I am in a same sex relationship; we are both women. She has two children; a boy 15 and a girl 12. I don't have children and this is the first time I had ever been involved with someone who has children. At the time that we met, the boy had been living with his father since he was 8. He has ADHD with oppositional defiant behaviors. As our relationship progressed, I told my partner nearly verbatum at the time, that "while I see our relationship coming together and progressing in a normal manner in which the next step would be to build a life together, I want to be clear and up front that while I love you, living with your son will not work for me, so is there any chance that he would ever move in with you barring a death to his father?" She said no...
Two years later, and after having built a home in an executive n'hood, at 13, he asked to move in with us. I was adamently opposed to this for the reasons previously mentioned, but because he failed school twice living with his father, there wasn't much choice. The boy is now 15 and will be 16 in November. Not much has changed since he moved in. Hes managed not to fail school, but at the same time his disrespectful attitude and mouth still remain active. Some specifics on these events may be helpful to any readers of this. When the question of moving in was posed to her by then 13 year old son, it was late May 2006 and his father would later tell my partner, "heÂll be leaving her in late July to move in". There was no discussion on either part and although I expressed my concerns over this as well as reminding her that I did not want to live with this child, I was basically forced into this situation without any consideration at all. I have no idea why she didnÂt have any discussion with him other than the fact that she retained main custody. I do not blame her for not knowing what this child would do or for her allowing him to move back in. I just did not care for the fact that the father didnÂt bother to discuss this issue with either her or me knowing that a non parent would have to be involved. It was as if once he said the magic words "heÂll be moving in with you", my partner didnÂt question it at all and frankly IÂve never understood or agreed with that.
HeÂs been here for 24 months. And itÂs been a roller coaster of the kind I wouldnÂt wish on anyone. The first few months he absolutely refused to do anything she said regarding school and homework. He defied her at every turn. The first year he was suspended from school several times, nearly failed school, and what has been an ongoing pattern for 18 of those months has been a never ending quest to battle, put down and insult his mother ever since moving in. What has also continued are the battles over curfews and his disrectful mouth. She spent a $1000 sending him to a two week camp to enjoy himself and when he returned yesterday, all he wanted to do was go to his friends and demanded that his mother give him a ride. When that didnÂt work, he wanted to go to his fathers. She told him, "you were gone for two weeks" and no sooner did she say that, he said, "and I didn't come home to see you." Such a little darling.
IÂve made it no secret that I want him to move back to his fathers, but his mother wonÂt have any part of that since the kid failed school under the dadÂs watch twice.
He has said of my partner, that sheÂs worthless, pathetic, a loser and an embarrasment. He has said of me that IÂm a mental case. He only says these things to her and myself all the while he is completely polite and respectful to everyone else. Before you ask, yes heÂs in counseling and takes ADHD meds. He constantly struggles to control her and when he doesnt get his way, out come the put downs. He told her he did not want to spend last xmas with us and didnÂt. He went to his fatherÂs. Frankly I wouldnÂt have gotten him anything for xmas let alone wrapped the presents and the things I did get him, I did not give to him. She on the other hand got him very nice clothes and even wrapped them. It was after New Years that he even opened them. He was more interested in the play station portable that his father got him than anything he got here.
My opinion of the reasons he moved in here is that he sees his mother as a source of wealth that he can tap into; but its failed because he doesnÂt get many the things he wants. That in his mind makes her all the things mentioned above. His father on the other hand makes far less money is far less educated (10th grade) and is his role model. He treats his son equal to himself and this carries over here in this house when this kid attempts to place himself in a position above his mother.
His father canÂt buy him things because they donÂt have the money. He resented his mother getting child support (sheÂs the custodial parent) because his father ÂcanÂt afford itÂ. The truth is that his father doesnÂt manage money well. HeÂd rather buy an $800 hunting license than pay for his sonÂs ADHD meds.
But I digress. My issue here is that IÂve reached my limitations living with this kid. IÂm 50. I donÂt have children of my own, never been with anyone else who has, and although I"m close to the daughter, I canÂt stand living with this kid and hearing his constant put downs of his mother. IÂve tried to in the past talk this over in therapy sessions, but IÂm to the point that I just canÂt take living with this kid any longer. I have nothing to look forward to when his mother tells me that he wonÂt graduate HS until heÂs 20 because he failed school twice living with his father; and that each school year heÂs going to act like an ass. At 50 years of age, this is not what I had in mind for my gearing it down years. My partner is 36. And even if he lives with her another 4 years, sheÂll only be 40 when that nightmare ends. Not me, IÂll be 54 years old. And I canÂt bear that thought.
His mother understands that but it shatters her world on two counts. One, she doesnÂt feel she can call his father and have the child return to live with him. She wonÂt even entertain calling him to ask even though the kid lived there for five years. Two; she knows this means her moving out which she canÂt fathom doing. Why should she have to ruin her life for a kid who is, yes, using her and who had no interest in living with her until he realized he could get in on this ÂactionÂ. I know this comment may not go over well, but I also know that this kid isnÂt stupid. HeÂs being groomed by his father to be sexist and he, to me is clearly using his mother. This is a total no win situation. I finally told her yesterday that I canÂt live with this kid in my house that I worked so hard to get to this point in my life only to have it desecrated by this child's toxic mouth and attitude. I obsess over when the next blow out will take place with his mouth.
I donÂt know what to do. I donÂt want to lose my relationship with my partner or her daughter, but this boy ruins everything we have together.
theotherside
trish99Original Author
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