Hi there,

If its been 6 years and they still show no respect or like, do not rack your brains over this. I know its very hurtful. But you are not their mother, never will be and if they did not want you as a friend from the beginning you cannot change their minds. You cannot force them. Continue to be nice and respectable towards them as a human but do not go out of your way to help them so they can be nice to you. you will feel used and be a rug to them which they will take advantage of because they see your need for them to like you. You do not need them to like you. You want that but in reality they are not giving it to you. So concentrate on your husband and life with him. Do not give them money or anything else. If their father wants to, they are his kids and let him deal with that. Dont involve yourself with that level. They are adults. Not involved in your house.
From the sounds of it, they done nasty things and even probably tried to separate you both. Both of you , your DH and you must focus on your relationship and your futur. Enjoy growing old and doign things together. These are not kids. They are adults and should be responsible for their actions.
Do not feel bad about not loving your stepkids. They will never have loyalty to you as a stepmom. i know. I lost my mother and even in death i never had loyalties or the love of a child to a mother to either one of my stepmoms. Now i am a stepmom. and I do love them but not as i love my own child. Sorry. But its a fact. My husbands knows it and understands.
If the kids dont like you, its ok. Not everyone is going to like you. And sometimes people don't like you just because....of nothing...just because..i used to get hurt over that. Now i dont. i just go about my own business and ignore.
My own SD knows this. i have my alone time which confused her at the beginning and she thought i didn't want her. But i explained we all have to have alone time. And when she gets older, does she want her father andfriends to be stuck to the hip with her? She said no..i understand. ANd now...she does have her alone time. We both read our books and relax on the computer. I am friends with my stepkids. I was one of teh luckyones. BUt please dont hurt yourself like this. Accept them the way they are not by any fault of your own and just enjoy life with your husband. They will try many tactics but you must endure. People can be cruel just from jealousy or manipulateed by others.
They have to be respectful and nice to you as a person. Period. But dont take this as the beginning of a loving relationship. Its sounds to me they have made it clear where they stand. Things may change as they get married and older but do not hold your breath. Continue living and loving in your life with people who deserve your friendship and love. Not with those who will dump on you.

Just accept. Accept that they don't like you and may never like you. Accept that you have no obligation to them only to your husband. You don't have to be overly nice, interested, or overly helpful to them, only to your husband. They want to be considered branches off of his family tree not yours, allow that to happen, respectfully. I have two stepchildren, one has rejected me completely and has done horrible and unforgivable things, the other respects me but does not relate to me as a Mother even though she no longer has a Mom, and that is okay too. All I can say is I loved them as much as I could, just like my own. They don't relate to that, no one is to blame, but I am not as concerned about them accepting that as I am my husband. He knows how hard I have tried, he knows how I support him in decisions with his children even though I may not agree with them. I view his children as a way to show him I am dedicated to him. That doesn't mean we don't talk about decisions pertaining to his kids, but I always end with 'but I will support whatever decision you come to' and follow through on it. I view the money that my husband spends on them as I would view the money he spend on a boys weekend, something he would do with or without me being his wife. He takes my feelings into consideration but that doesn't always equate to doing things my way. You have no obligation to them only to supporting him. Good Luck to you, accepting is a hard and unrelenting task.

Sounds like they were pretty much 'grown up' before you entered the picture. They're not your kids, and you didn't raise them as if they were. You're not their mom, and they don't think of you in those terms. You're their father's wife; and they're your husband's children.

As such, you're entitled to human decency, common courtesy and basic greetings when you answer the phone or walk into a room. They're entitled to kind and respectful treatment, consideration of their needs for time with their father (much of which will not include you), and at least a reasonable pretense of concern for their welfare. Being included on wedding invitations, Christmas cards, etc. -- all nice, but not something to let rule your emotional health or your relationship with them.

"The stepchildren never remember my birthday or our wedding anniversary."

They won't remember your birthday (they didn't grow up celebrating it) and your wedding anniversary is your celebration, not theirs. (They may legitimately have mixed feelings about their father remarrying.) Hey - They came to your wedding. Those types of slights are not deliberate hurts, so don't view them that way. (Are your feelings hurt when a friend or co-worker fails to acknowledge your birthday or anniversary?)

The types of selfish, entitled and disrespectful behaviors you've mentioned in your post are all "normal kid stuff". If you had raised kids of your own, you'd understand how common those issues are, and would be lucky and rightfully proud if your kids didn't act that way. Most Americans aren't that lucky!

Try and take the higher groud and treat them with respect, and kindness as best you can, but if your husband is invited to dinner with his kids, and you are not invited, call a friend and do something fun. While your DH spends time with his kids, make sure that you plan time with friends that are really enjoyable and be thankful that you did not have to spend time with them, and endure the stress and phoniness of trying to get through an evening neither of you really want to share. If you must go to things with them, try and be pleasant as you would with people your DH might work with, like his boss etc. But they should be required to be respectful, and pleasant too. Also, try and remind yourself that in situations such as you find yourself, that it often is not personal...and perhaps that will ease the pain that rejection creates within our spirit. I imagine that they would treat whoever their dad married this way...unless you have personally done awful things to them as one of the posters experienced from her stepmother who threw away beloved things of her deceased mothers, and who stands firmly between their father and his adult kids. I believe the post is title "If I could tell adult step children anything" or something like that.

But those times your DH is with his children, instead of fretting about it, or being upset, make it times that you love and do things you love so that you are really excited, and look forward to that time that you have to do whatever you want. Go to your favorite restraunt with a friend or two, or see a great movie he would hate (a great way to get your mind off of things and escape reality for a few hours), or go to the salon and pamper yourself. If you find yourself alone, and stewing, go pick up a dinner from your favorite restraunt "to-go" and rent a favorite movie, or get a good book and take a bubblebath. Just make the time he is with them...a time of really caring for "you". I would also do my best to not even ask him about "their" evening, or anything involving their conversation, so that you do not have to even think about them as you heal your spirit. Try and find friends to bring around you that love you, so that their arrows do not penetrate, because you know that you are lovable, and are choosing to spend time with those who love you. Does that make sense?

Thanks to all of you for the advise. It is all good advise and I will try all of you suggestions. But Seeby, regarding them not acknowledging our wedding anniversary, that was "Wrong". It is not just my special day it is also their Dad's special day. They were best man and maid of honor in our wedding and the only ones there. They were both aware that it was our anniversary because our relatives threw us a party, which they chose not to attend. DH did tell me that it hurt him they did not acknowledge the day. This hurts me in return to know how hurt he feels. Other than that I feel comfortable with all other advise. Thanks alot to all.

The mere fact they were the best man and maid of honor and chose not to show up says alot. Maybe they accepted those honors on behalf of their father but didnt' really want to be part of your union. Which makes it more painful for your husband. Your husband should adress that with his kids. I understand your pain because he is your husband you have to console due to his adult childrens insult. But they are not kids. They are adults. Treat them as such. Enjoy you friends and your husband. Do nothing on your part for these adults. They do nothing for you, you do nothign for them. Its as simple as that. Concentrate on your life with your husband. Good luck.