Rude stepdaughter
laVerneMaynard7
11 years ago
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sylviatexas1
11 years agoreadinglady
11 years agoRelated Discussions
In Laws, Exwife and Adult Stepdaughter
Comments (82)Sorry, I was having a bad day when I posted that. In this case the ex does get a significant amount of child support from him even though she makes more money than he does and the daughter lives with us 2-4 days a week. She also gets financial support from her family and his family (they love her and only recently stopped shunning me). She has a boyfriend that lives with her part-time and she basically supports him (with the help our our money if you think about it...) She has the daughter enrolled in all kinds of activities like dance classes,swimming classes, cooking classes, etc. The daughter has lots of nice toys and clothes and goes to one of the best pre-schools around. She does not go without anything and is well loved and doted upon at both households. She is spoiled by both sets of grandparents, all the aunts and uncles, and even my own mother sometimes. When my significant other lost his overtime at work his child support stayed the same. Then when he got laid off his child support stayed the same. When she got a new job and started making more money his child support stayed the same. When we got our heat turned off for non-payment his child support stayed the same. We have 2.5 people living in our house but I pay 50% of everything while he pays someone else who makes more than him. That just doesn't sit well with me. We can't afford to pay our bills anymore and forget about ever taking a vacation or saving money. When he was with his ex they had a savings account, took nice vacations and were looking into buying a house. We're broke. There are other issues I won't bother going into here because it's too long and I guess I have some big decisions to make. He says he'll never get married or have more kids and I want those things. It feels so unfair to me that he did those things with someone else but won't do them with me. It's like someone else got it all and I'm getting nothing. But I have to accept a stepchild and an ex wife that will always be in our lives and I have no choice but to make sacrifices for them. I love him and his daughter and I get along fine with his ex but I am clearly the least important person to him....See MoreHow do I handle relationship with rude 13 year old stepdaughter?
Comments (8)Maybe she needs to see you as a real person, not just something that is occupying her father's attention. When my husband and I married I moved into their home, my husband's and the children's. It was the house that him and his ex-wife lived in and it was the only home that the children have ever known (not pleasant for me (ugggh!!) but at least the kids didn't have another change to cope with in addition to our marriage, which was already a significant change). My oldest stepdaugther had assumed the role of being the "woman" of the house and I could tell that in some instances she felt that I was stepping on her toes. I didn't want to give her too much power given that she was 12 years old at the time but I wanted her to know that her opinion mattered and that I was listening. When we decided to decorate the home the girls and I went shopping together and I showed them what I was looking for. It may not have been exactly how she wanted to decorate but both girls helped pick out decor and we were all happy with the outcome. I have used this as a guide with everything, from decorating to rule making to discipline. I always ask their advice, their opinion. They are free to express how they are feeling on all topics and often change my mind (which happens often!!!), however, my husband and I make the final decision. And even when its not in their favor they know that I fully understood and respect their point of view and they do the same for me. I personally feel that I have exceptional stepchildren (okay, so I'm a bit biased!!) but I think that all children would like to know that they are important and that their thoughts and wishes are taken into consideration. Have you gone shopping with your stepdaughter? Most girls LOVE shopping and that would be a huge icebreaker. Do things with her that interest her, get to really know her, her likes and dislikes, her fears, etc. My stepdaugthers sometimes do things that I don't like or they may hurt my feelings unintentionally but I've gotten to the point where I can go and plop on their bed and say "hey, I'm feeling..."....See Morestepdaughter is ruining my life!
Comments (6)I would simply tell him that if he isn't going to support you, then he can find another job where he can be home with her (not likely) or send her to live with her mother. There is no law that says YOU have to raise his child.. you have no rights, you have no responsibility either. With him backing you, SD would not have a choice & I suspect she knows dad will take her side so she acts up even more. My SD11 did the same thing at that age.... til I told dad that HE can do everything for her & I won't do anything if he isn't going to back me. He's the parent! But, the bottom line is it's a husband problem because this same problem could happen when it's your child together. If the parents are not on the same page and working as a united front, the kids will manipulate. Kids are manipulative by nature. They are born with an instinct to get what they need to survive & as they get older, they learn ways (through manipulation) to get what they want. I have my DGS. He's 20 mos. & already behaves differently with everyone that takes care of him. They learn early what they can or can't get away with from certain people. As long as your husband refuses to back you, she (and the others) won't respect you. The others are learning from her too. It's a bad example. Before anyone gets riled up over the word manipulation, all behavior that kids do to get what they want (crying, whining, talking sweet, tantrums, etc) are methods of manipulation. It's a natural (innocent) thing when it starts out, but if they get away with too much and are not taught consequences, it moves to a higher level of manipulation where they are aware of manipulating situations & when that follows them into adulthood, that's where a lot of us see self serving, self centered, master manipulator ex's (both male & female) But, my point is that some manipulation from kids is to be expected but it should obviously be dealt with. DGS will whine & cry more when his mother visits him. He doesn't pull that with me. Of course, he wants mom to baby him because she's hardly around. With me, he only whines when he's tired & he knows that means I will get him ready for bed & put him to sleep. I don't usually cradle him before bed, unless he lets me know by climbing up on my lap. But, when he whines with his mom, she gets frustrated & doesn't know how to handle it so she brings him back to me. I believe he wants her to cradle & rock him or hug but she can't or won't pick up the signals he gives... she only sees him as a whiny, crying baby & that gets on her nerves. Kids learn early on, how the parent (or person) reacts to their behavior & that determines their future behavior with THAT person. (that's why kids act differently at school too) You have a choice of how to deal with your SD. I would tell her "Look, your dad isn't here during the week, I am. You may not like the situation & maybe I don't like the situation either, but it is what it is. I am the parent when your dad is gone & I really don't care if he is angry about it when he comes home on his days off... when he's gone, things are done my way. PERIOD." Because you have to stand up for yourself for your kids to respect you. I also think you should continue to give her structure because she is a child & nobody else is going to, but you don't have to make her comfortable as long as she is disrespectful or sassing you. Set rules for all the kids & take charge of your life. Be consistent. Be fair. and when DH gets home, don't allow him to attack you... because all you have to say to stop an attack is "Either you stay home with them or send SD back to live with her mom... unless you're willing to do that, then I am running MY house MY way when you are not here." and it would help if you refrain from complaining about the kids to him when he comes home. It would REALLY help if you give him updates while he's gone... on the good & the bad. It's tough & it's gonna take a lot of strength, patience & stamina to do what you need to do if you want peace. I was a single parent of my 3 kids & worked 4- 10 hr. days for a long time & part time job on my days off. The difference, I didn't have anyone coming home 2 days a week to give me a hard time because they thought I said or did something wrong... but I didn't have financial help either though. (no C/S) BTW, I had 3 children by 3 men & that doesn't have a lot to do with whether someone is a good or bad parent. There are bad parents that have all their kids from one father that they're married to....See MoreMy stepdaughter is driving me crazy.
Comments (70)There's nothing sibling rivalry about her bahavior. The resentment, embarrassment, and other feelings described here concerning a much, much younger sibling is nonsense, justified as normal or legitimate because they had no one to tell them their feelings were wrong. People think and feel all kinds of things, but just because it's the way one feels doesn't make it right, hence there is murder and much other wrongful doing in the world. If they had someone to set them straight, the subjects would never have entered into your thread as anything of concern or consideration. Given any opportunity, I think your SD will abuse the baby - smack him, pinch him, or anything she can do to make him cry, if not *accidentally* drop him - because she lives in a very dark place mentally and emotionally, and she wants the whole world to be as angry, sad, and unhappy as she is. For him to think it nothing more than sibling rivalry is turning a blind eye. He needs an intervention to make him realize and understand the damage he's doing his daughter, and therefore his marriage and his son. You might talk to a health care professional and tell them the same as you've told us (and everything you haven't told us). Then, ask them to help you talk to your husband. I know you don't want to leave, but I'm truly impressed you are seriously considering it as more than just threatening in order to get your way. I don't know how the women who threaten end up feeling when they don't get their way and don't leave either. You can't keep being walked on like this, but he isn't going to listen to you. He isn't going to do any more than he has been doing no matter how much you threaten. It might take you leaving to get his attention, and then you can demand he go with you to talk to the professional. You might demand it before leaving but if he refuses, then you have to walk out the door, realizing it is likely forever and no amount of tears and begging you to come back can change your mind unless he changes his. If you don't leave, then please don't leave the baby with him when you go back to work. He has a cautious mother to protect him right now. Who will protect him when you're gone? His father never will believe there is any danger or concern....See MorelaVerneMaynard7
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