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Keeping a relationship with stepchild after relationship ends

11 years ago

I don't know if this is the right place to post, but here it goes.

I was with my ex for the past 11 years. Two months after we met his ex gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on my birtday. They broke up when she was 2 months pregnant, so I thought it was over (it was). A few months later, we moved in together and when she was 4 months old he got full placement of her. Since that time, she has lived with me all but one year of her life when he moved out for a year while we still dated (yes - we had issues).

We had a bunch of problems over the years, but for the last 4 or so I guess you could say we were in a comfort zone. He started drinking more and more and would only have fun when he drank and I didn't drink. We became distant over the years and didn't talk like we use to and what is needed to make a relationship work. He proposed 4 times and I said we would get married at some point, but some things needed to change (he was bad with his money and drinking more with each passing year). About 2 months ago he started working out of town spending all of his time at the bar when he wasn't working. I guess he rediscovered himself and is a new person now. In mid september we got in a arguement, he told me he didn't love me, didn't want a house, a family, pets, marriage, to save money, to get out of debt, he is done having children (we talked for years about having a child together and were planning to next year), he wanted to purchase a motorcycle, get lots of tattoos and that he was leaving. He told his daughter he would get an apartment in our town so she could go to the same school and she would stay with her grandma until he came back from working out of town.

A few days later I found out that at the end of August he met a bartender and was in a relationship with her and she had posted on her facebook a few days before he broke up with me that he was with her. A week after moving out of my house and taking his daughter to his mom's house, he stopped in to tell his daughter they were moving in with his new girlfriend and he introduced his daugther to his new gf. Then, a week ago (two weeks after he left) he picked most of their stuff up from my house, picked his child up from his mothers, pulled his daughter out of the school she has attended since kindergarten, moved in with the gf in a town 2 hours away, and put her in a new school.

Come to find out the gf is a drunk. She is a bartender and spends all her time in the bar. He is spending a lot of time in the bar too. I have also talked to his daughter's mother and we found out the gf was arrested and charged with DUI and child endangerment for picking up her kids drunk from school 2 years ago. His family and his daughter's mother have met the new gf and all she talks about is drinking and partying. Mind you, I don't drink and I am a homebody type person, so this is not the life the child is accustomed to. When we were together, he went to the bar at most once per week and I think his daughter picked up on my idea that the bar wasn't the place parents should spend all their time particularly when the kids are still awake. I believe in family dinners.

Anyways, I now talk to her almost every day. It is so hard cause I know what happened to her is wrong. You can't pull a kid out of one family and toss them into a new one in 2 weeks. I don't tell her this as I know it will not help her feel better. Her mother is asking me for help to get her taken away from her father (my ex). Her father (my ex) told me that if I talk to his mother or his daughter's mother he will make sure I never see her again. I'm so worried for her safety at this point as it seems he is having a mid-life crisis.

Should I stay out of it and just be supportive for my stepdaughter when we text, chat, or e-mail (we weren't married, but she calls me her stepmom)? He had worked out of town for about 1 year of the past 3 while I stayed at home taking care of her (she only visits mom 2 weekends a month). It feels like I have lost my own child and that she is being thrown into a world that is very bad. What is worse, the new gf has a 12 year old who is very bad and into boys and all types of things. She is being left at home alone most of the time with this 12 year old. I'm so scared my stepdaughter will follow in her footsteps (she's 11).

Has anyone dealt with something similar? Any thoughts on how I should deal with staying out of it or getting involved?

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