I hope someone can shed some light on my situation because I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity. I have been married to my 2nd husband for nearly 10 years. At the time we married my husband had a son, 26 and daughter 20 and I had 2 daughters, 20 and 23 and son, 26. Things were rocky from the start with his kids, who really wanted nothing to do with us other than to get money and gifts. I foolishly thought my husband and I had a lot in common in terms of being parents/divorced/kids ages and so on. Had no clue about "blendered" families. To be fair, I, in my ignorance made a lot of mistakes and I have expressed my apologies for inadvertently hurting feelings and treading into places I might better have tiptoed into early on. There has been no such acknowledgement from the adult daughter who continues to treat me as if I am invisible. (The son is explained below.)

My husband's son died in his sleep 3 years ago apparently from obesity/diabetes/depression that went untreated despite continual and serious attempts to help him that were not accepted. My step daughter treated her father expecially horribly during the time of the funeral, acting angrily and avoiding him, rebuffing his attempts to comfort her and participate in the arrangements. This was a devastating time on several levels. Her biomom took this time to suggest to her daughter that her dad was once again actively drinking at the funeral. I know for a fact that he was not. It alarms me that a mother would further stress her daughter out at a time like this adding an unecessary burden of negative information to her already stunned and heartbroken soul. (Ironically, after the visiting hours, my stepdaughter and her friends decided to "honor" (her words) her brother by going out with a group of friends and getting completely drunk at a bar, so much so that they still reeked of alcohol the next day at the funeral!)

My husband was admittedly a lousy husband to his first wife and she remains bitter, but pretends to be friendly. Her tactic is to "seed" questionable information. We recently discovered that she told her daughter that her dad incested her brother and that was why he was so messed up until he died at 33 years of age. My step daughter says she blames her father for her brother's untimely death. After she recently shared this information with me, I went into shock. I realized that this information had been shared with at least several other people: his ex's new husband, and his daughter's new husband as well--at least 4 people knew of this for several years. I went on a quest to discover the truth because I felt I could not be married to a child molester, even if it was done in an alcoholic black out. What I have learned about people who do these things coupled with what I know about my husband, I honestly believe that he is innocent. (His daughter says that her Dad never touched her.) It's possible that his son WAS molested, but I don't think my husband did it. Considering that there isn't any proof at all, including that his son never said anything about it even when asked directly, I became enraged that his ex and daughter would accept this as truth and proceed to act upon it, living with this for years without attempting to get to the bottom of it. I barely made it 4 days without confronting my husband because I just couldn't live with it.

His daughter has never stopped reminding her dad of his failures from 25+ years ago in spite of the fact that during his years of fathering he provided a home/clothing/food/vacations/parties/holidays/showed up to support his kids at school events and generally performed his fatherly duties better than my own kids' father did by far. (There was no violence in the home other than verbal shouting because of the alcohol.) After sobering up at the end of his 23 year marriage, he began a guilt ridden campaign to make up for his failings in the years before. Hence, the spoiling and lack of boundaries with his daughter.

At this point, his daughter lied and excluded him from her wedding, (even so he bought her an expensive wedding gift)still believes he is a danger to her expected baby, is always one step away from him yet is available for free dinners, expensive gifts, and whatever else he chooses to give her because she says he "owes" her. (She is a class A hinter, I might add.) Any time he tries to talk to her, she bursts into tears and drama and he has given up on talking for this reason. He has apologized to his ex more than once and she isn't interested in what he has to say. He has apologized to his daughter repeatedly, yet she still continues to bring up incidents from decades ago. They seem to be stuck like a broken record.

Here is the problem: he is an absolute sucker for this treatment. If he is angry, he never expresses it to his daughter or anyone else except me. She is treated like a princess while I am left to deal with life in my very capable way. I don't know if I am just making too much of this inequity and should count my blessings or if this is really unacceptable. (For a small example, shortly after his son died, and his extended family thought he should be "over it" I gave him a small clear stone with a tiny angel in it. He was coming in the door after work, falling into my arms in tears of sorrow. It was just devastatingly sad to be around. I thought he could carry the angel in his pocket for a little comfort now and then. He promptly took it and gave it to his daughter. I was really hurt because I meant it to be from me to him and not something he gave to her, especially after she treated him so coldly.) For ten years this stuff, large and small has continued and honestly I don't see it changing. I feel lost, confused and depressed and don't know what to do. We keep fighting about it and there is so much distance now. I am 58 years old, attractive and smart, yet I dread what seems like many long years ahead playing second fiddle to a draining and selfish step daughter and guilt-ridden husband. I am completely dependent on my husband for financial support and scared of how I can possibly take care of myself on my own at this point should things break down further. Can anyone provide a perspective? Thank you so much for reading through all of this!