I think OP should have done what she herself suggested, tell SD she needed phone for a quick call, and then SD could have it back. I dont think a SM should limit calls from SC to her bio family to that 15-20 minute rule. If a phone is needed, its needed. But arbitrary limits to biofamily are, IMHO, inappropriate.

Plus, everyone really has different styles regarding communication. For example, as you all have probably noticed from my posts, I can be quite wordy & long-winded!!! (As can most of my family members on both sides, as it happens). Some people can't fathom this, and I can see that side of things, too. But for those of us who are long-winded & have alot to say, 15-20 minutes with a close relative is just getting warmed up! It's kinda one of those things where individual/personality difference really plays a lot into it. While I can certainly understand limitations based on real financial concerns/need to budget, if that is removed as a factor then the occasional hour-or-more conversation shouldn't be too much of a hindrance on the **quality time** aspect (which is of course a valid concern). That is another advantage of many cell phone plans, btw, that you can opt for one that has free calling within certain hours, and most cell phones don't have the same kind of 'long-distance' charges that land-lines do. There are many plans and people have to find the one that best suits the needs of their family circumstances. Of course it's your house and you have the choice of either being all "This is MY HOUSE!" and sticking to the land-line and its difficulties OR recognizing that maybe that just isn't going to be the best option for your family because you are considering that the stepfamily situation has enough stress on it already without the phone turning into a huge power struggle. It's, I guess, a question of which is more important to you in your stepfamily: the need to feel like you have absolute authority or the need to try and maintain harmony and minimize potential conflict. That, too, is a matter if individual personality and preference, so you will have to figure out what really works best in your situation.

For the record - SD DOES "live with her family" - she lives with her blended family that consists of her father, stepmother and siblings.

I think distinguishing that BIO family deserves more phone time than STEP family does is being pissy, personally. Of course Auntie doesn't live with them - being a step family has nothing to do with that. How many 'intact' families have an aunt living with them? And why does it matter if she is talking to the sister of BM, dad or SM? The issue at hand was if OP had a right to expect SD to get off the phone when asked.

TOS hit the nail on the head, I believe (excepting the cell phone part) as no rules or guidelines for the phone were previously laid out. But in no way were SD's actions of going off to her room and locking the door okay or acceptable, and I don't care if it was God she was on the phone with.

We don't limit the time our kids can be on the phone, but they all know when asked to get off they need to get off, and they don't get to question why or debate it with us.

Serentiy,

"I guess, a question of which is more important to you in your stepfamily: the need to feel like you have absolute authority or the need to try and maintain harmony and minimize potential conflict. "

I understand your stepmom is awful. But this comment was awful too and I think that your situation with your stepmom is clouding your perspective on the situation at hand. An intact family would not be forced to buy a cell for a child to use so why should a stepfamily do that to "maintain harmony"??? Harmony could easily be maintained without making the extra purchase!

I do not think that this situation is a stepmom trying to have absolute power. I think it is a rude sd not listening to an adult and testing her boundries. Absolute power and a child listening and having respect for an adult are two different things. Children can be nurtured and loved and also learn to listen to adults. It has nothing to do with absolute power.

In an intact family, the child would a) probably see a lot of her aunt if she lived close by and b) the parents would probably encourage her to have a close relationship with her aunt, the mother or father's sister. I think it is wonderful that she is close enough to her aunt that they can chat for an hour. I often talk to my sister or my adult daughters for an hour. The solution of making a quick call and then having her call her aunt back is so clearly sensible and a win-win situation for everyone.

Sorry. I can't relate. We all have our own cell phone lines.

Silly me - I forgot. My SD can't talk to or see any of her family on her mom's side unless she is with mom. We have to pretend they don't exist. It was then quite stupid of us to send SD for a weekend with her mom's sister on 'our time' this summer, and send with her pictures of SD's in her sport for Auntie. I keep forgetting that because she isn't MY sister or DH's sister that we must not allow SD to have contact. I just keep screwing up this evil step mom thing, don't I, TOS?

You must be pretty flexible, as your a and b examples were a far stretch, even for you.

huh?

I was thinking that it is sad that my youngest kids have never even met any living relatives on their father's side, but how would I be able to encourage a relationship there? Aside from the fact that my exH might be upset if I contacted his relatives, I don't know what their addresses are. I am sure I could track down some of them if I tried hard enough, but I am not sure it is worth annoying my exH. I have been told often enough by people here that once I was divorced, my exH's family should be nothing to me and I should be nothing to them.

I don't think it should matter if it's family or not really. The rules have to be the rules or you wind up with kids thinking they own the phone and locking themselves in their rooms with it when it's time to get off. Ever heard the "give an inch theory"...it's very true when dealing with teens. The aunt could always call back another day so the phone isn't tied up all on the same night. It isn't like it was the last time the kid would ever speak to her Aunt. I assume it was probably long distance as well.....

You can't really change the rules around alot or there would be no point in having any. When the girls mom DOES call, they each get 15 min to talk....max. It is long distance and we do not use the same phone company so the bill runs up FAST. We can't afford a $300 phone bill every month. Mom doesn't help pay for nothing...it's all on us. We simply could not allow the girls to talk on the phone for hours.

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/parents/msg0923152318615.html?4

Use this link to head over to the parents forum and see what they had to say about this situation. Sometimes I really see the bias when a stepparent sets boundries and when a bio parent does. Funny how parents agreed with another parent setting phone boundries and expecting a child to get off the phone when told on the parent forum but on here I am expected to buy the kid a cell or let her talk for hours at a time long distance with the rude attitude.

The "give an inch" theory does not apply to dealing with someone you love. I do not have an adversarial relationship with my children. We all "own" the land line.

My land line company has an option that allows unlimited long distance calls within the United States for a relatively cheap flat rate. The cheapest available cell option allows 700 minutes - that is a lot of hours, more than we ever use in a month.

TOS, yes I pay relatively little for a plan on my landline that allows unlimited us phone calls. with DD meeting friends from camp, others going to college, i dont want to worry re phone calls.

And I dont think it is fair to equate calling friends with calling relatives. If it were bio family, i really think it would be less likely for parents to complain about child talking to relative, I might say, DD, I need phone, you can call back auntie later. If SMs here cant see the differnce between calling a relative and calling a friend, I see bias.

Well to each their own ladies. It isn't just a money issue. The girls have homework to do, showers to take, dinner to eat, rooms to clean...etc. We don't even get home till almost 6. There is no time for hour long phone calls. The girls bedtime is 8:30 so we BARELY have time to get what needs to be done in that time frame without the interruptions.

I can tell you if the girls did what OP's step kid did daddy would of waited for them to hang up and then informed them that they had lost phone priveledges for a week for not listening to their step mother. There has to be consequences to bad behavior whether it was a friend, family or even GOD on the other line. The Aunt should be ashamed for not telling the kid she needed to let the adult use the phone....I would of said "Honey, your SM sounds like she needs to use the phone. We've been talking an hour. I can call you back later." Thats what a mature adult would have done. Futhermore I would of reamed my nephew out if he shut himself up in a room when his mother needed to use the phone.

"Serentiy,
'I guess, a question of which is more important to you in your stepfamily: the need to feel like you have absolute authority or the need to try and maintain harmony and minimize potential conflict. '

I understand your stepmom is awful. But this comment was awful too and I think that your situation with your stepmom is clouding your perspective on the situation at hand. An intact family would not be forced to buy a cell for a child to use so why should a stepfamily do that to "maintain harmony"??? Harmony could easily be maintained without making the extra purchase!

I do not think that this situation is a stepmom trying to have absolute power. I think it is a rude sd not listening to an adult and testing her boundries. Absolute power and a child listening and having respect for an adult are two different things. Children can be nurtured and loved and also learn to listen to adults. It has nothing to do with absolute power."

Mom2, I agree with you that the OP was not over-limiting her Sd after an hour-long conversation nor was she overexerting authority after the girl was outright rude to her. I guess it more the tenor of a few of the *reponse posts* to the situation which seemed to suggest that all that was needed was just a bit more puttin' the ol' foot down and no further reflection upon possible additional factors/sensitivities playing into the situation b/c it happens to be a stepfamily (and thus refelection on other ways it could be handled).

And by no means would I suggest that the way to maintain harmony would be to let the SD run roughshod over the use of the phone, because I don't think ANYONE should be allowed (or should even have to) run roughshod over anyone else for harmony to be maintained. The idea to get cell phones isn't to give a cell phone to SD alone, as some kind of gift or reward, but to get them for everyone in place of the landline everyone has to share and which carries the potential for a new conflict every time it rings or is picked up. My point is just to make a decision that benefits the whole family ---not just SD--- in terms of it eliminating the source of the potentially daily or even HOURLY conflict. And again, if there are too many real impediments to getting the cell phones (money and/or location), then yes, I agree with you that they will have to find some other way of creating fair boundaries for the shared use of the landline. But if no such impediments actually exist, or are minimal, then the relevant question would seem to me to be why is the family sticking to a set-up that has this much potential for conflict? Because that is the choice. The choice isn't "all SD's way vs. all SM/DH's way" ---or I should say the choice SHOULDN'T be that--- but instead: "stick to a set-up that in some ways is convenient but which we **ALL** will perhaps have to battle over daily" vs. "try another set-up that may (or may not) cost a bit more but will likely save us all headaches by eliminating a source of daily tension".

That said, I know too well that when one (or more) parties in a group insists on a power struggle, there will be one and it could be over absolutely anything. So to that extent it's true that if it wasn't the phone it would be the computer, or the house key, or the car or the pool or whatever else. In that sense I DO understand the logic of "you may as well not change anything b/c then you'll have to change everything". My theory is just that each thing that *IS* considered and adjusted for the purpose of eliminating conflict, is one less fight and one less impediment to the family being able to get along and enjoy each other with less pressure. No, you can't change EVERYTHING, and everybody will always have to share in this world. But it's also true that there are some things that CAN be changed, some fights that can be pre-empted and made irrelevant, some headaches that can be removed with a few simple solutions.

The bias on this forum is merely because it's a step relationship. Most of the 'parenting' issues that get debated here become about the step parent 'overstepping' and not the actual issue. That is probably the biggest reason there are problems in step families to begin with, people feel they need to mark their territory and/or authority as the bio parent, so when a step parent imposes a rule that they would impose on their own child, because it's a rule that should apply to children in general, the bio parent 'has a problem with that'. I first realized that when my stepdaughter's mom called my husband to b*tch him out because we stopped giving their daughter coke with dinner and started giving her milk or juice. What parent is going to complain that their child is given a healthier choice that's good for them? If BM wants to give her soda for breakfast (which she does), then it's her choice but if I gave her soda for breakfast, she would have a problem with that if she thought I made a decision like that without her authority. Even though she is the bio mom, it really isn't her business what happens in dad's home unless there is abuse or neglect. (needless to say, she accused me of abuse by giving SD oatmeal and peanut butter.. two very abusive and traumatizing foods apparently)

In this instance, it is the use of the phone in dad's house. It doesn't matter WHO the child is talking to... it's dads & SM's house, they make the rules. PERIOD. It doesn't matter who's relative it is, if mom wants her daughter to talk on the phone to her maternal aunt nonstop, then mom can allow that in her home, on her time. When SM says get off the phone, a 10 year old needs to get off the phone... regardless of who they are talking to, regardless of who's child he/she is, regardless of whether dad or SM pay the bill, IT DOES NOT MATTER.

I think OP handled it correctly and I apologize if my earlier response was incorrect in assuming that OP showed SD that she was annoyed and/or aggravated. Under NO circumstances is it okay for a child to ignore a direction from a parent (yes, even a step) and lock themselves in a room to avoid doing what they are told to do. It's all fine and dandy if TOS wants to use her cell phone and if KKNY would let her daughter talk as long as she wants because it's bio family... that's fine for them if that's what they want to do. However, if their children were told to do something by them and instead of doing it, they smart mouthed them and locked themselves in a room so they can continue to do what they were told, I doubt that would be fine with them. (of course I expect TOS to say she wouldn't care if her kids ignore her commands and lock themselves in a room because she also apparently lets them talk back, curse and do whatever they want... they apparently have no boundaries, which is fine, that's also HER choice) But, as for being slammed for the way this was handled... it's only because you are a step parent to this child and not the bio parent. There should not be different standards for step children and bio children. Kids love to manipulate to get what they want and once they know there is a different set of rules for them because they are bio/step or because they are only there EOW, they will take advantage of the situation and it will lead to bigger problems down the road. (add that to a parent that is parenting out of guilt and the problems may be endless)

"That is probably the biggest reason there are problems in step families to begin with, people feel they need to mark their territory and/or authority as the bio parent,"

I think that the problem is that the STEPPARENTS feel they need to mark their territory and authority.

There is NO REASON to turn this into a power struggle between the adult and the child. If your spouse were using the phone, it is unlikely that you would demand that he get off the phone immediately. You would most likely politely ask if he could let you have the phone for a minute and then call back the person to whom he was speaking.

I guess the fairest ---and probably truest--- thing is to realize that BOTH step- and bio- parents (and even sometimes step- and bio- children!) can be guilty of wanting to mark their territory a bit to excess. I think if we all think about it, we have seen it happen all around. May have even done it ourselves once or twice. The blended family situation is just one that can breed that impulse sometimes. That's why I say it's an already-loaded situation, ripe for power struggles in general.

If OP were to get rid of her landline and replace it with cell phones there would be people on here saying that it is awful not to have a landline phone for emergencies (the comment has been made on other threads).

I am sorry but I dont think OP did anything wrong and if it were my child (step or bio) she would have been grounded for talking to me the way she did. The simple fact is ... you ... an adult... told her.. the child you needed the phone it was time to get off. The response should have been okay ... or in my house yes mam (it is my DH's preference for the mam and sir. I personally dont care as long as they arent being rude) I think JNM has it right.

I am so surprised at all of the back and forth comments on this subject. It seems so simple to me.....The parents make the rules for the children in the house. The children follow the rules or suffer a consequence. If a rule has not yet been established and a parent tells a child to do or not to do something the child obeys the parents. Period. There is no tolerence for speaking in a disreseptful manner to a parent or anyone else in athority.

When my kids speak to me in a disrespectful manner it is addressed imediately. That also includes rolling of the eyes, making faces, slamming doors, stomping off etc. Are they always punished for it? No, but it is always addressed. I have always received an apology...it may take until the situation calms down but I always get one.They know that if I don't get one, I will be asking for one and we won't move on until we get things straightened out.

When I am out line with my kids, and I am, I apologize to them. Non of us are in control all of the time and we all make mistakes.

Am I a "Hitler"?....Sometimes but I'm more leaniant on somethings that other parents are. I've tried to teach my kids that if they treat me with respect, obey me and are honest with me then they will get more freedom as they get older. It has worked well with the older ones and I see no reason to change it with the youngest one.

All of this being said, we have had our problems just like every family does.Some of them have been big ones. That's just life.

Ima, Of course there are differences in a step v. a bio relationship. Yes, SD should have been more polite. And SM could have done bettr job of expalinging rules. But I notice some in the step mother brigade say no difference if child is on phone with family v. friend, and I disagree with that. And btw, to all who said re God, if anyone in my house is on the phone with God, they can talk longer.

It seems simple to me too. Children and adults are allowed to express themselves freely. The only areas where there are inflexible rules are safety related, such as wearing a seat belt in the car, not that that has ever been an issue. If it is ok to speak to your brother or sister in a particular manner, then it is ok to speak to your parent in the same manner. It worked for my older kids, and it is working for my younger ones.

I know I give my DD more latitude if she talking/texting to her dad than if she is on teh phone with a friend.

" If it is ok to speak to your brother or sister in a particular manner, then it is ok to speak to your parent in the same manner"

I disagree. Kids speak to their friends and siblings much different at times than they should speak to an adult.

And I still think the child was wrong in not getting off the phone when asked and having the nerve to try locking herself in another room with the phone.

I would have to say an hour on the phone is long enough to catch up with anyone, relatives included.

Not any more wrong than she would be if her brother asked her to get off the phone so he could make a call of equal importance.

Adults are (or should be) wiser and more knowledgeable than children, but they aren't somehow more special, any more than a viscount deserves more respect than a footman.

The adult needed the phone to call about arrangements to pick up another child in the home that was at a friends house. I doubt that the brother would be making a call for that reason.

TOS your going to defend your point, no matter how twisted, to the end. So no use trying to talk sense into you.

We will just have to agree to disagree. I know that your kids were allowed to talk rudely to you, stay out till all hours of the night, and know their fathers deepest darkest secrets from you as part of the "truths" you told them. But that type of parenting is not a style I would use, nor is it a style most people would use.

Most of us would have to agree that the child was rude and that should not be tolerated.

When I made this comment earlier, maybe I wasn't making myself clear. A mother's territory is her own home. A stepmother's territory is her own home. Yet, it seems that a mother feels she has a right to tell the father and stepmother what should or shouldn't happen in their home because "HER" child is there and that makes it HER business. No, when the child is there, he/she is also DAD's child. Dad doesn't have the right to tell mom how to live her life or what to do in her home.

A stepmother that feels the need to mark their territory and authority doesn't call the mother and tell her how to handle her home. A stepmother that does things differently in her home than the mother does in hers (which may upset the mother) isn't 'marking her territory'. She is simply living her life the way she chooses and she has every right to do that. IF a mom has a problem with that, too bad. If dad has a problem with how his wife runs the house, then that's a different story because it's HIS house too. Mom's don't own their children and they don't get to choose how their children live when they are at dad's house anymore than dad gets to decide how mom does things. If they want to have that much control, they can stay married because if they could agree on how to live their lives, they would still be married. Obviously, they don't agree and when they get divorced, it's a given that they are probably not going to agree on many things. That is true regardless of whether either of them ever get married again.

Their father has deep, dark secrets?

Since when did my kids stay out till all hours of the night? They never had a curfew, so they had one less thing to rebel against.

I can think of lots of equally important calls that a sibling might want to make - group homework projects, carpooling, etc.

If it is rude to slam your door on an adult, it is equally rude to slam you door on your brother.

Where are you going with this TOS?? OF course it would be rude to slam a door on your brother. In my home everyone needs to be treated with respect! Children and adults are not "buddies". I am not here to be my childs friend that they can talk rudely to and slam doors at when angry. I am the one here to teach them proper behavior and right from wrong. I am in charge of teaching them acceptable behavior. If my children are allowed to do and say whatever they want with no boundries at home then they will do it outside of home and be rejected by peers, teachers, coaches, employers, etc.

Do I have fun with my children? YES! Do they love and respect me? YES! Do I have a good relationship with them? YES! Do they tell me about their lives? YES! Their friends always tell them how "cool" their mom is even though I have boundries with them. My kids all know I love them no matter what, but they also know what behavior is expected of them.

If one of my kids slammed a door on me then they would be in trouble. If they slammed the door on one of their siblings they would also be in trouble. I have never had this issue though.

Back to the original post....child wrong. Adult is in charge and children should give adults respect. If an adult says to do something the child should listen--whether it be parents, stepparents, teacher, etc.

If a teacher told a student to hand in a test and the student refused to hand it in and walked out of the class and slammed the door what do you think would happen??? I doubt that students behavior would be seen as acceptable.

"...any more than a viscount deserves more respect than a footman" No, but to extend the analogy, the viscount is the one in charge and makes the rules, and if the footman is disobedient and rude to the viscount, he is in trouble.
Adults in charge of the home make the rules. OP's SD was out of line; an hour is more than enough time to tie up the family phone for anyone. As to taking the phone into her room and locking the door after being told the phone was required, that would have earned my DD serious disciplinary action.
And no, I would not advocate buying SD a cell phone so she can talk as long as she pleases. Apart from rewarding her for poor behaviour, it gives her the message that she does not have to learn to share. Teachers put "does not play well with others" on report cards for a reason. Children need to learn to share and respect other people's needs before they get out into the wider world which will not revolve around them.

Children do not need to give ADULTS respect. All people, whether they are adults, children, viscounts, or footmen, should be civil to others unless there is a really good reason not to be (e.g. there is no reason to be civil to someone who is in the process of beating you up). You shouldn't be treated differently merely because you are a viscount or because you are an adult.

To "theotherside"...

I am curious about you. I notice that you have been on this forum since 2006 but you give no other info about yourself. Are you willing to at this time? How old are you? Have you been a step child? Do you have kids or step kids? Please do not take offense at my questions. I'm not trying to cause trouble.

Beleiver, all of us here have heard plenty of background re tos, she and I are both older and divorced.

Ima, what happens to my child is my business. Just becuase it doesnt happen at my house doesnt negate that. I may or may not have limited power to effectuate change, but that doesnt change that my child is my concern. While I dont own her, I have rights and responsbilities. Except in very unusual sitatutions, SM does not.

Actually, I have given quite a bit of info, scattered among many posts. Here is the Cliff Notes version: I am in my fifties, have six children (yes, all with the same father), he left close to a decade ago for a wealthy woman, rarely allows the children to visit him although he does take the ones at home out to dinner occasionally. TOW, now his wife, who is a few french fries short of a Happy Meal, complained that the four young children (oldest two were grown, but youngest was a toddler) disrupted the peace and quiet of her household (ya think?) TOW has managed to pretty much completely alienate all the kids by doing a number of things including berating one of them in public for "throwing his life away" by going to college part-time while working part-time (he proceeded to get an Associate's degree with high honors). Not that either she or my exH is willing to contribute to college expenses.

TOS,

that's a truly awful story. You are very lucky to be free of your ex. He is a parasite, not a parent. If this creep came back into your world, you'd be best to run, not walk, in the opposite direction.

Continued exposure to creeps like your ex and his wife will only make you cynical and depressed. You need to get rid of these people and surround yourself with people who bring positive things into your life, not grief.

I know whereof I speak. My ex was a sociopath who robbed me of money, fooled around and then took off while my daughter was a baby. His poison affected every aspect of my life and my attitude. A few years ago, I met a wonderful man in a similar situation and we got married. Now we are working hard to be loving and supportive parents and stepparents to our children, all of whom have been scarred by twisted parents.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel - but you won't see it as long as there are monsters darkening the way. You need to break free completely of the yucky people in your past, give yourself a chance to heal and plot a healthier course to move forward.

Isn't it interesting how SM or TOW is always responsible for alienating the children in the mind of TOS. Fact is many mothers are deeply threated by the thought that their children may, and most likely would develop a great deal of love for their stepmoms. Most mothers are not even self aware enough to know that they are jealous and vindictive so they fabricate all kinds of bogus reasons why stepmom is just no good and the theme that runs throughout all these reasons in almost identical!

Mothers deliberately stand in the way of a good relationship, through subtle and not so subtle methods. Crying works wonders in eliciting guilt in children of all ages. Moms probably aren't even aware that that is what they are doing. After all what a searing indictment to motherhood to learn your own flesh and blood can develop a loving relationship with HER.

Regarding the phone, I would have picked up one of the cordlesses and said, Hey Jennifer, how are you? I am so sorry to have to interrupt, but I desperately need to make a phone call and this is the only line we have. thanks....

Then I would sit down with myself and figure out, am I jealous that my SD talks to her aunt for so long? Am I worried that the conversation may be turning toward gossip which may be about me? Am I worried that my privacy has been invaded that private information which is none of mom's business will be conveyed to her through the sister?

Myself, I fully hold the aunt accountable on this one. If auntie is interested in being closer to her niece she should become more involved with shorter and more frequent calls, letters and visits. AND because this is a family relationship auntie should also be fully abreast of what the boundaries are and respect your home, your rules and your privacy as much as she would demand hers to be respected.

Yes, you are part of the family which is something some people, ((cough...names unmentioned)) don't seem to accept or begin to understand.

You handled it well, and likely the worst thing about it, is you were made to look like an arse in front of auntie.

I can not believe how many replies this post got. In no way was I jealous of my sd talking to her aunt. In fact I was happy they were able to talk so long because I know it makes sd feel connected to her mom in some way when she communicates with her moms family even if it is not often. I'm not all that interesting so gossip is pretty scarse around here lol :)And if aunt and mom would like to discuss me behind my back my feelings are not hurt in any way. Just glad I would be so important to them that they are thinking of me so much :P

The only reason why I had her get off the phone is because I had to go pick up my niece and needed to call and let her and her friends mom know I was on my way.

I do not know if her aunt even heard me speaking in the background but I do like the idea of picking up the other extension and letting the person on the line know I need the phone. I would like to think if her aunt knew I was trying to use the phone she would have encouraged the conversation to end.

As for how my sd acted I was pretty upset and so was my dh when I told him about it later. He was still at work when it happened. We hold the kids to higer standards then that and do not accept them disregarding us when they are asked to do something. We expect everyone in our home to treat eachother kindly and when they are rude we have discussions about it. I am not a big punisher but am an advocate of talking about improvements that could be made and how things could have been done differently.

You did the right thing and do not let anyone tellyou otherwise! You needed the phone, you waited 30 minutes. Other people were depending on your phone call and your SD could have called her back or her aunt could have called her back in 5 minutes. Its not like you needed the phone for leisure talk like she was doing.
When i need the phone, my SD wraps up her call and frees it up. She even stays away from the phone if i'm expecting a call. Its called commom courtesy. And she knows the phone is free for her to use it again. THere are times i butt heads with her but alot of moments are good. Granted if she were to live with me 24/7 then things would definitely be different and as a teen i'm sure she tests boundaries but so far..the phone is good.
The heating in my house is an issue. She turns up the heating without asking to 25-28 degrees....THere is no insulation in this darn apartment so heating in thewinter goes over 400$ if you are not careful. She did this twice last year and we told her not to touch the thermostat. Well this year it will be different. Im placing a lock on it. I just do not have the money to splurge on that bill!

All in all, i think you handled the situation very well and honestly with her. She has to understand that when someone needs the phone they need it and not to take it personal. Andyou had the right to repremand her for her snotty response. Very typical reaction. But if you ever get the chance to stay on the phone when she needs it, i personal would give her a taste ofher own medicine. I believe in learnign through experience.

"Ima, what happens to my child is my business. Just becuase it doesnt happen at my house doesnt negate that."

Does it give your ex husband the right to tell you how to live your life because his daughter is in your home most of the time? Can he tell you how to raise her in your home, even if you disagree? Yes, your child is ALWAYS your child and it's always your business... but one parent cannot control the other parent's house BECAUSE their child is there.... but some parents don't have to worry about that, their solution is to keep the child from the other parent so they don't have to give up any of the control. What do they care if the child is deprived of a relationship with the other parent??? Of course, that is selfish AND controlling.

"theotherside"....thank you for giving my the info. I am new here and haven't learned from other postings what peoples situations are/where.

"kkny"...I don't know your background either and I won't ask.

If my X had a problem, he would likely communicate it to me. And I said, I never restrict any calls between them, and would give family calls priority.

I don't need to be concerned about whether my kids "love" their father's wife. She managed to eliminate that possibility herself.

But what if she hadn't, TOS? What if she was involved and loving, and they were close to her and happy to have her in their lives. What would you do then?

Being TOW in itself demonstrates that you do not love your affair partner's children. Participating in the destruction of a family is not an act of love.

If my exH were to divorce his current wife and remarry someone who actually demonstrated that she cared about our children, that would be a whole different matter.

Children learn to love and children learn to hate. Is it ever wise to teach your child how to hate?

Colleen,

I think her Husbands wife has taught the children enough about dysfunctional relationships with how she has treated the children.

I'll agree that it's not a good start, though I would be willing to bet most woman who begin a relationship as TOW aren't seeing it as a demonstration that they do not love their partner's children. I would guess they don't really think it through that much at all, honestly.

I am most curious as to how you would take it if your ex did re-marry again to a woman who from the start included your children in their family as important and loved members. Without the TOW issue to stand behind, I think it would be most eye opening.

The way I understand TOS, is that ALL stepmothers are the other woman no matter what the circumstances surrounding the divorce were or in most cases how absent or inept the mother is.

In my view her views exemplify pure unadulterated rage at the lot of females in society and she holds women--ie stepmothers--accountable for it. If women didn't participate by helping men abdicate their familial responsibilities it wouldn't happen would it. Men just don't have the gumption to raise children. Truly that ideology does have some merit. But like everything else in life, there is a HUGE gray area.

And, personally I don't believe you can hide that much rage from children, no matter how much you think you have it under control.

Of course not all stepmothers are the other woman - just those who began a relationship with the father while he was still married. Those who began a relationship after the divorce was final are not the other woman - if they did so within a short period of time after the divorce was final, they are likely a rebound relationship, though.

It is wrong for men to dump their parental responsibilities on their new wife/girlfriend. It is also wrong for the new SO to let them get away with it.

My DD has more rage at my X than I do for having an affair. It offends her sense of fairness and responsiblity. And now that he is apparently cheating on current SO and tells DD that he wants a girl in every port (wow, talk about providng a child with TMI), she is even more disgusted.