Thats not how step parenting is in my house, there is really no differentiation (DH and I make all the decisions jointly and BM has no opinion and she's a NCP). You are dealing with BM territory issues, she's angry not only because your stepson is living with you full time but because you're an involved stepmom and to many BM's thats threatening. I think you are correct its YOUR household and family as well and you do get a say especially if it impacts YOUR budget, schedule, etc... Your opinions may not matter to her but they do matter in your own home and in your life. Sounds like she just has some serious control problems, I sympathize with you. Is DH supportive of your contributions in regards to the children?

He's VERY supportive and loves the family enviornment I help provide for the kids (something he claims they didn't have much of when he was married to BM). And I know that's all that matters when it comes to our household, she just sometimes really gets to me - not because I care how she feels about me or what she says about me (never TO me, oh no, only about me) it's how she treats my husband still, and the poor kids.

""I think their upbringing is primarily their parents decision and responsibility regardless of the parents living arrangements. External participants should be there to support these decisions, NOT make them. I have done a lot of research and have talked to professionals who say the exact same thing Parents ultimately should be the decision makers not step-parents.""

I agree with this statement. My kids are in a somewhat different position, because they live with me (their mother) and see their father for weekly dinners. Most of my kids see their father's current wife once or twice a year - yet she still thinks her opinion matters, and on one occasion came to a parent teacher conference for a child that I am not sure she would recognize if she bumped into her. I don't think there are any circumstances where it is appropriate for a stepmother to attend a parent teacher conference or volunteer in the classroom unless the mother gives her permission or the father is a full-time custodial father and the mother is out of the picture. Nor is it appropriate for a new wife to "defend" the father - if I were a man in that position, I would be embarrassed. It may be sexist, but I suspect a lot of men would feel that real men don't depend on someone else to fight their battles.

Yeah it is sexist. My husband and I are both very supportive of each other, it goes both ways. I'm sure he would do the same for me, if our situations were reversed. And since I didn't really expand on what the defending entailed, or how it was handled I guess you can't really intelligently comment there.

Yes, yours is a somewhat different position. If I only saw the kids 2x a year, I would not be that involved. But when the kids are with someone 50% of their time, that person certainly does have the right to speak up about how things are handled 1) in her own home; and 2) when it affects her financially. I didn't need the bio-mother's permission to volunteer at the school. All I needed was my husband's - and the child's. Both of whom were thrilled that I took enough interest and care to be that involved.

I'm glad you spoke up with your opinions but it doesn't really apply in this case. But it is interesting to hear the "other side" from someone who sounds fairly rational. Though it sounds like you are maybe just as threatened by your kids' stepmother as my husband's ex is by me.

I don't think threatened is quite the right word - she is detestable, controlling, and a number of other adjectives, some of which are unprintable, and I feel a bit sorry for my exH even though he brought it on himself. She is prone to outbursts of anger at several of my kids and has intentionally harmed all of them financially, and has consequently done a really good job of alienating them.

Hi Dianaj4,welcome :)

First I want to say I think it's great you volenteer at your SC's school.Here's a question,does their own mother do that as well?
I do agree that the bio-parent should generally be the descion makers,at least with the really big things.However,as you said,it is your home,and your money as well,so do have some say.
Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your step kids.As long as your step kids dont seem to mind you volenteering then I dont see a problem.Most kids are happy to have any extra love and support they can get.

Its wonderful that you are involved, and I can sure bet it means alot to the kids. See BM is forgetting a very important point - its not what She wants or what is good for her its what is good for the kids and what is good for THEM. I highly doubt they will look back on their life and wish you spent less time with them or were less involved.

"what she says about me (never TO me, oh no, only about me"

Oh I know this feeling! You don't know how many times BM has called my husband because 'we need to have a talk about YOUR wife' and embark on a half hour me bashing session over something ridiculous, sometimes as petty as the character choice on a 1st graders backpack (especially funny considering he picked it out). At least you can breathe easy in that your skids are old enough to kinda see the situation for what it is. Trust me, if she continues to be nasty about the situation and you stay the course being as loving as you are to them, its not you they will grow to resent, it will be her. I'd say as long as DH is supportive and you have a happy household, do your best just to ignore her and laugh off her complaints.