Have you considered getting you and your daughter into therapy to deal with the issues the two of you are having. Your daughter is at an age that girls are an emotional wreck anyway! But, maybe she is feeling your resentment at her reaction to the divorce and it has just escalated. It sounds to me like you really need to work through the issues with your own daughter before you can work on any other relationships. Your daughter is still very young and needs help to work through her confusion and anger.

These are painful feelings and ones that need to be nurtured before you get married again. They say time heals all wounds, but that's only true if you use the right kind of healing balm. Your daughter may always be angry about the divorce, but she can't stop you from loving her. Even if she throws your love back in your face, you still have to do everything in your power to show her that she is loved to the ends of the earth by you. She's YOUR child...you are not HER child. Even if there is a counselor involved who says that you should abide by her rules, the fact is that you should not feel like you can't send her letters, see her, and tell her you love her. Over time, YOU will begin to feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted from your soul because you have done everything to show her your love. This is where your biggest issue lies and once you have begun to heal in this area, your life with your fiance and his children will become real and genuine.

Thank you so much for you replies. It helps a lot to get feedback from others. Problem with my daughter too is...her dad doesn't want me in her life. He denies this of course but it is apparent to everyone what he has done. In the beginning she was confused and angry at us both and then as time went on..she wanted to be with him more and more. He tells me that she is old enough to make her own decisions about who she wants to be with and that I should not force her to do something she doesn't want to do. This started when she was only 6 years old! I tried to be nice to him about it and I kept picking her up and spending time with her depsite how she or he felt. After several months went by I noticed her changing a lot. She was terrified for him and I to be in the same room together, she didn't want me to come to the school to see her for lunch, she asked me stop calling her and not to buy her anything ever again. I went to attorneys, counselors..etc and never got anywhere with it. I've been told to give her space and let her come around when she is ready. Almost 4 years have gone by though and I don't know if I can keep doing this. I miss her so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I am lost without her and I do think that is why I have trouble with my fiance's children. They seem to stress me out more than what they should and it is probably because I keep asking myself "why can't my daughter be here with me...why do I have to plant flowers with someone else's little girl or bake cookies with someone else's little girl?". Why me? I married someone that it didn't work out with...we lasted for almost 12 years and it just didn't work. Why do I have to loose my daughter though because I couldn't make my marriage work? I think I have become very bitter and angry inside. I have been to see counselors but I feel that nothing is going to fix this. My family tells me that I am punishing myself and probably will forever. Therefore I feel I will never be happy and wonder if getting married and being a SM to twins is a good idea for anyone. As much as I have tried to let go and just be happy...I can't. I tell my daughter all the time....usually on her voicemail...that I Love her and that I am here for her. I have asked her to forgive me for the divorce. She shuts me out though still and is very cold when she does speak to me. My problems with her is controlling my entire life.

I have joint custody of my son. We each have him for the same amount of time (Monday to Monday). In the beginning it was hard for our son to not be scared and angry. He certainly thought that I was the bad guy and that I left his dad. It seems that Mom's always get a raw deal because we are usually the disciplinarians, the ones that can distinguish between being a parent and being a friend. It seems that your ex (as does mine) plays this role with your daughter. I almost got caught up in the "it's in the best interest of the child" windstorm and almost let my son spend more time with his dad because that's what my son wanted to do...at the very impressionable age of 5. He would cry his little eyes out and make me feel so sorry for him...but one day he said it was because when he's with dad they get to play video games all day. That was it...the key to my heartbreak for my son's happiness lay in the fact that my son was having more fun with his dad than with me. I stopped feeling so heavy hearted and realized that it's generally the adults that make it difficult for the child to accept the situation and there is usually one parent that kind of hypnotizes/bribes the children into thinking that they are the better parent. I know this is convoluted but I think that it's time to put your foot down with the arrangements to see one another, and stop being so very hard on yourself. You won't be giving up on your daughter for the sake of your own happiness because that will never happen but you should try to believe that putting your foot down with your husband about trying to build back up your very important relationship with your daughter is not forcing her to do anything that you as her mother does not see as necessary.

"My problems with her is controlling my entire life."

You hit the nail on the head there.

Whatever the reasons for the estrangement, & it does sound like you have been deeply wronged, your emotions over your daughter are destroying your quality of life & will destroy your relationship with your fiance.

Bless her & let her go & trust in God or the great universe to grant her clear vision & wisdom as she matures.

& meanwhile live your own life to the fullest & give yourself a chance to be happy with your fiance & his children.

a sort of similar tale:

A wise younger woman once told me, when I wasn't able to let go of a big choking chunk of anger, that she had had a very difficult time with her mother, who was an expert control freak who had micro-managed this young woman & had manipulated her like a puppet...

In other words, the young woman had reason to be angry.

but she told me that she finally realized that, by staying angry, she was giving her mother "free rent in her head", that her mother was *still* controlling her, without lifting a finger, that she, the young woman, was churning up her own emotions & doing her mother's dirty work for her!

& so she evicted the problem from her mind & started noticing & enjoying the wonderful things in her day-to-day life.

I wish you the very best.

Did you move out and leave your daughter behind? Is that why she is angry?

So, are you saying that you don't have any visitation or contact at all (other than voicemail)???? At 10 years old your daughter CANNOT and should not make any sort of decisions pertaining to visitation, custody, or anything else. These are adult decisions and should be handled by a judge if you cannot come to an agreement between your ex and you! At that age (and definitely at the age of 6) a child is too easily influenced by gifts and promises and, yes, especially lies. You need to fight for the right to have an ordered visitation schedule that allows you specific times to see your daughter and MAKE your ex abide by it. Your daughter may be angry at first and may sulk, but if you give her a chance to spend time with you and you can show her how much you truly love her by giving her the one-on-one attention she needs from you, she may eventually start letting go of some of that anger and start to see your side of the story. I can imagine if you have had little to no contact with your daughter since she was 6 years old, she is probably feeling abandoned by you and that is what is behind the anger. Stop letting your ex manipulate the situation and demand the time with your daughter. How can either one of you be expected to heal from the past or bond if you cannot spend time together?

I have joint custody of her. The only reason I never went for full custody is because her dad and I agreed to never try to keep her away from the other parent. I wanted her to have a good relationship with him as well as myself. He constantly accused me of doing things behind his back...like having an affair. He would come home from work (he worked 3rd shift) and check the house for signs of someone else having been there. Which no one had but he did not believe me. He would count the eggs in the egg carton (seriously!) check my cell phone, smell my clothes in the dirty hamper....crazy things like that. Originally when we made the decision to divorce (well I made the decision) I stayed in our house with my daughter for a couple of weeks. My ex would pop in in the middle of night or would just hang around even though he agreed to move out. I think he did that thinking I would come around eventually and he could move back in and we would patch everything up. Well that was not what I wanted. Plus his parents lived one road over...so avoiding him was almost impossible. I made the decision then to move out myself and get an apartment. My daughter had her own room and she did come and stay with me some in the beginning. As time went on...she started becoming more distant though and not wanting to come over. Sometimes I think even scared to come over. I firmly believe that this was all because of her dad. For example-

He came by the apartment one night and she was going to visit with me (it was actually his night to have her). So..he dropped her off while he was supposed to be going to the store. Well...he got to the apartment and saw that my sister was there visiting with me and she wanted to see my daughter. Well...my ex hates my family just because they are my family. They have never done anything to him. They don't like him but they have never done anything to him though. He created a big scene. After my daughter being in the house for 10 mins...he began banging on my front door demanding that our daughter leave with him right then. My sister asked him to please not create a scene in front of my daughter and he basically gave her a piece of his mind and threaten to physically hurt her (my sister) by motioning for her to come out side and settle it with him. He continued on ranting and raving until finally we had to call the police to resolve the problem. By this point my daughter is a nervous wreck and so was I. My ex made my daughter believe that all of that was my fault that night and that mommy wants the police to take him away from her. This is just one example of several that have happened.

We went back to court about 6 months after the divorce because he wouldn't let me see her (he denies that though). The judge ruled that I was contempt of court because I did not forcefully drag my daughter out of her dad's home when I was supposed to get her. I didn't drag her out of his home because I am afraid of him and I think she is too. He is very hot headed even though he claims that he walks the straight and narrow line and is a Christian. I am terrifed of what he will say or do to her once he gets her back. I do think she loves me and misses me but is a afraid that he will be angry with her for feeling that way. It is a very, very hard situation for me to deal with. I have to take a deep breathe sometimes throughout the day and tell myself everything will be alright. I don't know what the best thing is to do anymore. My attorney said legally he can't keep her from me but the emotional part of it is not something that the court system will deal with. Their job is just to make sure you get the child when you are supposed to. If my daughter gets angry or if he gets angry..they can't help me there. Which I knew that but I am so scared of how he may be treating her. I keep thinking that everytime I call her...he standing there telling her "don't answer that phone!". I can't prove that but I know how he is better than anyone and he is capable of manipulating her. He did it to me for years. I would like to think that he wouldn't do that to our daughter-but my gut feeling says he would. So...over time it went from me getting her and taking her school (doing the mommy thing) to calling every night at 8:30pm (that was the time my ex said I needed to call if I wanted to call) and I get a voicemail almost everytime. The only time she answers the phone is if I leave a message saying that I am coming up to her school to eat lunch with her. She will answer the phone the next night only to tell me not to come up to the school. I don't know how to get through to her anymore.

From everything I have read, it is always a mistake to leave the marital home if you are seeking custody.

If you think your daughter may be being abused, the last thing you want to do is withdraw from her. Show up at school. You are allowed to see her, at least in the office. If you have joint physical custody, they should let you take her home from school. I think you need a more aggressive lawyer.

My heart goes out to you. Please seek another attorney. Even if she wont see you, contact her school. Let them know you want contact.

I have thought many times of just showing up at her school regardless of what she says or what her dad says about it. I do have joint physical custody so I know that I have rights but the last time I went to her school to eat lunch with her....she started crying. She was telling me that her dad may be up there that same day to eat lunch and that I needed to leave. I didn't though...I stayed and he never showed up. She made a strange comment though to me while walking to the lunch room...she said "Well it is ok for you to stay...I just won't tell daddy". That has stayed in my head ever since. I tried talking to the school counselor and she advised to get another attorney. Which is what I think I am going to have to do. I guess due to all this going on..it makes it so hard to think about marriage again and being a SM to twins. I just don't know if I can do it. I want to be a mother to my own daughter not someone else's child. By being a SM to his kids I feel like I am trying to replace my child. I love my fiance but things are becoming strained between us and I think it is because I am on edge not knowing what to do.

This is a situation where you MUST find a way to keep in contact with her! I hope you are documenting EVERYTHING. Every conversation you have had with XH, every time you call, everything that is said to you.

I agree with some of the other people who have responded to you, you MUST find a better lawyer. You need to show that XH is the one keeping daughter from you. You need to take control of this situation and DEMAND the time with your daughter. You are the only one who can make this happen.

Good luck with everything. I sure hope this turns around for you soon and you can start spending some quality time with your daughter. You cannot control what happens in your XH's house, but you can control the love you show to your daughter when she is with you and you can document everything you know about...even things your daughter tells you.