very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

13 years ago

Hello-new here and have a question....

My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs-my step daughter, now 26, really hates me! I have tried everything and as of the past 6 months, I have given up and totally ignore her when she decides to come to our house (usually to ask for extra money-we pay her cell phone and rent every month...) The lat time she was at our house was the weekend of Thanksgiving-we had a couple from out of town that we are good friends with and my husbands grandson and his girlfriend. Stepdaughter came over and was rude as hell to me-I never said a bad thing-actually tried to be nice and speak to her kindly. I fixed dinner for everyone, cleaned up by my self, and after
I was done, went to the living room to speak to our guests.
About 10 minutes later, dear stepdaughter stormed out of the house and exclaimed to her daddy that I had not even spoke to her an I was rude! Daddy walked her out and got her under control and she left-but my problem now is that she calls her dad and snips to him that I am not a good housekeeper, that we have too many dogs (4), and that he does not spend enough time with her (she only calls for money-never returns a phone call from dad)-now my husband is starting to agree with her and it is really causin g some problems! He wants to get rid of 2 of the dogs (NOT going to happen-I'll leave with the dogs..), and he thinks that the house isn't clean enough so he has chosen to sleep in the guest house (I clean the house EVERY DAY!!)
I am sooo tired of the stepdaughter's behavior and my husbands going along with it that I just don't know what to do, short of just leaving!!!!! Any suggestions?

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Comments (5)

justmetoo
13 years ago
I think you have more problems than just a dramtic busybody SD. The SD has not been over for like six weeks yet husband is sleeping in guest house under the pretense that you don't keep house clean and have too many dogs.

Either there is some truth to the claim or it's a made up excuse on your husband's part to put distance between the two of you. Husbands don't just move to the guest house because their grown child who does not even live with them dislikes the way his wife keeps house. He also does not just rise out of bed one morning and declare 'hmmm, daughter is right, my wife is a poor housekeeper and I think I'll go stay in the guest house'....whatever is going on between your husband and your's sleeping arrangement is not something you can lay on the SD and her opinions of you. If her little hissy fit she tossed clear back on Thanksgiving has kept him out in the guest house this long, there is a whole lot more to this story than dogs and dust bunnies.

It sounds more like he's hiding out in there waiting for you to get fed up enough you take all your dogs and leave. Is it marriage counselor time or is it beyond that? Is getting rid of two dogs and cleaning 24/7 really going to solve all the problems, he'll move back in and your marriage be all 'happy' again? I doubt it.
mkroopy
13 years ago
Well any man who is stupid enough to pay for his bratty 26 year old daughter's cell phone and rent, while allowing the girl to treat his wife like crap is pretty much clueless, so any actions he takes are not surprising.

As JMT said, I suspect there are way more issues here that you are letting on, or even aware of. I think you need to dig into things with him, either thru counseling or just improved communications.
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I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. 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NP. Didn't realize I transposed. My fault. I'm not saying OP is like my SM. But I want OP to have the perspective of a SKID rather than another stepmother. Some adult SKIDS don't know when to get out of their parents business and are really brutal to their SM/SF. It's my opinion that the OP and DH are perfectly within their rights to marry and have kids - but the DH's kids have the right to not like the SM. BUT... the DH needs to set boundaries for his wife so that she is treated with respect as being dad's choice of partner. That's what my dad DIDN'T do. He made it clear he was wishy-washy, I never expected them to marry as he *just wasn't that in to her*, and she was really not nice... So, being in my early 20's I stood up for, and protected, my dad. Which was not my place. But kids will do that before they realize better :) And my dad did play both sides but it took me years to figure that out. HA! Two years ago he was visiting with out her and he said all this stuff about her... blah blah blah... and I kept quiet. Finally he stopped. And indicated he wanted a response from me. And I said... do you want my opinion? Or are you just venting? Because I could see the difference. And it IS inappropriate for him to talk to me about her. But welcome to my relationship with my father, lol. Not much OP can do though. Sounds like Skids are pretty set in their opinion of her. So my advice is not to let your child be in any situation where people/family would be venomous but do make every effort to have him know his siblings. If SD's won't let you stay in their home, you and DH should stay somewhere else. I really dislike my SM (but she has been incredibly mean and vindictive and selfish) and I still allow her to stay in my home, make her feel welcome and do my best to treat her as a guest when she visits. So either you've been REALLY HORRIBLE or your SKIDS aren't grown up enough to bite their tongues and take one for Dad's team. So. #1 priority is keeping your son safe and in a good environment. #2 priority is your relationship with your DH and #3 priority is doing your best :) to encourage a good relationship between DH and DS and the rest of the family. Not much you can do to change their minds but to live your life and try not to hold a grudge. I hope they come around. It would be a shame for your son to miss out on knowing his siblings and nieces and nephews.
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Thanks all for the insight. NOt really sure what it is. Can't figure it out yet.. I will say he gets alot of attention here at home from his dad, but not in an "entertaining" kind of way. My husband is a handy man and also has to take care of things w/the hosue and his business alot on weekends. so a lot of times his son tags along, helps out, watches or if not he's here just watching tv or hanging outside, pounding on wood etc.. Yes this weekend was an exception where we played games, had a bbq, and yes his friend was here. NOT saying that doesn't happen but it's not like we are social every single weekend at our house and the day he wanted to stay we already told him before he went to his moms (as it was her day) that we had things to do, DAD was going to be fixing stuff and in the attic and he was like that is fine I will stay w/ dad and do stuff w/ him. The child always is w/ his dad more than mY SD, my SD is soo easy going and ok w/ NOT having all the attention that she never really complains that her brother gets more of dad time. She sometimes will get needy and want her dad at night etc.. Now, moms house is more of a "royal" mess.. the room he had to clean was not a room that was a mess that day and then to clean as at our house, it's you make a mess you clean it up that day.. Not 3 weeks later when there is more of a mess.. they don't have tons of chores at 6 and 8, but they are to be respectful, take baths, eat dinner, then they get a treat, if they act out there are no rewards, but consequences such as time outs etc.. both kids have actually been listening and behaving exceptionally well except my SS has a lot of control issues and feels he is nOT in control alot at OUR house.. He said that to us one day that he gets more his way at his moms.. that is why I feel it maybe more a form of manipulation or just that he was having a good time at our house wanted to be w/ us vs. her, and not saying he doesn't like it there, but [perhaps that is just how he was feeling that day? but to have such a meltdown over it, I am baffled, yes he is usually an emotional child when things don't go his way, he is to take a minute calm down and come and talk. so yes he had a meltdown not sure why, maybe cuz he didn't get his way wanted to be w/ his dad and couldn't so made a scene.. maybe he didn't have a enough time w/ his dad and being he enjoys being w/ his father maybe he did just want to be hre.. again just baffled at the behavior.. it would seem to me besides the fact he had to clean his room, that he'd want to be w/ her because he says he gets more his way there.. but again his dad isn't there, who he gets along w/ outside in the garage etc, but again sometimes he is just here in the house doing his own thing.. perhaps he just wanted to be here.. i do know the mom lets them choose more meals, etc , pizza, fast food etc. in that way also they have more "controL'> here is more often than not that we sit down and eat together and have a full healthy meal. and usually it's not an issue but an enjoyment.. it took a while to get that way at first the kids would fight it as they didn't have consistency from mom's to dad but now it's been 2 years they understand this is just the way it is here, we do go out for fun stuff meals, but not every night, especially school/work nights..
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wdstkdaisy
13 years ago
Hi, new around here .. came by late last night trying to find some perspective w/problems w/my relationship w/husband that get acted out (in part) via battling over my step-daughter. I've found it helpful around here :)

I noticed that you said that you ignore your SD when she comes to visit. Sounds like you made an exception on Thanksgiving.

Sounds like she's complaining Dad doesn't spend enough time w/her (I don't know any 26 year olds who spend loads of one and one time w/their Dad, but okay) And that she does nothing towards the end of spending time w/him except when she want$ something.

The stuff between her and her Dad is 26 years old. And it's between them.

The stuff between you and your husband is between you - and truly has nothing to do w/her (although, believe me, I know how easy it can be to lose respect for a man who appears to be choosing his kids over you .. and she is trying to make it all about her - so you have to get help w/this ..)

If any of you continue to lend yourselves to making a triangle out of your twosome w/your husband, you will - all of you - lose. Working this out can become easily complicated (especially w/the level of acting out going on!) so, I'll add my voice to the others: Find a very good couple's counselor and work this out.
LJFSYD
13 years ago
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me.

It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve.

The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things.

Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book)

Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere)

I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum.

My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!
LJFSYD
13 years ago
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me.

It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve.

The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things.

Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book)

Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere)

I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum.

My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!

very manipulative sd and a dumb husband

Comments (5)

justmetoo

mkroopy

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