Let me start by saying my Mother died of a long battle with cancer not too long ago (and it was not a peaceful death). My mother and I had a very close relationship. My father began dating my SM 2 months after my mother died, announced to me he was going to marry her only four months after my mothers death (my parents were married for 26 years). I've been furious, not with her but with him. Now how does that impact my relationship with her? At first I wished she would just go away, I felt my father had disrespected my mother and was irritated I at 26 I had gone from no siblings to 5 step-siblings and now step-nieces and nephews that are almost my age. I've always and always will be friendly to my step-mother. Do we have a relationship? No. Has she ever talked to me one on one? Never. Its just been an issue of no attempt has really been made on either side. I am still angry with my father, and probably will be for a while.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your mother, Sieryn. You've had two losses - your Mom and really, your Dad.

I know of a situation that is somewhat similar to yours in that there was a long-term marriage, the wife passed away and the widowed husband began dating within months of her death.

It left all of the adult children from the first marriage very uncomfortable with the new woman in his life (and they are married now, too). I don't know why it is that some men who are widowed marry very quickly after the loss of their wife.

Do you think your Dad was terrified to be alone after being married so long? I can understand why you wanted her to go away - it was way too soon.

Thanks for responding - this really helps me a lot. My situation was DH was divorced, but I'm thinking that maybe I should try to talk to my oldest SD. I don't know how to do it. I'm kind of afraid - she can be "salty". But I think it is defensiveness.

I would like for her and her Dad to be close again.

Good evening;

I am both a SD (for the last 35 years) and a SM for the last 17 years.

My father and his wife, of almost 35 years, have just divorced. I am not unhappy about this. She has issues that are very serious and help is needed. However, she and my father had many years of marriage that were very difficult for my two sisters and myself. When they married he had the three of us, she had four of her own and they had two together.

I am just now able to get to know my father. His wife had very serious jealousy issues. My sisters and I were not allowed to hold his hand or go anywhere with him unless she was present. Even then, we were not allowed to sit by him in the car or walk by him while shopping. We were not even allowed to sit by him at dinner. As you may guess, we grew to dislike her and were never able to bond with our father. My sisters and I were very young when our parents divorced, 5, 3, and 2 years old.

Many years later, I married a man with 3 children, and I had one of my own from a previous marriage. My husband adopted my daughter, who was only 4 months old when we married. His children were SD 8, SD 6 and SS 3. I just adored the children and while they were young it seemed very easy. Unfortunatly; his ex didn't like the situation, it was too happy. (I think she figured out that she let a wonderful, caring man go). When my two SDs got old enough, maybe junior high, for their mother to start manipulating them, they decided they did not like me or want to come visit. My SS was the exception, he and his father were best friends, and he lived with us for many years, up until he was 15 or so when he went to live with his mother. There was no anger or problem, he simply wanted to live in the area she was. When he graduated from high school there, he spent the next year partying, which his mother condoned, and even bought alcohol and cigarettes for him and his friends. He ended up in an alcohol related motor vehicle accident as a passenger and was killed this year in April.

My 2 SDs had guarded, but friendly attitudes toward me until the death of their brother. They now blame me for taking their father away. They know their mother left him, but somehow in their minds it is still my fault. I think when children have anger (even adult children), even from something you cannot control, they pass that on to the easiest target.

I know I am not helping you yet:) Your SD is an adult, you need not beg for her friendship. As you may know, it is a friendship you are after. You are not trying to be her parent at this point, she does not need that. I tried for many years to be that to my two SDs. I bought many clothes and toys for their children. When they got into financial trouble, their father and I always tried to help, if possible. I know now, after they broke the truth to me, they were just using me. They had decided long ago that I was the root of their anger toward their parents for splitting up. At this point, I am not trying to push any part of the relationship, I am done. I know your situation may have more potential than mine does, but I just think that it is her responsibility as well as yours. You say she is "salty". That is not a mature way to deal with you, as you are trying to befriend her. I don't know for sure, but it seems similar to my trying to buy my SDs friendship. They quickly learn they can be rude, or blame you, but you will always come back for more.

I hope this has not been too long. I may not have helped, but you sounded so much like me, always trying to step up to the plate and make the relationship work. Step back and let her come to you for a change. Let her see that you make her father happy. If she is an adult, or becomes one, that will make her happy as well.

Good Luck, I hope this helps. Sometimes just knowing other people have been there helps:)

Kim

June, I posted this in the STEPMOTHER FROM HELL post, but I saw you created a new post just for this topic, so I'm cutting and pasting into the topic. Apologies, but I wanted to make sure I put the answer in the right place.

---------------------------------------

June0000, this is in reply to your questions of adult stepdaughters.

First, a recap of of my situation:

I've been a stepdaughter for nearly six years. My dad was a widower of just less than a year when he met my stepmother and they were married within just a few months. The relationship was tentative at first, dissolved to anger (from her) next, then polite and strained for about six months, followed by outright hostility (again, from her) for about six months and then she cut off all contact between my dad and his family.

How did that happen? He went from being a fairly healthy man in his mid-60s to suffering an array of health problems, sleeping all the time, etc. When people called, they either got the answering machine and phone calls went unreturned, or my SM answered and refused to put dad on the phone.

I tried everything I could think of, including contacting their minister to set up counseling, but nothing worked. Ultimately, dad was estranged from his family for nearly four years. He finally reached out to his brother, his terminally ill sister and me and my siblings about eight months ago, although all contact with his family takes place in secret and behind my SM's back.

So, to answer your questions: For those who dislike their SM, did you dislike her from the start or was it something she said or did that made you dislike her?

I didn't dislike her from the start. I didn't entirely trust her because she started chasing dad while still married to her previous husband. She told everyone a bunch of lies about herself and her past, including how many times she'd been married. When I realized she and dad were getting serious, I wrote her a letter telling her how happy I was that dad had found someone and was happy again. I told her that, while I didn't need a mother, I'd be happy and honored to be her friend. I received no reply to the letter for almost three weeks. I finally asked dad if she'd gotten it and he replied that she had. About two weeks after that, I finally received a card that made no reference to anything I'd said.

Nevertheless, I reached out again and gave her a fairly nice gift to welcome her to the family when I found they'd become engaged. I gave it to her in person. She opened the box, looked blankly at the sterling silver picture frame and didn't say anything. She stuffed it back in the box, put it back into the gift bag and said, "I have to go now."

She said she wanted a large wedding, but also wanted to get married in less than a month. I suggested to dad that perhaps they were rushing things a bit. I got the feeling that he thought so as well. The next day, she called me back and started screaming and carrying on about how I was ruining their lives and trying to control my father and that they'd nearly broken up and that they had considered a double suicide!!!!! Then she abruptly changed the subject and said the wedding was going to be the following Sunday and they were just going to have a ceremony after church. I went, took pictures (because she hadn't hired a photographer or anything) and later made them a wedding album. I never heard a thank-you from her.

When the first Mother's Day rolled around, I didn't feel comfortable giving her a gift, but I did give her a card and a flower. No response. I gave her birthday gifts. No response. I gave her Christmas gifts. No response. The second Mother's Day, I gave her a gift and a card. The only response to that was a screaming phone call to tell me she's not my mother and she doesn't WANT Mother's Day remembrances from me. She steadily tightened her grip on my dad, told lies about me and my siblings to family members and friends and proceeded to nearly destroy my family.

To this day, she tells people in my hometown elaborate lies about why no one ever sees my dad's family around and it all centers on her being the victim and everyone else attacking and trying to destroy her. She's very convincing and people who ought to know better believe her. My dad did too until he started realizing that what she was telling him about what his children did or said simply didn't match what she told other people. He said she'll never admit she's done anything wrong. It's always someone else's fault.

So, no, I didn't dislike from the start. I don't ever want to have to see her again. To be honest, I pray for the day she is out of our lives for good. I just hope it happens before my dad dies.

I forgot to answer your final question: Is there anything she can do to mend fences?

I'd like to say yes, but the truth is I don't trust her. I've been burned too many times by her saying one thing and doing another. I just want her gone and I want it to happen before my dad dies, so he's able to have some sort of relationship with all of his family.

I love my SM and I am so glad she is a part of our family. She and DF married when I was in my late teens - over 20 years ago.
She told me recently "I knew I was never going to be a mother to you, so I concentrated on being a friend."
TBS, she is maternal, just part of her personality.
It took a while to get to know her (more to do with me than her) but what I saw and still see: She makes my Father happy and she is a caring and loving person.
I think it did take years for me to fully appreciate her, but I went from accepting her to really liking her pretty quickly.
Truly, she is one of my favorite people.

I do not have a good relationship with my SM. I could write a grocery list of do's and dont's but decided to give you 2 examples of what I feel set the mood of our relationship.

Mom died one month after I turned 21. I had just married the year before. Dad remarried quickly. SM moved into our family home. They started their new life on top of our old life. Nothing had been changed in the house since mom died. SM came in like a bull in a china shop. I was forgotten and expected to "just get on with it".. It was filled with landmines for me. The pain of losing my mom the woman who gave me life couldn't begin to heal. Looking back I wish they'd moved or very least taken the time to talk it thru with me. Instead SM told me she was the new woman in town and that I had better respect her. She actually tried to demand respect from me...this from someone who was sleeping in my mom's bed.

My dear old Auntie handed me a letter on her death bed in tears. (She was dads aunt) Her granddaughters had decided to throw a last min 50th wedding anniversary informal dinner at a local restaurant for her and dear old Uncle. Everyone received one week notice. SM and Dad couldnÂt attend they had prior plans. SM sent a nasty letter to my dear old Auntie trashing Auntie's Grandaughters for not being taught to preplan and how they required at least a monthÂs notice of any invite. She said she was upset with the granddaughters and me too, as children need to be taught about preplanning and that I always did the same thing to her. Auntie was crushed. It was just dinner with a few people. A better response from SM would have been to say. Thank You, but weÂve made prior plans and canÂt attend. This was the last time I saw my dear old auntie and she didnÂt deserve a letter like this. It was uncalled for.

Hi June0000,

My parents divorced when I was sixteen, and I have had two step mothers since then. I think the one I have now is a winner -- because my father is happy with her.

I think an adult stepdaughter's feelings toward her stepmother are generally based on the following:

(1) the circumstances under which her parents divorced/separated and
(2) the "role" that the father has allowed his daughter to play in his life.

For me, I knew, even as a young child, that my parents we no good match. I loved the two of them dearly, they were great parents to my brother and I, but they were totally wrong for each other. So, their divorce wasn't heartbreaking or shocking for me, as I knew that it was inevitable.

Additionally, my parents never gave me the impression that I ran the show. They never allowed me to manipulate them or even THINK that the world, much less, THEIR worlds, revolved around us. They didn't allow me too much into their "grown folks" business, so I never learned that it was my place to tell my parents what they should be doing. Don't get me wrong, I would voice my opinions and never felt that I couldn't, but they didn't let us get too far.

I have been cool with both of my stepmothers. Part of it has been due to the fact that, once I was an adult, I have always lived in a different state than my father and his wives. As a result, I never knew much about the intricate details of their relationships. All I knew, for the most part, was what I gathered during my conversations with my father, and through my periodic interactions with the SMs. I had no problem talking to them on the phone. The current one and I sometimes e-mail about things related to my father (not to just make conversation, though). With my current SM, I would be happy to develop a more significant friendship. If we do, great. If we don't, we're fine where we are. She's a great lady. Very sweet! I tell her in the cards that we send her that I realize that she makes sacrifices for us (even though my brother and siser and I are very low maintenance).

Ok. In sum, I think I get along with my SM because my father hasn't allowed his children to push him around or get too deep into his busines, because of the distance between myself and SMs, and because we all try to be considerate people.

I don't know if that helps. I don't think it does, now that I look back at what I wrote, but I hope it does.

I'm adult SD with a SM that is very toxic. She poisons everyone who happens to be in her life. She has two adult BDs that are totally screwed up. One is seeking professional help and the other is an identical clone of her. When she married my father, it was her intention to destroy his relationship with his children. My weak father has enabled her behavior and now he is paying the price. He is unable to accept the fact that she has destroyed his relationship with his children just to get back at him. I know that her passive aggressive attacks were to get us upset, but her intention was to put my father in his place. My father does not want to accept the fact that his wife does not love him, because it is clear that someone that loves you doesn't try to hurt you and the ones that you love. Instead of protecting his children, he chose to protect his wife and this is because he fears being alone. There are two types of fathers, one that protects his children and the other one that protects only himself. I'm coming to terms with my situation and the best thing for me to do was to distance myself from my toxic father and SM. As long as my SM is in the picture, I don't see any resolution to this problem. I also pray for the day that she out of my father's life for good because that is the only way that I will have a chance to work on my relationship with my father.

Analytical,

Your generalizations about stepmother/stepdaughter interactions are lacking one vital element: the conduct and actions of the stepmother.

Analytical,

Your dad is on his 3rd wife?

And how you get along with her, is basically bend over backwards? As a low-maintencane child, to be grateful?

I forgot to answer this question: Is there anything she can do to mend fences?

Honestly - the fence has been torn down. Mending isn't an option anymore. It was HER decision to disengage. I don't recommend disengaging to any SM. Back off for a while if you must but if you try to seperate the family into two sides you are creating heartbreak that can not be mended.

lily - you're right. That's the thing. As I was thinking about the original question, I had a tough time figuring out why it is that I had/have fine relationships with my stepmothers.

So, ok. Here's the answer: they didn't do anything that was particularly bothersome. They treated us well. Period. That's it. They didn't have the audacity to say anything crazy (to our faces) about our mother; and they didn't have the audacity to say anything crazy about me or my siblings to our faces. We also never heard of them saying anything inappropriate about us to anyone else. Furthermore, his current wife seems to have a good head on her shoulders and seems to be a good match for my father. So, she's not DOING anything that I deem bothersome, inappropriate or crazy either.

The thing that they did right is/was make sure that my siblings and I didn't/don't hear any crazy mess come out of their mouths. And, they never did anything to make me want to snap off. They laid low and kept effing cool (as far as we know). How bout that? Does that answer the question?

kkny - how did you come up with bend over backwards? Being mindful of the fact that someone has to make sacrifices and sending cards for the appropriate occasions isn't bending over backwards - it's being thoughtful and considerate.

And when the second and third wives came along, I was already an adult; therefore, I was low maintenance because I was not and have not been one of these needy adult stepchildren that some of the folks on this forum are unfortunate to have. Some adult stepchildren are, actually, capable of taking care of themselves and not emotionally straining their parents relationships. Being a low maintainance ADULT child is a GOOD thing.

"I tell her in the cards that we send her that I realize that she makes sacrifices for us (even though my brother and siser and I are very low maintenance)"

How can she be making sacrifices for you if you were low maintenance?

kkny - she makes sacrifices for us by virtue of the fact that my father spends time and money on us (we three kids span a 21-year period) that could be spent on just her. Granted, that's the choice she made by marrying a man who has children. But, I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that we all share the love, affection, time and money of my father. WE SHARE. There are some women who marry men with children and then get irritated that they have to share with his children. Maybe that's one of the reasons we all seem to get along so well - she's sweet to us and we're sweet to her. And none of us are any crazier than the average person.

And, just for argument's sake, so what if we did bend over backwards to make our SM feel welcomed? What would be so wrong with that? From what I've read on this forum, some SMs bend over backward. Why can't it go the other way, too? Sometimes it takes one member of the relationship exercising super humility and kindness in order to create a good foundation. I'm not saying that anyone should do so much in a relationship that they put themselves in a detrimental position. I'm just saying that sometimes, depending on the situation, someone needs to extend the olive branch. We didn't bend over backwards for either of our SMs, but we certainly didn't want them to feel uncomfortable or disliked. It takes a lot of effort to consciously treat someone poorly for an extended period of time, and, quite frankly, that's not something that we were taught to do - to anyone - SM or not.

June0000 - Based on what you've said here, I cannot see why your SD would not like you. You seem like you've genuinely tried to cultivate sincere friendship relationships with your SDs.

Geez. There's only so much one can do, and it truly seems like you've tried your best. You've already extended the olive branch. Some folks are just . . . tough to deal with. As you stated in your last sentence, SD may just be one of those folks whose inner unhappiness constanly comes out into the open. She'll come around, eventually. I really hope the situation gets better for you.

June,

I think you're right: Anyone (SD, SM, BM or DH) who comes into a stepfamily relationship with negative feelings is going to poison the pot. Some people are just toxic ... with everyone.

I know of a situation that could have turned out badly, but didn't, largely because of the stepmother. Several years ago, the mother of a large family of grown children died at a relatively young age. Her children, of course, were devastated. The father is a difficult man and the marriage had some rough spots early on but had seemed better in later years. THREE WEEKS after the mother's funeral, her widower began dating a new woman. His children were devastated and outraged. And yet, three years down the line, the kids love their SM very much and include her in all family doings, embrace her with cards, phone calls, etc.

Why? The SM's actions in the past three years have been exemplary. She has reached out to each and every child. She has several children and grandchildren of her own, but treats all her steps exactly the same as she treats her own. Although she moved into their mother's home, she let all of her stepchildren come and take anything of their mother's that they wanted. They boxed everything else up. She is kind and loving and has carried herself with grace and sweetness. In fact, I was at a family gathering recently with them and watched as one of the toddlers walked through the room. Suddenly, the child veered over to her stepgrandmother, climbed into her lap and laid her head on the woman's shoulder, where she received a kiss on her head and a cuddle. That shows true love and acceptance on both sides.

Good stepfamily relationships can happen, but it takes work on all sides.

Analytical, no nothing is wrong with it. I just asked for an explanation. Which you provided.

Perhaps it is really dependent upon the personalities and perceptions of the parties involved as to how everyone gets along. If you have a person who is just downright mean and insensitive, there really isn't hope for a healthy relationship because they are going to say and do things that cause division and bad feelings that are difficult to overcome.

I totally agree with this statement. This person could be the SM, BM, DH, DD, or DS in the relationship. In my case, it's my SM, in your case it's your older SD. Your SD doesn't appear to be toxic, she just seems to be unhappy. She may not like her work or maybe she's having problems with a relationship with her BF/DH. When this happens, the person becomes a big grump with everyone. Don't take it personally. Most grumps just want to be left alone. You should learn to read your SD's moods. If she is in a good mood, she will probably be approachable. If she seems to be in a bad mood, stay away.

Hi June,
I decided to ask a friend who's relationship with her SM is successful to provide a little insight on what she likes about her SM :

She has always been the kindest person from day one to all 3 of us..

She has been there thru thick and thin

She has never treated us any different then her own 3 daughters

She has never judged us or said one bad word about us to anyone, refers to my brother as her number 1 son..loland when she said that she looked at us and said I hope that doesnt offend you girlslol.we laughed and said actually its the only son you haveand she laughed

Has been there thru all our weddings helping with all preparations and thru all births, and thru all surgeries

She is a wonderful grandmother to my son and he is not treated any different then her own grandchildren..

She is a little person with the biggest heart I have ever meet

When we are all together and we meet new friends of hers and dads she introduces us as there daughters and son in laws

If you need and ear to bend, she is right there she makes time for each one of us and helps us thru our difficult times

I once said to Chad, I miss my mom so much sometimes, he said well call her I looked at him like he was crazyHe said she is only a phone call away, I said what are you talking about, he said Donna only lives 5 min from here, she has been a true mom to you for over 20 years, yes your mom raised you but the second half of your lives donna has been there when your mom couldnt..and he is rightAnd Donna always has praised my mom for raising us kids to be who we are today

I love her and thank her very much and I do this almost on a daily basisShe e-mails us during the week to keep us updated since she works nights and we dont get a chance to talk to her, but she only works up the street and there have been times when we have needed her for something or just to see and visit her at work, that she has the biggest smile on her face when we go there and she takes her break to spend that min or so with us

She is the best!!!...

June, you wrote: "In the bigger picture, though, she does behave this way to other people, too, including her Dad and sometimes her own Mom, so maybe it isn't as personal as I think it is. Maybe it is just her and she is an unhappy person."

BINGO.
I'm all for taking the opportunity to make relationships better, but it sounds as if this one is out of your control. Continue to be fair and kind, but you may have to accept that your SD has issues that your behavior and actions cannot change.
Best of luck!

Thank you everyone, again, very,very much.

Your posts have helped me a lot as I've pondered what I did, what I can do, etc. with respect to my oldest SD. There really isn't anything I can do as it takes two to make a good relationship. I've stepped back and what will be, will be.

I'm really happy today. My husband shared with me an email his youngest daughter (an adult in her 20's) sent him this morning. She wrote to him to make sure he told me "hi" from her and that she wanted to get together with us this weekend - and she said that though she'd seen him recently, she wanted to see me, too.

This is why I just love this SD. She lets me know that she likes me, as a person, and that she respects the place I have in her Dad's life. And, I respect her place and her importance in her Dad's life as well.

We're not competitors - we just have a tremendous amount of love for the same man and that man is her Dad and my husband. I wish it could always be this simple, but with her, it really is.

Thanks again, ladies.

I have a stepmother who became my stepmother when I was a teenager. I have a good relationship with her. She's a nice person who I would probably like and be friends with if we met through some other means, and she's certainly been my stepmother long enough for me to consider her family. She didn't exactly help in "raising" me, per se, but certainly she's family as much or more so as my sisters-in-law; also nice people, but I never shared a house with either of them, which I did my stepmother for a few years.

On the other hand, I have a not-exactly-stepdad (has been living with my mom for about 15 years, but not married) who I am civil to but don't particularly have a good relationship with, nor do I desire to. Why? He is simply someone I don't like, and wouldn't choose to spend time with given a choice. He is a bigot; he is prejudiced against pretty much everyone on the basis of race, ethnicity, religion, nationality, sexual orientation-- you name it. I have at least one friend who falls into pretty much every one of his "those people" categories. Short of becoming an entirely different person, no, there is nothing he could do to make me feel differently toward him. For my mother's sake, I tolerate his presence in the same way I would tolerate him if he were someone else I had to spend time with-- say, an obnoxious coworker or boss. My best possible outcome for the situation would be for his existence to impact my life and my relationship with my mother as little as possible. (I expect this is about to become quite problematic as I'm in a getting-to-be-serious relationship of my own; with someone who is not the same race as me.)

You are talking about adults. They have their own opinions, perspectives, beliefs, preferences, etc, long before you came along. Just they same way you can't force a "good" relationship with everyone who happens to share a workplace with you, you can't force a "good" relationship with everyone who happens to be related to someone you married (or everyone who married someone you're related to). It's not always about the "step" relationship. Sometimes you just don't like someone.

I am so disgusted by some of you step children who just refuse to leave your parents alone,they are a pair who have a life to live and they dont need all your whining kids who refuse to grow up and live an independent life.
What is the problem?
apron string,umbilical cord not severed?
LEAVE THEM ALONE AND GET A LIFE.
DISGUSTING DISGUSTING AND TRIPLE DISGUSTING.
SURE UNDER THE DISGUISE OF LOVE,CUT THAT BS OUT,YOU JUST CANT MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN AND COME HERE TO COMPLAIN ALL THAT PETTY CRAP,PEA SIZE BRAIN AND LOW INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY,
A bunch of pathetic losers.

Dr. Casey,

Here's my prescription for you: Take a chill pill.

Dr. Casey sounds like Norman Bates!

My relationship with my stepmother could use some work. (which is why I'm poking around on the web)

I *think* we've mainly been in different places and looking for different things. All of this is of course complicated by the fact that my three stepsisters and I were all off at college when she and my dad met. Early on she was somewhat involved and I was ok with her, but I wasn't ready to get attached to her or really open up. It didn't help that she and the girls are all very girly, and know *how* to be girly, while I'm not and I don't really have a clue; I felt rather like there was something wrong with me that I didn't 'get' it.
I managed to get to the point of being 'ok ' with my own tomboyishness, while being ok with the occasional girly thing, and being ok with the girl's pooffy girlyness. Through this I'd keep making an effort to stay somewhat involved and in contact (I live in another state, they all live close together) but after a few, um, years I realized that the girls never bother to call me back when I would leave messages on answering machines and the SM would almost never come with Dad to visit when I was just 2 hours away.
Eventually I cracked while moving even further away and talked to my dad about it (I didn't want to cause him any problems now that he was happy) and some of the girls do call back and so on. But there is still this huge lack of involvement from the Stepmother.
I want her to care about me as more then just her husband's daughter, but it's been like pulling teeth to give opportunities to interact since maybe a year after the wedding 6 years ago.

I guess I'd say stay involved, stay accepting of who she is (and that she may be sorting that out), and try to give opportunities to go out and bond when her dad wouldn't be able to be around (so that you aren't waisting valuable visit-with-Dad time).

I am new to this forum - this is my first post. I am a 29-year old SD...and, maybe, future-SM. I have been in a serious relationship for the past year with a wonderful man who has two young daughters who live several states away with their BM. I adore them and enjoy spending time with them every month or two, and the BM and I get along fine. The posts on this forum have been incredibly insightful and I have discussed many of the issues with my BF. But, I want to address the question about my relationship with my SM.

The further I progress down the road to potential SM-hood, and the more I examine the issues that many stepfamilies face, the more I have sympathy for some of what my SM probably went through, i.e. my considering my father's house as solely his and not hers, etc. (My parents divorced when I was 8, SM came on the scene as GF when I was 14, and married my father when I was 23.) I was a typical teenager with a bad, confrontational attitude. I will probably be cursed with the same kids someday - LOL. I am a fair person and I always apologize when I go the wrong way, irrespective of whether the person overall "deserves" it. When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

However, my SM was one my brother and I saw through from the beginning. She is racist, materialistic, and gives the most conditional of love - meaning, as long as you like the same things and hold the same philosophies she does, all is well in the world. Express a different opinion, and she clams up with her smug smile and says nothing. I have never met a more judgmental, bigoted person in all my life. Imagine that with a confrontational teenager...provacations galore. It shocks me that my dad has never seen his side of her (he sees her good attributes and she does have them, like a keen sense of history for example).

I disliked her from the beginning because she trash-talked my mother (who she had never met) and told lies about me to my father. It took her many years to acknowledge and apologize (albeit indirectly) for her behavior...it is also something my father to this day is not comfortable discussing with me. Guess it would make it harder to stay married to a bigoted liar!! She has also abused his financial trust to the point where they now have "separate" finances (what a joke - they live in CA). It is unfortunate that my father puts whatever faith he has left in her to manage his affairs should the time come, and as of a few years back had neither a living will nor trust.

At the end of the day, I accept my SM because she tries hard to make my father's life happy, and easier. She does a lot of things for him. I realize it is not my business that she moved into a house my father saved for his whole life and decorated it with her gazillion crappy knick-knacks - to each her own!! I find their dynamic stressful and upsetting, and their arguments and nit-picking seem to have escalated more over the years. The gift of my own aging has shown me that parents are just people, and we live cross-country now and have limited time together. They cannot tell me what makes me happy any more than I can tell them. Our relationship has changed from an authoritarian, parenting-style to one of adults who see each other at holidays and consult about important decisions.

Another key is that she has demonstrated to me how NOT to be a SM. I pledged from my heart, from the beginning that I would never trash-talk my BF's daughters' BM (and ex-wife), and that I would deal with issues related to custody, finances, etc. with much more dignity and unconditional love than I was shown by my SM if and when the time comes. Finally, I understand why she was given to me in my life!!

Feels good to pop out and say something here, after so many months. Best to you all!

It sounds like she demonstrated how "not to be" in general!! Good luck to you!!!

Dr. Casey- what kind of Dr. are you anyway? Obviously you haven't learned yet that the human heart has the capacity for many types of love: love toward one's children, spouse, lover, siblings, parents, etc......and that it also has the capacity to share that love. How sad that you must resort to negavity and name calling.......seems to me that you just might be the pathetic one. "Love is patient, love is kind, it is not boastful, jealous, or rude". "Love endureth all things".

You are the type of woman that gives SM's a bad name!