I think that jealousy is a normal feeling at times. I know that I got that feeling in my stomach the first time I found an old album with pictures of my dh and his ex. And I was livid when she cried to him that her bf was abusing her and she asked him if she could come stay with us. What made me really upset was that even though dh told her no he still expresssed sympathy to me for her situation. Now that we have been together for so long I do not feel threatened by her or jealous.

But in the beginning I was a little threatened by the fact that they had been together so long and that she was the one who left him. If he had left her I do not think I would have felt that way.

But like I said, that was all in the past. I don't feel that way anymore.

Everyone says cheese and smiles for the camera it doesn't mean they are as happy as they look. I have a pile of pictures that represent in my mind the fight we had the day the photo was taken way more than the picture itself.

I'm the third wife and no, not at all threatened by the return of my dh's ex. She lived a 3 hour drive away when they divorced and she moved 20 minutes away about a year after their divorce. My DH hates her with a passion. He was jelous of my ex though because we talk all the time, we're like brothe/sister. That caused us some problems in the beginning. Now, DH and ex communicate like cousins. They help each other out when they need it. We live about 10 minutes apart. He calls me his pratice wife, and I REALLY hope he gets it right this time around.

Your DH's ex is probably more threatened by you (and your relationship w SD). I know you're dreading her return, is there one thing positive you can hope will come of her being closer?

I think it's normal to an extent. My ex has nothing for his ex wife and yet, you sometimes just can feel their presence in your life. Her children for the most part even dislike her. Two of the three call me Mom.

Sure, once in a while I have a little jealousy, but it never lasts.
When I have a little jealousy, it's not because I worry that BM will swoop in and take FDH away from me, or that she will undermine me with A__... It's when he talks about "When A__ was a baby, BM did _____" or "BM and I used to ____".
I explained that I'm content with BM's involvement in our current life, but that sometimes it bugs me to hear about when they were together, so I'd prefer he edited a little to have a story about him and A__ or just A__.

He seemed OK with that and once he thought about it, realized that he doesn't like to hear me talk about "My ex and I blah blah blah" either.

With regard to DH and his ex, I think the only thing I was ever jealous of were the 'firsts.' She had the first child with him. They bought their first house together - that kind of thing. I wanted something new and special for he and I to share. When I finally 'fessed up about that he nonchalantly said "But it is all new to me because I know I'm doing it for the right reasons with the right person." Made all the difference in the world - no jealousy since.

Now with SD, I have felt moments of jealousy similar to what you seem to feel. Though BM is in the picture and SD sees her EOW I have been the main mother figure, the involved one, the day to day one. SD calls me mom. BUT, as uninvolved, clueless and cold as BM can be, SD will praise the one thing she does do to the high heavens, making me and the 20 things I've done momentarily feel like chopped liver. As SD has gotten older I've learned she knows her mom needs that praise and attention, and the more she gives the more she seems to get back. If SD doesn't make a big deal out of each thing she does (as if actually coming to a parent-teacher conference should have to be praised) then it won't happen. I've taught myself to look at it a different way - that I am the dependable one, the one she knows will be there to support her. She doesn't have to make a big deal out of it because it what a parent should be doing . . only it's the step parent doing it. In some ways I guess I'd rather feel unappreciated like 'normal' parents do than be praised each time I actually take an interest in my kid.

This doesn't mean in the heat of the moment I don't still feel a little crappy, but I can talk myself out of it pretty easily. I think you will find a similar end result with your SD. Mom may swoop in for a while and make a show of it, but I doubt it will last. Some people just aren't parents, no matter how many kids they have given birth to.

I was never defensive towards BM untill Mother's Day two years ago when she flung herself shamelessly at J and then left crying when he shot her down. I could never fully trust her after that. It was clear she'd stab me inbetween the shoulders if she was ever given an inch of a chance.

Am I jealous of her? No. Maybe in the very early dating days before I realized how pathetic she was there may have been a little tiny bit of jealousy. I got to know her and the jealousy turned to pity and irritation. The more I got on the relationship background the more I realized J was super glad to be out of that relationship.

I do think that jealousy is common in second marriages though. Alot od first wives experience it and so do alot of second wives. It's a natural human response.

I will say I feel like she is screwing with MY kids whenever she pulls a stupid stunt and the girls are affected. Anyone who has spent everyday caring for children as their own would feel this way when the "outsider" pops up. These girls call me mom. We lay down together at night and read stories and get up together and talk about our dreams in the morning. When I come home they are at the door with daddy to greet me. I feel this is MY family and having this person hurt them pisses me off.

I guess I am more "jealous and possessive" with the girls than with J. The girls are young and can be easily manipulated...J is a grown man who knows this womans REAL DEAL. He won't be fooled, the girls however might be.

When I first married my husband I was jealous, suspicious I think was the correct term in my case. I knew he was carrying a torch for his ex, but time took care of that for me. I also knew being suspicious and jealous wouldn't stop anything, but I would want to be the first to know not the last.

Oh, yes. I have and am jealous of BM. All the time. But it's different than when I first started dating FDH. See, BM has money. Lots of it. She's well paid in her profession. FDH makes good money, but was used to the higher standard of living he had with BM. The house he bought (the one we live in now) was way out of his league, but he wanted it because FSD would be more likely to want to come to his house. He spent the better part of 5 years as the sole inhabitant of this huge house with a pool and visitors only on weekends. But that's the way he was used to spanding money. With me, I make about 1/3 of the money he makes. So together, we make 1/2 the money BM and her husband make. I know that he is wistful of those days. He brings it up alot. And BM doesn't make it any better. She throws it in his face every chance she can get. FSD brags about all the stuff her mom buys her (a plasma TV for her room) and it hurts FDH's feelings. BUT BM also nickel-and-dimes FDH for everything. For instance, she never tells him when school pics are being taken. So when the pics come in, FSD shows them off to FDH. He asks BM for one and she says "for 5 bucks". I mean, come on! Really? Is it that big of a deal to spare 1 picture for the kid's father? I always give X pics of DS. 1 for him, 1 for GF and 1 for GPs. I always have extra anyway that just sit in a drawer.

The other thing that makes me jealous is that when FSD and I go shopping or looking through a magazine, we'll be casually talking about what we like. She'll go home and then come back with whatever it is I said I like. So if I like a particular shirt, maybe even a designer one, FSD will get her mom to buy it for her. That drives me insane! It's cool if FSD likes the same things I do, but I am jealous that her mom can afford it and I can't.

As far as BM wanting FDH back, it bothers me that she does and has said so. Last year, while FDH and I were on a break, BM tried to get him to have an affair with her. He didn't want to, but it pissed me off that she was even attempting. When he and I got back together, she went off the deep end. She started causing tons of problems between FSD and myself. I know he would never go back to her. She's the one that cheated, divorced him, got married right away and had a baby with the new hubby. I think the damage hs been done. But I think there's a little part of him that still looks at her and sees the way things used to be.

I don't talk about these things. They are my own insecurites and not his problem.

I honestly don't ever think I've felt jealous of DH's ex, however I have felt violated by her when I came home to find her moving SS29 into our home when neither DH or I was there.

I think you don't sound jealous but fearful of how this whole thing will affect the relationship you have worked so hard on with SD, and to me it seems an appropriate reaction.

DH & his ex where divorced for 9 yr.s when we met so I don't even think of them like that, but I don't know if I've ever felt jealous over a man ever. I'm jealous of the people that win the big meg millions lottery-Ha!

~Cat

Catlettuce you just reminded me of a time that BM was in our old home when we were not home. She had skids overnight on a school night and decided to stop at our house the next morning with the kids before school. I think she was trying to see my dh while I was at work.

Anyways, my dh was not home and I was at work. SD opened back door that was left unlocked because she decided she wanted to change clothes or something. BM followed her in the house and sd later told dh that bm walked around the whole home looking around.

Not sure what she was looking for. Maybe snooping, maybe looking for items from when they were together that she could decide to take.

Made me so upset at the idea of her snooping around our home! Dh warned her that the next time she would have charges pressed against her for trespassing or breaking and entering. Never happened again.

Can I ask you a question? What if your SD had invited BM into your home to look at something that belonged to her? Would you be upset that she was in your home? What if SD had invited her AND her BF to see something that belonged to her? I was in a similar situation and I'm starting to think that maybe I am the one in the wrong and not BM.

Oh, no no no. Mommy Dearest does not get to come in while an adult is not there. We would never think to go in her house with SD without an adult present. That's just common courtesy if not common sense!

BM did do it once, and did the same snooping around. She had been there countless times prior and never set a foot inside, even when it was offered. I don't appreciate devious. If you want to come in and see the house, just ask. Don't wait for a time you can sneak around. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?? (You here is obviously the sneaky person!)

Maybe I should start another thread..........

I wouldn't mind if my exH came into my house, whether or not I was there. Once when he had taken a couple of the younger kids out to dinner, I was delayed at a doctor's appt. for another child, and he came in to wait for me. I wouldn't have wanted him to wait out in the cold with the kids, and they were too little at the time to leave home alone. On the other hand, his wife/TOW will never set foot in my house whether I am here or not. I can't imagine wanting to set foot in her house either, but my kids have never had anything there that they would have wanted to show me, etc. They were never anything more than visitors.

helpwiththis

Heres one for ya... My hubby and the ex-wife went to their sons boyscout sign up tonight and she told him she still loved him and that some people who get divorced get married again... Weve been for almost a year and by the way she cheated several times and had another mans baby and still wants him back....

Since we're hijacked about the other's house...

Last spring, BM went on holiday for a few weeks and was supposed to have a bag packed for A__. I was picking him up from school (FDH was on evenings that week) and then getting his stuff for him to stay with us for nearly a month. I asked BM if she would prefer to drop the stuff at her mom's so that I didn't have to go to her place, but she said that was OK... But I still felt REALLY weird when it turned out that she hardly packed anything for A__ and I had to get him to go get more clothes and books and such, so I had to loiter in her living room when she wasn't there... REALLY weird. I didn't like it at all.

When we moved to FDH's place after it was done being renovated this summer, she said she wanted to see it when she picked up A__. I was fine with this (her grandma used to own it before FDH bought it, and she was interested to see the changes we made)... But I was a bit miffed when she just walked around telling me all the things she didn't like (like that we took out the old yellow bathroom fixtures and replaced them with new white ones). She didn't like the bathroom, our flooring, our furniture, A__'s room, or our kitchen cupboards. She also told me that we should take down the photo that we have of A__ on our wall of family photos because "That's a bad picture of him." I replied "That was a day that we were having a really great time and that he likes it because it reminds him of the fun we had, so it's staying up."
I was annoyed at her behavior, but didn't mind that she was there.

Guilty of continued hijack . . .

Ceph - I think I would have popped her. That's just tacky to do in ANYONE'S home.

TOS - do you still live in the same house you and your ex lived in, or did you purchase another?

justmartha,

I purchased another house.

I have to say that as the exwife that sometimes I catch myself being extremely jealous of SM and ex. She was TOW and I have always wondered why her over me--not that I would have put up with his ways once I found out but I always wondered what she had that I did not. I also find myself feeling a little jealous about the life they are able to provide when DS is at their house. SM's family has money (or used to) and they have two incomes which allows them to be able to afford vacations and other things that I cannot. Ex works nights and SM works days which allows someone to be home all of the time. DS likes to go over there when I am at work and then tends to ask to stay more because someone is able to be home there more often than I am. It is hard to be a single mother and feel like I am competing with time that I cannot afford because I am single. I do tend to get a little jealous when DS will ask to spend one more night at ex's even though ex will be at work feeling that he is preferring to spend time with SM over time that he could be spending with me. I have truly had to work on not running my mouth in situations like that and getting DS upset(as I have done once or twice when I ran my mouth before thinking as we know from my posts). But I try to allow DS the ability to go back and forth as much as I can because he likes being able to see each of his parents when he wants.

As for the hijacking--I have truly only been inside of ex's house once or twice in eleven years. I have spent time chatting on the front porch or just inside the front door but I do not feel comfortable going around their home that they have made together. Usually ex and SM do not even come up to the door at my house and if I have something to talk to them about as they drop off DS, I would meet the car in the drive as they drop off DS. I believe that it keeps things simple that way and sometimes if they have needed to talk to me when they drop off DS then they will come to the door but usually no further. I guess we seem to have this invisible barrier just inside the front door, holding us back so that we do not cross into the other's territory.

Since we're all hijacking............here's what happened:

FDH and I took FSD to an extra-curricular function one Saturday night since BM was at work (she has odd hours) and SF was sleeping (he had to work the next shift [they work together]). We were supposed to take her home with us and she was going to spend the night. So we went to dinner after this thing that FSD had to participate in. While we are sitting at dinner at a nice Mexican food restaurant, FSD gets a call on her cell from BM. BM needs her to come home right away and babysit her sister because BM doesn't get off work til 10 PM and SF has to be there at 10 PM so there will be no one to watch the sister for the hour between. So FSD tells BM that she will (without asking us). She gets off the phone with her and then tells us "I have to go home and watch my sister" We say "when" she says "right now because SF is going to leave for work" we say "how long" she says "Mom says you can just leave me there and come pick me up in the morning". This really irritated us because 1) they knew this was going to be a problem and failed to make arrangements; 2) we were in the middle of dinner; 3) we were already doing her a favor by taking FSD to this thing that SHE arranged; 4) their baby-sitting issues are not our problem to fix; 5) they could've made arrangements with us earlier; 6) this was the first time we had seen FSD in almost 3 weeks due to this particular extra-curricular activity; 7) FSD was supposed to spend the night and now she can't. We were stuck in a bad spot and FSD wasn't happy about it either.

So we get there and FSD asks me if I want to see her room. I said sure if she thinks it's okay. Both her and FDH said it shouldn't be a problem. So we go in and I go sit on the sofa while FSD talks to SF and he's running around getting ready. He left and she takes me upstairs to her room. We were up there MAYBE 5 to 10 minutes. No longer than that when the HOUSE phone rings (not FSD's cell). She runs to answer it and we follow her. It's BM. FSD hangs up the phone, but won't look at us. She says "mom said if you are done you can leave now". I turned around and walked right out. I didn't feel that great about being there anyway, but FSD wanted me to see her room. And now we're being kicked out. Nice. So FDH talked to FSD for another minute and then came out to the truck. I just felt so bad for her that her mom made her do her dirty work for her.

BTW, this was the same home that belonged to FDH and she bullied him out of (yes, I said bully because she used his kid against him to get the house back after she originally moved out).

So was I wrong to go see her room? Or was BM wrong for kicking us out of our house? I KNOW BM was wrong for making FSD tell us instead of telling us herself.

Am I going to get totally slammed by all the GW SM haters on here for this?

Help I am also guilty of highjacking...I'm sorry:)

Obviously there are some boundary issues in blended families. I think it's all about respect. Ashley, I think you were in hard position.

The girls would always try to drag us into their mom's apartment (when she HAD one) and we always loathed it. Mom always wanted us to come in but Jonathan and I just felt more comfortable staying at the door. Jonathan's fear was if we went in together she would try to drag him in when I wasn't there and he didn't want to ever be put in that position again. He felt it best to keep the boundaries extremely clear. We started telling the girls "No honey, we're in a hurry. Kiss mama and come on."

I can relate to not wanted the ex in my home. We had to start stoping mom at the door because the visits were getting ridiculous and frankly the woman makes my skin crawl. Jonathan said it made him sick to see her standing in our living room. It was like watching a hippo dance in a tutu...just odd and out of place and very uncomfortable for everyone. We decided we didn't have to feel this way in our own home and started doing all exchanges at the door.

If you personally knew this woman you wouldn't want her in your home either. Frankly I don't trust her.

My new husbands family say I am weird so he is why they say that...

My ex and I have a good relationship NOW, not when we were married... My ex comes over Christmas morning so that he is able to see our daughters open their gifts, last year he brougt his girlfriend, I did not care I made breakfast for everyone and my kids were happy... When we were on vacation my ex came to my house ( which use to be his to) to feed the dogs and cat twice a day for me... Its not about us its about our KIDS

As far as our house goes, it's not an issue for either X to be there. Just a couple months ago, DS has a huge bump on his..ummmm.....boyhood? that was itchy. So I dealt with it as I would a bug bite for a day or so. Well it finally got to a point where it was really painful and getting bigger. So, since X is SUPPOSED to be carrying insurance, I called him to see if he could pay for 1/2 of doctor's visit (X is out of work so no insurance or CS since Feb.). I told him I was convinced that it was just some sort of bug bite, but that I was also concerned with location and that it was growing. He said he wanted to take a look and then we would decide together if it was something that he needed a doctor to look at or if it just simply needed more time. So X came over and looked and we decided to give it some more time. Well that wasn't something that could really be done at the front door or outside the house. FDH came home shortly thereafter and we ALL were discussing the issue. FDH wasn't bothered that X was there. He understands that there are times when it's necessary and/or polite.

To answer the original post, I've never been jealous of my husband's ex's relationship with him or their daughter. It's never been even a slight thought that he would ever go back to her and she's SD's mom so how can I be jealous of her relationship with her own child? That being said, she has acted very jealous of my relationship with both my husband and her daughter. She was friendly with me in the beginning, until she realized that DH and I wanted a life that didn't always include her. She wanted to be included in everything we did. We'd plan a trip, she'd have SD ask if mom can go. (before he met me, DH did things like getting together to take SD trick or treating or fireworks show) After we got together, we wanted to do our own thing and BM blew up because they weren't doing those things together anymore. She's never openly told him she wants him back, but she broke up with her BF a few weeks after we got married, then called my husband to talk about it. She says things to him about her personal life that he doesn't want to know, that have nothing to do with their daughter. He tells her that if it doesn't have to do with their daughter, to keep it to herself. She told him that he's her best friend. As for her daughter, she gets irate if I do things for her or with her. She yells at DH that "she's not her mother! I am!" The funny part is that the things I do that she gets irate over, are things she has refused to do herself. She didn't want to do girl scouts with her so I did it. She got mad. She didn't want to help her with a school project (she yelled at DH that HE can help her) but I was the one that helped her (he's not good with crafts) and BM got mad.

I am jealous of BM in one way. She packed up and left, leaving her kids devastated. Yet, they idolize her and while I am dealing with a crushed child that is angry at mom but taking it out on me, mom seems to walk on water. Ok, that's not what I'm jealous of... I'm jealous that while I am responsible for making sure the day to day stuff gets done.. making sure there are enough groceries for her school lunch & putting a healthy dinner on the table each night at the right time, so she has enough time to get her bedtime routine done so she gets enough sleep. Then getting her up in the morning, taking any calls from the school and driving there as needed and being home when the bus arrives (or now that she's in cross country, picking her up after)... while I do all the things that need to be done that her dad can't do while he's at work and most of the time, (oh yeah, and working around her schedule so I can pay for everything SD needs while her mom ignores the support order and pays NOTHING) and I am exhausted by the end of the day, her mom is lounging around, working on her tan, able to nap all day if she wants, can watch soaps all day and eat bon bons or whatever it is she does (anything but work apparently) and spend all her evenings alone with her 'love of her life' with no interruptions from kids... yeah, I'm a little jealous of that. and to top it off, last year we had 'date night' on the Fridays when SD was to go to BM's. After SD left for school in the morning, I was supposed to be free to get work done and do whatever I wanted if I had no work. Then, when DH got home, he'd take me out to dinner and a movie or just out. I lost count of how many times BM either canceled her weekend or had to come late so I either had to rearrange my schedule to be there when her daughter got off the bus and BM could pick her up at her convenience or we had to cancel date night because BM would arrange to get SD in the evening but came so late, we couldn't really go out to dinner because we were tired and irritated. While we put in the order (agreement) that she can pick her up at 2, from school so it would avoid those problems and she could get SD home in time to eat dinner over there and have a nice evening with her mom, her mom chose to come pick her up after we had fed her dinner and she spent her evenings in the car driving until 10-11pm. (or later) So, yeah.. I don't think I am jealous of that, but it does irritate me and I think she was doing it because she knew Friday was our date night. Saturdays we were tired from working outside all day and usually stayed in watching movies. Sundays were spent driving to pick up SD (six hours round trip, seven when we stopped for dinner because BM won't feed her first and we get her at 6pm... dinner time) FRUSTRATING.

As for the hijack... BM wanted to see SD's room in our house. We didn't have a problem showing her. DH had seen where SD slept at BM's mom's house (before he met me) and when she moved, she offered to DH to come see where SD would be and when he wanted to, she avoided him by always wanting to meet him somewhere else. When he finally saw where she was living, he found out why she was avoiding. She had told him it was a huge 6 bedroom house but it turned out to be a small house with just a loft and no real bedrooms. SD had been sleeping wherever she could. We would be upset if BM came into our house when nobody is home. We keep it locked and since SD is only 9, she doesn't have a key. I agree with JNM, it's about common courtesy. I would not want to go into BM's house if she isn't home (even if her BF is there) and I would not want her in my house if my husband isn't here (even if I were). It wouldn't bother me if she came into my house as long as my husband is here, even if I am gone.

I think that if someone is not in a new relationship, they can make a unilateral decision to let their ex come into the house at will. But, even TOS admits she would not want her ex's new wife in her home. It's not that different than most SM's that don't want the ex in their home when there is nobody there to supervise. It can feel like a violation to have a stranger in your home where they can snoop or even if they just use the opportunity to pass judgment on how you keep house or live your life.

I would have no problem with ex's being in our home while we are here if the kids want to show them things. My son walked my ex through our whole home last summer after we bought it. And my skids gave their grandparents (bm's parents) a tour of their bedrooms on their recent visit. I would not even mind bm being in our home to see the kids rooms if we were home. When I was single and my son was young I had moved an hour away from my ex so I could be close to work. Instead of having him give up his weeknight visitation I let him come hang out at my home with our son and even sleepover some nights. Of course he slept in my sons room with my son or in the living room with my son.

But I think that going into your ex's home when your ex is not there and not having permission is just wrong. And I think what really bothered me about my dh's ex being in our home while we were not there was that it was the same home they had shared together.

Have I ever been jealous? No.

"But I think that going into your ex's home when your ex is not there and not having permission is just wrong."

I totally agree! But who's permission would we need? Should FSD's permission to come into her own house be enough? Or should we have called BM and got her permission? Or should we have asked SF?

If it were me dropping skids off at their bm's home and she was not there and they wanted to invite me inside I would not go in. I would simply say:

"I do not want your bm to be upset that I was in her home when she was not home, maybe next time when she is home you can show me_______."

I think that as an adult you need the other adults consent to enter their home.

I think you were okay Ashley because SF was there when you went in - he could have asked you not to if he wanted to. Different then you guys 'sneaking' in when no adult was home.

I don't believe FSD can give 'permission' as it's not her home, legally. I think the parents/owners/adults should have the chance to decide if they want you in their home or not.

TOS, I asked because I wondered if you ex would just come on in since he had lived there before. I think your situation is a little different because you are not remarried and you have a decent co-parenting relationship with your ex. If it was flipped, and you were popping into the ex's home with TOW I think that would be off.

justnotmartha,

I don't understand what my marital status has to do with whether or not it is ok for my exH to come in my house with our children when I am not there. Do you have to ask your spouse for permission before you bring a friend into your house? Do your children have to ask both parents?

I wouldn't want to go into the house that TOW owns because I don't want anything to do with her and it would make my skin crawl, but if my kids actually had some reason to invite me in to show me something or whatever, I think it should be ok for me to go in.

Thanks Mom2 and JNM for the advice! Mom2 - that's a good line and I will use it in the future. I agree that it should be one of the adults giving us permission, but, as JNM said, SF was there and he didn't say anything to us.

Do you think that BM should have told us to leave? If it would've been me, I would've waited until after she got home or maybe even the next day and talked to FDH about it. I surely wouldn't have made a scene in front of FSD and NEVER would I have my kid tell their own parent to leave.

The way she got so upset makes me think that she was trying to hide something. That was during the time they were lying to us about moving, but we didn't know it. FDH said that she gets really angry and agressive when she's lying or hiding something and he thinks that's what the deal was.

TOS-

The skincrawl reaction is why we don't let BM into our house. What is good for the goose however, is good for the gander. In theory, what if your kids WANTED you to come into her house to show you something? Could you put the icky skincrawl thing aside or would it be too gross?

Like in our case we refused to go into BM's apartment even though it was OK with her and the girls wanted us too because in your words "we don't want anything to do with her and she makes both of our skin crawl."

It's a real difficult situation which involves duty to your kids, boundaries and personal comfort issues. Which should be considered more important? It's such a hard choice. I just don't think I could suffer through an hour long visit with all of us in the same room. The girls would love it though....it's really hard.

With BM's history I DEFFINATLY would crap a brick if she went into our home when we weren't home! She steals from her own mother when she visits. Sigh.

I can't imagine my kids ever asking me to enter her house - of course I can't imagine them having anything there that they wanted to show me that they couldn't just as easily bring out. When they did visit, they just slept in the spare bedroom or occasionally in a spare bed in one of her kids' rooms - they don't have anything that is "theirs."

TOS, I think it matters some because it isn't your house with a new partner - a symbol of your 'new life'. I didn't say it makes it okay, I think it would be less offensive given the nature of your relationship.

I don't understand why my house wouldn't be just as much, if not more, a symbol of my "new life" as it would be had I bought it with a partner. Buying a house on your own is definitely more of an accomplishment and more of a symbol of independence than moving in with some guy.

It doesn't seem that, in general, having the exW come into her exH's new home is particularly offensive to the exH - the one who finds it offensive seems to be the new wife.

Warning - upcoming blanket statement: New wives in general seem to be very territorial and often not totally convinced, deep down, that the husband's relationship with his first (or previous) wife is completely, 100% over. Sure it is nice to share firsts, but there are a lot of firsts that the majority of first wives didn't share with their husbands either. Most guys don't marry the first woman they ever slept with. Very few people marry the first person they ever kissed, or even the first person they ever thought they were in love with. The difference is that there usually is not a child around to constantly remind them that someone else had been there first, and no matter how much the SM may realize consciously that it is in no way the child's fault, there is still some resentment and jealousy.

TOS, I agree, my house is not as luxiorious as Xs but it means just as much if not more to me. I always assumed that Xs SO was so territorial becuase:

1. She knew her current husband had an affair. (Ok, not commeon to all second marriages).

2. She knew her current husband had left one wife. I think it will be easier for him to leave his current wife. He is apparently having affairs, has solid prenup and no children with her.

So TOS, as you are a second wife you fit into the mold of your blanket statement, correct?

Did I ever wonder whether he was completely over his first wife - sure, but was married for a very short time, then had no contact with his exW at all, and they had no children, so his exW was not really an issue. Actually, since I believe that love is permanent, I think he never stopped loving his first wife, and that's ok with me.