Do you know why the oldest wants to stay with her mom full-time? Before you get upset with her think about the situation. Many times a non-custodial parent can guilt trip their children into saying and doing things. This new custody issue may not have been your stepdaughters idea, it may have been the result of a huge guilt trip. If you are close to her maybe you can approach the subject in a friendly way and just discuss the issues she said caused her to want to change the custody arrangement. Or maybe your hubby could talk to her.

But please do not act differently towards her. Visitation and custody arrangements are hardest on the kids and sometimes they are very confused. I know that my stepchildren have been very confused and hurt when they visited their non-custodial mother. And she tried to press them with "if you lived with me"..... promises.

She says that she just wants something different. But she also says her mom said she can come over whenever she wants. That will never happen. Her mom won't let her and we also won't let her. If she wants to make changes then lets make changes!!!

You won't let her see her father whenever she wants??? My kids all live with me and always have, but I have never prevented them from visiting their father.

Think of reframing this just a bit. Your house is your SD's home. She might have two homes, but yours is one of them. She's always welcome at her home, isn't she? If she's old enough to decide that she wants to stay with her mom full-time (I'm guessing teenager) then she's also old enough to decide that she wants to come back to your house. Leave her that option. Tell her that your house will always be her home, that she'll always be welcome there, and leave the door open for her. You can tell her you'll miss her very much (if you will), not to change her mind, but to let her know that she's cared about.

I know this is very hard because I'm going through something similar. What helps me is to recognize that my teenagers will be going off to college in a few shorts years anyway, and staying with their father more often is part of this (necessary) transition towards their independence.

See if you can find ways to keep in touch with her - text messages, emails, regular phone calls, even an occasional dinner at your house or at a restaurant that she likes.

Ann

How far do you live from the childs mom? Is the problem that as children get older their lives revolve more around friends than parents? How old is the child? I would suggest Dad talk to her -- and reassure her she is welcome at your house, etc.

I understand perfectly what you and your husband are trying to accomplish as my DH's incompetent son blindsided him at the end of the summer by stating he wanted to try something new and go live with BM. (However, DH coerced his son into staying with us FT so he's still here.)

Life is not a game and if children want to try something new, then go to a new restaurant or try a different brand of perfume but don't put everyone else in hell because you (the child) are trying to manipulate the parents against one another to get the most out of both homes. Telling a chld s/he can do whatever they want even with visitation is irresponsible. Sure, they're welcome in homes but need to make proper arrangements for the visit to ensure it won't interfere with previous plans. If your SD really wanted to, she could say she wanted to stay at your house for two days then go back to mom's for a week or so after someone in your house got on her nerves, or vice versa. It's nonsense.

How old is she?

Did she come back yet?

The way we see it is that if we are going to be paying child support on her she is going to be staying with her mother. She is not going to get it both ways. We think she is doing this in the first place just to help her mother out. That's just the way it is. When you make a decision then you make a decision. If she wants to be with her mother, that's where she will be.

hyles - I know exactly how you feel. My situation is a little different. Almost a year ago, we had a meeting with my SS17, DH, BioMom and her husband because son had stayed out all night, two nights in a row. He stated at our meeting that he didn't like me, didn't like my stupid rules, didn't want to live here because of me, and wanted dad to choose. At that point, he had racked up a DUI at age 16, and was extremely argumentitive and rebellious. We let him go live with his mom, that's what he said he wanted. Well, the very next day, he called to see if he could spend the night at our house, because it wasn't going to be convenient for BioMom to take him to school. I had no problem with that. What I did have a problem with was son showing up after school, with friends no less, to hang out at our house. We have a swimming pool, big screen television and fully stocked fridge. DH works out of town during the week, so he wasn't home, and our other kids weren't home from school yet. So they only person home was me, the one he dislikes so much. I told him, and DH, that when DH was home, son would be welcome to be here, but when DH was out of town, son could not just drop by as he pleased. Son thought I was being mean and unfair, but I told him the consequence of telling someone you don't like them is that you're not going to be welcome in their home.

After a long and tragic story, SS is back living with us. So it has kind of worked out in the end.