First off, I wouldn't put him on ANY medication until he was evaluated by a competent child psychologist. If his visits with BM are that horrible, of course he will be stressed out and anxiety ridden before visits! Perhaps he has more anxiety over it than some other kids would, but his feelings are still very valid. At 5, I'm sure it's very difficult for him to understand why he can't just go home if he's scared and uncomfortable, and his mother is very selfish for not understanding this and for not seeing the unhealthy environment she forces him to endure.

Is there any way that you can fight for shorter, possibly supervised visits? I sure wouldn't want my kid to have to stay with brawling bar flies for a week. I'd say that it is you and your husband's job to protect him from his mother's lifestle and lack of caring.

I would NOT give him and medications untill he has been seen by a child psychiatrist! And even then I would really give it some thought. Kids are over medicated these days. Its seems like its easier to give them a pill then to fix the problem.
AND the problem is valid. Its the visits to the fighting drinking MOMS house that is causing the anxiety. Something needs to be done to protect the child from this type of abusive emotinal heck he goes through when visitng his mom. She needs to be talked to and told that this type of behavior is NOT OK! And told about the severe emotional issues she is giving to her CHILD!

Well, depending on how reasonable the bio-mom is, I'd try to swap overnights for more often daily contact until the boyfriend either dries up or goes away. Try to include her as much as you can in decisions, probably through lawyers, to diffuse automatic defense kinds of reactions. (Your statement that you're in the middle of a court battle doesn't lead me to believe she's gonna be very reasonable though -- as well as the mere fact that she's exposing her kid to a violent drunk.)

One thought that strikes me is that stepfamilies offer an "out" to children in abusive/dangerous situations like this that aren't necessarily avail ato traditional fams -- a safe haven for the kid to go to whenever (optimally) he needs it. If the parent in the abusive situation is smart enough to view it that way. On the down side, all sorts of shenanigans and games can come up if the drunk boyfriend doesn't want the kid there in the first place -- acting like a maniac to keep the child away.

The meds I'd lay off of if I possibly could -- but this is just me talking from my own experience with them, as opposed to me with any sort of experience with a preschooler on them. For one thing -- you *know* what's causing it, and that's a controllable aspect of the child's life. So, take out that prob, and you take away the need for meds.

At the very least, you've established one heck of a paper trail for your court battle. Seems to me -- again, with minimal experience on my part -- that any of this is going to look really bad for her in court, particularly if you play 'nice guy' and try to reasonably work out some kind of arrangement to keep the kid away from the bf, but in contact with her -- always through lawyers, to keep a paper trail. I'm a firm believer in playing the nice guy from a position of strength to allow the other parties enough rope to hang themselves with when they turn nasty.

As far as getting him to stop pooping in his pants....do you force him to clean up after himself after he does it? That's one thing, maybe. Also....how about initiating opportunities for him to show his feelings in non-poopy ways? Drawings, giving him safe things to take his frustration out on (ie beat up or destroy)... That way he uses up all his nervous energy when pooping time comes along.

Also, if you have the time for it, initiate every-hour-on-the-hour poop breaks. That's what we did when our 3 year old had a training relapse; seemed to work ok, although as I said, it's a time sink combined with a 'hey, I like this attention, give me more of this' kind of thing.

Possibly get him to voice his concerns to his mom (assuring her that he still loves *her*, but just hates the *situation* (as opposed to the boyfriend himself) at her house. You can change a *situation* but it's a different ball of wax if a specific *person* is attacked.) in a safe environ (ie with a psych moderator or somebody).

Basically, he has no power in that situation, and I don't think you have any way of giving him *real power* unless he's mature enough for a phone and understands the need (if there's a need, although better if the mom knows and agrees) to *keep the phone a secret* (which I'd doubt, at five). Brainstorming ways of giving him pseudo-power may help his symptoms a little, but the real solution is not to stick him in a situation of powerlessness in the first place. The world being what it is, all environs are somewhat dangerous, but the bio-mom is creating a more-than-usually dangerous environment for her son. She's for-real setting him up to get hurt, if only by accident.

Does she understand that?

Go for full custody. Cite that your are in fear for your child's life. Tell the judge that her visitation (if any) should be limited to supervised visits only.

Shame on this woman for allowing her son to be in such an environment. If the boy is this afraid of her boyfriend he may be being physically or sexually abused.

GET THIS KID THE HELL OUT OF THERE BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE.

Thank you for all of your views on our situation. We have an appointment with a mediator in the next 2 weeks and we hope that we can discuss some of these issues with her infront of the mediator that was appointed by the courts. We can only hope this will be the first step in helping him in this dreadful situation.

Keep us in your prayers..