A few beers doesn't usually doesn't cause a blackout and a blackout is a sign of alcoholism. Some people that have blackouts with lower consumption of alcohol may have an inability to metabolize the alcohol and should not drink at all since blackouts are dangerous. That is the first issue that should be addressed. A good, responsible parent does not expose their children to an alcoholic partner when they don't have to (ie. he is not their father so he does not have to be in their life).

He's been in your daughter's (16) life since she was 10? Have they ever had any kind of relationship or has it always been rocky? Has your daughter ever been in counseling to discuss her feelings over being abandoned by her own father? I'm sure it's been difficult for her to see her younger siblings have an involved father and she doesn't. Then, along comes a stepfather that the younger kids love and her relationship with him is 'rocky at best'. She doesn't feel loved or accepted for who she is and it sounds like he isn't trying to build a relationship with her. He's the adult and he is responsible for acting like the adult. Does he have children of his own? I'd suggest parenting classes and/or counseling so he can learn that her behavior is normal & typical of a teenager. I have the same problem with my husband, having unrealistic expectations from a teen... it's because he has never raised a teen, his child is 9. But, I really think counseling for your daughter is more important because it sounds like she has unresolved issues...

Ima, I have to disagree, I see more issues with SF. He is being verbally abusive and alchoholic. At a miminum, I would suggest AA. I drink wine, so am not a teattoler, but if he is passing out he has a problem. And dont kid yourself, unless he makes some effort to change his behaiovr he will continue abusing the older one, it may get worse, and he will start on the younger ones. OPs statement that she has 4 children says it all. Being a mom to the 16yo should come before a second marriage. If he cant respect the older DD, he should go.

Oh for gawds sake kkny how do you see making a few comments about SD's boyfriend as being verbally abusive? What exactly was said? Maybe the girl just set up that scene to go out and spend the night with this boy. I am sure many parents have experienced this kind of outburst from their hormonal teenagers. You can say something like you look nice today, and they counter with something like, what are you saying I usually don't look nice?

What qualifies in your mind as verbal abuse?

Did your husband start drinking after you got married? I totally agree a few beer would never result in a blackout unless there is a metabolic problem.

Colleen, it sounds like OP has actually heard many of these comments and she described them as rude. But we can hear back from her. But I think you are twisting whaat OP said. I think when a SF starts denigrating his SDs boyfriend, it is a red flag, and mom better pay attention.

The teenage years are the worst. I got along great with my stepson until he became a teenager, and then the relationship completely deteriorated. I think while a parent usually has unconditional love and is able to deal with the "terrible teens" and forgive/forget outrageous behavior and ugly verbal attacks, most step parents have much less tolerance.

How often does he "drink a few beers?"
Because his behavior that nights sounds pretty worrisome. If it's more than a 'one time thing' then he sounds like a problem drinker and that problem needs to be addressed PRONTO.

Now how about taking an objective look at your husband and daughter's behavior. How 'selfish, disrespectful and I-want' is her behavior? How much of her resentment of your husband is unfair and unwarranted? Does she have the emotional maturity to not act snotty to Hubby even if she dislikes him?

What about Hubby? How many of his expectations are unreasonable for a normal teen? When DD does do something good, can Hubby see it and does he? Does he say anything good? Or is his poor opinion already set in stone? Does he filter everything she does through a set of negative expectations? (See the Thurman posts) Can DD really do no right with him? And does he have the emotional maturity to apologize for the other night, wipe his 'scoreboard' clean and treat her with respect if she does the same?

It's very difficult when doing what is best for one child conflicts with what is best for others.

Sweeby,

My guess is that OPs DH will continue to be nasty to the older one, and then start on the younger ones.

Hey sweeby, I forgot please forgive me. But how many daughters have you raised?

The younger ones will eventually be 16 year olds. This is probably unfair, but I wouldn't marry a guy who sat around all evening drinking beer. Very bad sign. You put your kids first in your life and he will probably put beer first in his.

I think you ladies have been watching far too much Dr. Phil. What is his favorite catch phrase: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior" COUGH, what a bunch of crap!

I'd be concerned about his alcohol consumption but I disagree that he will 'turn' on the younger kids when they get older. They have been around him since they were little and it's more likely they have always been accepting of him, where as the older child was already in a difficult situation of being fatherless and watching her younger siblings enjoy a relationship with their father. Step dad enters the picture and 10 year old daughter that is already dealing with issues of being abandoned by dad/or lack of dad's involvement, now has a step dad that takes away mom's time & attention... younger siblings like him and everyone is happy about the situations, except 10 yr. old. Her lack of acceptance of step dad may put step dad off, they end up in a situation where they both look for reasons to dislike each other and criticize one another. Both are 'competing' for mom's attention. and if the problems have been ignored for six years, or at least unresolved, then it is going to escalate as she becomes a rebellious teenager. That is where they are now. I'm guessing that OP has tried to resolved the issues since she says they thought this had all been worked out before they got married. It's an ongoing issue for the daughter & step dad and probably won't be resolved completely... it's something they will have to continue to work on until the girl is grown.

If his alcohol consumption has increased since the marriage, it's a sign that he is using alcohol to deal with the stress of the family situation. That issue needs to be addressed first. If he isn't willing to get help for an alcohol problem, then it's a no brainer. He should not be around her kids. Allowing him to be around her kids while abusing alcohol is choosing him over her kids. The kids are being harmed by it.

I stand by my suggestion that SD16 needs to deal with the issue of her dad not being in her life. Whether her step dad is there or not, she needs to deal with her feelings on her own dad, otherwise she may end up having difficulty in her own adult relationships.

Ima, isnt it just as likely that SF finds it easier to bond with the younger children? I think it is hard to put this mostly on the teen given the information from OP. Getting SD help to deal with her not having a dad in life is fine advice, but I dont think the problems necessarily start with the child and I dont think helping the child is going to solve the problem. Unless OPs DH can respect all her children, OP will eventually lose the respect of not only her oldest child, but the others too, as they grow older and understand the family dynamics.

Colleen777, I don't understand your attack on Sweeby. I thought her comments were well thought out. And yes, I have raised a teenage daughter. At times it was very rough, but now we're both older it's all good.

She was home well before her curfew.
He made rude comments about the boy that she likes and sent her into a convulsion on tears..crying so hard she couldn't catch her breath. She begged me to let her stay at her best friends house....what was I to do? I let her go.
Only to find him passed out when I came back to bed....

This is more than "trouble with their relationship".

This is disgusting, slovenly, alcoholic abuse.

been there, done that, have no use for & no sympathy for any adult who indulges himself this way, especially at the expense of a teen-aged girl.

You da momma.

Kick this p!$$-poor excuse for a man to the curb & take care of your children.

It sounds to me like this is your daughters' second step-father, since you have two younger children with a different dad? Did she bond with that man (husband/boyfriend)? If he was like a dad to her, then it would be even harder for her to bond with a new "Dad" at age 10. Sounds like she not only has lost her bio dad but also a second father figure. She may have had some cynicism from the very start about whether this one would stick around. I could be totally off base, but that is what my first thought was.

But I have to agree with the others about the alcohol abuse. Drinking alcohol to the point where you say rude things to a child and then pass out, with no memory later is just not cool. Sure, she probably reacts more because she is a hormonal teenager, but most parents take that into consideration before comments are made. I think you need to have a serious sit-down conversation with your husband. I know your other kids love him but none of your kids should be growing up in an alcoholic household. The damage will last their entire lives...

Colleen - Both of my kids are boys - one 17 and one 12. Your question was short and in writing - so no clear 'tone' -- but it did sound like maybe you were offended at something?

What I was trying to say is that Dad's drinking sounds like it might be a problem, and that the interpersonal relationship problems could be the fault of either or most likely, both. Without more information, I couldn't really say.

I know teenage girls can be very hormonal (from memory of my own rocky adolescence, not mothering experience) and that a certain amount of moodiness and attitude is completely normal. Of course, that doesn't make it more pleasant for others. Or, teen daughter could really be acting horrible because of her own abandonment issues and problems she would create with any man Mom got serious about.

The other possibility is that Dad's got the 'Thurman complex' where Daughter's every breath is grounds for resentment. Or worse, as KK suspects, where all of the kids are targets and the oldest is just first in line.

Time for the OP to provide more information --

Hi Madrum,

I'm a 47 year old husband, stepfather and father, and I have a few questions before I give you a detailed response.

Why did you and your current husband spend time apart at the beginning of your relationship? What did you have to work out?

Has your current husband been married before? You say that he is immature. How old is he?

Thanks.

Athlete