Oldest step daughter HATES me!

12 years ago

My husband and I have been married for 1 year. We are expecting a baby in March. I have 5 kids from a previous relationship and he has three. His oldest is a 24 year old daughter. She absolutley hates me! She has since day 1. She threw a fit because I am 12 years younger than him and my youngest child was 2 at the time. Now that I am expecting a baby she says that all three of them with have nothing to do with the baby. That is not infact the case. The other two kids son 20 and daughter 16 are fine with it. She is evil. She unfriended me on facebook and is ignoring her father since she found out other than to spout off once about no one wanting the baby, that I am too young for him, etc. This chick lives two hours away from us and has her own child! She said she will never explain to her som why his aunt or uncle is younger than him so she will never let them see eachother. My husband has even said she has been his #1 since she was born. Which in my opinion is wrong in the first place because he has two other children. She does weird things like making sure he "has" to talk on the ohne to his ex when I am around. When ever we are at a function and his ex wife is there she has to get a picture with her whole family meaning my husband and her mother but does not find it important that her boyfriend..the father of her child is in the picture! I am going crazy because of this girl. I would expect it from a child but NOT an adult!!! I need some advice!

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Comments (5)

mkroopy
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
How about you just ignore her and devote your time to the rest of your brood? With 5 kids and one on the way, how do you even have time to worry about her little hissy fits?

Sorry just never understood the need to have so many kids...planet is crowded enough.
amyfiddler
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Were you seeing him before his divorce ended?
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GBB, I don't know if it's even that he resents you trying to parent him, because it would be more logical that it happen all the time - not just mostly when Dad is away. Poor kid is probably terrified that his BM left, now Dad is gone... is he really going to come back? What if you leave too? The pressure of waiting is too much, and maybe he figures he's just going to force the issue and behave badly so you leave too and it's all over with (like people who settle a lawsuit that they have a good chance of winning because the strain of the whole thing dragging out becomes too much for them). Plus, if he acts badly he gets Dad's attention when he does come back (going out for ice cream). Wish I had a magic answer for you. DH went on a week-long business trip last summer and SS veered wildly between overly-clingy and loving to me and just horrible out of character bad behavior. I don't have three other kids to take care of on top of it like you do, and I was a wreck by the time DH got back. It was completely mentally and emotionally draining. (Since it was summer, I spent one entire week with a child who literally would not leave my side from 8 AM to 9 PM - either clinging and saying "I love you, I love you" almost non-stop, or screaming and having actual temper tantrums.) Does DH have internet access on his trips? Can you Skype or maybe have SS and/or DH create videos (with a webcam) to email to each other? Phone calls are good but video seemed to be even better. Maybe DH could write a note for each day before he goes to give to SS each morning that he's gone? Ask SS what would make him feel more secure; at nine he might be able to answer. But DH also has to let him know that no matter how worried he is it is not acceptable to say these things to you. Good luck!
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I can't offer any advice except to move away if possible. That is the only way to be free of it. I offer that suggestion because my son went through a situation similar. He is married to someone like that and it got so bad he wanted to hit her. When his company closed for a 2 week shut down he checked himself in the hospital mental ward for help. They counseled with him and finally told him the marriage is dysfunctional and the only way he will ever have a normal life was to move so far away she couldn't follow him. At one time he moved two states away and she followed him. He didn't leave her and he is still fighting the same battles. They will never end.
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Hi Kasey and ChloeMichelle. I'm glad you both wrote in. It helps to hear others thoughts. I have a 'grown' stepdaughter as well. She's 25 and has a 7 yr old son and a 19 month old daughter by 2 dif. dads. She's not married but living with the father of the 2nd child. The 1st child's father beat her and she never filed a report so she doesn't want to fight for child support b/c he might want to get custody and she doesn't want to chance that. She's just like her mother - - - very rude, abrupt, unfriendly, hateful, etc. The guy she's with now is totally supporting her and both kids. she stays home. She's tried school about 4 dif. times now and has decided not to go back this year. As far as I hear from my grandson, she doesn't cook much, I know she doesn't clean much. If this guy dumps her she has no way to support both kids on her own. My grandson has come to visit and told us he knows what 'the weed' is, that he can smoke when he's an adult. His mother even told us she took him to get his hair cut in a mohawk (he wanted one b/c his uncle's got one) and he 'chickened out'. A mohawk on a 7 hr old - yep, that'll get him in the right group of friends. :( I'm with Chloemichelle - what do I think I can do about it? Not a thing. I'm with you Kasey on the fact that it is as frustrating as anything I've ever dealt with before. I didn't have kids of my own. I want so much to have a positive effect on the grandkids AND the stepkids (I also have a 21 yr old stepson that has caused some issues but not near as many as the 25 yr old!). I keep telling myself to be here for the grandkids and show them a different side and then hope and pray that they turn out differently. I can't keep my husband from spending time with the kids but it is so unpleasant sometimes b/c they don't really talk to me or act like I'm not there. I put up with it b/c I want to spend time with the grandkids. I've been married to him for 10 yrs so I'm somewhere in the middle of where it sounds like you guys are. I don't THINK I have the drug issue to deal with and am very thankful. Keep your chin up and be as positive an influence as is possible for your grandkids. We're the ones that maybe can make all the difference.
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Thank you for your honesty. I have been divorced 3 times due to them cheating and being physically abusive I don't want to go through another divorce and I am on disability and get little in social security I can't take care of myself financially nor am I able to drive. I am stuck. So I need to make the best out of a bad situation. I love him but my feelings for him have changed due to him and his kids. I just keep telling myself that I just need to put up with it for 4 more years and she will be gone. I just don't know how to handle the four years. He told me last night he understands my feelings and to just ignore her. I don't know how. She needs to be dealt with and he from what I have seen doesn't deal with his childrens behaviors. I have a warrant out for arrest on his oldest daughter who is 18 now and nothing has been done that I know of. She did apologize for everything she had done but I still hate her and don't want anything to do with her or want her over here. How can someone screw up your only two kids? I would like to know what my husband would do if my kids treated him the way his kids treat me. Could he just ignore it? I have asked him this question and he said he can't answer it. Thanks for your help.
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sylviatexas1
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
what mkroopy said.
willpower654
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The above posts are kind of insensitive and not very helpful to destini181...I really think that people come on here and post when we are very upset and have no one else we can talk to or get unbias opinions from and I think people should be a bit more understanding of the position posters are in...I know myself I have been scared to post and have received some comments which are a bit rude and not understanding... I am new here as well but I do A LOT of reading from posts even from years ago...

Mkroopy's advice is good to just ignore the behavior... If your husband's daughter doesn't like you... which she is making very clear, she may not be over the divorce of her mother and father... And obviously does not have any respect for her father's decison to marry you... Either way, shes 24 so she will continue to have this view about you most likely.. and when she is ready.. (ie if you two last a long time) she has to come around. If her father chooses you as his partner regardless of age, previous children etc she has to respect that or basically not be around him... You should kind of try to put yourself in her shoes a little bit, I think it would make you understand her anger and maybe you wouldnt be so upset about it. She is immature clearly and is possibly doing things to upset you purposely or she is just an insensitive person and doesnt care about other people's feelings. Either way, you have your own immediate family in the house with your children, one on the way etc so really, don't sweat it. If you read other posts... it is for sure a good idea to make sure that any really rude or unacceptable behavior towards you is intervened by your husband.. It seems like an on going problem for blended families on here that the step mothers are always fighting their husbands to stand up for them. So I would say make sure to nip that in the butt ASAP! If we let them slide we have really horrible problems later on.

She may even be looking for the negative attention.. and by you freaking out or getting emotional she is getting a reaction. Just ignore it all as mkroopy says. If she doesn't want her child around you or the grandfather than who cares. I mean really let her win and say what she wants... just keep your life, direction and the immediate people in your life your focus. These daughters these days are out of control....

Just a side note* my dad is with a woman who is his 3rd woman after my mother. Every single one of the woman he chose I have always shown respect to. Even at a young age. Regardless of my personal opinions of them, the current gf he has now I don't really like the things she does, or the way she acts sometimes and my dad and I talk quite often. He will be upset or hurt and vent to me. But I never let that take over. Everyone is human. If dad likes her and she treats him well to the best of her abilities I'm cool with that. Even if I didn't like her at all and couldnt stand the sight of her.. I would never put my dad in a position like that... He's a big boy he can handle his own decisions and if he needs moral support I am there....

I really think it is the way these kids are being brought up these days with ZERO respect for elders...

Goodluck and I hope it all works out...
Try not to stress too much with the pregnancy and all! :)
emma
12 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If you were still married you are lucky she just hates you. My sister ruined a marriage and it resulted on her step son killing himself with a shotgun.

Oldest step daughter HATES me!

Comments (5)

mkroopy

amyfiddler

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