It's a shame that some people are so self centered they can't see the pain they cause their child. Regardless of how little she calls or visits, they still ache and yearn for the love, no matter how little, that a parent gives. It's truly sad for the child and I wouldn't cut the bm out because it's really up to the child to decide if the bm has caused her so much pain & heartache that she no longer wants to see her. If you keep her mom away, she may still hold on to the hope that mom wants to see her but you won't let her and she could resent you for that. The hardest thing in the world is watching someone you love suffer like that and it's best to just be supportive. You need to hold to your boundaries and let her call during reasonable hours, etc. and she will act like she's the victim because it may make her feel like she's trying to be a good parent and you're not letting her. Though most good parents know that kids should be in bed at a reasonable hour and wouldn't call that late.

she ignores her because she is self centered. She may be interested because she's about to give birth and she's going to try the mom thing again, but when she gets tired of that or it's too hard, she'll probably go back to being absent. What I would do in your situation is to be pleasant to bm and ignore her attitude. She may be like a teenager (rebelliously) that does something just because you say she can't. Eventually, she'll go away again and in the meantime, tell SD that your sure her mom loves her in her own way. Sometimes people do things that they shouldn't and don't understand the consequences to others, like their children. Tell her you wish her mom was the kind of mom she wants her to be and your'e sorry that she's been hurt. That it hurts you to see her get hurt. Kids need to know that bm loves them, that what all kids want, both parents to love them. BM may not know how to be a mom and I don't know if she truly loves the child but telling a child otherwise is harmful to the child. BM may not show love like most parents but that doesn't mean she doesn't love her. She just sounds very self centered to me. of course, I can't imagine a mom not loving her child.

She called to tell you she's expecting a baby?

not to check on her daughter?

I used to think you (I) could talk people into feeling the right things & doing the right things, but really, it can't be done.

This mother is calling now because
1. You pressured her to do so &
2. There's the opportunity for drama & limelight.

Concentrate on your stepdaughter, help her grow up strong & beautiful, & when she feels down or sad about her mother, get her to moving:

bicycling, skating, playing a game, & baking or cooking are all conducive to healing, to feeling good, & to getting on with life.

I wish you the best.

Some people act certain way because they do not know any better, BM obviously does not know any better, but what a damage to a poor girl. Awful. I hope that your place in child's life helps her to deal with it. Makes me very sad. SD is lucky she has you in her life.

Well the baby was born and bm's family e-mailed pictures to my sd. My sd checked her e-mail and began crying. I asked her what was wrong and she pointed to the picture of her mom and the new baby girl. She said "look at the happy family...she has a new girl now who she loves and does not need me anymore!"

I felt so bad for her I cried with her and just hugged her and told her that everyone loves her, even her mom.
Her mom called today and my dh gave the phone to sd. She answered it and told her mom she did not feel like talking. Her mom must have askeed her why because she then told her how mad she is at her and what a bad mom she is. Then my sd hung up and ran to her room and I hear her crying. My dh and I are at a loss for words.

it is so sad that it makes me wanting to cry. frankly some people should not be allowed to have children ata all. i wish there was some kind of law that if you abandon one child you are not allowed to have kids anymore. i hope you can find ways to comfort your daughter.

I too wish there was some kind of a law to prevent this from happening to other kids. It breaks my heart to watch my sd suffer because of this selfish woman. I wish that we could get her to either be in her daughters life regularly or just completely get out of it. The in and out stuff is what is most painful for my sd.