD did no packing at all during her visit. After my post on this forumn and discussions with my wife, she realized the possible negative signal inadvertently sent and SD's room was certainly re-assembled with an apology message sent. SD's room is complete and is there for her. Wish my wife (and I) were perfect people! Bad luck on this one. My wife and I have decided to return to our original plan from some time ago; to select a very special Tiffany's gift and either give it to my SD at our celebration dinner in FL, or mail it to her promptly if necessary. SD is in BD's care and we are moving on. Thank you all for your best wishes and the sincere advice. I really appreciate it.
...See More
fleurs_gardener
17 years ago
I totally understand how you feel hamsteve. Betrayed by sd.

You have loved and cared for this child for years and now it is almost like she is giving you a slap in the face, saying I don't care that you have been there all these years for me..... I am going to live with my real dad! Thats it, thats all!

Remember she is 16. And girls at that age have the attitude that they honestly know everything there is to be known it this world!

I don't know that it will make a difference if you show her how wrong it would be to go there - that the school isn't so good, etc. etc. etc., that she will have to make new friends, etc.

She wants to go. She thinks it will be great.

Of course, she is too young to know what is best for her , but what can you do?

It doesn't matter what you tell her - it won't change her mind. She doesn't care if it hurts you. Actually, she probably hasn't even thought of that aspect of the situation. Right now, it's her, her, her, her that counts.

You are not out of her life and you never will be because you aren't giving her the big toys. Believe me. My step children (the two i get along with) do appreciate me in ways I would never have thought sometimes. They are older now so they remember things i did or I showed them, even the most simple little thing; it's so sweat when they remind me of stuff like that. They say I am their mother in their heart! I've always told them they are my children in my heart!

Believe me, SD will be crying for your wisdom soon enough, just like she has since she was four.

She loves you but right now she also thinks she loves her biodad. We'll see.

It is good to detach ourselves with love from the people we love and who hurt us sometimes unintentionally or intentionally.

Bonne journÃ©e.
hamsteve
Original Author
17 years ago
Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming!
An update on my situation. Things are getting more confusing to say the least.

SD has moved the date of her departure (to go to FL to live with BioDad) twice now. First the date was after Christmas day, now it is right after New Years so that she can spend New Years with her steady boyfriend. Obviously things are not, and never have been, oppressive to SD at our home. SD has developed her first real steady boyfriend, both 17 yr's old, and they see each other most every day. They have played by the rules and we basically like the young man. Yet, SD is still openly planning to move in with BioDad in FL. Leaving behind not only her friends, her mother and me, and now her first steady boyfriend of 3 months now. We just can't understand why SD is willing to leave so much behind to go live in FL where she will start over, mid-year in 11th grade, have to make new friends, just to get some big ticket toys. I am so disappointed in her decision. I do believe that she will move.

BioDad has told SD that he is going to place her in a church group, force her to be active in his ("born again" style) church, and that he will allow her to live in the "private apartment mother-in-law suite" in his new "country club" style home. SD will atend the local public High School, and BioDad is supposedly promising a "white jeep" and a cell phone with unlimited minutes, new fancy bedroom furniture, a couch in her "apartment", etc. BioDad is also saying that he will "make her successful in school so that she doesn't just have to marry for money" Really! This is all so weird to us. We were active in a church (Methodist) and SD refused to go after she turned 15.

Why in the world is SD willing to walk away from her life with us, and into this situation I describe in FL? And leave her boyfriend behind explaining to us "if it was meant to be, it will last." SD is definitely planning to move on Jan 3rd now, and the plans are all seemingly in motion. Funny thing is, SD is apparently not returning BioDad's phone calls very often. SD is still telling us she is definitely moving. What in the world do you think is going on here? Thanks for your ideas and insight!
sweeby
17 years ago
Not to get your hopes up, but it sounds to me like SD may be "all talk"...

Now that things are coming down to the wire, the scary realities may be setting in, and she may actually be realizing that being "born again" into a whole other life isn't really what she wants. But she isn't willing to lose face yet by admitting she was wrong. She has verbally defied you and asserted her independence by stating that she will move -- Verbally she has 'taken control of her life' -- but she may not be quite emotionally ready to follow through.

Is there any way you could engineer a face-saving way for her to change her mind? It would have to be a 'no-pressure' thing where she would in no way be seen as 'giving in' to parental pressure -- What about 'The Prom'? or 'Spring Break in Florida'? (Easter at a born again church could be an eye opener.) Any opportunity you can think of that would get her to choose to 'delay' the move -- but not make it look like you're wanting to control her.

Help! 17 yo SD Moving Away To Live With Crazy Absentee Father

Comments (5)

brass_tacks

jerseystepmom

Related Discussions

fleurs_gardener

hamsteve
Original Author

sweeby

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Help! 17 yo SD Moving Away To Live With Crazy Absentee Father

Comments (5)

brass_tacks

jerseystepmom

Related Discussions

fleurs_gardener

hamsteveOriginal Author

sweeby

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

hamsteve
Original Author