Sylvia- "No. She couldn't." You don't know her. You haven't seen her action. You haven't witnessed her get it together when it's something she WANTS to accomplish. You don't even know a small fraction of the story therefore it isn't your place to say what decisions she could have made. When she was in rehab for two months she could of stayed there rather than run off with her BF to get high. Daisy- "Doodledoo, if you would never leave your children with someone who is on lithium, however stable they may seem, I can understand why you'd feel that way. If I had lived through all you've lived through, I would feel the same." Thank you so much for understanding that a person who witmesses a worst case scenario probably isn't going to be likely to take chances. Even if the percentage is low on the risk factor scale once you have been part of that percentage you probably arn't going to be convinced by others who haven't personally experienced the situation. Based on this scenario I would never let my daughter be taken care of a person who has a known mental illness. It's my perogative. I appreciate how you can see why I would feel that way after what we have gone through with BM. Thank you. PJB- "I would like to know where this info came from regarding 'people on lithium' not being allowed to work with children, teach etc." I know this because I work in this field and that is one of the questions you get asked. They want to know if you have any sickness or injury that will prevent you from doing the job (back injuries, Epilepsy and the like) and they specifically ask if you or family members have a history of mental illness. Then they want to know what medications you are on. I have been through that process five times since I was 16 for Daycare center jobs and currently for a Early Learning Coalition position. They also do extensive background checks. They are covering themselves. People with epilepsy and back injuries could drop a child. Mental illness could cause highs and lows or make a person less tolerant to children depending on the diagnoses and the severity. Certain Meds prescribed for mental illnesses can also cause sluggishness/drowsiness which is no good when you have babies in your care. As for the Millitary I had a boyfriend in high school who had some form of MI and he was on some popular drug for depression. It may have been Prozac? I don't remember...anyway long story short, they asked him the same questions I was aked when he was trying to join the Army. When they asked about the history of MI and found out he was diagnosed and on the medication they turned him down. He couldn't join. Too much of a liability. They flat out told him it was because of his condition. Love- "Doodle and J are doing the right thing and the ONLY thing they can do, anyway--protecting the girls." Thank you Love. We don't doubt for a nano second they we are making the wrong decision here. For the record to all of you who think I am so horrible to BM, I have obtained another application to the House Of Hope and explained her situation to the ladies there in hope to get BM bumped to a priority spot. BM claims she will go if I can get her in and as aggravated as I am with her I am doing my damndest to get her accepted for her own sake and the girls. I am such a vindictive,venemous,mean person, Yes?

The huge problem is, as I have said, that he already switched to part time a while ago. So, when they calculate his average pay it will be at part time which was already half of what he was making but still able to take care of child support and what bills he needed to cover... and CS is 2/3 of his income so if he loses another 40% off of what he is now making... the money simply is not there. And he by far does not make 1000.00 a week. And sometimes for some folks missing a day is a lot of money so missing four weeks is still alot of money. And, that is not even taking into consideration that I will have to somehow come up with the money to pay for the health insurance that would have come out of his check (and eats up another chunk of his money) At the end of the day there isnt much of his check left between the two so anything taken away from that is not good for us. And, it is a minimum of 4 weeks that he will be out... there is no gaurantee that it will only be four weeks...there is always the possibility of complications and what not. I make more money than my husband in general so I have always been the primary bread winner in the family. With the addition of cs being taken out of his check towards the end of last year ... that meant I bring a lot more money into the house than he does. That is why when someone needed to make adjustments to their schedule and/or work less it was him... we calculated what he needed to work to cover cs and a few other expenses and made the decision to have him stay home because BM wanted to put the kids in daycare and for us to pay for it and that was simply not an option. Now, we have run into him being injured so what was already a minimalized check is in the red so to speak because taking away another chunk of money means everything is not going to be covered period.

You said we did not read this carefully, so I went back and read it carefully. It doesn't make sense. '...He did not date her. He never took her out anywhere they met ata sports bar and she would come in on the nights the deputies were there. Yes he made a mistake BEFORE we were engaged and married. When she came back some time later to tell him she was pregnant he DID tell her then that we were then engaged it was a few months later. She told him then that she was going to get an abortion. She then fell off the earth. Then even later she contacts him to tell him she kept it. He told her he was getting married. She was furious but she did try to get him to spend time with her. He said no. We got married.' Then later you said: 'She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault.' To recap: they met two nights in a row in a sports bar and had sex. They never had a date. So logically, there was no expectation of affection, friendship, love, or commitment. She disappeared out of his life, he disappeared out of hers. She never saw him again (per your DH) until two or three months later she popped up and told him she was pregnant. He said he was engaged. She said she was getting an abortion. She disappears again out of his life and he out of hers. Again they apparently both agree that there is no expectation of friendship, love, or commitment. Their actions indicate that they both accept it was a one- or two-night stand that meant nothing, that the pregnancy was unfortunate but meant nothing to either of them, and that they each had their own lives and no interest in each other. And yet, you said: "She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault." If she hoped he would stay with her...(and stays means he never left her, as in he continued the relationship after the two one-night stands)...why would she tell him he was getting an abortion and then drop off the face of the earth. Why wouldn't she be 'furious' that she was told otherwise. But that's not what happened. She told him she was pregnant and getting an abortion, he told her he was engaged and wasn't going to marry her--and then she (according to the story you heard from your DH) dropped off the face of the earth. Then out of nowhere about six or seven months later, she calls him and says the baby was born and she kept it. He says that he is just about to get married and suddenly 'she is furious' and tries to get him to spend time with her. But she does not let him see the baby much and she does not want child support. This also does not make sense. Why would she suddenly be 'furious' on their 4th contact in abt 10 months? If she wasn't furious when he stopped picking her up in the bar (if he did stop), and she wasn't furious when she told him she was having a baby and he responded that he was engaged, why would she suddenly be 'furious' once the baby is born and she hears for a second time he's getting married? If she's going to be furious that he's getting married, why wasn't she furious the first time she heard it when she told him she was pregnant? If the girlfriend and your DH really didn't have any contact except two one-night stands, and a quick conversation about pregnancy and abortion, why would she suddenly be furious about him about to get married when she hadn't had any contact with him for six or seven months and there'd never been any understanding of love, friendship or commitment between them? Do you really believe that she just dreamed it up in her head without any input from him? As you describe it, they were two rather disinterested strangers in the night at the time of conception, spent a few minutes together around month three discussing the pregnancy, abortion and his engagement; and then after the baby was born she popped up and is furious that he's getting married? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...this does not make sense. Why was she furious? Because she believed there was going to be a different outcome, because she felt betrayed. And she felt that way because he led her to believe that she meant something to him. However, the story makes sense another way. He was seeing her and you at the same time. He proposed to you but kept her on the side and kept his engagement a secret, but he keeps seeing. She comes up pregnant and tells him and expects to get married, move in together, or move the relationship to another level of commitment. He waffles and sooths her with some excuse or some promise to delay her expectations and she's satisfied and continues to gestate and they continue to see each other. There's no talk of abortion, that's a story your DH came up to explain to you why he didn't confess the pregnancy earlier and to hide his continued involvement with the girlfriend. Then after the baby is born she expects him to step up to the plate, or she finds out about you. In any case, your DH is cornered and lets her know he's going to marry you, not her. She becomes furious at this point because she realizes she's been betrayed and used. There's another red flag. Per your story, she's a welfare no-account who hangs around bars and sleeps with strangers without caring about a relationship or commitment. Easy come, easy go. So she spent two nights running with a sheriff's deputy and then never saw him again. No big deal. So she's pregnant. She'll just have an abortion. No matter. It's just a thing that happens when you hang around bars and pick up strange men and have sex with them and then don't intend to see them again. Although maybe it's something you can use to get a man to marry you. So she's a calculating floozy who picks up strange men in bars and sleeps with them without a commitment unless she gets pregnant, in which case she wants to marry them, even though per your story she's spent two nights and one additional conversaton with him, when he told her he was engaged--maybe a total of 24 hours? Yet that's enough for her to disappear out of his life for months and months while carrying his child, then pop up out of nowhere and suddenly be furious that he's not going to marry her and that she "hoped" he would because she was pregnant. How would she know he was marriage material, a nice person, someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. How would any affection have time to develope if they only spent two nights together and then had nothing to do with each other at all for the next nine or ten months? If that were the case, there'd be no 'hoping' he'd marry her, there'd be no fury when she realized he wasn't going to. Also--considering she's a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy--your DH never questioned this was his child. He seems pretty confident that the dna test is going to prove him the father. Confident enough to spend money on the mother and attempt a relationship with the child. If she were just a easy bar pick-up, he'd be wondering if it were his child or not, or why she thought it was his child. There must be other candidates for fatherhood. And he'd hold off on the getting involved in her life until he knew for sure. Except it looks like he already knows for sure. And he knows because they've had more of a relationship than he's letting on to you. She's not a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy, she's someone he knows pretty well and has known for a while...and maybe if he plays his cards right he can keeps this going. Get his wife involved in his girlfriend's life--appeal to everyone's noblest sentiments by making it all about what's BEST for the baby. Interesting that she didn't want child support or anything from him except to see him alone with her baby (their own little family). Child support would not have created ties that would complicate her moving. He would send it to FOC, they'd record it and forward it to any bank of her choosing anywhere in the world. And not accepting child support does not avoid complications of her moving her child away from him. Whether he pays child support or not, if he's the bio father, he has rights, one of which may be to prevent her from moving. So what's the real reason she didn't want child support? Maybe because he's providing more than state guidelines to her secretly? Or maybe because she's accepted that he's married and he two timed her and she just wants to get away and not have to think about him again. I don't know. I just think that someone who 'hoped' a man would stay with her because she was pregnant and who was furious when she realized he was marrying someone else, and who will only get him visit his daughter alone in her apartment when her son is gone--would also insist on support, because support officializes a ties she seems to want. I don't know the particulars, but I do believe that you have been mislead. The story doesn't make sense. I know yo have to defend him, have to believe what he's told you. It must have been very painful for you to know he cheated on you with her just before you became engaged. This can't be fun and you seem to be making the best of things and seem to be trying to be a good sport. I just fear that you are gullible and are likely to be hurt.

And to marie always: I have been on both sides of the coin and you have to understand that there are incredible abuses going on with custodial mothers and how the CS gets spent. I didn't abuse it and it doesn't sound like you have, and I realize that many men are extremely obnoxious about CS; however, there is a case to be made here. My husbands ex-wife for a period of 5+ years received $2,500/month in CS for 2 children (as well as a a $200k+ settlement - not awarded by the court but by my generous husband) and the children were not be clothed or fed. Shelter was questionable as well. During this time the CM was going on trips and leaving the children behind. They were/are placed on free meal programs at school and are rarely fed breakfast before school. And yes we did pursue custody.