Passive Aggressive Behavior?

16 years ago

I am very new to this forum but have not seen my issue posted here, or elsewhere. I need some objective advise. My DH & I have been married 16 years. I have a SS who I think the world of (he is married). I have 2 DS. All are adults now. One is married. My problem is not new as this is something I have been dealing with since shortly after we were married. However, more recently, when my DS(s) and DDIL visit, he is sullen, moody, irritable and won't participate, won't talk. My DS and DDIL are expecting - we just found out - and DH did not say one word about it to either of them. When they left to go home to a distant city, he did not tell them goodbye - he just stayed in the house. I am baffled by his behavior. I asked him if he was dissapointed it was not his own DS and DDIL that were expecting and he said no. He said he just had "other" things to do. I feel he is being passive aggressive - which is nothing new. But I don't know how to deal with it. I love having my SS and DSDIL around and we do things with them often, but I am just so puzzled by his attitude toward my DS(s)- but like I said, similar things have been going on for years. I am worried how he will react when the grandbaby arrives.

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Comments (3)

vistajpdf
16 years ago
I think he needs to open up a bit or you'll drive yourself nuts wondering what it is.

My DH is also pass/agg and it drives me crazy. I feel like we've discussed something and he'll not disagree, but turn around and do the exact opposite thing that I 'thought' we agreed to. This is usually re: his adult kids and buying them cars or whatever.

We recently began some counseling (married ten yrs.) It has helped. Maybe it's an option for you.

Have you said, "Honey, you wouldn't treat a stranger like that, so why do think it's OK to treat my son and DIL like that?"

Do you think he was just preoccupied? My DH can be a thousand miles away sometimes, not wanting to worry me about something, but worrying me more as he's obviously so distracted.

Or, is he just being rude? Is it new w/ respect to your DS? My DH used to treat my family a lot better - another point of disharmony for me - but I relate it to the fact that his now grown kids used to not give him the time of day, now they do - so what, he doesn't need to try w/ my family anymore?

I don't know, but try another heart to heart...

All the best and congratulations on the new little one!
Dana
southernsummer
16 years ago
Hi, there

Is there any history here that we don't know about?
Have there been bad feelings in the past?
Does DH feel hurt in some way by your kids?

When my SS or SD drop by to see their father, I don't volunteer my presence, and I stay in my room and read or watch tv until they indicate that they want to see me.
No bad feelings, it's just that realistically, they are not there to see me. They are there to see their father, and they let me know that from the beginning. They want to have a visit and a discussion with him and it doesn't concern me. I am not sullen, but in the past, I have felt hurt. Maybe what you think is sullen is actually feeling hurt or left out.

There have been times that my SK or my DH have asked for privacy. At first it was a shock, but I just understand that they want to talk privately.

Usually they stick their heads in to tell me goodbye before they leave--my SS has recently actually come in to visit with me before he leaves. My SD usually plans her visits so that I am at work.

No matter what, the reason that I appear anti-social is that I know I am not really wanted or included. I would like nothing more than to be part of the group, but I am a quick learner.

If this happened from the beginning, then I am guessing that
it's a matter of not feeling like part of the group.
It seems like a good idea for your kids to gently initiate some interaction with him. Counselling it not a bad idea, but I know how I feel under these circumstances, and maybe it's just not rocket science / brain surgery. : )
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sylviatexas1
16 years ago
I don't know that there's a thing anybody can do with, for, or about passive-aggressive personalities.

If he's really passive-aggressive, he likes to thwart other people, & trying to work things out just gives him something else to deny you or to take away from you.

If you've been married 16 years, & this is nothing new, chances this is the way it's gonna be, & since the new baby delights you, he's going to act sullen about it.

Have fun where & when & with whom you can, & don't ever show any vulnerability or act like you even notice his surliness.

Congratulations on the baby!

Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Comments (3)

vistajpdf

southernsummer

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