Spoiled Stepdaughter who lies, steals and manipulates

17 years ago

My husband's daughter moved 2 hours away from him her senior year of high school -- her mother's idea to get her away from us, no doubt. (Mom left behind her 13 year old son....) She didn't talk to us for a while, until she went away to college. During that year, she realized that her mother is manipulative, lies and has created a "reverse parenting" situation where the burden has been placed on the daughter to care for her mother who has personality disorders (my diagnosis, but trust me on this). She reached out to us during that year and we responded by inviting her to holiday celebrations, going to her side when she had an ovary removed (mom didn't fly to be with her, but her father did). We then invited her to live with us during her summer break. She did and it went fine for a few weeks....then she started taking my things without my permission -- going through drawers, jewelry box, closets, etc. She would hide the things and lie about having them until we caught her red-handed. This happened time and again and we tried to discipline her but she ran back to the free-for-all that is at her mother's house (her mother lied to us to cover for her -- as a friend would do -- not a parent). Anyway, by the time she went back to school I was very angry and let her know this -- as did her father. She has now again decided to ignore our emails and have no communication with us (except when she let us know her schedule for Christmas so that we could pay for her ticket home). So....long way to go to say -- can I tell my husband that I do not want her with us for Christmas, and that she should stay with her mother? There is also a problem with money for school -- she doesn't contribute at all, when she worked, she blew all of her money and expects her parents to pay for her $45,000 per year education at a prestigious private university (where I know she consumes massive amounts of alcohol and has a great time). Her father is trying to force her to take some responsibility for her education, but her mother won't allow it...she even bad mouthed him to the school and the school essentially called him a "deadbeat" dad....despite the fact that they have already paid for a full two years, that we took her in after a couple of years of ignoring us, etc. etc.

Ok, this is probably getting confusing and way too long, but I am at my wits end.....I love the holidays and made it very special for them last year when we had the kids (I made Christas Eve our Christmas -- complete with a turkey dinner before they left for their mother's house). I want a special Christmas this year, but I cannot fathom one with that spoiled, lying manipulative brat here!

My stepson lives with us full time and is a very good boy -- he is like his father -- very stable, thoughtful, considers his actions and consequences and does not buy into the crap from his mother.....my poor husband says he is grateful for having his son or he would feel like a total failure as a parent......

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Comments (6)

Vivian Kaufman
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"Her father is trying to force her to take some responsibility for her education, but her mother won't allow it...she even bad mouthed him to the school and the school essentially called him a "deadbeat" dad."

Okay, so WHAT if her mom badmouthed him at school. Big deal. You and your husband know that is not true, and it really does not matter what the school thinks. This is an adult, not a child.

Forcing her to take some responsibility for her education is important. VERY important, and there is no way on this green earth that I'd be giving a liar and thief a free ride. I don't care what her mom thinks or says. That really isn't important.

This adult needs to know that there are standards of behavior that have to be met in order for her father to contribute to her education. No one is doing her a favor by tolerating this or continuing to support her lifestyle.

Time for your husband to stand up to the nutty ex-wife and do what is best for his daughter--not what the ex-wife SAYS to do. What does the divorce decree say? Certainly there are conditions for supporting the college aged children in it.
jerseystepmom
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow, thanks for your input. This is EXACTLY how I feel. The divorce decree says that they will provide for their children's college education -- it does not say they will pay ALL of it. And, they saved her whole life and invested to accumulate a lot of money for her and now it is gone (her mother controlled the spending, so I'm sure a bit of it went for a pretty dorm room too....). The kicker is that she chose this college when she was refusing to speak to her father -- so she never considered the cost of the education. And, she had a chance at a $10,000 scholarship that she didn't bother to return paperwork on AND took $7000 out of her college account to pay for her senior year of high school at the new, more expensive school that her mother put her in when they ran away.

As for the law, it does say that father's should pay but that it doesn't have to be a really expensive school and it says that there is an expectation that the child has a relationship with the parent that is actually "parental" (i.e., he has say in things and can set limits for her -- neither of which is true). I guess the bottom line is to really take a firm stand . . . but I'm not sure what that means! Do we tell her she is on her own and that she should transfer if she can't afford it? (BTW, her mother inherited a lot of money and has a stock account from which she could easily write the check to pay for the last 2 years, so I'm sure she wouldn't transfer anyway). We make a good living, but we certainly don't have that kind of money laying around to pay for her -- it would involve us taking loans in order to pay for this and she simply does not deserve it!!! Right?! (I know it's right, but I am also now viewed as the evil stepmom, so I guess I just need reassurances!!!!)

Maybe it is time to take the hard stand.

Thanks again for your input! It helps to see things through someone else's unbiased eyes!
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Vivian Kaufman
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Past time to take a hard stand, I would say.

It is your husband's place to stand up and tell her exactly what the conditions of continued school support are....i.e. she must maintain a particular GPA and whatever other conditions you set. I would also give her no money for "stuff" outside of a contribution to tuition and room and board. If she wants to having "going out" money, she would need to get and maintain a part time job to pay for those things.

She's an adult now. No one is required to GIVE her things, and if she CHOOSES to accept things, she must accept the conditions by which those gifts are given. Sure, she can go out every night and have a good time and neglect her school, but she'll be making those tuition payments herself. If she wants the gifts that you and your husband give, she has to hold up her end of the bargain or there is NO DEAL.

Independence costs money. If you make your own and take care of yourself, you have it. Accepting tuition and room and board money relegates you to still being a child and under the control of the giver. Those are the options as far as I am concerned.

Mom can scream all she wants, but it sounds to me like it's up to your husband to be the parent.
sweeby
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I have a formerly close friend who sounds similar to this daughter. (She has many other good qualities.) When her father put his foot down and demanded she get a part-time job and refused to replace her perfectly functional car, she simply refused to speak to him again. Mommy picked up the financial slack, encouraged the split, and Daddy was never spoken to again.

When we were close friends, I tried for a few years to encourage her to resume her relationship with her father, but finally gave up, figuring that if she hadn't seen the light (she hadn't), Daddy was probably better off without her...

My point in sharing this, is that either SD will "grow up" or she won't. If she does grow up, then the "tough love" stance will be a good thing, and appropriate. If she doesn't grow up, she may remain a spoiled brat the rest of her days...
jerseystepmom
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well said. I guess we just kept hoping that my SD would rise to be the person we want her to be, but why should she when her mother gives her the easy way out. I agree, it is time to take a hard stand and I will discuss this with my husband.

Funny -- your comment about independence...I remember when I was 18, I said "I'll be poor, but at least I'll be independent." Then I proceeded to put myself through college at night and truly worked my way to where I am -- no one gave me a free ride. That is what kills me about this girl......the attitude of entitlement is disgusting....and while I do get upset with my husband because he also parented her, I realize that his hands were tied...as long as Mom gave her everything she wanted, including a place to escape his parenting.....what could he do? But, now, he does have a chance to show her real parenting......(we did this summer holding her accountable for lying and stealing my/our things...but she just ran back to her mommy....so they can agree how mean daddy and that evil stepmom are!! (Funny though because her brother lives with me full time and loves me, confides in me, and respects me as one of his parents....proof to my husband and me that our parenting is effective and is doing the right thing for the child......which means saying no sometimes.

Thanks for your honest opinions......it really is comforting!!
jerseystepmom
Original Author
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I didn't see the message from Sweeby before, so let me comment -- thanks for sharing that story. I think that is my husband's fear, but as you say, we can't change if that is what she wants to do. You support my position all along -- we need to be parents to her for her own good. If she wants to take the easy way out and, as far as I see it "sell her soul to the devil" then we cannot change that. And honestly, for her brother's sake, I think it is important to take this stand -- so he can see that it is good, responsible behavior gets rewarded....not this. Though the backlash could be large for him -- he still sees his mother 4 days a month and will spend Thanksgiving with them (complaining about us the entire time, I would bet!). Anyway, I guess the message is we need to be true to who we are, do what we know is right, and hope for a good outcome......as you say, the good outcome may be that she is out of our lives for a while, if not forever. I surely don't see allowing her into my life and house knowing that she steals from me and lies about that and everything else.

My husband has a big thing at work that ends today -- he has been working on it for several months now. I told him that I didn't want to burden him until it is over, but that we need to talk (he doesn't know about the comments from the school where the guy went on about how it "makes him sick how dad's think they can divorce their kids too when they brought them into this world and owe them support" Maybe when he sees that his ex and daughter are trashing his name publicly he will finally agree to take the hard road. I feel bad -- he'll be crushed that his daughter would sit back and allow that all with the plan of getting a free ride.....I hope he is ashamed of her and calls her on it....

Thanks for sharing!

Spoiled Stepdaughter who lies, steals and manipulates

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Vivian Kaufman

jerseystepmom
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Spoiled Stepdaughter who lies, steals and manipulates

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Vivian Kaufman

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sweeby

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