finedreams- If you want to post about my situation, may I kindly ask that you get your facts straight? Otherwise, stop running your mouth, especially when you post inaccurate information. janemarie- Welcome. I am the nicksmom that finedreams posted about. Although our situation is similar, finedreams has her facts wrong, as usual. My DH, too is a wonderful dad. He was the same wonderful dad when he was a NCP. And he remains so as a custodial parent. He is very involved..doesn't miss a sporting event, is helping to build the set for SD's upcoming theater performance, etc. His exwife (biomom) moved the kids (my stepkids) 5 states away when they were 5 & 8 years old. They have been flying back & forth since then. They spent summers here and Spring Breaks, 1/2 of Christmas, etc. When SS was in 7th grade, he started asking about returning to Michigan for high school. DH suggested that he had another year of middle school, and if he still felt the same way in 8th grade, we'd talk more about it. He continued to discuss it with DH, and after a year of contemplation and considering pros/cons, felt like it's what he really wanted. He came here for high school, had a stellar hockey career, and is now a freshman in college. When SD was in 5th grade, she started talking about coming here for high school....in 5th grade! She had already done the math and felt that after 9 years in NC, she would want to come here for high school, too. We encouraged her to give it time, she had lots of it! In middle school, she was insistent. We had her do pros/cons. We had hoped that she would be able to discuss it with her mom, but she couldn't ever really get anywhere, as mom was too upset by the fact that both of her kids wanted to spend some of their childhood with their dad. So it did become a court battle. Mom didn't give up easily as finedreams suggested. It was a lengthy, expensive court battle....to the tune of nearly $10K. And as much as finedreams would like to make me (or my DH) look bad by posting lies...never has there been a court order for child support. DH (of course!!) paid child support when mom was CP, but when SS came to live with us and SD was still w/Mom, they agreed that neither would pay CS. Mom is an unsuccessful realtor, and has had no significant income for several years. There was no point in asking for CS, as it would have likely been about $25/mo. So, we do NOT recieve child support, never have, never will (unless mom becomes a realtor to the stars sometime soon!) As for your situation, could it be that your SD16 just needs to re-connect with her mom? I know that my SD just felt like she had spent 9 years w/Mom and it was all good. But she really wants to spend quality time with Dad before she heads off to college...before she's an adult. She said she wants her dad to see her perform, and play volleyball and sing. She wants to look out and see him on the sidelines cheering for her, or in the audience for the standing ovation. It was really pretty basic. I think kids of divorce (especially those who are forced into a long distance situation) tend to sense a lack of connection with the far-away parent, and one way to remedy that is by a move to that parent. If only parents could have a little bit of foresight before they make such drastic moves. A lot of heartache could be avoided. If you and DH have a good relationship w/Mom and with the girls, could you all sit down and discuss it? Has she given any thought to starting at a new school? New sports teams? If Mom is going for a job change or a promotion, maybe CS won't even be an issue. Sometimes it is a "grass is greener" issue...sometimes it isn't. As for expenses, they are old enough to learn about finances and expenses. You don't want them to think that you are punishing them by taking away cell phones, tuition, etc. But they should know that you simply will not be able to afford those things, if that is the case. And maybe Mom needs to know that, too. I hope that you can come up with something that's workable for all of you.

Hello hamsteve I'm new at this forum, but I just read what you submitted on April 18th about your stepdaughter. The situation that my husband and I are currently going through is very similar to yours. I met my husband when my son was 4 years old.. He and I have raised him with very little help financially from his biodad. His biodad was ordered to pay $30.00 per week when my son was born based on the salary he was making at the time. His support has never been increased and so my husband and I have carried the brunt of it all.. my husband has also carried our son on his medical plan through work his entire life thus far. My husband and I decided from the beginning that we thought it would be best for me to be a stay at home mom and so actually my husband has been our sole provider, fulfilling my son's every need... financially, emotionally, etc. etc. Since I did stay home, I sacrificed a lot for my son by not being in the work force and so on ,and besides that, my whole life became my son. I have allowed my son to have a relationship with his biodad because I felt it was best for him, and so I would send him to visit on an every other weekend basis and even the last few years since my son became older, I've allowed him to go on summer vacations with his biodad and family. My son's biodad has since married and has three children with his wife-- two biological and one adopted. They've been living on (from what I here) a $120,000 income for quite some time and live a nice lifestyle. Also, my son's biodad has recently discovered that he also has a 23 yr old son that he didn't know existed. They've used this young man to lure our son because they know that he has no siblings in our home. So yes, he is also our only child. We've been unable to conceive and have a child together. So this makes this whole thing doubly hard. Anyway, to make a long story short, our son has decided to move out of our home and to move in with his biodad and stepmother and siblings there in Kentucky. We live about 2 hours away in Ohio. We are very hurt and feel betrayed almost. Really, we're devastated. We feel we were very good parents and we don't understand his reasoning for this decision, especially based on his biodad's track record. Our relationship with our son's biodad and stepmom has been very distant, but civil when necessary up until our son turned about 14. We found out that they were telling him that he was old enough to make a decision to move in with them and that their home was open to him if he decided to. This went on all during our son's high school years. Then, as our son became closer to turning 18 and becoming an adult, their "manipulations" became a lot worse. Just last Christmas, our son's stepmom began emailing him and saying very negative things about me and saying things to him to try to undermine my role as his mother, such as "when I was 16, I didn't have to answer to my parents and I could make my own decisions. You need to start making your own decisions without consulting your mom about everything." Every email was written to cut me up and down. They began ridiculing and poking fun at our parental choices involving him. It just became very difficult and painful. I almost feel like they've brainwashed our son. I can only hope that this is a phase or part of growing up that your stepdaughter and my son have to experience and that everything will work out in time. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you and your wife aren't alone. We'll be praying for you as I hope you'll pray for us. You can read my full story..it's under hurtinmom38.

she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best.

I once heard (I think it was in a song), that "Love is not a feeling, it's an act of the will". Being "in love" is an immature physical/emotional response that happens when you meet someone, and they give you the 'warm fuzzies'. LOVE, the stuff that keeps you going when your world is falling apart. It's what keeps a couple together when one has suffered a tragic dibilitating accident, or is facing rounds of chemo and radiation. It's what makes a person willing to make tremendous self sacrifices, in order to see that the person they love has what they need...the parent who skips meals to allow their hungry child to have extra when there isn't enough food (third world countries)...the person who risks their own life to protect someone who is persecuted (think of during the hollocost...the ones who risked their lives to save the jewish people who were being persecuted)...the man who works eighty hours a week, in order to pay his child support and still allow his new wife to keep her dream of staying home with the baby (THANK HUBBY!!). It's the mother who spends the night holding her sick child even though she has puke on her slippers and her legs are cramping from not being able to move (Thanks mom!). It's the man that spent twenty years twisting wrenches, to keep his family housed and fed, it's what kept that same man doing it, even when the arthritis set in or his knuckles bled from scraping them while fixing cars, or that time he grounded an electrical short in a motor through his wrist watch, welding it to his flesh. Gruesome but true. (Thanks dad...) LOVE is not a feeling. It's what's left after the honeymoon is over, the warm fuzzies have faded. After you've come to realize that that little thing he does really ISN'T cute. After he's come to realize that you (leave the dishes in the sink for three days at a time, stay on the computer until midnight, sometimes annoy the heck out of him...) It's being WILLING to look past the other persons faults and realizing that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling, as meaningful, if that person wasn't in it. It's making a choice, a decision, to do what makes THEM happy, even if it doesn't make you happy, because it will make THEIR life richer. Falling 'in love' is what brings people together, but it's making the choice to develope that into real LOVE, and then acting on that choice, that keeps them there. Maybe that's why so many people divorce. That fuzzy feeling fades and they decide they want out. Maybe I'm lucky. I grew up with both my parents, and they have both demonstrated real love, both for each other and for us, throughout our lives. The personal selfsacrifice for the betterment of others. It's funny, in a sad sort of way, but it seems to me that there would be a lot less people on here if there was more REAL love in our homes. When there is love, there isn't room for selfishness. These dads...who want to be a father to all of their children, not just the ones from their current relationship...that's love. They understand that fighting for access or custody could cause them financial ruin, and that it can make their adult relationships more difficult, especially if they don't have an understanding partner, but they are willing anyway, because they know that their childs life will not be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they grow up without one of their parents. Any partner of a parent needs to understand that their partners life won't be as rich, as rewarding, as fulfilled, if they are denied the ability to parent their child. It shouldn't matter if it makes it harder for you, LOVE isn't about you. It's about him, or her, or them. You SHOULD love your children, and you can, because it IS a choice, an 'act of the will'. As a parent or step-parent you aren't called to LIKE your children all the time, heck, you aren't even called to like your SPOUSE all the time, but you are called to LOVE them. And you can...because it's a decision. Read "Words of Hope" by Bananarama...I'm pretty sure she didn't always like the kids, but she decided to LOVE them...and look, twenty years later that love is being returned in multiple, through both 'her' children and now grandchildren. Love is working through the hard times to get to the better...no matter how far off it seems. And the funny thing is...the more you give that type of love away, not worrying about your own wants, the more of it you give...the more it's returned. Trinkets and toys, money, a bigger house, a newer car, a life with someone who never challenges you to step outside your comfort zone, never asks you to become a better person, that maybe tidy, easy, comfortable, but it will never bring lasting happyness. Loving someone may not give you a 'tidy life', but it will give you a life worth living. My life with(out) step-children is hard, messy, ugly, stressful, draining...I can admit that...but at the same time, pouring my life, my very soul into those I love, my husband, my son, my stepkids, that is what makes my life ultimately fulfilling. When I am (hopefully) old, I would rather die, knowing that, with love, I have enriched the lives of those around me, than die, knowing that I lived only for myself, and left noone who will celebrate my life or mourn my death. They say the best way to love your children is to love their other parent. If you have a child of your own, with your current partner, but you are unwilling to love your partner in the way he needs and deserves (such as encouraging and supporting him in his desire to parent his other children) then in reality, by not showing love to your spouse, you are not loving your own child. It's something worth thinking about. Verena