My husband and I have been married less than 6 months. His father just died yesterday. It was very sudden. They think he had a heart attack. He was rushed to the hospital and he hung on for a very short time but died there. By the time my husband got there his dad was gone. He tried to pretend he was ok (I offered to come home from work and go with him but he refused) but then he called me about an hour later crying and begging me to come home. My step son is 9 years old and lives with us and he was at a loss of how to tell him about his grandpa. Last night they went to his mom's house to talk. He invited me along and I told him I would if he needed me but I'd be more comfortable staying home. So I stayed home. I feel terrible for that.

I was closer to his dad than I was to anyone else in his family. He always treated me like an adopted daughter and would give me hugs. I'm not close at all to anyone else in his family. My husband wasn't very close to his dad (he comes from a large family (two sisters and three brothers) and he really isn't close to any of them. THey all go their separate ways. I felt I would be intruding if I were there at such a difficult time. Obviously I will go to the funeral and everything but I have no idea what to say to anyone. I am part of the family (officially) but I shouldn't be around when the grief is so raw and intimate.

I dont' know if I am being selfish or if it is truly best for the family. I don't know how to act around my husband. I came home and gave him a hug and asked if he was ok and I'm trying to take care of everything around the house (so he doesnt' have to worry about anything) I don't know what to say to him or to his family. "I'm sorry" just seems so formal and ridiculous. I knew his dad fairly well- he was just at our house for a cook out less than a week ago. It was just so sudden and unexpected! He wasnt' that old, had just retired a few years ago. I also have no idea what to say to my stepson. He is only 9 and has never had any relative pass away. He was the favorite grandkid and was spoiled by "pa" and I know he is going to take it hard (If he can grasp the situation).

I've lost loved ones- and it is very difficult and painful but I have no idea what it is like to lose a parent. My grandparents passed away within one year of each other and that was very hard because I was especially close to my grandmother and still miss her to this day but I got to say good bye. With both my grandparents I was in my late twenties when they passed away and it was expected. Both had serious medical issues and we knew it was coming. The only thing I can compare this to is when I was 17 my boyfriend was killed in a car accident. That was sudden and tragic and it took a very long time to get over it. I would say I was not over it until 12 years later when my grandmother passed away. The grief of losing her made the past grief feel insignificant (though it wasn't) and to this day I still think about and miss both of them.

I also had another grandfather who committed suicide and that was very unexpected and horrible. But there was also the shame and guilt (of not knowing he was unhappy) that came along with that. So it is not the same thing as a parent having a heart attack.

I guess I am looking for some guidance. I know when my grandma died, I really didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to grieve in my own way and eventually I liked opening up and sharing happy stories about her. My grandmohter's death was so difficult because she had alzheimers and didn't really know any of us for the last five years or so and when she died it was like we were grieving twice. We were finally allowed to grieve for the wonderful woman she was before she started losing her memory as we couldn't when she was alive because we still LOVED her and had to learn to love the poor confused angry tired soul that she became. And we were grieving for losing her altogether. Now I am crying because I MISS her. And it has been four years and I still have tears reserved for her so I can't even begin to imagine how devastated my husband must be and I feel so ugly and selfish because I haven't cried over his dad. It hasnt' hit me yet. I got teary eyed when he was crying because I've only seen him cry one other time and I really felt his pain and want to make it better.

I know everyone is different but I have NO idea how to treat my husband or his son. I will be supportive and do whatever he asks or needs of me. But I feel so awkward because honestly I don't know what he is going through and I don't know how to help him. With my grandparents I didn't want people to tell me they were sorry (I know it is just being nice and the proper thing to do) but I just wanted to be left alone. With my ex boyfriend when I was 17 I wanted to be comforted and I wanted to talk about him with everyone who knew him because I didn't want him to be forgotten.

I have no idea what my husband needs. I know he won't tell me. WHen his dad had an operation several years ago and it was touch and go he tried to act like he didn't care if his dad made it through. But now I know that was just an act. TO see him yesterday and how upset he was that he didn't get to say goodbye just breaks my heart.

Something weird too is that I feel like moving out and moving in with my parents (who live a few hours away) and just living with them permanently because you never know how much time you have left and I don't see them nearly as much as a I should.

What do I say to him and how do I help my step son who lost his grandpa at such a young age?