I have been trying to help my husband. He hasn't shown any grief since the day he had to see his father's body at the funeral home. At the funeral he was the only dry-eyed person. I have been doing everything around the house, and anything I can think of to make things easier on him. But I am about ready to snap. NOt at him but at the insensitivity of other people. It is crazy. First, the my FIL's sister (in her 50's) posted an invite to his funeral on facebook. It was supposed to be a private family graveside service because my husband's mother is in a very fragile state right now. It was such a shock and she is not doing well. So two days before the funeral it is found out that his family now has to get together enough food to feed about 50 ppl because my FIL's sister invited all these people to the service and get together afterward. They did NOT need the extra stress of having to do this!! And a simple thing- my parents decided to send flowers my MIL's house even though they really don't know her. My mother asked ME to send them (because I could pick out something she'd like I guess) so I called a local florist and asked that the flowers be delivered to the house on the day of the funeral. The florist calls me back the day of the funeral to say they couldn't get the flowers I wanted in that day so they would be delivered the next day. I didn't want to argue so I said ok. There are more important things. But then I get another call that evening saying the flowers wouldnt' be delivered until TWO days after the funeral. I spoke with the owner who was VERY rude. When I said the flowers were for a funeral he corrected me and said "No they are not for a funeral, they are being delivered to a home address." Yes, dumbass but they have a sympathy card with them. He then asked what the address was even though I'd already given it to the person who took the order previously. He went on to say it wasn't his fault (I wasn't even upset at this point) that his supplier was late and all he could do was have me select another arrangement and he "Might" be able to deliver it by the next day. I found another florist and called him back and asked him to cancel the order. He said he'd already made arrangements to get the flowers I needed (still two days late) and I told him I just wanted to cancel the order please and he said whatever and hung up on me!! Stupid, but I just broke down crying. And at the service, the strangest thing was that my MIL did not want to watch her husband's urn be buried in the dirt (her kids and grandkids wanted to watch) and I definately don't blame her. She is still thinking of him as a person who is alive or has characteristics of being alive and to see that would just kill me. She started bawling and told everyone she had to get out of there and NOT one of her kids escorted her away. MY FIL's sister who posted the thing on facebook took her away. It also seems that my MIL does not want to hear any good things about her husband from anyone. SHe is very angry toward him (probably for leaving her alone) and if anything nice is said she gets mad. So I say nothing. I just don't know what to do.

What great, thoughtful responses to this very sensitive topic! I can relate to the loss of libido--frankly, we're about a decade younger than the OP and her husband but at 56 YO, I too have come through menopause with a decided lack of interest in sexual activity. There isn't anything physically 'wrong' with me, and my husband is as he always has been a very considerate and giving partner. But truthfully, I don't really care any more about sex and the thought of never having it again wouldn't bother me one bit. However. My husband is still interested, to say the least :). In fact he is more ardent than ever now that birth control isn't an issue, and now that our lives are a bit less stressed and child centered. Then too I do believe that most men experience sexual desire as much more of a physical *need* for release than most women do. In our marriage, both of us are very strong, independent people and as I've often said, the ties that bind us are loose--and unbreakable. We have our own jobs, hobbies and friends in addition to the family life we have built together. Our sexual partnership is for only us. Nobody else can be part of it, nobody else can or will know that part of our marriage. So at this season of my life, our sex life is what helps cement our bond, while it keeps our connection strong. And now to I'm sure no one's surprise I must address the problem the OP wanted to discuss; having a partner tell you that unless you do X, Y or Z sexually you won't be getting something you want badly. This quote says so much: "But, I'm sorry your husband has resorted to extortion to get what he wants. If you simply capitulate that clearly marks you as subordinate." Once again, living in a relationship in which a woman does not have her own resources means the risk of becoming subordinate is huge. I cannot imagine being dependent on anyone to the level of him even being able to think what the husband expressed. Regardless of where the thought is coming from, I agree it is extortion and it is despicable. How very sad too, living in a marriage in which a husband has the power and financial authority to do this. I would never, never, never live like that. I"m sure there are many levels of complexity that can't be shared in an online forum. The the OP, I truly hope you can find your way to a compromise that leaves each of you feeling respected and loved, even if it isn't in the house you want or doing the sex acts he does. Ann

Hello Restless, I can't give you any direct advice, because I am so new at this whole relationship thing (my husband is my very first relationship in ALL ways). He's older than me by almost 14 years, so I'm a little bit in the "older spouse" category. But anyway, someone on this board recommended to me the Five Languages of Love and it really was SO helpful. It was actually the closest my husband would get to any kind of counseling or help with our issues. It led to both of us gradually changing some things in the relationship for the better. If you look at my first thread "is this a healthy/unhealthy marriage (or something like that), the direct link is in there somewhere. Ir might even be my second thread after that one, but it contains a lot of helpful links, and the Five Love Languages was the best for us. You probably could even google it as well to find it. I hope it helps! P.S. my little attempt at some advice: do you initiate the type of affection with your husband that you desire? Maybe that could clue you in as to if he is receptive to putting more affection into your marriage? My husband responds to gestures of affection from me more than anything else. His love language is touch, though ... This post was edited by wifey1281 on Wed, Jan 16, 13 at 11:40

There are also many medications (anti-depressants, high blood pressure meds, etc) and other medical conditions besides depression that can reduce sex drive, especially as one gets older. To each their own. If this arrangement works for the OP and her H, then good for them. I think many people buy into the "fairy tale" of marriage, the idea that you will meet your "soul mate" in young adulthood/barely older than a child, who will fulfill all your needs for the rest of your life in perfect monogamy. It's ridiculous. Life is a lot of things, a fairly tale it is not.