i am a caregiver for the elderly,i have been since the early 1980's.my first reason was, i was caring for my husbands uncle who's children wanted to put him in a NH when they found out he had terminal cancer.this man gave to his children,when they needed money they knew when and where to go,and of course this gentle man never complained and always said good things about them.i being only the neice-in-law to this man became close to him,and as he was dying in a coma i heard one of the brothers say,he always yhought of me as his daughter because he only had boys.after that experience i thought to myself i could get paid for doing work like this, i only have to become certified.and i did,throughout the years and experiences i have had even with my husband and children involved in one particular job(alzheimers),one of my hardest jobs.my kids were young and all a part of the care routine.they are grown up now with their own children and are good kids,and are always willing to help an older person in need which to most kids these days don't give an elerly person the time of day.i remember being in a grocery store and there was this little old frail lady trying to get someone, anyones attention to reach and get something on a higher shelf she could not get herself,and you would not believe how many i watched either paid no mind or just shrugged away.whats the matter with most of us???? these are our elders,,they are good story tellers if only people will sit down and listen.we all have a past to be able to have a future,and who gives us that chance????.i am trying to be brief about this and it seems that i could go on and on. anyhow i have been on this one job for approx.7 1/2 yrs. another alzheimers patient,and my experiences on the last several years is somewhat pretty dramatic.to see what this old person is going through with all of the inside bickkering within the family. i study this old person facial expressions and what i see from what i hear from the squabblings makes me wonder,how much does this person really understand and is only not able to communicate with words that can be understood????.we need to pay attention and be careful what we say.this job i was going to leave and did go on another job interview,but when i thought of the reason i was going to have to give was better pay.....thats when i realized that i was going to tough this job out even though it is very stressful for me....i didn't go on another job interview for more money,i guess i just wanred a break...i say to each his own every family situation is differnt and some good people who care more about this elderly people than the money could maybe work someting out with such families as to where these elderly people don't get sent to these homes and can remain in teir own homes...i know it's psossible because one of my jobs i compromised with the family and got paid a certain amount of money,no matter if i worked 80 hours or 10 hours.and i do have my husband to thank for this he stood behind me on whatever i decided,worked at his own job then helped out with other things when he could...i guess you can say god sent an angel 30 yrs. ago to me and i married him!!!!ha ha my apologies for the words that are mis spelled,i am tired but thought i should post this,i am new in here by the way....

I think you just wrote about my situation. I am a therapist. It is called distance and prosuer. It is the most annoying feeling in the world. In my opinion, this is a hard pattern to break, trust me. The more you pull the more they chase, it is a never ending. It can often feel as if you are powerless and leave you with feelings of guilt for their insecurities. Try to be mindful of what you want. Marriage is difficult and finding a good man is even more difficult, with that being said, I would ask him some questions... When he does what you call passive aggressive behavior, stop him in the act and ask " why is it that you are doing this? Ask him, what it means to him to have your attention and what does it mean to him to NOT have your attention. Let him know you can't fill him inside and when he fills the whole inside of his heart or figure out what is driving his needs, the relationship will feel more balanced. I am unsure when women write in the other responses " he isn't a man" I dont agree with those comments, in my opinion it is about how the person feels inside and possibly has a lot to do with attachment issues as a child. Without proper attachment as a child; often a person will search for that love they so needed as a child. It is something inside of him so it might be about excepting your husband for the way he is and learning about his childhood experiences and connecting on that level. It sounds as though you are feeling the burden of what he didnt get from mom or dad when he was a young boy. talking about it will help so much really having a conversation about his childhood I promise you there will be something he didnt get or someway he didnt feel loved. I suspect he experienced a loss or was emotionally neglected as a little one.

Hi used2bsexy - It is difficult to start the forgiveness process. The pain is so fresh that you don't know where to begin. You are waiting for the day when you will want to finally do it but it never happens. From what I read "Forgiveness" is a conscious decision. It is not something that just happens easily. I think some people have an easier go with it, though. Forgiveness is not done to let the other person off (namely DH). You do it for yourself. "It sets the captive free". The abuser may not know the full extent of the pain he or she has caused you. Therefore, you cannot extract one bit of compensation from them by remaining in pain. Actually, letting go of it renders the abuser powerless. You stop thinking about how angry you are at him. He isn't important anymore. You have just given yourself permission to live again. It helps you also to see them in a different way. Yes, you can even come to feel compassion for the very person who has hurt you. The rest is up to you. As you begin, maintain the stance of forgiveness. You can further enhance the change by behaving toward the person who hurt you in a forgiving way. Perhaps, in time DH will start to respond in kind to the change. Even if he doesn't, you will be at Peace. There will be times that you might fall back and have to start again, but you will doing it more to please yourself. You are making an active choice not to remain in pain. Remember that just because you decide to forgive and move on, it does not mean the "forgiven" will thank you for it. You owned the pain to begin with even if DH caused it. You can't get inside his head to figure out whether he feels guilty or did it on purpose and you may never know for sure. "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain By way of observation of myself, I have grown to the conclusion that the more that I thought about the harm that was done to me the more harm I did to myself. I enforced the hurt but constantly re-enacting it in my mind. In a way, you are re-harming yourself when you do that. You let it go. Why, cause you can not pass that way again no matter how you might want to. It is water under the bridge. That is not to say that you don't remember it. That is how we learn also. It helps us in other areas of life as well. It is a good thing to grow wiser. We can, then, circumvent other potentially hurtful people and situations. And, even if we collide with someone else who hurts us, we can also learn a new way of adjusting to it. Hoping that others will have many other hopeful insights ito your question.

If everything that you reported is true and not biased, then it is time to move this person out and search for a replacement. Have a chat with your supervisor. Tell the super that you are through with orienting the new employee, and state examples of problems beyond your control that are principally attribable to the new employee. Give reason why you think she is unsuitable for the job. Also request that she be removed from your work arena, or at least, assigned to someone else. Be prepared to put your request in writing. Draft the request before you have your talk, but don't expose it to management until you have had your chat. After your chat, you may wish to edit your request, or bury it. Also, prepare a letter of complaints and/or recommendations to your management, and again, wait until you have had a chance to talk before releasing it. Write your drafts and then let lay overnight. Re-read the next day and edit. You may find statements that you'd like to modify. Often, the first draft is written in anger and bitterness, and that is OK. Its good to 'let go' in a manner that is not going to harm your career. In the cold light of the following day, you may feel differently about some of the statements, but if not, you've got a working draft.