finedreams- If you want to post about my situation, may I kindly ask that you get your facts straight? Otherwise, stop running your mouth, especially when you post inaccurate information. janemarie- Welcome. I am the nicksmom that finedreams posted about. Although our situation is similar, finedreams has her facts wrong, as usual. My DH, too is a wonderful dad. He was the same wonderful dad when he was a NCP. And he remains so as a custodial parent. He is very involved..doesn't miss a sporting event, is helping to build the set for SD's upcoming theater performance, etc. His exwife (biomom) moved the kids (my stepkids) 5 states away when they were 5 & 8 years old. They have been flying back & forth since then. They spent summers here and Spring Breaks, 1/2 of Christmas, etc. When SS was in 7th grade, he started asking about returning to Michigan for high school. DH suggested that he had another year of middle school, and if he still felt the same way in 8th grade, we'd talk more about it. He continued to discuss it with DH, and after a year of contemplation and considering pros/cons, felt like it's what he really wanted. He came here for high school, had a stellar hockey career, and is now a freshman in college. When SD was in 5th grade, she started talking about coming here for high school....in 5th grade! She had already done the math and felt that after 9 years in NC, she would want to come here for high school, too. We encouraged her to give it time, she had lots of it! In middle school, she was insistent. We had her do pros/cons. We had hoped that she would be able to discuss it with her mom, but she couldn't ever really get anywhere, as mom was too upset by the fact that both of her kids wanted to spend some of their childhood with their dad. So it did become a court battle. Mom didn't give up easily as finedreams suggested. It was a lengthy, expensive court battle....to the tune of nearly $10K. And as much as finedreams would like to make me (or my DH) look bad by posting lies...never has there been a court order for child support. DH (of course!!) paid child support when mom was CP, but when SS came to live with us and SD was still w/Mom, they agreed that neither would pay CS. Mom is an unsuccessful realtor, and has had no significant income for several years. There was no point in asking for CS, as it would have likely been about $25/mo. So, we do NOT recieve child support, never have, never will (unless mom becomes a realtor to the stars sometime soon!) As for your situation, could it be that your SD16 just needs to re-connect with her mom? I know that my SD just felt like she had spent 9 years w/Mom and it was all good. But she really wants to spend quality time with Dad before she heads off to college...before she's an adult. She said she wants her dad to see her perform, and play volleyball and sing. She wants to look out and see him on the sidelines cheering for her, or in the audience for the standing ovation. It was really pretty basic. I think kids of divorce (especially those who are forced into a long distance situation) tend to sense a lack of connection with the far-away parent, and one way to remedy that is by a move to that parent. If only parents could have a little bit of foresight before they make such drastic moves. A lot of heartache could be avoided. If you and DH have a good relationship w/Mom and with the girls, could you all sit down and discuss it? Has she given any thought to starting at a new school? New sports teams? If Mom is going for a job change or a promotion, maybe CS won't even be an issue. Sometimes it is a "grass is greener" issue...sometimes it isn't. As for expenses, they are old enough to learn about finances and expenses. You don't want them to think that you are punishing them by taking away cell phones, tuition, etc. But they should know that you simply will not be able to afford those things, if that is the case. And maybe Mom needs to know that, too. I hope that you can come up with something that's workable for all of you.

Hello hamsteve I'm new at this forum, but I just read what you submitted on April 18th about your stepdaughter. The situation that my husband and I are currently going through is very similar to yours. I met my husband when my son was 4 years old.. He and I have raised him with very little help financially from his biodad. His biodad was ordered to pay $30.00 per week when my son was born based on the salary he was making at the time. His support has never been increased and so my husband and I have carried the brunt of it all.. my husband has also carried our son on his medical plan through work his entire life thus far. My husband and I decided from the beginning that we thought it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom and so actually my husband has been our sole provider, fulfilling my son's every need... financially, emotionally, etc. etc. Since I did stay home, I sacrificed a lot for my son by not being in the work force and so on ,and besides that, my whole life became my son. I have allowed my son to have a relationship with his biodad because I felt it was best for him, and so I would send him to visit on an every other weekend basis and even the last few years since my son became older, I've allowed him to go on summer vacations with his biodad and family. My son's biodad has since married and has three children with his wife-- two biological and one adopted. They've been living on (from what I here) a $120,000 income for quite some time and live a nice lifestyle. Also, my son's biodad has recently discovered that he also has a 23 yr old son that he didn't know existed. They've used this young man to lure our son because they know that he has no siblings in our home. So yes, he is also our only child. We've been unable to conceive and have a child together. So this makes this whole thing doubly hard. Anyway, to make a long story short, our son has decided to move out of our home and to move in with his biodad and stepmother and siblings there in Kentucky. We live about 2 hours away in Ohio. We are very hurt and feel betrayed almost. Really, we're devastated. We feel we were very good parents and we don't understand his reasoning for this decision, especially based on his biodad's track record. Our relationship with our son's biodad and stepmom has been very distant, but civil when necessary up until our son turned about 14. We found out that they were telling him that he was old enough to make a decision to move in with them and that their home was open to him if he decided to. This went on all during our son's high school years. Then, as our son became closer to turning 18 and becoming an adult, their "manipulations" became a lot worse. Just last Christmas, our son's stepmom began emailing him and saying very negative things about me and saying things to him to try to undermine my role as his mother, such as "when I was 16, I didn't have to answer to my parents and I could make my own decisions. You need to start making your own decisions without consulting your mom about everything." Every email was written to cut me up and down. They began ridiculing and poking fun at our parental choices involving him. It just became very difficult and painful. I almost feel like they've brainwashed our son. I can only hope that this is a phase or part of growing up that your stepdaughter and my son have to experience and that everything will work out in time. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you and your wife aren't alone. We'll be praying for you as I hope you'll pray for us. You can read my full story..it's under hurtinmom38.

As a mom, I understand your wife's feelings. I have two sons ~ 20 & 23. The 23 left at 18 because he didn't like my rules, he came back several times because he couldn't loaf in any one place very long... but when I allowed him to come back, he ALWAYS had conditions! Had to find a job... spend his day looking, not sleeping all day. He had to do chores... more chores if he wasn't working because he had more time. He had to pay $50 a week. and he had to follow our house rules.. no staying up all night watching movies or playing video games, clean up after yourself, and he could only fix himself meals when we were preparing our meals. (He was welcome to eat what we were having but if he didn't like it, he could fix himself something else... but he could only do so when I was making dinner~ not after all the dinner dishes were done & kitchen was clean, because even though he had to clean up after himself, he is not very good at it so we'd end up having to do it over.) Consequently, my son CHOSE to not stay with me very long.. usually a few weeks & he'd find someone's couch. That's why he came back several times. We stuck to our conditions and he kept coming back, hoping we'd let him slide. He eventually joined the military and has matured a lot in the last two years. But, I am also going through it with my 20 year old son... having to stay firm & consistent with the rules. If they don't like it, they are "adult" age and can go do something else. You should not feel like a prisoner in your own home & suspect your wife agrees but it's her son & she doesn't want to turn him away, but maybe is conflicted because she remembers how bad it was when he was there before... I feel for her. Oh yeah, if he is leaving Dad's because he doesn't like the rules or being told what to do, does he think it will be different in your home? I think this is one time you & your wife should get together with Dad & stepmom to have the same rules/expectations in both houses.

Wow, thanks for your input. This is EXACTLY how I feel. The divorce decree says that they will provide for their children's college education -- it does not say they will pay ALL of it. And, they saved her whole life and invested to accumulate a lot of money for her and now it is gone (her mother controlled the spending, so I'm sure a bit of it went for a pretty dorm room too....). The kicker is that she chose this college when she was refusing to speak to her father -- so she never considered the cost of the education. And, she had a chance at a $10,000 scholarship that she didn't bother to return paperwork on AND took $7000 out of her college account to pay for her senior year of high school at the new, more expensive school that her mother put her in when they ran away. As for the law, it does say that father's should pay but that it doesn't have to be a really expensive school and it says that there is an expectation that the child has a relationship with the parent that is actually "parental" (i.e., he has say in things and can set limits for her -- neither of which is true). I guess the bottom line is to really take a firm stand . . . but I'm not sure what that means! Do we tell her she is on her own and that she should transfer if she can't afford it? (BTW, her mother inherited a lot of money and has a stock account from which she could easily write the check to pay for the last 2 years, so I'm sure she wouldn't transfer anyway). We make a good living, but we certainly don't have that kind of money laying around to pay for her -- it would involve us taking loans in order to pay for this and she simply does not deserve it!!! Right?! (I know it's right, but I am also now viewed as the evil stepmom, so I guess I just need reassurances!!!!) Maybe it is time to take the hard stand. Thanks again for your input! It helps to see things through someone else's unbiased eyes!