What great, thoughtful responses to this very sensitive topic! I can relate to the loss of libido--frankly, we're about a decade younger than the OP and her husband but at 56 YO, I too have come through menopause with a decided lack of interest in sexual activity. There isn't anything physically 'wrong' with me, and my husband is as he always has been a very considerate and giving partner. But truthfully, I don't really care any more about sex and the thought of never having it again wouldn't bother me one bit. However. My husband is still interested, to say the least :). In fact he is more ardent than ever now that birth control isn't an issue, and now that our lives are a bit less stressed and child centered. Then too I do believe that most men experience sexual desire as much more of a physical *need* for release than most women do. In our marriage, both of us are very strong, independent people and as I've often said, the ties that bind us are loose--and unbreakable. We have our own jobs, hobbies and friends in addition to the family life we have built together. Our sexual partnership is for only us. Nobody else can be part of it, nobody else can or will know that part of our marriage. So at this season of my life, our sex life is what helps cement our bond, while it keeps our connection strong. And now to I'm sure no one's surprise I must address the problem the OP wanted to discuss; having a partner tell you that unless you do X, Y or Z sexually you won't be getting something you want badly. This quote says so much: "But, I'm sorry your husband has resorted to extortion to get what he wants. If you simply capitulate that clearly marks you as subordinate." Once again, living in a relationship in which a woman does not have her own resources means the risk of becoming subordinate is huge. I cannot imagine being dependent on anyone to the level of him even being able to think what the husband expressed. Regardless of where the thought is coming from, I agree it is extortion and it is despicable. How very sad too, living in a marriage in which a husband has the power and financial authority to do this. I would never, never, never live like that. I"m sure there are many levels of complexity that can't be shared in an online forum. The the OP, I truly hope you can find your way to a compromise that leaves each of you feeling respected and loved, even if it isn't in the house you want or doing the sex acts he does. Ann

Hello Restless, I can't give you any direct advice, because I am so new at this whole relationship thing (my husband is my very first relationship in ALL ways). He's older than me by almost 14 years, so I'm a little bit in the "older spouse" category. But anyway, someone on this board recommended to me the Five Languages of Love and it really was SO helpful. It was actually the closest my husband would get to any kind of counseling or help with our issues. It led to both of us gradually changing some things in the relationship for the better. If you look at my first thread "is this a healthy/unhealthy marriage (or something like that), the direct link is in there somewhere. Ir might even be my second thread after that one, but it contains a lot of helpful links, and the Five Love Languages was the best for us. You probably could even google it as well to find it. I hope it helps! P.S. my little attempt at some advice: do you initiate the type of affection with your husband that you desire? Maybe that could clue you in as to if he is receptive to putting more affection into your marriage? My husband responds to gestures of affection from me more than anything else. His love language is touch, though ... This post was edited by wifey1281 on Wed, Jan 16, 13 at 11:40

There are also many medications (anti-depressants, high blood pressure meds, etc) and other medical conditions besides depression that can reduce sex drive, especially as one gets older. To each their own. If this arrangement works for the OP and her H, then good for them. I think many people buy into the "fairy tale" of marriage, the idea that you will meet your "soul mate" in young adulthood/barely older than a child, who will fulfill all your needs for the rest of your life in perfect monogamy. It's ridiculous. Life is a lot of things, a fairly tale it is not.

I am not sure that I agree Rosewood, even though what you suggest is the direction most people are taking. I stand by my entries on this thread that I made on Wed. March 16, 05 and Thursday, March 17, 05. Scroll up. Please read if you passed over it, because I still feel the same today, ten months later. After hanging out in the step parent forum for awhile, my views on this are stronger than ever. Letter after letter talks about re-marriage after the divorce, and when many of these men re-marry, several of these new young wives on the forum resent and hate the children from the previous marriage...especially after they have new babies with the husband...and they want to have their own new little family, without the previous children, in fact, they want those children to just disappear! To some extent, I am now beginning to think that when we become parents, it is no longer about following our whims, or our feelings (which are fickle at best, and deceive us) but about what is in the best interest of the children we have brought into this world, and loving these innocent, beautiful children enough to fulfill our responsibility to them, by giving them the best possible childhood we can, whether we feel like it or not. IMO, when he made vows to love and honor his wife, and brought these two babies into the world who have their whole childhood ahead of them yet, he lost the right to chase after the new honey at the office. IMO, he has lost the right to whine and say he does not know if he is happy right now, and run around with the girl friend while he decides. It is such an incredible injustice to his wife and two babies, who trusted him to lead this family like a man, and put aside his childish whims. He is robbing his wife, by threatening her future, and the future of her children. It will affect them on every level, for years to come. He has robbed his wife of the ability to enjoy her new baby, and her two year old, because she must now worry where he is, who he is with, why hasn't he called, and the security of knowing their future is safe. Then, I imagine he will marry one of these honey's - and then, the step parent issues begin for these children. His new honey will hate money leaving her household, to his ex-wife, and his kids, and will resent her and the kids for this. It cheats his wife and children out of the future they SHOULD have had. A future with two parents who love them and strive to give them the best childhood they can. A family of their own, with two people who are willing to step up to the plate and do the right thing...whether they feel like it or not...with a smile for these beloved children. Giving them the gift of a family who loves them and are on their side rooting for them every step of the way. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances. But we are called to do our very best, for these children, and not give up! There are days in parenting and life that we all will look at our spouse and wonder "what in the world was I thinking, when I chose him/her". Or we will look at them and may not feel anything at all. But on other days, we are so thankful that this person is by our side, and feel so blessed to have them share our life. Our feelings evolve over time, and can become so rich if we treat each other with excellence!