Oldest step daughter HATES me!

10 years ago

My husband and I have been married for 1 year. We are expecting a baby in March. I have 5 kids from a previous relationship and he has three. His oldest is a 24 year old daughter. She absolutley hates me! She has since day 1. She threw a fit because I am 12 years younger than him and my youngest child was 2 at the time. Now that I am expecting a baby she says that all three of them with have nothing to do with the baby. That is not infact the case. The other two kids son 20 and daughter 16 are fine with it. She is evil. She unfriended me on facebook and is ignoring her father since she found out other than to spout off once about no one wanting the baby, that I am too young for him, etc. This chick lives two hours away from us and has her own child! She said she will never explain to her som why his aunt or uncle is younger than him so she will never let them see eachother. My husband has even said she has been his #1 since she was born. Which in my opinion is wrong in the first place because he has two other children. She does weird things like making sure he "has" to talk on the ohne to his ex when I am around. When ever we are at a function and his ex wife is there she has to get a picture with her whole family meaning my husband and her mother but does not find it important that her boyfriend..the father of her child is in the picture! I am going crazy because of this girl. I would expect it from a child but NOT an adult!!! I need some advice!

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Comments (5)

mkroopy
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
How about you just ignore her and devote your time to the rest of your brood? With 5 kids and one on the way, how do you even have time to worry about her little hissy fits?

Sorry just never understood the need to have so many kids...planet is crowded enough.
amyfiddler
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Were you seeing him before his divorce ended?
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Dyinginside, Your husband stated that it will end in divorce because of you and his daughter. one thing: HE SHOULD NOT DEFINE HIS MARRIAGE TO YOU ON THE BASIS OF HIS DAUGHTER . PERIOD. BIg red flag here. and to top it off he's not interested in going to counciling now????? I agree with sweeby, you have leverage, use it. You are in your parents home. If your husband thinks that is where its heading and he has made the decision to not change this direction, because he's the one who can change this or at least put his foot down and say to his daughter, she is my wife i love her , stop treating her like Sh*t, then there is only two things you can do. 1. Tellhim counciling now and work it out while being at the parents house. Cause counciling does cost and financially you'ld be in better position to do this... 2. If he insists on no counciling and stays.....tell him to leave with his daughter. My feelings on this: If i were under my parents roof, in this situation and my husband said, well i've spoken to my daughter and she still doesn't like ..and i guess if that is the way its going to be between you then i guess i'll have to divorce you....I would tell him, pack your bags now and leave with your daugther please. I would tell him , i know you love me and you love your daughter but if this is the way you think then its obvious you have chosen your path and you want your daughter and there is no sharing of you between me and her. Please have a wondering life and take care of yourself and yoru daughter...Give him time to pack up and go to a relative until he cna find an apartment. WHy muddle through a situation when your husband has obviously made a decision not to act and to pick his daughter? I know you are in love with him but maybe he needs to be alone with his daughter to form a relationship with her and he can't handle the both of you.ITs sad. unless you all go to counciling i dont think this will work. You will be left alone and resent not acting faster.
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From what i have read, yes there are plenty of issues with the ex-wife, and now the SD, but the one thing that sticks out is actually the husband. I don't want to offend... but he sounds a bit spineless. It's not really want you want to think about the person you love, but his ex behaves the way she does and he allows it. He caves in, he gives her what she wants, and the daughter has learned this behavior as well. She knows that it doesn't matter how she acts, she can guilt trip him into getting whatever she wants. She also knows that he does not require her to show respect to you. In truth, he is not showing respect to you to require you to endure poor treatment. (i could be wrong, maybe he gets upset at her when she acts poorly to you) this is just what i can see based on the comments you have made. This is also the most difficult position to be in, because you can't make him stand his ground and change some of the boundaries and respect issues happening. It's something only he can do, and because he hasnt, and doesn't, you keep getting hurt by it all. The guys are usually afraid that if they don't give their ex whatever she wants, that she will make a big fuss and cause problems and drama and keep him from seeing his children. But, this child is an adult now. He really doesn't have to put up with any of this unless HE WANTS TO. Your husband is choosing to let the situation hurt you, to avoid having to take a deep breath and be the bad guy and tell both his ex-wife and daughter that this situation is not ok. If he had done this much sooner, you might not be dealing with a SD who has a lot of issues now. He helped teach her how to behave like her mother. He allowed the mother to treat him and you the way she does. Ex's will ALWAYS cause problems at some point or another. It's human nature and part of the grieving process when a relationship breaks. But not setting correct boundaries, and your husband not showing YOU the respect he should have is what has created this nightmare that does not seem to have gotten better despite 14 years of marriage. After all this time, he is still answering all of her phone calls. Why should she stop calling? She knows he will answer. Why should she stop guilt tripping him about his daughter? She knows he will do whatever she asks him to. There is no reason whatsoever for this ex, and now this daughter to behave any differently than they are. Why should they? They are getting what they want. And, it is your husband who is allowing it. The problem is not really the ex, and not really the SD. For women, it seems to be much easier to set those boundaries, to enforce them, and to insist that our ex shows respect to us and to our new partners. Most often i hear from ex-wives who say that they do not have these problems with their ex-husband. maybe because they had no problem moving on? Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to get your husband to stand up for you and your new family together, and you two as a couple. If i knew those answers I wouldn't be in a similar situation. They have to want it themselves. Maybe you are TOO understanding, TOO considerate, and TOO willing to put up with it? You will not change the ex, or the SD, but your husband is married to you and loves you and he has built a life with you. You do have a right to ask him to do something about his own behavior.
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I don't think that this is all that much to do with what you have or haven't done. It seems to me that the mother is manipulating the girl into 'choosing her side'. And yes I know; this will NEVER be admitted out loud, ever. Not by the mum or by the daughter. Been there, I can relate very well. We have also been in that situation where the oldest daughter stayed with us for a longer period of time and all of a sudden the youngest one didn't want to come to our house anymore. She came up with some reasons that weren't very substantial. It really was a loyalty issue; she felt she needed to do right by her mum by picking her mum's side (mum feeling rejected/betrayed by the oldest daughter). But she never said anything to that effect of course, it is all very subtle. A simple example; mum might talk on the phone to a friend, knowing youngest daughter is within hearing reach, and say something like: "Oh well, I had planned a nice weekend for the kids but oldest girl is staying with her dad so why do I even bother?" How can a 10 yr old not have feelings of guilt over that? She receives the message loud and clear. So she denies her own needs and focuses on her mum's; which means she will want to stay with mum and not visit dad. So she'll tell her mum she's rather staying with her, and mum might even reply that she doesn't want to keep her away from her father, she should really go. She might feel like her mum is being so supportive of her, and always encouraging her to visit her father. She will believe that it really is her own choice to not want to go to her dad's place. Pretty nasty stuff. And then she has to give you guys an explanation of why she doesn't want to come and stay, so what does she say? She'll have to come up with something so she'll pick something obvious that is hard to argue with (because how can you argue about her feelings being valid or not?) Going to court and getting lawyers involved; sure it's an option; but if mum plays dirty (using manipulation and guilt) then I don't think that going down that path will help your fragile bond with your youngest SD. I think it is better to try and reach out to her first. She is being made to choose, resist temptation and do not pull the rope back! It worked for us. Instead of discussing the reasons that she told us for not coming to stay with us we left that alone and took a different approach. We showed understanding for the difficult situation she was in, not that she was admitting that. But we told her anyway that we imagined it can't be easy for her and that we understood she felt the need to stay with her mum more. Once we stated that as a matter of fact, she knew that we knew. So she didn't have to make up 'reasons' anymore either, that took the angle out of that one. But it didn't mean that the situation changed; we still saw her a lot less. What we did do was try and help make it easier for her to come to our place by being more flexible. For example when she says she doesn't want to come and stay for the weekend you could suggest she can still come for dinner on Saturday night (not sure if you guys live close enough to do this). And if that doesn't work out for her Sunday lunch would be great too. That way you actually help her negotiate a very difficult situation with her mum where she can still spend some time with you guys as well. You need to help her to keep in touch with you guys. I don't think you are an evil stepmom, have you heard of the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, it will help you a lot I think. Hugs to you and all the best; hang in there!
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sylviatexas1
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
what mkroopy said.
willpower654
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The above posts are kind of insensitive and not very helpful to destini181...I really think that people come on here and post when we are very upset and have no one else we can talk to or get unbias opinions from and I think people should be a bit more understanding of the position posters are in...I know myself I have been scared to post and have received some comments which are a bit rude and not understanding... I am new here as well but I do A LOT of reading from posts even from years ago...

Mkroopy's advice is good to just ignore the behavior... If your husband's daughter doesn't like you... which she is making very clear, she may not be over the divorce of her mother and father... And obviously does not have any respect for her father's decison to marry you... Either way, shes 24 so she will continue to have this view about you most likely.. and when she is ready.. (ie if you two last a long time) she has to come around. If her father chooses you as his partner regardless of age, previous children etc she has to respect that or basically not be around him... You should kind of try to put yourself in her shoes a little bit, I think it would make you understand her anger and maybe you wouldnt be so upset about it. She is immature clearly and is possibly doing things to upset you purposely or she is just an insensitive person and doesnt care about other people's feelings. Either way, you have your own immediate family in the house with your children, one on the way etc so really, don't sweat it. If you read other posts... it is for sure a good idea to make sure that any really rude or unacceptable behavior towards you is intervened by your husband.. It seems like an on going problem for blended families on here that the step mothers are always fighting their husbands to stand up for them. So I would say make sure to nip that in the butt ASAP! If we let them slide we have really horrible problems later on.

She may even be looking for the negative attention.. and by you freaking out or getting emotional she is getting a reaction. Just ignore it all as mkroopy says. If she doesn't want her child around you or the grandfather than who cares. I mean really let her win and say what she wants... just keep your life, direction and the immediate people in your life your focus. These daughters these days are out of control....

Just a side note* my dad is with a woman who is his 3rd woman after my mother. Every single one of the woman he chose I have always shown respect to. Even at a young age. Regardless of my personal opinions of them, the current gf he has now I don't really like the things she does, or the way she acts sometimes and my dad and I talk quite often. He will be upset or hurt and vent to me. But I never let that take over. Everyone is human. If dad likes her and she treats him well to the best of her abilities I'm cool with that. Even if I didn't like her at all and couldnt stand the sight of her.. I would never put my dad in a position like that... He's a big boy he can handle his own decisions and if he needs moral support I am there....

I really think it is the way these kids are being brought up these days with ZERO respect for elders...

Goodluck and I hope it all works out...
Try not to stress too much with the pregnancy and all! :)
emma
10 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If you were still married you are lucky she just hates you. My sister ruined a marriage and it resulted on her step son killing himself with a shotgun.

Oldest step daughter HATES me!

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mkroopy

amyfiddler

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