I've been there - twice. The first time, I was younger, naive, and allowed my SS to move in w/ my DH and I for his last year + of H.S. It was not as bad as what you described, but there were a lot of similarities - an unmotivated kid with a huge sense of entitlement, no desire to ever work, etc. He ended up going to college so it eventually worked itself out.

Last Thanksgiving (Nov.) my DH allowed his adult (24y.o.) DD to move in w/ us despite my protests that it wouldn't be a good idea. We now have three young boys and any of the 'big' kids in the house cause the boys to not want to keep on their schedules. DH turned a blind eye to all of DD's shortcomings, just as he did w/ his son (who after 6 yrs. of college, quit/failed out, won't work, stuck us for all his bills and me for his student loans that I was stupid enough to cosign for.)

Anyway, things came to a major boiling point (see my April original post - the reason I came here.)

I will say that no matter what I did or said, it didn't matter. No matter how I 'felt' in my own - DH just hid his head in the sand. We finally ended up in a huge argument. At least things were aired out (though he sat beside his DD despite her disrespectful tone towards me.)

A few weeks later I said, "I think what we have is worth saving, but I don't feel like saving it right now. So, I'm going to a marriage counselor Tues. at 1pm (or whatever). You can join me if you feel you want to make a last attempt to work through things."

He showed up and our lives changed. The counselor was impartial - didn't just side w/ me, agreed that DH was in a tough situation, etc. (We also have $ issues - his DD worked, but wouldn't contribute a cent and while we appear to be well off, have been in a horrible state of affairs since a fire 2.5 years ago that the ins. still has yet to cover.)

The counselor basically told DH, "You're doing your grown children no service by continuing to foot the bills for all of their luxuries (cars, cell phones, ins.) You're actually undermining their confidence to be able to handle these things - as all adults do by this stage in their lives (skids are 22, 24, 26) and you're preventing them from establishing credit, learning how to budget, etc."

We saw the counselor for a couple of months and it made a huge difference in our lives. I wasn't happy to have to pay that kind of money for a stranger to tell my husband what anyone w/ common sense could have told him, but it was valuable to me for him to hear it from someone who had no motivation to sway the truth.

BTW, tell your bf that my SS was just like his son only was brilliant in school. I feel that because my DH never said what he meant and meant what he said, the boy is now a man who cannot stand on his own two feet. No work, no school for years - just living off his bf(they are gay, one reason I felt he needed to stay w/ us way back when as his mom was very condemning. I've worried about the suicide thing, too.) My DH would say, "Now son, you have to work for us all summer long, then we'll match what you've earned and help you get a car." Well, SS showed twice for work (at our office - we are dentists), both times in the late afternoon. I grew angry and bitter - felt like I wanted to hide at my parents when he was around - running from my own house! At the end of the summer, DH snuck out behind my back (we had our first baby at that point who was a newborn) and bought that kid a new car. I was furious. Now, DH realizes how stupid he was (or so he says) and how he basically asked for his son to turn into the bum that he is today by never having to work for anything. It was all handed to him. We finally just stopped (six mos. ago) allowing him to have the car we paid for monthly - we actually had a PI repo it. We can't sell it, and it's the new excuse SS gives for not working. He hasn't spoken to us since right after our fire - still pay for his cell just to know he's OK. We believe he's in another state from us these days, but he's pouting like a child and refuses our calls - even when his father nearly died last year! Amazing.

Good luck. Get counseling. All parents get defensive when their child is criticized, so pointing out the kid's flaws will do no good. Have a counselor lead your bf. I always said that we needed the counselor to help w/ dialogue - how to tell my SD that I needed help around the house, and that she really needed to look for another place in X number of months. So, tell your BF that you don't feel SS is hearing you and that maybe a professional can help. Once you get him there, you can go through the issues and just ask the counselor's opinion as to how he/she feels is the best way to handle this or that.

And, if he continues to bring illegal drugs into your house, you could be liable. Tell him you'll call the police - then do it!

Dana

You are not a mean person. Others are taking advantage of you.
You are learning from all this but believe make sure you are taking super care of yourself. Talk to yourself, be positive, aim to see the nice things in this world. Otherwise, these two people will kill you spiritually, mentally, physically.
Perhaps you can find a real nice little home for you and hubby can stay with his not responsible son. Hubby will come running to you in no time, believe me!

Take care and keep posting.

I am sorry that your relationship is going through this. It is very difficult for a parent to be stern with a kid that they weren't always living with, so understand this about your boyfriend. He wants the kid to like him a more than he wants to be stern with him. This is natural, but not helpful. The two of you should sit together, set the rules of the house, and most certainly, support each other absolutely in upholding and enforcing those rules.

The kid is a teenager who thinks he knows what is good for him, but obviously his head is full of foolishness. He should be kept busy. Can dad possibly take him out somewhere at the same time everyday, like to play ball or something, to eat something, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. He will pretend it is lame but he will be drawn to the regularity. I mean kids of all ages need stability demonstrated. This gives a sense of security.

He will not be happy to co-operate, but believe me, he needs this. Also, you and boyfriend should find somewhere to spend time outside of the house, regularly. He must detatch emotionally from this kid in order to stop enabling him. Getting a job is a bit much for him. He doesn't seem to understand give and take, start smaller, and never engage in a fight with him. Just walk away, and come back calmer with a sensible response. You do not deserve a mad house.

The kid should get one regular chore to start with, and getting it done could be praised, not getting it done, will be reprimanded, softly at first, then stringently if he doesn't do it. He has to feel a sense of reesponsibility to the home.

If he is into drugs, the last thing you need is drugs in your apartment, and the characters that follow drug using people. You absolutely have the right to search his things when he is not there and get rid of anything you find. Don't bother to say anything at first, he'll probably just blow up and leave or something.

Rehabilitating a teenager is hard work, and regular everyday work, but if you take a more strategic approach and a less emotinal one, things will work out in the end, I believe you can turn him around especially if you do not judge him. There is no point telling him he's on drugs, lazy, untidy, just try and enforce the opposite. And keep him busy with things that seemingly mean nothing to you, he doesn't seem to be able to bear the pressure of having to do something important... try and make things seem simpler for him. And like vistajpdf says, get counceling involved, if you can afford it. But we are all just people, so it helps to creep before we run.

I hope this works for you, I have seen it work for other people.

Thank you all for your advise.
It's very difficult to tell you in a few words the reality we are living at home.
The kid has a home with his mother, a bed, a bedroom, TV, computer, etc. With us he has nothing...We are living in the basement of my BF house, the upstairs is rented out and with the extra cash we are finishing the BM to sell the house for a better price. So you go figure, it's unconfortable enough for "two" people to live in a "one" BR apt "under construction", let alone a third person sleeping (taken over) the couch...not only that, but he doesn't "like" what we cook, so there goes daddy asking the kid what he wants to eat...etc. He is definatelly not a humble kid. He is running the show!
So, my BF had a talk with the BM and she agreed to set up her basement so the kid can have use of it for himself, and she will not get in his business, etc. We are supposed to have a talk with him tonight, so hopefully he will agree to go back there. But what about if he does not want to? What then? I have zero privacy anymore, I can not be myself around here, because everything is about the boy these days. Our life changed, very radically and so quickly and only because "his mom is so naggie"?
We are starting our life together, I want to have my own family with my BF, get married etc. We are supposed to be buying a house together in the new year, but I told him that I will not have SS live with us. I can not live with SS, I will be misserable, and I need to be mentally sane to be happy.
Please pray everything gets solved.
D.

This is new insight. Your bf's kid sounds a little more spoiled than before, he is a kid and shouldn't have the freedom to choose where he lives if he is being amply provided for at his BM's.

He seems to be manipulating the freedom available to him to jump back and forth, to suit his own will.

I suggest you tell bf that the kid's wishes are unreasonable and working against the reasonable discipline that his mom is trying to enforce.

be stern with bf about it, you can't have a kid turn your life into something he wants for no reason. Tell bf you are willing to help more with kid when your home situation changes, right now it is just not reasonable given what is available at bm's.

Aisha, thank you so much for your words. They really help.
Well, the conversation has not happened yet and the kid's behaviour has gotten worst.
He is not attending many classes and now he is at the point where he tells us that he is asleep in all his classes...
The councelor at the school will have a talk with him to give him other options, besides full-time education (last year).
My BF agreed on talking to him about a curfew and other rules...at this point I lost any respect I have for the kid, I see him as a bum that I can not stand.
All I want is for him to go back to mis BM; my BF business has declined significantly and I find it hard to concentrate, my appetite is not great and we don't sleep well. We don't talk about the house we are supposed to move into or talk about us...all depends on what his kid decides to do, pretty much.
So right now, my future is in the hands of a 17 year old boy. That's the way I feel. But I pray every morning, he goes back to where he came from.
There will be someone out there that will say that the kid moved in because he needs his dad and blah blah blah, but the sad answer is no. He moved in because we are cool, or were anyway, we are more easy going, etc. His mom is the strict one that is trying to make sure the kid in on the right path and has her way with him. He knows daddy will not give him such a hardtime when he comes home the next day at 4 in the afternoon from a party....oh my it's so sad dear.
But, I have decided that I will fight for my relationship with my BF, because I love him with all my heart and he is the best man I know. I really hope things work out for us, and I believe they will.
Cheers!
Dali

Dear Dali, I also hope that things work out with you and your bf, but i would strongly suggest that you put your foot down and demand that he help you to love him effectively. This situation is unreasonable, no matter how you slice it, and your growing resentment toward SS is evidence of that.

The only way to get any relief is to make a stand, and tell bf to stop putting the kid liking him better than BM, in front of your lives and happiness, it simply doesn't have to be the way it is at the moment. And things will be better for SS and you guys in the long run.

I really hope that this is cleared up and soon for your own sense of peace. You do not deserve these sleepless nights for somethign thaat could so easily be taken care of.

Your relationship is suffering too much for this. I hope your bf puts it in perspective.

Keep posting...