Very Needy Husband
bluemom
14 years ago
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asolo
14 years agosweeby
14 years agoRelated Discussions
Needy Husband troubling marriage
Comments (15)I understand all too well what you are describing. I am a mother of two autistic children, ages 5 and 3, the youngest is non-verbal and requires a lot of care. My husband and I have been together for close to eight years, and he is still in many ways, very needy and demanding for attention. I used to drop everything for him, even at the expense of my children, and I discovered he wanted even more. I had to make a choice...what was most important at this time in our lives? Early intervention for autism. I had to set boundaries with my husband. I approached him in a positive manner even though inside I wanted to smack him :D Men desire respect more than anything, so I had to be mindful of his needs, even if I felt he was being a big baby. I knew he was acting out his worry that we would be disconnected because of the intense work involved with special needs children. I had to admit that even if he came across as selfish, he still was expressing a desire to be close and intimate with me. So I approached him along these lines :(ahem) "I know you want to spend quality time with me, and that's great. Thank you for choosing me as your mate. As you know, early intervention for autism is key for our child. We have a huge job ahead of us, but we can do it, one day at a time. Here are my goals for our child for the next two months, and for the next year.( I typed it out for him to keep and consider). I want you to understand that this is my mission, this is my job. Just as I don't interfere with your job when you go to work, I expect the same thing in return. My job is 24/7, but I am working towards getting help. Until then, I am going to be very tired, physically and emotionally. Here is my calendar for the next month. ( I handed him a copy) If you would like a date night, please pick a day that is not filled up. Here is my daily schedule, with my chore list. (Handed him a copy of that) If you would like quality time, like an in-home date, please check my schedule to be sure it isn't during these times. I love you and want you to know that after the early intervention period is over, things will begin to improve as we adjust, and we will have more time for each other. For now, it is going to be difficult, and for that I am sorry. That does not mean you cannot be involved. We can find ways to be intimate as long as we work together as a team." Now my husband took a look at all I had to do. He could see it in writing how I did not have a lot of time or energy left over. He quickly understood that if he wanted to have quality time with me, he would have to get involved in my mission. He would have to set aside his needs sometimes for the good of his child, just as I had to on a daily basis. We had to be a team, or we would lose the intimacy, and no one wants that. This worked for me, but I had to be consistent, and I had to remind him frequently at first. He seemed resentful for a while, but when he saw the wonderful changes in our children, he got excited and inspired. This was a fantastic surprise. I assumed I would have to do it alone, but my hard work paid off. Now we go to marriage counseling for "preventative maintenance", and practice communication skills. Our marriage is just as important as our children. But sometimes, you have to go it alone while your husband pouts. You have to do the right thing, even if he doesn't understand. I hope this helps!!...See Morevery manipulative sd and a dumb husband
Comments (5)My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me. It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve. The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things. Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book) Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere) I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum. My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!...See MoreSo very sad for my husband
Comments (37)We are going through some of this with DS and DIL who married last year. DIL, seemingly overnight, decided she did not like us before they became engaged. There were some tribulations over the wedding plans and I felt she was rude and disrespectful on more than one occasion. My son would always come over alone, unless it was a holiday or special occasion. Then there is the issue of holidays.....they revolve around her parents and their schedule. I did expect this but not quite to such an extent. The year before last we were told that they could only stop by for about an hour or two xmas eve day in the afternoon for appetizers. Well, I had not planned on doing afternoon appetizers but I did anyway.....and then everyone was too full for dinner. I was not happy having spent the day preparing food. (They spent xmas eve and all of xmas day with her folks). So, this year I took a different tack. I say...this is what we are doing and when and we'd love it if you can join us. If it fits into their schedule, great. If it doesn't, that's ok too. I've just let it go. All last year, when we would see DIL I was cordial but kept my distance after having tried on several occasions to forge a better relationship with her and getting nowhere. Well, she is slowly becoming more pleasant with us. Don't know where her new attitude came from! She just had a surprise bday party for DS and I helped with alot of the stuff and she thanked me profusely...so I am hoping we are turning a corner....but not holding my breath. But, to answer OP, let it go. You may feel disappointed from time to time but it's not going to make for a happy family by making them feel guilty when they don't want to or can't participate. As others have suggested, ask them to get together another day or weekend....it's still several weeks away. Maybe they just want to start some of their own traditions. You need to be cordial and polite to D's IL.....but you don't need to be close....See MoreVery affectionate husband but is not intimate
Comments (8)This is a sad situation and is it even possible for it to be better? I knew someone long ago with a similar scenario but no kids involved and there was resolution. She used a pastor and her family to help her through but that was long ago and far away. Not saying you can't do this by yourself but there is a lot of garbage that comes floating to the top and for that you might need help/guidance. Counseling is really for you because as time goes by we all have the tendency to blame ourselves when that might not be correct. Not saying there is anyone to blame about this particular situation. People change, things happen, life gets in the way. Think of a counselor as a coach. You are walking in a mind field literally. You need a field guide. Making that first phone call for help is really hard but the road to health begins with you taking the first step. You came here and asked strangers so imagine how much easier it will be with someone who has experience with these situations and knows possible areas to explore to get the answers you both need. Don't get stuck on the why's and how's, move forward. You are only 30 with a child on the way. If for no other reason that child needs a balanced and healthy mother. Be the change you want. Hugs to you!...See Moretracystoke
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