OMG, this woman sounds like my hubbys ex.

We worked around her work schedule for 6 months, she always made sure her days off were when school was out so she would have 4 day weekends. We asked for one to go to our cabin to see snow and she refused...

So we took our arrangement to court and go set days.. Kids need a schedule, she keeps him up late she bi mom does his homework for him (hes 6) he stays home from school for stupid reasons... DH finally said everytime he stays home from school he making a doctors appointment to see why he is always sick with her... Well needless to say it took 3 doctors appointments and he hasnt been sick anymore (shes a nurse)

DH called BM last night to remind her about soccer practice and to tell her there was a SAC meeting at the school. She said you and your new wife an do all that I dont have time to... BM works 2 days on 2 days off.... and every other week she has 3 days off....

I AM TIRED OF LIVING MY LIFE AROUND HER SCHEDULE....

I hear you on the desire for consistency in schedules!!
We pretty much live our lives around BM's schedule and it gets frustrating... But, for us, it's worth it because it's best for A__.
If we were rigid and wouldn't accommodate BM's random work schedule, then A__ would spend a lot of time at GM's again, and that's asking for trouble.

But I understand your frustration and hope it all works well for you. I guess you and DH need to find the fine line between being a hard-a$$ and getting walked all over.
Good luck!

First, take a deep breath.

Since you are used to the kids being with you 24/7, your husband might tell her to give her schedule to him each week so he can arrange times that fit the kids (and your) schedule. That way, she gets time on her days off but it's at your family's convenience. Maybe your husband can set some ground rules like if her days off are during the week, they can only stay from after school/activity until 8pm so they can be back home to get enough sleep. I wouldn't count on her to do any of the 'responsibilities' like homework & getting them to practice/games... at least until she proves she is going to make the kids a priority.

I've also found that the more you say no or argue (even if you are right and she knows it), the more she will dig her heels in and make life difficult for you. 99% of the things BM says/does are designed to get a reaction from us. We are learning to just say 'okay' and ignore her. (not that it doesn't piss us off, but we don't react to her AT ALL)

Good luck.

My dh does need to find a happy spot in-between being a hard a$$ and being a doormat for bm. The problem is that when she lived here before he was a doormat. And she did not take care of responsibilities with the kids.

If they had any activity on her weekend then she would not take them to it. So sd's would not rsvp for b-day parties. Then bm would not show up and they were doulbe upset because not only did bm not come but they also missed a party they could have gone to!

Many times she did not show up for her weekend and did not call to say she was not coming. Other times she showed up on random days demanding to take the kids right then (like she had no access to a phone to call and make plans).

If she had them on school nights they would stay up late and either miss school completely the next day or go to school late because bm did not get up on time.

With homework my sd has adhd and bm would get frustrated helping her with homework so she would just tell sd to forget it. Then older sd would also ask if she could just forget doing her hw and bm would say ok. So then they come home the next day and have 2 days of homework for us to get through with them! Then they get this attitude that school is not important and lets "ditch" today and go do something fun like bm does with us! We tell them that going fun places is for afterschool or weekends. And we try to stress the importance of an education. Then we are the bad guys. I think bm told them once that we are "nazi's" and we run our home like bootcamp!

Guess that means bootcamp is when homework gets done, showers are taken, people clean up their own messes, kids sleep 9-10 hours a night, and everyone gets up on time in the morning and goes to school/work?? Its not like we do not have fun with the kids each night. We always play a board game or video game with the kids each night. We eat dinner together and talk.

This is a familiar story. Your situation is exactly like the one that I face with my ex and my husband faces with his. It's been a long string of missed activities, wrecked events and overdue homework. AND, I know exactly what you mean about boot camp at our house because I live the same way. It's exhausting and it creates lots of tension between us and the kids.

All that unreliability and irresponsibility adds up to one thing - personality disorder. You have a tough situation on your hands and you need to set big boundaries and work hard to enforce them.

My best advice is to create a schedule and stick to it. If she wants to be a parent, then she'll have to find a job that allows her to give her kids some consistency. We had a similar problem with my husband's ex for a while. She liked working in a bar/restaurant - the nightlife, the attention etc. That meant calls every week to drop the kids off so that she could "take a shift". Our house was a like a revolving door and the kids were scrambled (yes - both are ADHD, surprise surprise) Finally, after a few months, it was time to create some order out of the chaos. We set a big boundary - we will only permit a change in the schedule provided it meets three criteria:

1. We get 7 days notice
2. We don't swap periods of shorter than a full week (so if she wants to drop the kids on a Friday to go out, then we keep them for a week and she gets them back the following Friday for a week - no negotiation. If she gets below 40% of time, no child support that month)
3. We never take the kids to enable the BM to work a shift in a bar because that's encouraging a poor lifestyle.

For a while she screamed on the phone and begged. One time she stood in the middle of the front yard screaming. Anyway, after a few months, she gave up a found a day job in an office. It was a great improvement all around - especially for the kids.

The moral of the story is - you have a loser on your hands and you can't let her set the agenda or your life will be in chaos. You create the schedule, set the rules and then be absolutely tough in enforcing them.

The kids will miss birthday parties, activities and they'll be late for school. We've done everything we can, but that has proven to be unavoidable and it's caused huge stress. However, I have found some relief by getting help from the community. I now work with the school and they help out. I send notes to let them know when my daughter will be with her father and they accommodate by shifting homework and projects. The piano teacher and the dance teacher are both fully aware of the situation and they try to accommodate as well. All the other parents in our community figured out that there were problems and they were only too happy to help by scheduling activities around the other parent and making "special" calls to encourage attendance at parties and activities. One time, a mom sent a "special" birthday invitation to my stepdaughter with the wrong time on it - because she knew the BM would be an hour late. It doesn't always work - but sometimes it does and it helps to feel like you're not alone.

Hand in there. You're not a Nazi. You're the real parent and the kids will be grateful in the long run.

I agree, set some boundaries and stick to them. You've bee down this road with her before and you know what will happen if you don't. Don't let it turn your lives into chaos. Kids need boundaries and schedules so they know what to expect..

Good luck to you, I expect it will be quite trying for awhile.

~Cat