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bookworm_2007 can I let go of these feelings?

16 years ago

I am new to this forum and I found it by seeking out information on how to deal with stepchildren. Let me start by saying I am divorced and have a 10 year old daughter. My daughter was 6 at the time her dad and I separated. It has changed my relationship with her completely. She has been angry and upset with me for 3 to 4 years now. There have been so many problems that it would take me forever to even mention them all. Basically she has cut me out of her life because I divorced her dad. Dealing with that has been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I feel like I am mourning for her I have totally lost her. the meantime though I did meet someone and he and I get along wonderfully. We are engaged to be married. He has helped me through a lot of painful times in regards to my daughter. He has twins from a previous marriage. They are now 6 years old (boy and girl). For the first year or so I never met them and now 2 and a half years later they are staying with us at our home when he has them. Which is every other weekend. I am really having to fight a lot of emotions and angry feelings. I resent that they are in my home and I have to pretend to be a SM (even though we aren't married yet). I want to do the things with my daughter that his kids want me to do with them. Even the smallest things like doing their laundry and cooking dinner for them..brings back all the memories of my little girl. I am stressed on the weekends that his kids aren't there because I know that they will be there the next weekend. Then I am stressed when they are there of course and I find myself counting down the time until they go back to their BM. They are very needy and clingy to their dad due to their BM not being a real good mom to them. I do feel sorry for them and that their lives are turned upside down but I just can't make myself accept them. I feel awful that I feel this way and I have tried for a long time to change the way I think and feel...I just can't do it. My fiance has been wanting to get married for over a year now and I keep putting it off because I am so afraid that I won't be able to handle the kids being around. I think a lot of it jealousy. I miss having a family. I don't want a blended family. I always loved the idea of a husband and wife raising THEIR children together. I will never have that obviously since my child's father and I am divorced now. I just don't know what to do from here. I love my fiance but I worry more that I will marry him and hurt him down the road when I reach the end of the road and have to walk away. Do I feel this way because I miss my own child so much that I can never let anyone's else child in? If so....I don't think I will ever get past that.

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