Adult Step Children

15 years ago

Hi, I'm new here, my name is Connie and I need some advice. I have been married and step - mom to three kids,now grown and gone for 12 years. I have 8 children in addition, 7 from my first marriage and 1 from my current - and final - marriage.

My youngest step-daughter had lived with us for the past three years and since has graduated. She recently moved out of state to live with relatives and is happy there. She has essentially cut off all communication with her two SSister's at home and me. She still talks to her dad. The aunt she lives with is condoning this behavior. My daughters at home are devastated. I am angry and was told by the aunt after writing notes to both my step D's about their behavior. My older SD got herself pregnant and moved away too. Now we are all the "bad people". Hey, if they want to leave fine, but now all of a sudden we're trash? The older SD never lived with us and has always been difficult.

My problem is not how they treat me, but how they've treated their step and half siblings. The younger sd was very close with her step sis here and has basically said I have no free time for you. My dau. is crushed.

However, both these girls still talk to their dad and i feel if he doesn't confront his aunt or them about their behavior he is condoning it.

I'm really frustrated.. the only time we ever have had serious arguments over the 12 years is about his kids. While mine have made some bad choices too, it has never been toward the step kids, but toward us.

My notes (short, one to each) to these girls said basically that I was surprised by their behavior and that they should remember that there are people here who still love them besides their dad and brother. Here is the note I got from the Aunt in response to my notes to my SD's (they have not replied themselves) and my reply:

FROM AUNT:

The recent note you sent the girls has weighed heavy on my heart. I really wanted to address this with you, but felt I would wait until after ----'s wedding.

I guess the first thing I would request is that you don't send these criticizing notes anymore. The girls are obviously and painfully aware that you feel this way. I know that "step parenting" can be an unsatisfying process when you sense the step kids are either un-accepting of you or reject your guidance or relationship. Clearly this has been ongoing for many years, with both of these young women - for maybe the same or different reasons. Truthfully at this point, I get that Stef is an adult, and I trust that she will communicate with who she wants based on feeling safe and genuine with. I get that Older SD was easier to wave goodbye to, and younger SD is less easy to wave goodbye to. They are adults, and they are finding themselves and their true paths to be on, based on speaking the truth, feeling validated, feeling safe and the environment here dissuades alcohol, drugs and objectification of women. We ALL must understand that these young women have paid a huge price for their mom's alcoholism and the difficult relationships their parents have had. It is no surprise that older SD has walked the prior path that she has. I feel horrible that she has suffered the inconsistencies of life. I am sure that one can immediately say, well, these girls need to be personally responsible for their actions. That is certainly an oversimplification, since they FIRST need skills to do just that. They also need to be able to trust the people in their lives.

These girls are safe and adjusting in Location, please let their communications be natural and not forced, otherwise it creates anger Â for all. Older SD and Younger SD DO communicate with DAD, and that is wonderful. Please let them do it under their own desire - it is the respectful thing to do. I don't want their wonderful strides and personal growth undermined. They have suffered enough and I am personally committed to protecting them. If they are communicating with their Dad and telling him what is going on Â leave it at that, please. These women are beautiful, smart, caring and sweet Â which would be all the qualities I would want - if I had daughters. I feel honored to pass some time with them. I understand that my parenting skill set may differ from yours and that is perfectly ok. I encourage you to share this with husband, I know it will speak to his heart and it is the truth. I would ask that you re-energize your focus away from these young women, perhaps to your children Â less resentment that way.

Lastly, I really do get that you are unhappy and feel disrespected, I REALLY hear that . I think your feelings Â are the results of having very wounded step-children. We are sure trying to do some healing here Â these are very good girls with very good hearts.

Thanks for your consideration and understanding.

Aunt

MY REPLY:

Dear Aunt,

I appreciate the fact that you want to protect the girls, but I and my family aren't the ones they need to be protected from.

I'm not sure you realize they have left some very wounded people behind. There behavior has been surprising to say the least, but I have not just been focusing my energy on that as you imply, but both have left my Older daughter and my younger dau. with torn hearts. I'm trying to mop up the mess here and keep their hearts open to love and forgive. Regardless of how imperfect my kids are, all kids are, they didn't deserve that. My Older dau. went out of her way emotionally and financially to help OlderSD and was really hurt by OlderSD's behavior after she left. My younger dau. and YoungerSD were very close here and YoungerSD said she'd keep in touch on a daily basis. It's obvious to my Younger dau. she's keeping in touch with everyone BUT her. And she pointedly said to my Younger DAu. she didn't have time for her. My Younger dau. is crushed. Maybe OlderSD and YoungerSD aren't the only ones needing protection.

I completely get that these girls have had a tough time, but most of us have in life and I don't understand why it >seemsIf anything, I and my kids have gone out of our way to love and help OlderSD and Younger SD. I'm not saying any of us has been perfect, but we have loved.

I do not believe these young women do not have the life skills to be kind, loving and appreciative for and to the people in their lives. Younger SD even has on her Facebook she is Pro-loving everyone, how does that fit with her behavior towards my Younger DAu and My Youngest Dau.?

I had thought, mistakenly perhaps, that YoungerSD and I had a decent relationship even though she didn't every really open up to me. Admittedly the last year or two has been tougher, especially with the way she's treated Youngest Dau.. But I kept trying.

Sincerely, Connie

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serenity_now_2007
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
There is obviously much more to the story here. I can understand your being surprised by what seems to you to be out-of-the-blue behavior. First thing I'd do if I were you is try to get in "asking" mode with the Aunt and let her know you are receptive to whatever insight she may have into what the SDs are currently dealing with. Let her know you care about the SDs' welfare and want to help if it's requested. Let her know that you genuinely want to understand what the source of their upset is with you and that you want to listen to it without judging, rejecting or minimizing any of it. For now, try to keep any and all discussions you have about SDs between you and the Aunt, not with SDs yet and don't drag your husband into it either until you've gained some more insight and there is no more 'surprise' about how the current state of affairs developed. The Aunt sounds like a caring and articulate person who understands your point of view and wants the situation to be better for everyone.

As for your children, you might want to have a conversation with them directly addressing the recent cut-off in communications. The Aunt's letter sounded as though the SDs are both dealing with difficult times. (Do you know of any particular event, conversation or change that has occured recently ---especially regarding you or your kids--- which might be precipitating this for both of them right now?) It sounds like they may be fighting depression, and as we all know, depressed people often withdraw from people and have trouble living up to all of their commitments. I would explain to my kids that they are dealing with some stuff right now and their choices are nothing personal against them. And that sometimes people can be erratic and need a little space from time to time.

If what the Aunt tells you about why SDs are upset is something that you can neither understand nor accept, that is your choice. If you choose not to accept it, you are removing yourself from the equation (as it sounds like they have, at least for now) but that isn't a choice you can make for your husband. He may accept or reject their perspective, but that is his choice to make. You also have the option to hear what their complaints are and try to work with them towards some kind of resolution. Husband and SDs, too, have that option, which they may take, or they may not. You can only decide what choice is best for you based on what you feel about what you learn. Others will have to make their own choices, based on their own feelings, in due time.
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Hi there, If its been 6 years and they still show no respect or like, do not rack your brains over this. I know its very hurtful. But you are not their mother, never will be and if they did not want you as a friend from the beginning you cannot change their minds. You cannot force them. Continue to be nice and respectable towards them as a human but do not go out of your way to help them so they can be nice to you. you will feel used and be a rug to them which they will take advantage of because they see your need for them to like you. You do not need them to like you. You want that but in reality they are not giving it to you. So concentrate on your husband and life with him. Do not give them money or anything else. If their father wants to, they are his kids and let him deal with that. Dont involve yourself with that level. They are adults. Not involved in your house. From the sounds of it, they done nasty things and even probably tried to separate you both. Both of you , your DH and you must focus on your relationship and your futur. Enjoy growing old and doign things together. These are not kids. They are adults and should be responsible for their actions. Do not feel bad about not loving your stepkids. They will never have loyalty to you as a stepmom. i know. I lost my mother and even in death i never had loyalties or the love of a child to a mother to either one of my stepmoms. Now i am a stepmom. and I do love them but not as i love my own child. Sorry. But its a fact. My husbands knows it and understands. If the kids dont like you, its ok. Not everyone is going to like you. And sometimes people don't like you just because....of nothing...just because..i used to get hurt over that. Now i dont. i just go about my own business and ignore. My own SD knows this. i have my alone time which confused her at the beginning and she thought i didn't want her. But i explained we all have to have alone time. And when she gets older, does she want her father andfriends to be stuck to the hip with her? She said no..i understand. ANd now...she does have her alone time. We both read our books and relax on the computer. I am friends with my stepkids. I was one of teh luckyones. BUt please dont hurt yourself like this. Accept them the way they are not by any fault of your own and just enjoy life with your husband. They will try many tactics but you must endure. People can be cruel just from jealousy or manipulateed by others. They have to be respectful and nice to you as a person. Period. But dont take this as the beginning of a loving relationship. Its sounds to me they have made it clear where they stand. Things may change as they get married and older but do not hold your breath. Continue living and loving in your life with people who deserve your friendship and love. Not with those who will dump on you.
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Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.
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Thanks TOS, for explaining what KKNY meant. KKNY: No, my daughter didn't have time to adjust. She hasn't adjusted to the fact that her father was a drug addict who left drugs where she could have found them. She hasn't adjusted to the fact that he was seeing girls young enough to be his daughter while married to her mother. She hasn't adjusted to the fact that he didn't spend time with her when she was a young child. She hasn't adjusted to the fact that he is a manupulative person who is also bi-polar. I haven't told her any of these things, but someday she will find them out, I'm sure. But I'm the one who's the bad person for introducing her to someone too fast? Why are mothers held more accountable than fathers? If I could have done it different, I would go back and change a lot of things. My point was that seeing someone before the divorce papers are finalized does not make someone TOW or TOM. How long do you think it should be? Long enough for her to be comfortable with just Mom and resent the intrusion of someone else in her life? Long enough for her to get older and not be able to establish as deep of a relationship? I'm not saying you're saying these things, or that this is what happens, but there are detriments to both sides. I'm living my life the best way I can, and sometimes I don't make the best choices. But I don't think considering things in black and white, married or not is always applicable. I didn't cheat. He did.
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Adult Step Children

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serenity_now_2007

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