Looooong Story: Relationship Advice
moonfal
8 years ago
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Comments (11)
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Am I in an Abusive Relationship, Please Help!!
Comments (17)Asolo, I am not planning to stay eight months, I am LEAVING sooner than you think I thought that this forum was supposed to supportive and non judgmental. I thought wrong, I shared my trouble to help guide me into the right direction, sorry that I shared. I do know how to write a paragraph, I just did not focus on grammar and the correct format my passage should be. I am sorry that my husband has taken everything else away from me and I am trying to hold onto something that is dear to me that will make my children�s life better financially! I have plan�s on talking to women shelters to see if I can still pursue my degree because I am so closed to finishing!! I have only taken one picture of my child�s arm and this is so that I have proof!!! I want to make sure that my husband will never be allowed to have custody of them, NEVER!!! So I am trying everything in my power to get out of here and have proof to protect my children�s FUTURE!!!! This is the first time I have ever posted this information about my life on a forum and this will be the LAST!!!...See MoreHelp with my daugther and our relationship
Comments (20)I do agree that it might be time to seek professional help. The mother-daughter relationship is known to get more stressful in the teen years, and based on where you are starting, that's not good. In the meantime, I have a suggestions. Start a communication journal with your daughter. Like a 2-way diary. You start by writing a note to her in a notebook, journal, whatever you want to use. End with a question for her to answer. Rules: 1. She can write anything she wants to write. 2. But you cannot write anything negative. I know it's not fair, but that's how it has to work. ;o) 3. Each entry, from both of you, must answer a question and ask a question. This needs to be a safe place for her, so she can write anything she is thinking. But she needs to know that every time she opens that journal she is going to find supportive words you wrote about her. (A girl might have days when she just needs to read those words over and over again.) Make your first entries about your favorite memories of her, what about her makes you proud, what she should hear about herself that she might not hear every day. Make your first questions to her benign, open-ended questions, nothing too deep until she starts to get more personal with her entries. Follow her lead. So start with questions like "Who is your favorite teacher, why?" or "Describe the character from a book who is most like you." Other questions that might give you insight into her thinking, "What was the best and worst thing that happened this week?" "The things I wish my mom understood about me are....." "I just hate when this happens...." "My favorite day would be..." "I am thankful for ..." Ask a variety of questions that will give a chance to think about the positive, as well as vent about what upsets her. Make a positive comment about her answers, but do not judge them. Let her know she can ask you whatever questions she wants to ask in this journal. Write every couple days. Answer her quickly, but give her a couple days to answer you. When she starts in verbally with attitude, suggest that she write it down then you will read it. That will make her think it through, and calm her down. She is allowed to leave the journal with you and leave the room, she doesn't have to stand and watch you read it. In fact, it's might be best sometimes if you are not together, then you cannot speak out without thinking it through first. I think this will be good for both of you. It will make communication less confrontational, it will give her a place to vent, it will make you stop and reflect on the qualities you treasure about your DD, and it will put those positives right in front of her face, to read over and over, boosting her self-esteem. When the mood swings happen, stay calm, speak in whispers, focus on the immediate behavior not past behavior or generalizations about her character. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use a sense of humor. Before you say a word, think to yourself what message you want to send, not just what is popping into your head in anger. Fewer words is better. Something like a word for every year of age, plus or minus a couple. My DD is almost 8 and has her moments already, too. She is not as extreme with me as you describe (yet). Her teacher says she "wishes every student were like her." But DD saves the mean streak for home. She will demand my attention when I'm otherwise occupied, pitch a dramatic fit over homework that I know she can do, give me "the look" when I ask her to do a chore, pick on her younger brother out of boredom, and all those mean stunts. I feel like we're at a fork in the road. I can control what direction we take by how I respond to her "tests." I try to teach her self-calming techniques. I tell her to go outside, get some fresh air, write, read, listen to music. I know the behavior she is capable of, so I expect it as much as possible. No one is perfect, though, we all have our meltdowns from time to time. But we don't have the right to impose our meltdowns on other people, that's what I want her to learn. I remind her make HERSELF proud of her behavior. Sometimes I ask "What would you say to a friend who acted like you're acting right now?" Once, when she was whining about something or other, I told her "Whine louder, cuz you know it helps." She stopped instantly, confused, and said "No, it doesn't." Good answer! So why are you whining? Now I tell my kids that every time they whine. They will say it to other people who are whining! LOL! Geez, that was longer than I planned. Hope something in my rambling was helpful. Good luck!...See MoreDesign Pros. Do You ever severe the relationship? When?
Comments (15)Yup. Not nearly as often as I would have liked to, however! Usually there is something that doesn't go as you'd like it to, and so you flex, and solve the problems, and pretend to be unruffled by it all, and then go home and mix a nice big fat martini... I have fired three, however. The first, for whom I was doing a master bedroom and sitting room, I fired because she and her husband fought over everything. First they argued strenuously, in front of me, over what furniture to keep and what to replace, turned to me demanding that I settle it, and apologized when I said, calmly and sweetly, that I thought we ought to take it up again tomorrow. A week later, they had a huge dust-up over paint color, and fired my painter without speaking to me. When they started barking at each other over the budget, and refused to pay the 50% I require up front for major furniture orders, I packed up my samples and told them that I really thought they were not ready to take on the project, and that I was booked solid for the rest of the year, and that perhaps they should make other arrangements. Thankfully, they paid the final bill. I expect they were too embarrassed to call me again. They are no longer married to each other, I should add. The second I fired after she gave me the go-ahead on a basement family room, and then "surprised" me by buying things that were "similar, and I got such a great price!" effectively cutting me out of the profit I make on the job when I work on a labor-and-materials-plus basis. After several of these little surprises (which were also affecting the look of the whole business, and not in a good way!), I proposed that she pay a design fee for the drawings and materials lists and proceed on her own, at which point she looked at me, bewildered, and said, "But you didn't say anything about a design fee!" I told her I would really love to give my design work away for free, but that unfortunately it's the only thing I have to sell... Finally, after I billed her, and billed her, and added 5% to the third one, she paid. The fourth I fired because she dithered and dithered and said yes, and then called and said no, wait, and because she couldn't seem to find her checkbook, and then when she did make a choice, wanted it done in twenty minutes. When one of her dogs stained a pale rug she chose over my objections, she wanted it cleaned or replaced at my expense. I politely declined. Then she did me the huge favor of bouncing a large check, thereby giving me the excuse I needed. But except for those rather wacky and unpleasant people, solving the inevitable problems that arise was often a big part of the satisfaction of the work, and helped forge the relationships that make a practice succeed. I still count many of my old clients among my friends....See MoreRelationship with Adult Stepchildren
Comments (43)I encourage my DH to spend times alone with his kids. I've been brought up to realize that not everyone should be included. Like my own son. I love him but i dont want him stuck to my hip! I like my alone time and i like time with my husband. Other times i just want time with the gals. So i think on that end i would agree with some posters that your Dh should spend time with his girls. What i do also understand is why your Dh wont cause it makes him uncomfortable with her physically touching him like that. This is not normal and rubbing and flopping in her daddy's lap at her age is cause for concern. So your DH refuses the ' date' because he sees it as an encouragement for thsi odd behaviour and i agree with him to refuse. But he should refuse explaining exactly why because of his discomfort not because you are excluded. ANd i do not like the way your SD blunted said you are exclude. Because she obviously has issues with you and she could have used different words such as ' Dad ,i'ld like some time alone just the two of us ifyou dont mind. And maybe another time we can all go out but i need some one on one advice and time from you as my father. ' And yes, my husband is exactly like yours most of the time. He is aloof with his own brothers and sisters. Which i'm not used because i'm close with my family and do not mind if they drop by. He does. He likes his alone time with me only.WHich drives me nuts cause i do not like anyone stuck to my hip. I think balance in everything is healthy. Too much of anything is not. Whether it be a person, a computer, a drink, food tect..etc... In the end. If your husband is not comfortable in going out with his daughters whether you have been invited or not, its his perogative to say no. Its just too bad that you are the scapegoat when he does decline. Or words it in such a way the way he did. Your DH defines himself with you. and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like my husband. If i'mnot invited, he tells people to take a hike. I'm proud of him for it but sad at the same time because he should define himself alone not just with me. I guess its to each their own. And how they want to live. You cannot force anyone to phone people whetther its their own family or friends. I used to remind my husband, phone your kids, but now i dont....i should not be his mother. I'm his wife and itshis responsibility to phone his kids. If he doesn't , then its not my fault. Its his and his kids know it. ANyways..we're on vacation! And we're off to the mall to putts around on a rainy icky day! Chin up, dont worry about yoru SD. Let your husband handle it. Even if he doesn't handle it perfectly, its stillhis call in the end....See MoreUser
8 years agolast modified: 8 years agonycefarm
8 years agomoonfal
8 years agoWhitelacey
8 years ago
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